Chapter 55
Nikita
It has been a few days since I ended things with Calvin. Not that there was a relationship to end in the first place, but whatever was happening between us, I put a stop to it.
Taking risks is something I don’t mind doing, but not when my heart is on the line. I’m already in too deep with him, and I needed an out before I allowed myself to fall for him completely, only to end up with a broken heart. That’s inevitable, right?
The voice in my head that validates that thought has since gone radio silent, leaving me with the constant question of whether I made the right choice or not. Calvin and I? Chalk and cheese. The bubble we found ourselves in overseas wasn’t enough to change the fundamental truth that he and I will never work.
Then why am I hurting so much?
If this is the right decision, why do I feel so miserable? I thought I had experienced heartbreak before, but this is new. I am trying to protect my heart at all costs, but I fear I may have been the one to break it.
You’ve made your bed, now lie in it. Harsh, but true.
It doesn’t help that I miss him as much as I do. There is a war waging between my head and my heart. A part of me wants to pick up the phone and confess the truth to him. No, we weren’t caught up in the moment. Whatever we experienced together was real. Too real.
Pretending Calvin isn’t waiting to infiltrate my every thought is a difficult task that I’m faced with as I make my way downstairs. The sound of the television can be heard in the distance and I am wrapped up in the smell of freshly brewed coffee, permeating my senses. I need to get myself a cup.
Walking into the kitchen, I shout for my father. “Pai? Can I make you some coffee?”
“I’ve already got, thanks, querida,” he answers, his voice coming from outside. I move towards the garden and find my father on the patio couch with his best-friend alongside him.
Bernardo.
A four-pawed, ball of energy in the form of a Jack Russel. Bernardo the dog has been part of the family for the last three years after Jay and I decided our dad could use a companion.
Placing my cup on the table outside, I call for Bernardo who rushes over to me. “Hello, my boy,” I coo, cupping his face with both my hands as I scratch behind his ears. “Oh, look at this face. This has to be the cutest face ever.”
“You should see the new game he’s learned.” Dad walks down the stairs onto the grass, grabbing a tennis ball. “He now brings this back when I throw it.”
“So… fetch?”
“Sim, he’s the fetch master.” Walking back over to where Bernardo sits at my feet, he shows him the ball, “Bernardo, olha aqui.” His Portuguese pronunciation of his dog’s name always makes me smile. He decided on such a human name for a dog, but surprisingly enough, it suited him.
Bernardo jumps up, his high-pitched bark of excitement has me flinching. He’s cute, but he’s loud. He rests his paws on my dad’s legs as he eyes the ball. “Espera, Bernardo. Senta.” As well-trained as he is, Bernardo is also far too excited by the sight of the ball to listen. I can’t help but smile. At least I can always count on this dog to bring some warmth back into my ice-filled chest.
“Um, dois, três!” My father tosses the ball across the garden, Bernardo taking off after it. Instead of running across the open grass, he opts to trample all over the flower beds lined up along the wooden fence.
“There goes your flowers,” I say as I return to where my cup of coffee is waiting.
Dad straightens up, his hands resting on his hips, “He’s lucky he’s cute. It makes it impossible to be mad at him.”
Bernardo ends up getting distracted by the other balls that are scattered across the grass and doesn’t bother bringing the one my dad threw back to him. Instead, he starts playing with another ball he finds..
“He really is a master of that fetch game,” I tease before sipping on my coffee, allowing the caffeine into my system. Hopefully that will help me feel better. Unfortunately, it isn’t an emotional fix, no matter how much I wish it was.
“Trust me, he will bring it back to you. It may not be right away, but it will happen. He’s just distracted right now.”
Walking over to the porch swing, I drop onto it with my cup in hand. My father moves to sit on the couch set up against the wall, the bay windows looking into the lounge just above it.
“What have you got planned for today?” Dad asks.
I take a big sip, soaking in the bitter taste on my tongue. “Job and apartment hunting. I’m done wallowing, so it’s time to get my shit together.”
“Good. You’re going to find both in no time, querida. I am sure there are plenty of jobs available with these airlines.”
“Yeah, about that.” I glance at him over the brim of my cup, “I’m not sure I want to do that anymore.”
“No?”
I shake my head. “I think I want to find something new. Something fresh and exciting.” I try to fake enthusiasm, but I don’t even believe it yet because I still don’t know what that is. When it comes to jumping head-first into things, I can be counted on for that. I embrace spontaneity and some will dub me quite reckless with my decision-making, but this is the first time in years that I feel I need to make a change.
“Have you thought about what it is that you want to do?” He asks, reaching for his own cup of coffee.
“Nope, but by the end of the day, I will have an idea.” I speak with conviction to not only convince my father, but to convince myself of it too.
He chuckles, “Is this a self-imposed timeline?”
“Yes and no. You know me, I can’t sit around and do nothing for too long, so the sooner I jump on this, the sooner I can find what is next for me.”
“You do what you need to do, but you are also welcome to stay here as long as you need. It’s good to have you home.”
“Thanks, pai.”
For a few minutes, we sit in comfortable silence and I use that time to focus on my breathing, making sure to take big breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth as an attempt to alleviate the anxiety inside of me.
“I think we should go to Burger Go for lunch,” Dad suggests, “What do you think about that?”
This excites me, “Hell yes! I can’t remember the last time I had their burgers.”
Burger Go is a local diner that Jay and I were obsessed with growing up. Whenever our parents asked us where we wanted to go, we would say there. It eventually became a monthly family outing.
“Great!” Dad jumps to his feet, “Now, I’ve got to get to work, so you’ll keep Bernardo company and I’ll see you there at around one.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Walking over to where I’m sitting, my dad gives me a hug, making sure to add a big squeeze and a kiss in my hair, “I’m so glad you’re here, Kita.”
“Me too, pai.”
I sit outside for a while after my father leaves, enjoying the nostalgic feeling of being back home. There are so many memories in this house, and I have to agree with my dad, there is something about being here that makes me feel closer to my mom.
Taking a deep breath in, I will the grief to stay put as I return my attention to my phone. Unlocking it, the screen remains on Calvin’s name in my inbox, his previous unanswered texts staring up at me. I haven’t heard from him since we spoke on the phone, and I hate it.
I miss him. So damn much.
How have I gone from loathing his very existence to my chest aching from his absence?
This is for the best.
Then why the hell did it hurt so much?
* * *
I arrive at Burger Go before my dad does. Pushing the door open, the bell above my head jingles, the sound transporting me back to when I was a teen. It’s amazing how something as simple as a sound has the ability to transport you to a time that has been forgotten.
Everything about this place is as I remembered it. There is still the same retro feel to it with the walls adorned with orange and white striped wallpaper. Large windows that allow in plenty of natural light, brightening the already bright place up further. The aroma of sizzling beef floats in the air, making my stomach react. I skipped breakfast and am more than ready to dig into these burgers. Glancing around, I look for an empty table. One of the teen waiters comes over to me, menus in hand, “You need a table?”
I nod. “Table for two, please.”
“Follow me.” Turning, he gestures for me to follow and I do, coming to a stop at one of the tables right by the window looking out into the parking lot. I slide onto the chair facing the entrance and thank the waiter before he leaves me with the menus. Picking one up, I start scanning through it, finding everything is still as it was. That works in my favor. No one makes better salted caramel and chocolate milkshakes than this place.
Dad’s voice pulls me from my scanning, “Sorry, querida, I had to help load up an order but the truck was late.
“Don’t worry, I just got here.”
Dad removes his jacket and settles on the chair across from me. Grabbing the menu, he copies what I did, even though he also already knews exactly what he’s going to order.
He peers at me over the menu, “Do you know what you want yet?”
“The BBQ bacon and cheese burger is calling my name. And a salted cara-”
“-mel and chocolate,” Dad finishes my answer, making me laugh, “That’s what I thought.”
“I haven’t had that in years, I’ve done my time.”
Our waiter returns shortly after and we place our orders. Dad decides on the exact same order he’s gotten for as long as I can remember - Classic cheese burger, fries and a root beer. “Please bring a glass with only-”
“-two blocks of ice,” I finish my dad’s order, his hearty laugh following as he turns back to the waiter.
“What my daughter said.”
While we wait for our food, we jump into a catch up. He takes me through the project he was helping his neighbor, José, with. Dad is a carpenter by trade but for decades he dedicated himself to the hardware store he owned. It’s been a few years since he sold that and took early retirement, but like me, he can’t sit still and do nothing for too long. Thanks to José, he’s been able to be part of small projects here and there. José’s son owns a furniture store that specializes in all wooden products that are made from scratch.
“Are you enjoying working with José?” I ask.
“I am. Keeps me nice and busy.”
“That’s good.” I respond as our waiter places our drinks on the table. Reaching for my milkshake, wasting no time getting a straw in there and welcoming the salted caramel on my tongue. I groan at how good it is, “Even better than I remember.”
Dad chuckles. “The first time I took your mom out on a date, we had milkshakes,” he shares. It’s a story I’ve heard many times over the years, but I can’t bring myself to remind him. Not with the way his face lights up as he speaks about her. “There was a roadhouse close to where she used to work, and after weeks of asking her out, she finally gave me a chance.” He shakes his head and smiles at the memory. “And of course, I went and spilled my milkshake all over myself during that date. Your pai is smooth now, but that wasn’t always the case.”
I laugh. “And yet, you still won over m?e.”
His lips form a smile, “Yes, I was very lucky.” His eyes shift with emotion, revealing that no matter how much time has passed, his grief still remains. Reaching across the table, I give his hand a squeeze as we both take in a silent moment to remember her. My dad then gives my hand a pat before returning to his drink, “Any news on your flooded apartment?”
Sipping on my milkshake, I reply in between. “Mario’s handling it. It’s looking likely that I will get at least some kind of payout thanks to the damage to all of my things.”
“I should hope so. I’ll bet it’s been years since the entire building has been assessed.” He shakes his head, “Will you be staying with your brother if you go back?”
“That’s the plan.” Even though I hate being in someone’s space - and having them in mine - it is my only option right now. If I am heading back to San Francisco, I’d stay with Jay. If I choose to stay here, I’ve already got somewhere to stay. I have temporary options while I try to re-align the pieces of my life.
“Will you be seeing Calvin again?” Dad asks out of the blue.
I snort from surprise as I sip on my milkshake, instantly regretting that action now that the liquid has gone up my nose. Coughing, I shake my head, “Why would you ask me that?”
“Your brother told me you went to a wedding together.” He peers at me, looking innocent. My eyes narrow as I try to suss him out, wanting to see if he really doesn’t know anything or if he is playing dumb.
“We did,” I say, “Well, almost. I was meant to be Calvin’s date, but the wedding got called off so-”
“What happened?”
“The groom was having an affair with the bride’s best-friend.”
“Meu deus.”
“Indeed.” I internalize a face palm at how easily I picked up on using that word because of a prolonged period of time spent with Calvin.
Shaking him from my mind, I think of Britney. I didn’t expect to run into her but after leaving Calvin like he wanted, I bumped into her in the hallway. My heightened emotions may have played a role in telling Britney the truth but dammit, she deserved to know.
“Nikita?” Britney asked when she saw me, “Where’s everyone?”
“Depends on who ‘everyone’ is.”
“I’ve been trying to call Ken.” She gestured to the phone in her hand,”But no luck.”
“You might want to try Violet then. He’s probably with her.” I blurted out, tired of second-guessing myself.
Britney’s eyes widened, confusion becoming apparent in them. “V-violet? Why would they be togeth…” Her sentence trailed off as she put the pieces together. It wasn’t that difficult and a part of me bet she already had her suspicions. She straightened up, regaining her composure. “Is it true?”
“That Violet and Kenneth have been fucking behind yours and Calvin’s back? Yep.” The words tasted bitter on my tongue on behalf of both Britney and Calvin who had been caught in the middle of this.
“Wow.” Shaking her head, she started laughing, “I knew it.”
“You what?”
“I fucking knew it!” Her laughter boomed through the empty hallway, but there was no humor in it. She tapped the top of her stomach. “My little gut feeling thought they were, but no, I ignored her…”
I let her rant, and by the time I said my goodbyes, she was calmer. And relieved. This was her way of getting out of the marriage she didn’t actually want.
Violet and Kenneth threw a spanner in the works of their own lives, and in turn, Britney and Calvin’s too. I hadn’t expected to stumble into Violet telling Calvin. The look of betrayal on Calvin’s face only made me want to comfort him. He deserved so much better than her. I didn’t help the situation when Calvin learned that I knew and didn’t say anything, but he didn’t exactly give me a choice.
No - do not think of you and Calvin fucking, for crying out loud.
Focusing on my milkshake as I sip through my straw, I can feel Dad’s eyes on me, “I didn’t know you and Calvin were seeing each other.”
Shaking my head, I swallow, “No, we’re not. He needed a date and I wanted a free holiday. That’s it.” My delivery is abrupt and if I was on the receiving end of that, I wouldn’t believe a word being said. I am usually better at this shit, but thanks to Mr Rhodes, I have been unnerved. It terrifies and excites me in equal measure.
“Got it. Desculpa.” Dad lifts his hands. “Did you have fun though? Algarve is beautiful.”
“Sorry to interrupt!” Our waiter says, doing just that but for a great reason - the food is ready. Placing a plate in front of each of us, he steps back. “Can I get you guys anything else? Something else to drink? Sauces?”
“We’re all good, thanks Tony,” Dad replies.
All I can focus on is the aroma from my burger making my mouth water. I grab the salt and put it over my fries, eyeing my dad. “Tony? Don’t tell me you’re still a regular here.”
“Of course I am.” Tipping the ketchup over, Dad drapes some over his fries, “You think I’ll ever get sick of these bad boys?” His burger is now in his hand as he shakes his head. “No way.”
“I’m sure your cholesterol would disagree.”
“You sound just like your mother,” he says with a chuckle as I pop a fry into my mouth. My parents may have had their faults while I was growing up, but if there’s one thing I was surrounded by, it was love.
Real love.
“Can I ask you a question? About m?e?”
“Of course.”
Popping another fry into my mouth I ask, “How did you know that you were in love?” My attention is on my plate as I ask. Asking the question is difficult enough because I am at risk of my vulnerability being exposed.
“Hm.” Looking up, dad chews a piece of his burger as he looks in thought for a moment. “It’s difficult to explain-”
“So, I’ve heard.”
“But I think the best way would be that there was something in your mother that I recognized. It was as if I had been searching for something, but I didn’t know what it was. Then I met your mother and I knew, in that moment, that this was it. I had been searching for her all along.”
My heart warms at his answer, “Was it love at first sight?”
“Sim. For me at least.” He grabs the ketchup again and adds some to his burger. “Your mother took some convincing.”
“Thank God for your persistence.” I dig into my burger, my taste buds bursting with delight from my favorite BBQ sauce ever.
“I was patient.” He shakes his head, a smile on his face, “The ‘love at first sight’ was more-” He pauses, asking himself in Portuguese how to say his next phrase. Sometimes it takes him an extra moment to remember the translation to what he wants to say. English is his second language. “It was more that I knew I was going to love her. That’s what that moment was when we met. Timing, querida, it’s everything.”
I nod, replaying what he has said and measuring it up to what I am experiencing. The thought that I can possibly love Calvin is not one I want to entertain, but no one has ever made me feel what he has. I thought that I had been in love with Duncan, but those feelings didn’t even crack the surface compared to what Calvin makes me feel. I am questioning everything. There is so much in my life that needs to be figured out, I can’t afford to bring someone else into this madness. Far too much baggage takes up residence inside of me, and while I know I have to unpack it, I don’t want anyone else to have to be part of that.
But Calvin sees me.
Within the time we spent together, he saw more of me than some people who have known me my entire life. He saw me, and that is fucking frightening. What if he doesn’t like what he sees?
“Are you…” Dad’s voice reverts my attention to him, “Are you in love, Kita?”
My lips part with the intention of dismissing that question, but I can’t get the words to form. Reaching for my napkin, I wipe my mouth before looking over at my dad. “I-I don’t know.”
His hand crosses the table, wrapping around mine. “Don’t be afraid of loving someone, querida. Anyone would be lucky to be on the receiving end of that.” I feel him give my hand a squeeze, “But more importantly, don’t be afraid of being loved.”
A layer of vulnerability envelopes me as I shake my head. “I can’t. My life is a mess, pai. I’m so lost.” Emotion grips at my throat as I hold back tears. “I can’t involve someone else in this. This is for me to figure out alone.”
“Por que?”
“Because…” I wait for more words to follow, but I can’t come up with a good enough reason other than the truth. I am scared. I’ve spent my whole life wanting to be seen and for the first time, I don’t have to fight for someone’s attention. For once, I have been seen, and instead of embracing it, I ran. No, no - I fled. My own self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy had me on the first flight out.
“It’s okay to let someone in,” Dad murmurs, “To live is to love.”
A smile forms on my lips as I squeeze my dad’s hand, knowing that everything he says is right. “Obrigado, pai.”