Chapter 7
Seven
Ayla
"What exactly are you wanting to do?" Rymar asked me.
Immediately, my face started heating up. I knew this was okay to talk about, but my skin still did stupid things. Blushing was the worst, in my opinion, so I pulled my knees up under me and looked closely at the blanket that covered his bed.
"You said Dragons are friends, and then if they like each other, they start dating. Kanik said he likes me, and he made it clear he doesn't want to get married and that it was okay to kiss him."
"Okay?" Rymar asked, nodding slowly as if he was still lost.
Which made me grunt in frustration. "Saveah says it's okay to kiss people, and it isn't leading them on, and you let me practice - although I don't remember very much of that."
"All true," he assured me.
I pushed out a heavy breath. He just wasn't getting it, and I didn't really know how to talk about it. Still, when all else failed, rambling worked. They'd assured me it was okay, so I was going to try it.
"Zasen kissed me, and then I kissed you for practice, and when Kanik was going to live, I kissed him because it's okay."
Rymar's brows creased. "Right?"
"So when is it dating?" I huffed. "Rymar, I don't know how this works, and what's included.
I... It's nice. Kissing doesn't hurt. I think I like it, but I haven't really had many kisses, and Moles don't exactly do that, but up here, it feels good, and I still feel safe, and I'm on birth control now - never mind that I have my own krael! "
"Wait, wait, wait..." he begged. "Ayla, I'm still trying to figure out what it is you're trying to do."
"Date!"
"Who?"
"Zasen, and you, and Kanik." Wasn't that obvious? They were the ones I'd kissed!
And slowly, his confusion shifted into an expression of amusement. "Right. You want to date all three of us?"
"But aren't we already? I kissed all of you."
"That is not how it works," he assured me. "Ayla, kissing is just kissing. Fucking is just fucking. Relationships? Those are about the emotions and trust and even the expectations people have. Those things can go together, or not."
"I don't understand," I admitted.
So he opened his arm, encouraging me to come closer. When I did, he curled me up in that nook between his arm and chest, right beside his shoulder. His hand went around my back, resting easily on my waist. His tail, however, was twitching where it laid beside Holly.
"Okay," he said, sounding like this was going to be a long discussion.
"Ayla, you're allowed to kiss people just because you want to.
You can try it out with no obligations for anything more.
Sex too. I know that isn't how things were done down there, and I know you say you don't want that, but you are allowed.
Your body is yours, not anyone else's, and you can do with it what you choose. "
"Okay?" They'd been telling me versions of this for a while now, but it was all finally starting to make sense and not feel like a lie.
Rymar watched my face, clearly seeing something there that made him smile.
"And," he went on, "dating is different.
It's like a practice relationship. Dating is an attempt to see if you want to make a friendship - or lust - into a bond.
Believe it or not, partners can care about each other more than you loved your mother. "
"Like how I love Holly?" I asked.
And his lips cracked into a grin. "Yeah, I think that's a perfect example.
You have a bond with her. She's someone you trust, and you know how she's going to react, and you would miss her if she wasn't always around.
I bet you even miss her when you're down there with Kanik, but it's okay to be apart like that because she knows you'll come back, and you know she'll still love you just as much, right? "
I nodded excitedly. "Yes! That's exactly how I feel about her."
"Now imagine if you felt like that about a man," he said.
And I paused, actually trying to imagine it. "Isn't that called friends?" I asked.
"I'm talking about more than friends," he said.
"Ayla, that's why we call it partners. Just like Holly is your partner when we fight the Moles, a romantic partner is someone who fights with you against the daily things.
Cleaning, cooking, bills, people who annoy you, times when you're sad, and so much more.
That's the relationship part. Kissing? Sex?
Those things are just icing on the cake. "
"What's icing?"
And he laughed. "Right. Desserts are something we need to do more. Let's go with 'extra,' okay?"
"I still don't understand," I admitted. "Rymar, I don't know why I'd want sex."
"Because it feels amazing," he promised, lifting a hand to keep me from cutting him off.
"It does, Ayla. There's something called an orgasm that happens if you do it with someone good.
That's a rush of pleasure which takes over.
Most people like it. Not all, but most. And you know what?
It's okay to not want sex. It's okay to change your mind later.
It's fine to think about it, but dating?
That's how you test whether you can have an emotional bond with someone. "
"So how do I do it?" I asked. "I want to try, but up here is not like down there. I'm already twenty, and I really don't want to wait until my next birthday."
"For what?" he asked.
"For that week," I said, waving it away. "That's how Moles do it. A girl turns twenty, and then a man can propose. But marriage is nothing like dating, and I don't want to get married, but I have no clue how to make it clear I want to."
His pretty turquoise eyes narrowed. "Who is it you're wanting to ask?"
"Huh?"
"Which one of us do you want to date, Ayla?"
"Well, all of you." I'd already told him that!
"I like kissing, and I want to have the chance to see if I like Kanik that way, because I think I do, but I think I like Zasen that way too, and you're such a good friend, and I was okay with you naked.
Saveah said I don't have to pick, and that's good, because I couldn't! I like you for being understanding, and Kanik for being kind, and Zasen for making me feel like I'm his equal.
I like that you all kiss different, and even trying just makes me feel.
..." I paused there, unsure of what came next.
"Excited?" he offered.
"And beautiful, and safe, and yes, excited too.
" But a sigh slipped out. "I just don't know how to start it.
I mean, with Kanik coming back? I... It's..." I grunted, hating how hard it was to talk about all of this.
"Rymar, I don't want to wish I'd done it and spend the rest of my life knowing I was too scared. "
"You," he assured me, "are not scared. You're careful."
"But that doesn't tell me how to date!" I insisted. "That's what I'm trying to figure out. All of you just know, but I don't!"
He chuckled. "Ayla, you're allowed to ask."
"Just..." I shook my head, trying to make that make sense. "I can just ask someone if they want to date?"
"Specifically someone. You know, like me? You'd say, 'Hey, Rymar, can we start dating?' Then I have the right to pick and choose."
"And a man wouldn't be offended?"
He glanced away, but a little sound still came out before he could stop it. "Ayla, I guarantee a man would not be offended."
"Oh." I nodded, liking that idea. "Because in the compound, if a woman did that, she'd be considered too forward.
A harlot, even. Maybe a jezebel? I'm not quite sure of the difference, but we were warned not to become such a thing.
Our job was to wait - always to wait - until a man decided we could be useful. "
"Up here," he reminded me, "relationships are all about emotion, not what one person gets from another. It's about caring, Ayla." And he lifted his arm from my waist to rub my bicep on that side. "But how would you feel to go from being just friends with the three of us to dating?"
"What's the difference?"
"Kissing," he said. "Probably some touching."
"What kind of touching?"
He rubbed my arm again. "Like this. Like Kanik holding your hand. Like Zasen standing too close to you."
"But I like that kind, and you're already doing it," I pointed out.
"Mhm," he agreed. "So here's something for you to think about." His tail flicked, waking Holly. He quickly stilled it again. "What happens if you kiss someone and don't have to stop? What if he gets too excited and thinks maybe it's okay to do more?"
"I'd shove him away!"
And he smiled. "Good answer."
"Unless I changed my mind," I added quickly. "Because I said kissing was bad, and then I changed my mind. So what if I decide I want to try sex? Lessa said I would."
"Lessa could be wrong," he countered. "Ayla, she also called you a Mole and thought you were stealing Zasen from her."
"Am I?"
"She's moved on," he assured me. "Plus, Zasen has the right to make his own decisions."
I nodded, taking that in. "Okay. But what if I do?"
"Do?"
"Decide to try sex!" I huffed, because he just wasn't keeping up. "How does that work?"
"Kinda depends on who you're dating."
Letting out a groan, I rolled my eyes. "I'm talking about with you three!"
The way his lips curled, stilled, pressed together, and the corners still crept up? I knew I'd said something wrong there, but the funny sort, not the stupid kind. He was trying hard to keep from making me feel bad. It was part of the reason why I wanted to know how to do this.
Rymar was amazing. He was such a good friend.
I had no doubt I could trust him, but the same was true for all of them.
Zasen pushed me, but he made it clear that saying no would make him stop and back off.
He'd proved it to me a few times! And Kanik?
He was handsome, and gentle, and everything I thought a man couldn't be.
"Well," Rymar said when he had his mouth under control, "I can promise you that if you want to try sex with any of us, we wouldn't mind. We also wouldn't hurt you. More than that, if you changed your mind in the middle? We'd stop, Ayla."
That. I couldn't even explain what it was he'd said, but I felt it.
The safety of knowing I had that much control?
It made me willing to even try this. And yes, Zasen had been right.
It was a lot easier to say no than to try something as terrifying as this, but I was done with being scared.
I was tired of feeling like I was missing out on something while also worrying about surviving it.
All my life, I'd believed men were my enemy.
They would hurt me. They'd be the cause of my death.
Up here, that was not the case. But it was more than that.
It was these three! They'd been so gentle and understanding with me.
They'd convinced me I really did want more, and the number of times I'd lain in bed, waiting to find sleep, and found myself thinking about their kisses?
I was going to be brave.
"So when can I ask?" I wanted to know next.
"Think about it for a bit," Rymar told me. "I just gave you a lot of information, and I'm pretty sure Holly's asleep."
"Because you tired her out with the ball."
He grinned. "Yep. But you know how I'm a good friend?"
I nodded quickly. It was why I felt like I could ask this.
"Well, I'm going to do you a favor," he said. "You want to know how to date? Well, there's a thing we Dragons do. We feel it out, so I'm going to check and see if Zasen and Kanik would be interested in a relationship like that."
"What do I do if they aren't?"
"Then," he told me, "you decide what you can handle. Not dating all of us, not dating some of us, not dating one of us, or not dating at all. You need to know that part, Ayla, because men are allowed to say no too."
"Yeah," I breathed. "That's the part that makes it so terrifying."
"Yes, it really is."