Chapter 21
Until I die
Vials and substances in bottles of different sizes and shapes are arranged on two tables in the motel room.
Even the walls are lined with shelves filled with colourful liquids.
I don’t even think about asking her how long she's been here. It’s clearly not her first rodeo in a place like this.
Especially not with those glasses that seem like they just came out of a radioactive laboratory.
“I’m not a drug-making machine, like…” she says and then stops, looking at me.
“Like Marshall is. You could’ve continued. I’ve gotten used to the idea of almost being married to a sociopathic chemist.”
“Did you bring the journal?” Bianca asks Lucas while she puts the substance from the syringe Lucas gave her into one of the three vials she has next to her.
Before asking her how she heard about it, Lucas takes it out of the backpack we had with us and puts it on the table.
He types messages faster than I write my incomplete books. Maybe I should borrow this habit. This way, I could note down the multitude of ideas that go through my head in a document and not freeze mid-sentence because my hands did not keep up with my brain regarding my typing speed.
Bianca rests the vial in its holder after she writes the time on it, then removes her gloves and glasses and opens the journal.
She reads the title and frowns. She turns the page, and I can see how she gulps. Her eyes go wide, taking her gaze off the journal and onto mine.
“No offence, especially because I love you and care about you, but how could you have been so blind? I told you from the first day I met him that something was wrong with him. You guaranteed me that I was seeing stuff. I agreed just because you told me how much you cared about him, but now I can finally tell you what I wanted to say all this time: I told you! I told you! You haven’t listened to me, and now you have to deal with the consequences of your own actions,” she says, getting back to the journal.
A trace of a smile appears on her lips, but disappears fast. I don’t know if I’m only seeing things, but I ignore the uneasy feeling. It’s probably because of her pride in her own thoughts that she wants to show, but she is too scared to upset me.
“I want to concentrate on finding out what the hell this drug contains, so please get out and let me work in peace.”
When I’m about to get out the door, I’m stopped by Bianca’s voice.
“Anmara?”
“Yes?” I say in a hoarse voice.
“Don’t take it personally, but think about how you want your ex-love story to end,” she says with her eyes still glued to Marshall’s notes.
I nod. When I see that she doesn’t say anything else, I get out and deeply inhale the air full of emissions from the car that just left the parking lot. It seems that once you exit Tamwine, the air isn’t so fresh and clean anymore.
Lucas closes the door behind us and positions himself in front of me.
I raise my eyes to his. He sees how affected I am by Bianca’s words and strongly hugs me.
I hug him back, wishing to immerse myself in the warmth of his chest and not feel how pathetic and idiotic I have been in the last five years anymore.
?
The road to the closest restaurant in Contard was short, but calmer than the one to this small town. Our hands were clasped together in the middle of the car, right above the console. It sent me a sense of security that I never felt when I was with Marshall.
What makes Lucas different from the others?
Lucas stops the car when we reach the small restaurant.
He looks at our intertwined hands, then gets out of the car.
That makes me feel for a second how the warmth he’s emanating disappears, only to see him open the car door and holding out his hand for me.
I grab it without thinking, desperately needing this little connection to not lose myself in my own thoughts.
On one side, I want to get back in the car and drive as far away as I can from all this craziness. On the other hand, I know that, since Cathal could easily locate Lucas, he could find me anywhere as well. That and the man beside me are the only things stopping me from disappearing into the world.
I try to erase the beautiful image of us together.
It is calm and relaxing, but I still don’t trust enough the fact that I won’t be hurt again.
That when I’ll dedicate my whole heart to another person, it won’t be broken into a million pieces again.
I trust Lucas, but I don’t trust the people surrounding us.
The ones that could seal our future better than we could.
You think too fucking much, Anmara. Shut up your mind! It’s exhausting as hell.
We enter the restaurant, and I play my best smile that could exist in such a moment as we sit down and get the menus.
“What do you want to eat? And don’t tell me that you wanna eat me, because you need to get some food in that stomach of yours,” Lucas smiles, trying to break the emotional tension that is still present, making me genuinely laugh.
“From what I remember, I didn’t express that wish,” I say while looking at the menu and eyeing something that makes my mouth water. “This actually looks more appetising than you,” I wink at him.
“So you admit you want me,” he winks at me in turn, making me roll my eyes, while finally having an authentic smile on my face.
“Did you decide what you want to order?” says a waitress with a notepad in her hand.
“We would like two burgers with extra cheddar and a side of fries with garlic and parmesan. Also, some maple syrup pancakes,” Lucas surprises me by remembering my favourite dessert.
“Very good choice,” she smiles, and I make a bet with my consciousness that it is her line for whatever we would’ve ordered. “Would you also like something to drink?”
“Yes. An ice-cream frappé,” I say, and then move my gaze to Lucas to surprise him. “And a chocolate milkshake.”
I get the most beautiful, sweet smile from Lucas as confirmation that I was right.
“Of course. I will come back in a couple of minutes with your order,” Susan says, as I read on her tag, and goes to the kitchen.
Lucas puts my menu down and gets my hand, while looking at me with the same intensity.
“I told you we are soulmates, but you didn’t believe me," he says, making me roll my eyes.
“We were nine years old, and even though I adored you, I had to be realistic,” I say, maintaining his gaze.
“I was always irresistible.”
His other hand touches my nose, making me softly laugh like an adolescent in love.
Maybe I am. Just in love, as I’m no longer an adolescent. At least my mind seems way older than my body, considering how much I had to endure.
He gets off his side and comes next to me, making me move to the window seat, while his hand doesn’t leave mine.
His lips come next to my ear in the most sensual way.
The warmth of his exhale from the back of my head makes me gulp and hold my breath while I’m waiting for his whispers.
What his voice says makes me shiver, adore him, and freak out at the same time, while his words get like a bandage over my soul.
“I promised myself that I'll make you mine, and you won’t object. I will take you to the most fierce heights of your pleasure. Anyone who will stand against your choices and your happiness will no longer walk on this earth for the time we’ll live together, but after our death too.
It won’t be a simple kids' battle, but one to the death for those who dare raise a finger against you. This time I’ll keep my word, and you won’t say anything against it, because you’ll be mine. ”
?
We exit the restaurant with our stomachs full and in a more relaxed atmosphere. I can’t remove the predominant smile from my face.
Until my gaze reaches the car.
“What the hell?”
Lucas goes by me and heads directly to the car with all four tires flat.
A soft gust of wind intensifies the chills I’m feeling, alongside the gentle raindrops. The black skies and the dark vibes only accentuate my breathing and darken my thoughts.
Someone followed us.
Did you expect anything else? Life is not always pink, princess.
We can’t get more than one moment of peace, not even outside that fucking town.
Ok, maybe it is also related to the fact that we stole that car. And we were so absorbed by one another that none of us noticed what happened to our car, even though we had a direct view of it.
Do you want to surprise us more, you bloody universe?
I don’t even realise that I turned stone still until I feel Lucas shaking me, telling me that we have to get out of this place.
I just nod without listening to what he is telling me and move my legs out of the reflex back to the motel.
?
“I don’t get why he kept a fucking journal about that shitty drug if it doesn’t have anything that can help me besides its key ingredients,” Bianca says the moment we enter her motel room, pointing at me and throwing the journal straight to my face.
It would’ve hit me if Lucas hadn’t caught it in time.
“Hey! It’s not her fault that you aren’t good enough to figure out what’s missing,” Lucas frowns. “I was probably wrong about your abilities.”
Bianca just frowns, and she seems like she is about to explode from the anger inside of her.
I still can’t talk properly or move normally. I don’t even remember when I’ve gone and sat on the bed in the room. I just woke up to the fact that I am sitting on something soft, while I’m hearing the thrown words around me in passing.
“Fucking take that back!” Bianca screams.
“But I haven’t said anything specifically,” Lucas says, probably rolling his eyes from the tone of his voice.
“Maybe you’ll find another chemist who can do this. How about asking Marshall directly? That would save us a whole lot of trouble.”
“I have other options, and you know that, but there is no need to get angry just now.”
“Really? Are you the one to talk? Did you at least read what that man said in this journal? Girl, I don’t know how you lasted so long with a man that had pleasures so grotesque and frightening,” Bianca says, addressing the words to me.
I lift my gaze to hers, but don’t do anything other than that. I feel my body in the present, but my mind is going to the darkest of places.
Whoever made that minuscule wound to the car could’ve come to kill us just fine.
I still ask myself why they didn’t do that already.
I had such a good state of mind back at the restaurant, where the only things that were heard were our laughs and pleasure moans while we were eating the delicious food, and while we were stealing fries from each other. I felt like I was on a first date. Calm, relaxed, spoiled.
That beautiful moment seems ripped from a distant memory, thrown deep inside my brain, and all that remains on the surface could do so much harm…
Then don’t fucking keep me hidden anymore!
If Bianca had brought some good news and an antidote, it would’ve been better. Maybe I would’ve recovered faster from the hypnotic state I was in.
Come on, Anmara. I need a good distraction. I know you want it too.
“Buuuut,” Bianca continues, waking me up from my trance, “I could do some tests if someone would bring me the right subjects,” she points to Lucas. “Preferably ones that ingested that drug.”
“There may be a tiny problem in this chapter,” I say, distracting her and myself, as to how weird and low my voice sounds.
“I hope you aren’t referring to Paul,” she says in a hoarse voice.
For a second there, on her face appears a satisfied expression, but it quickly disappears.
I think the monsters around us want to reflect in the people we are seeing, too, causing me the most idiotic hallucinations.
“I won’t test on him. Not even if it’s the last thing I’ll do,” Bianca growls, while a single tear rolls down her right cheek.
“No,” I say, making her relax and put her hands on her face. “That is another problem that needs to be solved, but it’s possible to have something more interesting for you.”
“Surprise me,” she says through her hands.
“Marshall.”
She abruptly drops her hand, and her eyes go wide.
“Anmara, dear,” she says in a demonic voice. “You know how much I love you, but why the hell didn’t you start with this instead of throwing me an atomic bomb and making me think that I’ll have to kill my future husband?” she screams the last part with her fists clenched on each side of her body.
She looks like she wants to beat me up, but my thoughts aren’t far from hers anyway. They are almost sadistic, but this isn’t the right moment to use them.
I can’t wait to sit and write to remove this mental tension. To bestow all of these dark emotions, and for her not to return. That was my escape from that accident, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep her in tow.
I promised you that it won’t be like the last time.
I don’t fucking believe you, you bitch.
“In case Lucas hasn’t told you, you won’t recognise your future husband, besides his physical aspect,” I growl, thinking of what I had to endure.
“I noticed that too when I saw him on the surveillance cameras with that woman who looked much better than me,” Bianca says, cracking her fingers. “I would love to find her, too, but now… where’s Marshall?”
?
I didn’t even think that this small woman could have that much force inside of her. That’s probably what happens when someone creates something that ruins your life. Well, that and the strength from the gym.
I can’t wait to see how she’ll react when she finds out who is truly responsible for what happened to Paul. Lucas and Blake won’t even see it coming.
I watched her for 15 minutes while she punched Marshall and yelled at him. She hit him in the nose, in his ribs, and in his genital organs, which I treasured too much. Now, looking at him from a different angle, I’m not feeling anything. Not even a drop from what I felt before.
You’re welcome.
Yeah, yeah.
‘Thanks, Anora’ is what you should’ve said. But I will settle for an approval from you.
“Wow, I feel so much better now,” Bianca says.
She is looking at Marshall with a diabolical smile and her hands on her hips, while looking at Marshall’s face full of blood. I bet she is pleased with what she’s done to him.
Marshall spits the red liquid from his mouth next to Bianca’s shoes, but still keeps the neutral expression on his face.
“Now,” she continues, putting her hands around his throat, “tell me exactly what that thing that you created contains.”
“Never!” Marshall smirks. “It’ll die with me.”