Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
TYLER
My fingers drum an incessant rhythm against the steering wheel as I drive us into Salem. I’m not nervous exactly, but there is this unfamiliar knot in my stomach.
Hope, maybe?
After Colby dropped to his knees and made me see stars, we lay in his bed, him tucked up against my chest while he talked about the open mic night.
There was excitement in his voice, and when I closed my eyes last night, for the first time in twenty-two years, I allowed myself to let my mind wander.
I let myself imagine what my life could look like if I told my dad I wasn’t going to work for him.
Colby and I could get an apartment in whatever city selected him in the draft. Maybe I could find a bar to work in that doubled as a music venue, and I could perform in front of people every month, or even every week.
I could go home to Colby and fall asleep with him in my arms every day.
I know we would still need to be careful about our relationship until Colby felt safe to come out, but I’d be there with him, supporting him through the ups and downs of his career.
Being there for him, as he’s become my entire world.
Pulling my car into the parking lot, I kill the engine and turn to face Colby. He’s watching me with an expectant look on his face.
“What?” I ask with a coy smile.
“Nothing, I’m just excited to see you play again.”
I glance around the underground parking lot, scanning the cars to see if there’s anyone inside who could see us. When I realize it’s empty, I lean over the center console, cupping his jaw with my hand, and kiss him.
He sighs happily, melting under my touch like butter.
I drag my teeth over his bottom lip before sitting back in my seat and glancing out of the windshield.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I admit with a small shake of my head, then return my gaze to him, his eyes hazy with lust. “Thank you.”
“What for?”
“Believing in me.” I bite on the inside of my lip. “Encouraging me to be brave, when I’ve spent my entire life following the path set for me by other people. It’s like you’ve come into my life and handed me a torch, allowing me to see that I don’t need to stay on this road if I don’t want to.”
Colby reaches across to take my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.
“I just want you to be happy, Ty. You make me so fucking happy, and I want to be able to give that back to you. Even if music isn’t something you want to pursue, I’ll be there for you, supporting you every step of the way.”
My eyes burn at the sincerity of his words. The weight they carry.
Nobody can predict what the future has in store for us, and while I know that my decision could potentially destroy my relationship with my dad, I don’t feel afraid knowing I have Colby by my side.
And that fills me with so much hope, anything is possible.
I grab my guitar case from the back seat, and we walk along the cobblestones toward the bar. The sky turns a deep purple as the sun sets, and I yearn for the day I can take Colby’s hand.
There’s a pride flag hanging outside of the bar, and something eases inside me, like a spring uncoiling in my stomach.
“Are you ready?” Colby asks, snapping my attention from the flag to him.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I chuckle softly and push open the door.
The sound of chatter blankets us as we step inside.
It isn’t busy to the point you’re unable to move, but almost every table is occupied.
There’s an energy about the place that is instantly calming.
Framed photos line the dark walls on one side, with bunting displaying every flag hanging above.
There are rich woods and exposed brick, with the chairs and sofas adding pops of color, and the overhead lighting gives a warm glow, making it almost feel like a speakeasy.
There are people onstage at the far end of the room, preparing for the first act of the night.
A rush of anticipation courses through my veins.
I can do this. I’m excited to do this.
Once we reach the bar, I check in with the bartender and put my name down before glancing over at Colby. His eyes are scanning the room, and you’d have to know him as well as I do to notice his shoulders are somewhat tight.
No one is paying us any attention. They’re all caught up in their own conversations, too busy laughing and smiling at one another in a way that has warmth spreading through my chest, but Colby has spent most of his life under the watchful eyes of others, so it’s only natural for him to be alert.
Placing a hand on his hip, I lean in closer to ask, “Would you like a drink?”
His head whips toward me. He blinks a few times, like he was lost in his own thoughts, before nodding. “Yeah, please. Just a soda or something will be fine.”
I dig my fingers into his hip in a small act of reassurance before flagging down the bartender again. I order two sodas, not wanting to drink as I’m driving, but also because I want a clear head when I go onstage.
I want this night to go well. I know it’s not going to change my life in the grand scheme of things, but I desperately want to feel the rush I used to get when I performed in school.
I want it to give me the spark I need that will light the fire under my ass to tell my dad I don’t want to work for him.
After paying for our drinks and ordering some loaded fries and wings to share, I tip my chin in the direction of an empty high-top table on the other end of the bar. I set my guitar down against the wall and rest an elbow on the table.
“When do you go on?” Colby asks, motioning to the stage, where someone is setting up a drum set.
“Eighth.”
Colby nods, glancing down at his soda as he runs his thumb over the condensation forming on the glass. The sudden turn in his energy has the hairs sticking up on the back of my neck.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
His eyes flick back up to mine, and that’s when I see it. He isn’t uncomfortable or anxious—he’s sad.
I rest both forearms on the table, bringing me closer to him. Lowering my voice, I ask, “What is it?”
His throat moves as he swallows.
“I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until now,” he says, voice thick with emotion. “Seeing these people be so free and comfortable to just be themselves… It makes me wish I wasn’t so afraid of what being myself will do to my career.”
My heart lurches, a deep-rooted ache that has a lump forming in my throat. I bite down on the inside of my lip, willing the burn in the back of my eyes to ease.
Reaching out, I place my hand on his forearm. “One day,” I promise, offering a hopeful smile. “One day, we’ll come back here, and you’ll get to kiss me before I get up on that stage in front of all of these people, knowing that you’re safe and loved by so many.”
Colby ducks his chin and tightens his hands around his glass as his bottom lip quivers slightly.
“I’m sorry for bringing it up. I didn’t want to ruin tonight.”
“Hey,” I say, nudging his arm until he looks back up at me.
“You’re not ruining it, so quit thinking that.
I get it, Colbs. I get your fears, and I’m never going to ask you to do something you’re not ready for.
If we have to keep us a secret until you retire, then I will do that.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, so please don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? ”
Sucking in a shaky breath, he nods a few times, then gives me a small smile. “I promise I won’t keep you waiting that long, but thank you.”
One corner of my mouth lifts in a crooked smile as I take my hand from his arm and pick up my glass.
“Good, because how else am I going to be able to declare my love for you on a sign during warm-ups?” I tease.
His face lights up as he laughs, eyes creasing with his wide smile, and the sight has warmth flooding through my chest.
Colby deserves everything good and pure in this world, and I want to be the guy who gives it to him.
We eat our food in record time, and when the lights are dimmed and the first person takes to the stage, Colby moves around the table to stand next to me. We watch each act, one different from the next, and as my turn nears, nerves bubble in my stomach.
The song I’ve picked to play is one that could be a reflection of us.
There are many ways lyrics of a song can be interpreted, but to me, it’s about hiding our love from the world, and the pain and fear that comes with having to keep your true self locked away.
The longing for one another and the willingness to sacrifice everything just to be with the person you love.
I haven’t told him what song it is, but I’m hoping he’ll hear my message loud and clear and know I’m singing every word from my heart.
When the seventh person leaves the stage, I pick up my soda with shaky fingers and swallow down the last mouthful, then take a deep, steadying breath.
“You’re gonna smash it,” Colby says with a hand on my lower back.
“Thanks,” I reply, hating the tremble in my voice.
Removing my guitar from the case, I take my hat off, leaving it on the table before heading over to the side of the stage where some guy called Paul hooks me up to the speakers.
“Give Derek the nod when you’re ready,” he says, pointing to the drummer, then claps a hand on my shoulder. “You’ve got this. You’ve picked one helluva song.”
I let out a heavy exhale and nod. “Thanks.”
A woman with blue hair steps onto the stage and announces into the mic, “Next to the stage, please give a warm welcome to Tyler!”
Shaking my hands out by my sides, I suck in another steeling breath and walk out onto the stage to the sound of people clapping.
The lights aren’t as bright as I was expecting them to be, and my eyes instantly find Colby. He’s grinning widely, his hands pressed together in a prayer in front of his mouth.
My smile is crooked as I glance down and strum the strings with my pick. Closing my eyes briefly, I channel the same focus I have when I take to the ice before a game, then look over to Derek and give him a nod.
Turning back to the front, I play the opening chords of “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls.
Derek and the resident bassist and guitarist play along with me as I begin to sing. I keep my eyes closed, and Colby’s face flickers through my mind like a movie.
From the moment on the steps where he confessed to being lonely, to the time in the gym when he asked me to take his virginity.
The first time I tasted his lips, to the expression on his face when we have sex.
Each moment we’ve shared adds layers to the emotion in my voice, and when I finally open my eyes to look over at him, there’s no missing the tears shining in those hazel eyes I love so much.
Fuck, I love him. There’s no denying it.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see people sway in their seats, some embracing each other lovingly, but I can’t tear my eyes off him.
Because he’s all I can see. No matter where we are, my heart and soul will always call for him.
As I play the final few notes, everyone in the bar gets to their feet. A thunderous applause fills the room. There are a few whistles, and a choked laugh escapes me on a breath as I take it all in.
Holy shit, I did it. And I loved every fucking minute of it.
Unable to wipe the smile from my face, I take a small bow, then turn to shake hands with the resident musicians behind me.
“You are a natural,” the bassist says, taking my hand in both of hers. “You need to come back every week because that was amazing.”
My face heats under her praise.
“Wow, thanks, I appreciate it.”
Derek rounds his drum set to slap my back. “Fucking incredible, Tyler. That was awesome.”
Pushing my hair from my face, I walk back toward Colby wearing a bashful smile. People stop me to let me know how much they enjoyed it, and one woman has tears in her eyes as she squeezes my bicep.
By the time I make it back to Colby, the back of my eyes prickles with unshed tears. I can’t believe I did it, and it’s all because of him.
Colby believed in me when nobody else did, encouraged me to take the risk, and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay him.
I place my guitar down against the wall, and the second my hands are free, Colby throws his arms around me. I wrap mine around him tightly, holding him close as he hides his face in my neck.
His back trembles slightly under my hands, and I smooth my palms over him in small circles. I quickly scan the bar to see if anyone is looking at us, but they’re all focused on the next person taking to the stage.
Feeling safe in our small corner of the bar, I duck my head, press my face into his hair, and allow a tear to fall down my cheek.
I don’t know why I’m so fucking emotional, but I feel raw.
I allowed myself to be vulnerable, in a room full of strangers, and it felt freeing. Like stepping onto that stage has breathed new life into me.
After I press a kiss to Colby’s head, he steps out of my hold and wipes his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Fuck you,” he says with a wet laugh. “You weren’t supposed to make me cry, asshole.”
I grin so wide, my cheeks ache. “I’m sorry.”
Smiling, he rolls his eyes and huffs out a breath as he turns back toward the table and takes a sip of his soda.
“You were amazing, by the way.” He flicks his gaze to me, his eyes still shining brightly under the low lighting of the bar. “I could watch you all night.”
“Thank you,” I say, smiling softly.
“What for?”
“Bringing me here. Suggesting this. I just…” I shake my head, still in disbelief that I’ve just performed onstage in front of this entire place. “I never would’ve done it if it weren’t for you, so thank you.”
Colby doesn’t say anything, but I can feel his stare on the side of my head as I watch the person onstage with a ukulele.
I came into this agreement to help Colby explore his sexual identity safely, but as we were doing all of that, it seems he has helped me find myself.
I’m graduating from Whilton U in two days, and while my future looks uncertain in terms of my career, it’s clear now what I need to do.