Chapter 24
ELIAS
Miya’s wedding is one of the most magical experiences of my life.
It’s an evening wedding, so the sky is a light blue with a dusting of pink, but we’re surrounded by trees so tall it almost appears black.
There are fairy lights wrapped around the branches, lit lanterns hung from posts and large tree limbs.
The green grass is scattered with flower petals of pink and orange.
There are thick, pale colored cushions separated into rows instead of chairs, and I can’t help but smile at the palpable love that went into the setup. Leave it to Miya to do things as untraditional to both of our cultures as humanely possible. I love it, though.
Neither of them have a wedding party. The officiant stands below a beige canopy with splatters of pink, orange, and white paint that I can imagine the two of them had fun creating. Our parents are in the front row on the left along with our little brother, Eriol.
Calum and I are in the front on the right, with the kiddo sandwiched right between me and Matty. On each of Cal’s wrists are a pair of soft cuffs, one connected to either of us beside him. For as beautiful as the set up is, it’s not entirely safe for a bolter.
Right before leaving to board her flight home to finish these wedding preparations, Miya had insisted on getting Matty and I new suit jackets. Something about ‘plain ole black’ being ‘mega boring’. Seeing the aesthetic here, I get it.
Mine is a soft, navy blue that matches the footsie sleeper she put Cal in, and Matty’s is a deep maroon that makes his eyes seem even warmer than usual.
Things have been a little tense and awkward on that front, but the day to day things like maintaining the house and working with Cal have been running surprisingly smoothly.
We haven’t kissed in over a week, and the most intimate we’ve been was holding hands when we arrived. I know it was my decision, but I didn’t know I could miss someone so terribly when they’re right next to me.
Today isn’t about my bumbling love life, though. It’s about Miya. My sister. My twin. One of my best friends in the entire world. Tying her life to the woman she loves.
There is no giving anyone away either. Right as the music starts up—not a wedding march but some Safetysuit song they’ve been obsessed with—Miya and Roxy start down the aisle with their arms linked.
Roxy is decked out in a black, lace dress with fishnets on her arms, dark hair thrown up into spiked pigtails, while Miya’s dress is a white lace just shy of touching the ground, with her hair swept up into a pinwheel.
They somehow look out of place and fit right in at the same time.
Right before they reach the end, Roxy takes Miya’s hand and gives her a twirl, both laughing as they fit into each other’s arms with the look of two lovesick fools.
I’ve never been happier for my sister.
A few minutes into the ceremony, I make the mistake of looking over at Matty. Just a glance while I’m checking on Cal, and the sheer longing I see there steals all of my focus like a black hole.
I want to reach over and touch him. Hold his hand. Kiss his temple and hold him close, because I get it.
The love these two have for each other? The blatant display of it? I'm envious.
Matty hasn't confirmed feeling for me what I do for him, but our hearts have been open to each other from the start, and I swear there are times I see that love reflected back at me.
For the rest of the ceremony, I can't keep my eyes off of him. I try to keep my attention on Miya, but it drifts, and when we're asked to take our pillow seats and lay them off to the side so the area can open up for their first dance, I'm consumed by the urge to have Matty in my arms.
I miss most of the dance, I know I do, because suddenly there Miya is, standing in front of me with a look that axes all arguments.
“Dance with me,” she requests sweetly, but it isn't a request at all. Her fingers close around my suit jacket, and she yanks me so hard I almost stumble over my feet. Good thing we unhooked my cuff or there'd be one heck of a train wreck following after her.
A quick glance around shows Roxy dancing with her own brother, but Miya's arms around my neck quickly divert my focus back to her. She's got this lovesick expression when she follows my gaze, but then she sighs and replaces it with something stern.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“Doing what?”
She pinches the back of my neck, and I narrowly avoid stepping on her foot in retaliation. “Refuse to let yourself be happy.”
“I am happy.” It isn't a lie. I might be a little off kilter right now with all of this unresolved tension with Matty, but at the very least, the last few weeks with him in my life have been the happiest I've been in a long time.
The stare she levels me with tells me she is very much not amused. “Tell me you have a good reason for breaking both of your hearts, and I won't sic our mother on you.”
“You wouldn't dare.”
“How do you think she'd feel to know her eldest son, her pride and joy, was tucking his tail and running from the first actual love of his life?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “That is a low blow and you know it.”
Our mother adores Cal. Loves him as much as the rest of us—even offered to bear most of the weight of raising Cal when I started to struggle—but if there's one thing she's tried to beat into my brain, it's not to give up on finding a love of my own. She's a romantic, always has been.
But she's also absolutely no nonsense and isn't afraid to beat a little sense into her children.
Miya's face softens just a bit around the edges.
“You're my little brother. My best fucking friend on the planet.
But I mean it. Why are you pushing him away when you are so obviously head over heels in love with him?
Because he had a fumble with Calum? Because he was—rightfully might I add—afraid that you wouldn't want him anymore?”
The words hit like a slap to the face. I reel back, whipping my head toward where Matty and Cal are standing near the snack table, but Miya tugs on my suit until I return my focus to her.
“That's his biggest fear, Ei. That he'll fuck up and you'll toss him aside.”
Even though I shake my head and insist I would never, ever fucking do that, my sister's tight smile is unwavering.
“The reasoning might be different, but that's exactly what you're doing to him, little brother. You're pushing him away when he's asking you to hold him closer.”
That's not true. Matty agreed with me. This whole predicament hurts us both, but we know it's for the best. We need a little breathing room. Time for Matty to make sure being tied to us is what he really wants—that he's ready for it.
“When I said he needed time,” she goes on, “I didn’t mean time apart. I meant to be patient with him.”
“It wouldn’t be fair for me to keep putting that on him.”
Miya huffs, and for a beat I genuinely worry she’s going to deliver me to our mother.
“Talk to him,” she says, and when I don't immediately agree, she drops her arms and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the man in question. “This one is yours now. Gimme my favorite nephew.”
Matty has to steady his hands on my shoulders so we don't both tumble into the food table. As Miya leads Cal into the music where a handful of other people are now dancing, I stay frozen in Matty’s pseudo-embrace, my hands hovering just above his waist.
Neither of us speak, and I don’t think we honestly know what to say to each other. It’s been like this since that night, where we can talk about work and Cal, but the moment it’s just the two of us, we become tongue tied.
Is Miya right? Did I go about this all wrong?
“Dance with me?” The words fall out unbidden, but they must be the right ones, because Matty’s soft, affectionate smile seeps straight into my heart.
“Always.” He twists my tie around his fingers like I do with his hair and tugs me toward the music.
A soft piano plays throughout the open air as my arms go around Matty's waist, his sliding up the front of my shirt to link behind my neck. Our bodies sway in tune with the music, with each other, Matty's wide eyes watching mine with rapt attention.
My lungs fight to expand, seeking out that quiet, blissed exhale that Matty always makes when we touch. Its absence sends a spiderweb of trepidation through my nervous system.
I pull him in tighter, until our bodies are nearly flush together, and press my thumb into the soft skin beneath his chin. He tips his head back, and I lower mine so we're both one small move from colliding.
His lips part, sucking in a full breath, and that's when I see that Miya is right. It's in the way his fingers tighten around the collar of my shirt. How his body tenses when our chests even slightly brush. How his eyes mist over when I don't close the distance.
He's holding back. It's what I asked for, but I'd rather break my heart a thousand times than watch him hide the sadness consuming him.
Hiding from me.
“I love you,” I whisper, watching his eyes trace the words on my lips. “Nothing you could ever do would change that. Nothing will make me stop wanting you.”
Matty licks his lips, still focused on mine, and when his eyes do flit up, he raises onto his toes until our mouths are barely an inch apart.
“I’m in love with you, Elias Lee.” Electricity crackles across my skin, and I grip him tighter, pull him impossibly closer. “You and Cal are my everything. The last thing in the world I want is to be separated from you.”
He breathes in deep and I take that moment to capture his mouth with mine, coaxing a shaky moan to pass between us.
My lips never stop touching his, even when I speak.
“I never meant to make it seem like I didn’t want you.
” We kiss again, and he’s the one who puts space between us to take in a breath.
“I can’t think straight while being in love with you.
If it’s half as bad for you … I want you to be sure you want this.
More than just wanting me, but wanting the life that comes with that. ”
I feel his glare more than I see it, and his hands slide down to fist the sides of my jacket. “And I respect that,” he says, voice soft but on edge. “But you didn’t give me a choice. You made the decision for us.”
“Because I was afraid you couldn’t.”
“Because you were afraid I wouldn’t. You didn’t trust me to think things through. You saw me at a low point and decided what I could and couldn’t handle.”
It’s a little unnerving how intense he can get while still keeping his voice low and steady.
“I just want you to be happy.”
“You make me happy, Lee.” He grips the back of my neck and pulls me down to him again. “You and our flirty text messages. Our late night chats. Breakfast with Cal. Signing sessions where you get so frustrated you pout in the corner until I kiss your fragile little ego better.”
I love all of those things, too. Every chance I get to spend with him, each little piece of him I unlock, all the new things I learn, they’re some of my favorite parts of the day.
“You never stopped to consider what I want. What I’m willing to fight for.”
“I don’t want you to have to fight for me.”
Matty rolls his eyes. “I don’t have to. I want to.” Something in him loosens, and he drops his head to my chest. “You’ve never had to meet that side of me. The one who claws his way through pain and heartache to get what he needs. But that’s such a huge part of who I am.”
He sighs softly, and with the music and my heartbeat in his ear, I don’t dare try to speak.
“I think it’s time you meet him. Because as long as you’re afraid, he’s going to be needed.”
“You make me sound like I’m the obstacle,” I mutter to myself, but Matty looks up with a cheeky grin.
“You are.” He leans up to steal a kiss, and as the song fades into another, he pulls himself out of my arms. “I love you anyway.”
I want to reach for him again, but I don’t. I take him in from the proud tilt of his chin, his squared shoulders with the braid laid across, hands in his pockets, back to the determination gleaming in his gaze.
“What do you want?” I ask him, feeling that I already know the answer.
“Silly, silly Elias.” His smile is so heartfelt and so breathtaking that I almost miss the words that come next.
“I want to fight and fumble and figure out exactly how we can fit together. I want us to learn what life can be like with the three of us. Yes, I’m stepping into your dynamic with Cal, but I’m also creating one with you, with him, all of us.
I’m not the only one who will need to adjust. But I think we can do it. I hope we can.”
Matty lets out a shuttering breath and forces his stance straighter. “I don’t want time to figure myself out; I want to figure it out with you.”