Chapter 23
MATTY
I can handle rough sex. I can handle passionate sex.
What I can’t handle are the touches I can barely feel. Lips brushing my skin but not bruising. Tongue tracing slow circles around my dick until I’m achingly hard.
Elias was patient and meticulous about getting us out of our clothes, and then he used my body as a playground for his fingers, his mouth, his tongue.
Right now, his hands are smoothing over my thighs, squeezing and kneading, forcing them up so he has better access to my dick and hole.
It’s torture to hold myself back from leaning into the touch, to not fuck myself on his face and release all of his awful tension with an orgasm.
But I meant it when I said I wanted to be his doll. I don’t want to chase release—I don’t even know that I want one at all.
I just want to feel him.
Elias leaves tiny stinging bites to my thighs. They don’t hurt, but they keep me present. He crawls up my body, leaving kisses of hot breath branded onto my skin. His mouth hovers over mine, and when he looks into my eyes, the first strand of control breaks.
I blink, and the tears I’d been holding back roll down only to be met with Elias’ soft lips.
“I know, sweetheart,” his words fan across my face. “You can cry. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”
They fall faster, harder, and while Elias is busy kissing them away, his hands spread me further apart, his hips nudge the inside of my thighs, and then he’s filling me with his cock, slowly and firmly. I open for him so easily, accept him into my body without a shred of resistance.
It feels so good.
And it hurts.
Not in my hole; that is a perfectly pleasurable stretch.
It’s my heart. Gone for him. Cracking at every tiny display of affection. Suffering with each roll of his hips, short and deliberate.
It builds.
And builds.
The pressure in my chest is suffocating.
The deeper he gets, the harder it is to breathe.
One pump rougher than the rest dislodges a sob from my throat.
My voice is soon to follow.
“Elias.” It’s a cry that peaks and breaks.
He puts a hand over my mouth, holding a soft “shh” to my ear.
With my mouth covered and Elias rolling into me over and over again, the muffled sobs come in droves.
They come until I can’t see anything past the tears in my eyes.
They come until my jaw starts to burn from Elias’ grip.
They come until my body coils tight, until his cock hits me somewhere just right and then the sobs become a scream.
Elias’ mouth replaces his hand, tongue plunging into my mouth as I writhe on the cock inside me, aftershocks rippling through me with every measured thrust.
The stillness comes to an end.
I throw my arms around Elias’ neck and kiss him back with everything I have.
I love you, too. I love you so fucking much I don’t know what to do with myself.
I can’t say it. I can’t reciprocate. Because it would only hurt us both.
Instead, I kiss him hard, and I fuck myself on his dick, taking him as deep as my body allows.
“Come in me,” I gasp into his mouth. “I’m on hormones and long term birth control.”
“Matty.”
“Please. I want to feel you, Lee.”
Our eyes lock on one another, and he gives me the barest nod. I’m empty, so fucking empty, while he slips out to pull off the condom, but then he’s sinking in again and every pleasure center in my body goes off all at once.
God, yes, he feels incredible.
I meet him thrust for thrust, rocking down as he punches up, and I have to yank his mouth to mine to bury my moans in his throat.
We both become more frantic as he gets closer to his own release. He pants into my mouth, movements getting sloppy, and I use what little energy I have left to wrap my legs around his hips and pull him in deeper.
“Are you sure you want this?” he asks as he shifts to a slow, deep pace. “The last thing I need is another accidental pregnancy.”
It’s that crooked smile, his stilted attempt at humor to wade through the heavy clouds crowding over us, that seals my heartache.
This is what was missing. Between Riley and I. We couldn’t joke about the hard shit. We couldn’t say something outlandish and just know the other person would get it.
I fucking laugh. A full belly—likely heard across the house—laugh. Elias makes a face. It’s a mix between his own laughter and a reflection of how badly he needs to come.
I grab his face and pull him down to me. I’m crying again; I can’t seem to make myself stop. My chest fucking hurts, and I’m so broken inside that breathing feels like there’s a thousand puncture wounds in my lungs. But there’s also a layer of bittersweet happiness.
Because Elias Lee is in love with me.
His movements stutter, he angles himself deep inside me, and he takes my mouth in a punishing kiss as his cock pulses with his release.
Warmth spreads from the inside out, and my chest feels like it might collapse. Still, I hold him and kiss him until I can’t stand it anymore, until I have to break away and bury my face in his shoulder.
He touches me like I’m precious, kisses my skin like he’s memorizing the taste, and whispers the same reassurance in my ear until my tears run dry and sleep settles in.
“I love you, Matty. I’m sorry.”
From an early age, I was on display for whoever wanted to watch. My entire childhood was spent on a competition dance stage, and my mother demanded perfection. Blisters, bruises, and various injuries were all a part of the game, and that alone should have made me hate it.
But dance was the one thing in the world that made me feel like … me. I didn’t have the words for how I felt then; there was just this sense of not belonging in my skin. Dance was the only way I could express those feelings. It was an outlet that kept me from drowning.
After the accident, when my entire world felt dampened and dull, I couldn’t connect to the music, and it felt like I was dying from the inside.
Riley refused to let me wallow. He dragged me out of bed, turned the stereo up so loud the other tenants of the apartment complex complained, and he made me move. Whether he was goading me or moving with me; Riley refused to let me rot.
It’s thanks to those memories that when I wake up bursting from the pain and yearning and overabundance of need thrumming through me, I know the only way to save myself is to let it out.
I’m quiet as I dress, as I throw my phone and wireless speaker into my hoodie pocket, and slip out the door without a word to anyone.
The park between the house and Elias’ job is wet from early morning dew, and while the sky has started turning a light shade of blue mixed with hues of orange and pink, the sun is a ways off from being seen through the foliage.
There’s the occasional jogger out for a run, maybe a dog walker or two, but the place is still fairly deserted.
There isn’t a shy bone in my body when it comes to dance, so as soon as I have my phone connected to the speaker and a few songs cued up, I lose the hoodie, close my eyes, and let all of the chaos burning inside me out.
Why does Elias have to be so reasonable? Kind and thoughtful, putting everyone else’s needs before his own. I was ready to try, dammit. No matter how hard I knew it was going to be. Yet here he is saying the hard shit out loud, making the smart decision and not the passionate one.
I want to be a part of their lives. I’m scared, more scared than I’ve been of anything before in my life. More than coming out to my parents. More than that first night on the streets. More than when Riley and I got together. More than when we broke up. More than the accident.
More than anything. It scares me how much I want this. How much I want him.
But I will be damned if I let his fear and mine beat us out.
He’s afraid I’m not ready; Maybe I’m not.
He’s afraid that him and Cal need more from me than I can give them; Maybe they do.
It hurts that he’s right, but being right isn’t enough of a reason to throw the fight.
My resolve isn’t swayed by one bad night. No matter how awful I feel. No matter the shit I have to work through. I’ll work through it.
Because I love the two of them with everything I am.
Elias isn’t going to believe me with words. The way I shut down tonight … that put the nail in the coffin for him. I could feel it in the way he looked at me, in the way he moved inside me as if this were final. As if because he thinks I can’t handle it, that I’ll walk away on his word.
Tough shit, Elias Lee, because I stopped taking orders from people who ‘just want the best for me’ when they told me to live my life in the closet.
Elias is in love with me.
Which means if I’m persistent enough, if I can prove that I can be what he and Cal need, he’ll let me back in. Because Elias and I are so weak for each other. We can’t stay away. We don’t want to.
I know I’m a mess of tears and snot, my hair has half fallen out of its bun and is whipping me in the face, but there’s still so much pain and frustration coiled tight inside of me that I can’t stop.
One song becomes two. Becomes five. By the time my body is screaming from overexertion, it’s been well over an hour and there’s a mini crowd gathered around.
My arms feel like lead, my legs are screaming with the threat of cramps, and my lungs burn like they've been underwater.
I'm well acquainted with that feeling.
Someone presses something cold to my chest, but my vision is too full of spots for me to register who.
“Thanks,” I rasp, taking the offered bottle of water and letting the coldness ease the rawness of my throat.
After a couple of minutes focused on slowing my heartbeat and catching my breath, I look up to thank them again, but the words get tangled on my tongue.
Miya stands there with her dark hair pulled back, decked out in jogging attire, with a knowing smile that looks more ominous than reassuring.
“I heard you leave,” she says softly, shoving her hands in her pockets. “When you didn’t come back, I got a little afraid that maybe you wouldn’t.”
“I would never abandon them. I just needed some air.”
She nods and motions to the bench where we both take a seat.
“I always joke that I’m the older sibling,” she says, staring out at the people walking by. “But Ei is the one who’s been like a big brother our whole lives. He takes care of people; it’s what he does. And in the process, sometimes he pushes them away.”
This isn’t all on him; I know it isn’t, but the words strike a chord all the same.
“Ei thinks with his head, and often forgets to give a voice to his heart.” She looks over at me, and whatever it is she sees makes her smile.
“These last few weeks? His heart has been speaking loud and clear. It’s practically been singing.
You did that, Matty. You brought that out of him.
You are important enough that for once, he listened to his own feelings instead of someone else’s. ”
I want to tell her that it’s all been a giant ruse, but that isn’t true, is it? Elias was right—again—that we were never pretending or putting on a show. It was always, deep down, what we wanted.
“I’m afraid,” I start, slow and unsure as the words unravel inside me, “that Cal is going to get hurt. That something like last night is going to happen, only worse. I’m afraid something will happen to him and I’ll never forgive myself. That Lee won’t either.”
No one has ever depended on me before, not in this way. Leaned on me for support, sure, but never outright needed me for their well being.
“You’re thinking about this all wrong. I’m not saying you and Ei would never clash on the parenting front, but he would never ever put that shit solely on you. If anything, he’d take the blame on himself.”
“I don’t want that either.”
Miya throws her hands up and shrugs. “Sorry, babe. The ugly shit is part of the package. Take it or leave it.” When my shoulders slump, she clicks her tongue. “Can you leave it?”
My answer is automatic. “No.”
She pats my leg, and I think she might not be so far off about the big sister thing. “You two will work it out. I have the feeling you might rival each other in the stubborn department.”
She’s probably right about that, too.
“Your wife is a lucky woman, you know that?”
Her smile is twice as bright as the sun peeking through the trees. “Of course she is.” Then, she sighs with a wistful giddiness. “Wife. Best fucking feeling in the world.”
For a split second, I let myself imagine what marrying Elias might be like—both of us in suits, standing across from one another—and the idea doesn't paralyze me. Not like it would have before. It sends a stab of pain down my sternum that I rub with the heel of my hand, though.
We’re nowhere near something like that; hell, last night was as close to an official break up as the two of us can manage given how intertwined we are. But just the fact that a symbol of forever doesn’t make me feel like the world is caving in?
Falling in love with Elias changed something in me.
I won’t give that up.
I won’t give up on myself, and I won’t give up on him.
I only need to find a way to show him, to prove that he’s wrong, and that the moment he ran into me at Randy’s, he was stuck with me forever.