Chapter Twenty-Two #3
He nods, leaning his forearms on the counter, and I wander back to the oven, turn it off, and fire up the coffee machine.
A few minutes later, two steaming cups in hand, I motion to the living room.
“How about we sit over there?” I offer. “It’s more comfortable.”
He nods, gets off the stool, and heads for one of the sofas. Once he’s comfortable, I place the coffee on the table and sit beside him.
“Do you want to tell me what really went down in Chicago?” I ask. “I mean, you gave me the general gist but not the details. If you’re comfortable talking about it. I don’t know if it’ll help, but it’s worth a shot.”
Sel takes a long sip of his coffee and faces me.
“My life turned upside down as soon as I made the formal announcement that I was bi. Except for the team staff, no one talked to me or looked at me, even when we were on the ice. Everything was awkward and tense. This was the team I’d played with since I was drafted, and some of the guys I’d known for years.
I hung out with them, invited them to my home.
Yes, I always kept up the pretense that I was only into women, but still, I figured these were my friends, that they’d accept me for who I am and welcome the fact that I was finally comfortable to be myself.
” He sighs. “To say I was shocked by their rejection is an understatement. I was nervous, almost scared, to be around them and I started throwing up before I got to the rink. It was like… like someone was holding me under water and I couldn’t breathe.
There were nasty comments on my socials, and the team’s.
I was so fucking na?ve to think it was going to be okay.
Why did I think I’d be different? That the league was ready? I was too freaking cocky. Not anymore.”
He puts down his coffee, and I take his hand.
“The breaking point came two weeks into training. When I arrived early to the locker room, I found one of my jerseys vandalized. Someone wrote ‘queers don’t belong here’ and there was a threatening image of exactly what they meant. I’ve only told Miki about it.”
Sel closes his eyes for a moment, blinking hard, and I hold on tighter.
“It was a crude drawing of me with a… a rope tied around my neck. They covered the jersey in spatters of red paint, like blood, just to push the point home.”
All the air rushes out of my lungs.
“Jesus Christ.”
Sel’s eyes well up and I can feel mine burning too. I reach for him, hugging him hard, trying to offer whatever comfort I can.
“Sorry,” he whispers into my neck, hot tears hitting my skin.
“Sel, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“I don’t think I’ve cried since that day. I’ve locked it down because it hurts so fucking much. I was living my dream one day and a nightmare the next.”
How could anyone do something so vile? I’m worried, but more than that, I’m enraged.
I cup his jaw and kiss his temple.
“I was scared, in shock, but looking back—” His voice breaks. “It’s painful knowing I trusted these guys for years and they turned their backs on me like I’m the enemy. They hate me because I’m queer. What does it have to do with them?”
I hold on even tighter. I’m scared for Sel and my heart aches. If his experience coming out was that bad, imagine the Rush finding out about the two of us? Would I be able to handle that? My stomach twists into a painful knot, but I ignore it. This isn’t about me, but Sel.
“Nothing. It has nothing to do with them. They’re homophobic scumbags,” I hiss. “Did you go to management? The police?”
Sel shakes his head.
“I took a pictures for my records and gave them to Miki; he handled it with management from there. I couldn’t prove who did it and I didn’t get any acknowledgement or apology.
Miki told them we’d go to the press if they didn’t let me out of my contract and I got my trade.
He still wants me to go public and sue the team, but I can’t deal with it.
I wanted to see what happened here in New York first. Maybe next year, I’ll be ready to face it. ”
“Baby, I’m so, so sorry you went through this. When the time’s right, you’ll know what to do, whether that’s going public or keeping it private. It’s your choice. But I’m glad you told me.”
“Me too,” he sighs.
I clutch him even tighter, trying my best to give him comfort and safety. Eventually, Sel leans back, his eyes bloodshot and sad. I’m about to lose it, so I swipe at the tears on his cheeks and kiss him softly.
“I still don’t know how I’m going to handle this upcoming game,” he confesses.
“Yes you do,” I insist. “You’re Sel Kirkland. You’re resilient, one of the most talented guys in the league, and you won’t let those fuckers mess with your head. I’m gonna be right there with you. And you know everyone on our team has your back.”
Sel nods.
“Except Brady and St. Clare,” he mutters. “But who gives a shit about them.”
“Exactly,” I add. “We’re going to kick Chicago’s ass so bad they’ll be afraid to come back.”
Finally, he lets out a small smile.
“Does anyone else know this fierce side of you, Finn?”
I’m about to say, “Only the ones I love,” but I stop myself.
“Only a special few.”