Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ross
I get to the venue in Baton Rouge at four thirty.
The band probably isn’t here yet but there wasn’t time to go to the hotel first and then come here so I just came straight here.
And despite this being my job for a decade, I feel awkward and out of place.
Like most people, I don’t like having to apologize, even when I know I was in the wrong.
I also don’t know how much the crew knows.
“About time you got back!” Pete gives me the stink eye as soon as I round the corner. “I’m doing double duty as Z’s tech and tour manager—and fucking everything that could have gone wrong in the last week, has.”
I chuckle. “Well, I’m back now.”
I hope.
“Good.” He thrusts a walkie-talkie into my hand. “Now I’ll have back-up.”
I pause. “Dude, I don’t know if I still have a job. Not for sure.”
He waves a hand. “You’re fine. Trust me. They missed you.”
Before I can respond, I see the bus pull up to the back gate. The crew is still loading in so there’s a lot of activity and I don’t think anyone can see me yet.
I’ve never been this nervous. At least, not with these guys.
But now they’re heading in my direction and I know the exact moment when Z spots me. He doesn’t miss a beat and walks right over to me. There’s a somber expression on his face and I mentally brace myself.
Then, to my surprise, he yanks me into a bear hug. “About fucking time you got your head out of your ass,” he mumbles.
I hug him back. “Thanks, man.”
He grins and heads for the dressing room.
Kellan, Devyn, and Kingston all say hello, with Tommy pulling up the rear.
Our eyes finally meet and his are guarded but not angry.
“You’re not going to deck me, are you?” he asks glibly.
“No. Definitely not. But you’re welcome to take a swing if you want to even the score.”
He shakes his head. “What the hell are you talking about? I don’t need to hit you. I think we need to talk but you should know me better than that.”
“I do. And I’m really sorry.”
“Come on.” He motions with his head and I follow him to the dressing room.
Great. Five against one.
It’s not a fight, I remind myself.
And it’s not.
“I thought it would be good if we talked all together,” Tommy says, “but if you’d like to start out with just us, that’s okay too.”
“No. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have anything to hide.
And I owe all of you an apology.” I pause.
I’ve rehearsed what I want to say a hundred times but now the moment is here, I’m a bit tongue-tied.
“I, uh, I can’t explain what came over me.
It was like the pain and grief came back without warning—like you were somehow the villain even though that’s not true.
Even if you did know who your dad killed, which I know now that you didn’t, you were just a kid.
You had no control of your father’s actions and it was ridiculous for me to lose my temper like that. ”
“That’s the only part I don’t understand,” Tommy says after a moment. “Like, couldn’t you just have asked me?”
“I thought I did,” I admit sheepishly. “When I asked if you knew your dad was a murderer, I guess I assumed you would have known who his victims were.”
“My mom moved us as far away from him and the situation as possible. She was no saint, but she didn’t want that to haunt me. And when I turned nineteen, I changed my name.” He pauses. “It never occurred to me to look up the victims. I don’t know why.”
“When we talked to Sasha,” Z interjects, “she said she knew but she figured there was no reason to open that can of worms. It served no purpose.”
“I really am sorry,” I say, holding out my hands. “I hope you can forgive me.”
“I forgave you within an hour of it happening,” he says, taking my hand and then pulling me in for a hug. “Come on, man, we’ve been through a lot together.”
That we have.
And my fucking eyes feel scratchy again.
“You have my word nothing like that will ever happen again,” I say gruffly.
“All good, my brother.”
My brother.
Fuck, but it’s been a long time since anyone’s called me that.
“Thank you.” I step back, hoping to get my emotions under control.
“We good now?” Kingston asks, a twinkle in his eyes. “Because we have a lot going on, and we need both our tour manager and our back-up vocalist back.”
“Your voice isn’t better?” I ask in alarm.
“I’m close to a hundred percent,” he says, “but I learned how much better it is when I sing fewer songs every night. Having you out there really helped me. And if I can slow down a little, for another week or two, I’ll be a hundred percent in no time.”
“Whatever you need.”
“Sasha says you want to do the solo act thing for the European leg,” Z says. “Is that true?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I’m not interested in starting over. If I can make some money doing a mini-reunion type thing, even though it’s just me, that works because I’m saving up for a ring.”
Everyone grins.
“Well, that’s nice to hear,” Devyn says.
“She doesn’t know,” I say quickly. “So please don’t spill the beans. She likes romance and surprises.”
“We don’t know anything,” Kellan says, grinning.
“So, am I singing tonight?” I ask finally.
“I’d like you to,” Kingston says. “The band has been trying to give me breaks but I feel like I’m overdoing it, like I came back too soon.”
“Dammit, I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head.
“Nah, all good. I’m close. But another week playing half the show should get me where I need to be.”
“Of course.” I look around. “And I want you guys to know how much I appreciate you. For everything you’ve done for me over the years.
I knew I might not get my job back, and that bummed me out.
It also solidified my decision not to go back in the studio and do another album.
I like my job, I like being on tour with you guys.
I don’t want to go back to playing clubs or whatever. Maybe I’m spoiled.”
We all laugh.
“And we appreciate you,” Tommy says. “We were wild in the early days, and you were the only one who could truly handle us. Especially Carter.”
We’re all quiet for a minute, and I feel a sense of loss.
Carter was larger than life, so enigmatic and talented and fun to be around.
But when he was on a bender, he was wilder than anyone I’ve ever known.
Losing him felt unbearable, but in my case, I’d been through loss before so I was a little immune.
Devyn is incredible, though, and that Kingston fell in love with her is a testament to who she is, both as a woman and as a musician.
“Okay, no more talking about sad things,” Kellan says. “Let’s think about soundcheck.”
“And dinner,” Z adds.
“Where are the ladies?” I ask as we head for the door.
“They took the kids to a park and they’re going to have dinner with them before coming to the show,” Kingston says.
I nod and we start discussing the show.
“We can go back to the same set list we had before you left,” Kingston tells me.
“Works for me.”
“Also.” Kingston stops walking and takes my arm. “I’m still interested in taking a look at songs you’ve written. Even if you don’t want to record them, I can tell you if I think someone else might, and who might be interested.”
Gratitude washes over me.
“Thanks, man.” I nod. “I appreciate it. And yeah, I have a few I want to show you that I think you might like.”
“Let’s do it tomorrow since we’re off.”
“Sounds good.”
I head toward the stage and watch as Pete oversees set-up. They’re almost done and Z starts fiddling with one of his guitars.
“Hey, you planning to play guitar tonight?” Pete calls to me.
I hesitate.
That hasn’t been part of the act except for the one night where I tried it out. Otherwise, I’ve just been singing. I’m a decent guitar player but nowhere near as good as Z or Kellan.
I must have hesitated too long because Kingston answers for me. “Why don’t you set it up and then if he decides to use it, it’s there.”
“I haven’t played guitar live in years,” I admit.
He shrugs. “It’s fine. This way you have options.”
“You guys are too good to me.”
He smiles. “We’re family.”
I stand back and watch the controlled chaos going on around me.
This is home. Where I want and need to be. The only thing missing is Wynter, and she’ll be here in a couple of months. I’d prefer if she came now, but I understand fulfilling her obligations and not burning any professional bridges. That would be selfish of me.
But it’s okay.
Hell, everything is okay.
I have the job I love, an opportunity to perform my own songs this summer, and an incredible woman who loves me. I also have friends and a growing found family. People not related to me by blood but by heart. And that means the world to me.
No matter what happens next, I’m ready.
Since I have a couple of minutes, I pull out my phone and text Wynter. I promised her I’d let her know as soon as I finished talking to Tommy and the others.
ROSS: Hey, babe. Everything is good. Tommy and I made up. The band is on board with me opening for them this summer. And King wants me to sing for a few more nights so he can keep healing.
WYNTER: Thank goodness! I’m so happy for you.
ROSS: I miss you already.
WYNTER: Me too. But I need to finish my commitment to the clinic.
ROSS: I understand. Just want you to know I’m thinking about you.
WYNTER: Do you want me to talk to Harley and Tommy about you moving your stuff into their place or do you want to do it together?
ROSS: I’ll take care of it because you’ll still be in New Mexico when we get back to L.A. to prep for Europe and that’s the only chance I’ll have. Plus, I need to give thirty days’ notice so I’m going to bring it up later tonight.
WYNTER: Okay. Anything else going on?
ROSS: Nope. Just music and family and love.
WYNTER: LOL That sounds amazing. What more could anyone ask for?
What more indeed.
I’m a very lucky man.
And I realize how ironic it is that I’m able to say that at this point in my life.
ROSS: I love you. Gotta go.
WYNTER: Break a leg tonight. I’ll talk to you later. And I love you too.
I put my phone in my pocket and look around.
Pete and the rest of the crew making last-minute adjustments to the set.
The band gearing up for sound check.
And the strangest feeling of déjà vu.
Then it hits me.
The accident happened here in Baton Rouge.
Every other time we’ve played here I’ve numbed the pain and vanquished the ghosts by either feigning illness (in the early days) or getting plastered.
This year I didn’t even remember until just now.
Time to let it go, brother.
Joey’s voice.
He was always the voice of reason, and I guess that doesn’t change in the afterlife. Either that or I’m losing my mind.
You’re not crazy, Ross. Just tied up in memories. But that’s a good thing because you’re finally moving on.
Joey again.
Is it weird to have internal conversations with people?
“No ghosts today,” Tommy whispers.
Our eyes meet and I realize he knows. Someone must have told him and it’s suddenly a relief to have someone to share my grief with. To acknowledge it, even if it’s beyond time to move past it.
“I swear I just heard Joey’s voice,” I admit, looking away. Hoping he doesn’t think I’m crazy.
“Because he’s in here.” He lightly thumps me on the chest. “Where he and the others will always be.”
I take a shaky breath and then nod.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
“They’re always with you, man. Now let’s go play.” He jogs onto the stage and I follow behind him.
Kingston glances at me and winks.
Tommy starts thumping on the bass drum.
Devyn is reaching for her eight-string.
Kellan and Z are messing around, using their guitars as swords and pretending to be fighting.
I smile.
I’m home.