Chapter Twenty-Three
SELWIN
Confessing to Finn about everything that happened in Chicago makes it feel like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He gives me another hug and heads back to the kitchen to grab breakfast. I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat the food he’s prepared, but then again, I need fuel.
And Finn’s right; I can’t let what happened in Chicago screw up the new life I’m creating.
I’ve trained for years in this sport, and I have a lot of hockey left to play.
Fuck them. Fuck all of them.
I sound brave, but I’ll need to keep reminding myself until the puck drops…
Finn moves around my kitchen like he’s at home, and it chases away my lingering fears.
Not only is he a sweet and sensitive guy, but at twenty-two, he’s more in tune to people’s emotions than I am, and he’s not afraid to call me out either.
I used to be the guy who avoided difficult conversations.
I never took anything, except hockey, seriously. Not anymore.
“Are you sure you don’t want help?” I ask.
Finn shakes his head and opens the oven. He pulls out a tray of sizzling bacon, pours the hot grease into a pan and adds eight eggs. While those are cooking, he removes a huge stack of pancakes from the warmer and starts loading up each plate. The tantalizing smells make my stomach rumble.
“Do you want to eat over there?” he asks as he dishes up the fried eggs.
“Yeah.”
Finn sets two massive plates of breakfast on the coffee table, as well as butter.
“Oh, let me get the syrup.”
A quick dash and he’s back, plunking the bottle down.
“Glad you have real Vermont maple syrup and not the fake stuff.”
“I tease Damien about spending all his time eating cheese and maple syrup. Truthfully, I bought ten bottles when I was there this summer,” I admit. “Once you taste the real thing, there’s no going back.”
Finn stares at my lips intently. “You’re right.”
“Are we still talking about syrup?”
“Fuck no.”
I smile and shovel in a perfect bite of fluffy pancake, salty bacon, and crispy egg.
“Oh my God, Finn. This is so good,” I moan. “You do a lot of cooking?”
“Not so much now that I’m on my own. But back home, yeah. Everyone had to pitch in on everything—chores, cooking, cleaning. Farm life teaches you self-sufficiency at an early age.”
I shove another piece of buttery sweet pancake in my mouth and savor it. But it’s the fried eggs that have me hooked.
“Cooking these in bacon fat is next level good.” I speak with a mouthful of food. “No wait, I’m wrong. It’s the best.”
“I should’ve asked how you like it. The eggs.” He blushes. “I prefer them cooked this way. I spoon a couple of tablespoons of hot grease over the yolk to set it, but not enough to cook it all the way through. Sunnyside, but better.”
“I don’t think I can eat them any other way from now on.”
Before I know it, we’ve finished our meals and sit back to relax.
I place my arm around Finn’s shoulders, and he snuggles into me as we watch the city outside my windows, the day surprisingly bright and clear for November.
I’ve never been content in silence, but with him, it’s different. Everything is different.
“I better sort the kitchen and head back to my place,” Finn states. “I need to get in a workout at the gym.”
“Me too. I need to burn off some nerves. Text me when you’re heading up and I’ll go after.” I pause and kiss the top of his head. “I want you to stay tonight, but with the game tomorrow—”
“Not a good idea.”
“Neither of us will get much sleep.” I smile against his hair. “And leave the kitchen, I’ll do it.”
Finn shifts and looks at me with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Next time, how about the two of us do it in the kitchen?”
A vivid image of Finn bending me over the island and fucking me hard has an immediate effect on my cock. I could return the favor and suck him off or give him a rim job…
“I guess if we’re going to make a mess, might as well have fun.”
When I kiss him, I taste maple goodness and rich coffee.
“Don’t start that,” he warns.
“But we’ll finish it another night?”
“Damn right.”
I let go of Finn and he pads to the bedroom.
Biting back the urge to follow, I get busy picking up the empty plates and cups. I load up the dishwasher, wipe down the counters, and put the pans in the sink.
When Finn saunters out, fully clothed, he’s still the biggest temptation, and I don’t want him to leave.
He gives me a heated once-over that tells me he feels the same.
Much as I want that, I shove my lust aside.
This game tomorrow is going to be the most difficult of my career, and I need time to mentally prepare myself.
Not that it feels like a game. There’s a reason I wanted to come out, and I realize now that it wasn’t all about me.
Representation matters more than ever, or hockey will never change.
It’s scary to be the one in the spotlight, but I’m strong enough to handle it.
I hope.
“You can do this,” Finn states, like he can read my mind. “You’re stronger than all of them.”
I nod, too choked up to reply.
Finn heads down the hallway and I follow him, one hand on his waist. Turning around, we share one more kiss and a promise to text later.
Opening the door, I look out, and when I don’t see anyone around, he makes his exit.
I’ve got the crazy desire to watch him walk away, but I hear my phone ringing and quickly shut the door.
Please don’t let it be Hugo.
When I finally head into my bedroom and glance at my phone, I breathe an enormous sigh of relief.
Incoming call: Damien
“Hey bud,” I answer and sit my tender ass on the bed. “What’s up?”
“Wanted to call to see how you’re doing and if you need to talk before your upcoming game.”
I grip my neck.
“I was, uh, chatting with Finn about it, but the more support, the better. I’m so fucking nervous, even though I know I gotta face them sometime. It’s inevitable.”
“Facing your old team isn’t easy for anyone, but for you and given what happened? Shit, Sel, I’d be as anxious as you are.”
“My biggest fear is that three periods will turn into one gigantic fight. We’ve all been in scraps when adrenaline and tempers run hot, but fans want to see hockey, not a three-hour boxing match. I’m worried they’re going to come after me and it’s going to be brutal.”
“Have you talked to Coach Range about it?”
“No. You think I should?” I ask.
“You don’t need to tell him everything, but he needs to know how your old team reacted.”
“Given how quickly I got traded after my announcement, I think he’s smart enough to figure it out.”
“Yeah, but you need to tell him how it affected you,” Damien continues. “Mentally and physically.”
“I think you’re right.”
“And your teammates. Maybe open up about how bad it got so they can prepare too. Things on the ice could get nasty and you don’t want them blindsided.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks, D.”
“Of course. Silas sends his best. We’re both rooting for you guys,” he replies. “By the way, how’s the bromance with Finn? In real life, not on the ice.”
I choke on my spit and cough.
“Take the ‘b’ away and it’s going,” I confess. “I think I’m, fuck, I don’t know if I can admit it out loud yet.”
There’s a moment of silence.
“Sel?”
“This is the real deal.”
“Are you shitting me?” he whispers.
I hold my breath for a second.
“It’s serious, for me and for him,” I admit.
“But obviously we’re keeping this a secret.
We need time before we say or do anything about it.
And if this continues, I don’t know if Finn will be comfortable with both of us playing for the Rush.
He might not want to come out either. There are our careers to consider, his family, the media… It’s a hurricane waiting to unleash.”
“Personally, I’m happy for you, but also very concerned,” Damien replies. “Have you told Miki yet? Or your PR rep, what’s his name again?”
“Hugo. And no. Only when—I mean if—Finn wants to come out. If this relationship lasts. We’ve only known each other a couple of months. Finn could change his mind, decide I’m not worth if it means fucking up his hockey future. And if that happens, that’s the end of it. No news to tell.”
Will Finn change his mind? The idea has chills racing through my body.
“But you’re together now. I think you should warn Miki,” Damien replies. “What if something gets leaked to the press? Your agent’s gotta be prepared. Hugo too.”
“I’ll talk to Finn first and see if he’s okay with it.”
“Look at you, being so mature and shit. Am I talking to the real Sel Kirkland or some imposter?” he chuckles.
“Fuck off.”
“Seriously, I hope things work out for you and Finn. No matter what, Silas and I support you. And we’re only a plane ride away.”
“Thanks, D.”
“I’ll be watching tomorrow’s game, and if anyone tries to hurt you—”
“I’ll mimic your trademark glare so they shit their pants first,” I quip.
“Hey, my husband happens to love my glare.”
I laugh. “He’s the only one.”
“Call me after the game, Sel. No excuses.”
“Yes, Coach Damien.”
“If I were there, I’d give you a smack on the shoulder for that and then a big hug.”
“A hug? You?”
“Yes, me.”
I chuckle at his put-out tone.
“Are you planning on coming down here to watch a game in person? I can get you tickets, name the date.”
“I’ll get back to you on that in the new year. Play hard and don’t let those fuckers win.”
“I’ll do my best. Thanks for calling me, bud. It means a lot.”
“Our friendship means a lot, remember that.”
“Say hi to Silas, and wish him the best for me.”
“Will do.”
When I end the call, my phone buzzes with a notification.
Finn: At the gym, should be done in half an hour.
Sel: Okay, thanks. Call you this evening? A few more things to talk about.
Finn: Name the time
Sel: Seven?
Finn: talk to you then
Finn adds a wolf emoji and a blue heart, making me smile. I stare at the screen and send him a kiss emoji. I don’t recognize myself or the dopey expression on my face.
Shake off your daydream, Kirkland, it’s time to get back to business.