Chapter 8
Eight
Rymar
While Ayla had talked to me about dating, I'd done my best to make sure she was ready for this.
That she'd even asked about it proved just how far she'd come, but I still had my one little rule.
In order for her to say yes, she had to understand that saying no was an option.
Not a requirement, nor an expectation, but a real and viable option.
And she'd accidentally made that clear tonight.
Once her side of the second floor grew quiet, I got up.
It was late, but not excessively so, and I knew Zasen kept weird hours.
So, making sure I didn't make too much noise, I carefully crept downstairs.
Not surprisingly, my best friend was sitting in the living room with a book before him. He was also looking at me.
"Thought you were asleep already," he said when I made my way to the other chair and sat.
"Nope. I had a little chat with Ayla."
He rocked his head, accepting that. "I think she's still worried about Kanik."
I murmured under my breath. "Yes and no. She gets that he's going to be okay, but she's still trying to deal with how she felt when she realized there's a real chance one of us might not make it back."
"Makes sense," he agreed.
"And," I went on, "it seems she's decided she likes kissing."
Zasen lifted a brow. "Okay? I mean, her kissing Kanik in front of us was a big step."
"No shit," I mumbled. "I didn't expect her to do that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm proud of her."
"But shocked," Zasen agreed. "Granted, it sounds like you did a good job convincing her it wasn't terrifying." The man smirked at me as he said it.
I grunted, making it clear I wasn't amused. "She asked. She wanted to know how - "
"Nope," Zasen said. "I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about the part where you got that woman drunk, let her get wild, and proved she'd be just as virginal and confused the next day. Then, when she lashed out, you drove the point home: she's safe with us."
My eyes jumped over to the far wall. He was right. I knew he was, but I'd spent too long trying to downplay my feelings for that girl and it had become a habit. Unfortunately, that made this next part harder.
"So..." I dragged the word out while I thought how to bring this up. "Tonight, Ayla asked me about dating."
He stilled. "What do you mean?"
"It seems our little Phoenix is interested in dating now," I tried to explain.
"She wanted to know how to start. She also really hated the idea of picking.
When I pointed out that she had to ask, she was confused.
More than that, she hated the idea she could ask and a man can still say no, so I told her to think about it.
To decide what she'd do if the people she's interested in aren't all feeling the same way. "
"Who?" Zasen asked.
"Us."
He flinched back slightly, as if that surprised him. "Which 'us' are you talking about?"
"Kanik," I said, "and you, and apparently me."
And the asshole smiled again. "Oh, so you're not just a friend anymore?"
"I dunno," I said. "Zasen, I can't see how this could work."
Leaning forward, he set his book down, clearly giving up on it. "Which part, Ry?"
"Me!" I insisted. "Kanik knows how I feel about him, and putting Ayla in the middle of us? That changes everything."
"Not that much."
"And," I went on, refusing to let him get me sidetracked, "I don't think she understands what she's really asking. Ayla likes kissing. She likes holding hands and hugging. Fuck, that girl loves hugs. She also likes to curl up beside me - "
"Which is more proof you're not just a friend," he taunted.
"Yeah, but Kanik - "
And he thumped his tail on the floor hard enough to make me stop. "I don't give a shit about Kanik right now," Zasen hissed. "Rymar, the first step to figuring this out? Are. You. Into. Her?"
I froze. Every single muscle in my body paused, holding me as still as a statue, and I didn't want to break it. I didn't want to have to say the next words. I did not want to prove myself wrong.
"I wanted to be her friend," I finally said, letting my body relax again.
"And I wanted to treat her like the enemy," Zasen countered. "Neither changes that she's a beautiful girl."
"She is," I agreed.
"And nice," he added.
I huffed at him, because I could see what he was doing. "And brilliant, and brave. I know, Zasen. I also told her we're only friends, and I do not want to betray that trust."
"I don't think you are," he assured me. "To Ayla, emotions come with friendship first. She's not driven by lust. Fuck, she's scared of it!"
"Exactly!"
"Which means," he continued, "that she trusts you. That she wants to touch those pretty yellow scales of yours some more."
"And that she has no clue what a relationship even is," I reminded him.
"Look, Ayla likes friends with benefits.
Maybe her version is a lot less intimate than we're used to, but it's all she has to judge by.
So what happens if I do this, she realizes she's in too deep, and she doesn't have anyone she can talk to about it? "
"Across the street," he said, "is her sister. A short walk. In her bed is a weapon neither of us can stop: her dog. She has a bow, and blades, and plenty of forks in this house. Trust me, if she wants you to stop, she'll find a way."
I chuckled at the mention of forks, but it actually made me feel better. Ayla had managed to save herself with little more than a utensil, so this? Well, I would never take advantage of her. Then again, that wasn't my fear.
"What if dating her screws up our friendship?" I asked.
And my best friend leaned back with a pleased look on his face. "That question? Ry, it means you really like her. I've only heard you worry about someone like that once before." And he flicked a finger at his own bedroom where Kanik was resting. "He managed to make it work. I think Ayla will too."
"Maybe you two should date her. I can stay the friend."
His tail flicked again, the bright blue end impossible to miss.
"So, what I'm hearing is you like this girl enough you're worried about it not working out.
You have already convinced yourself you're not good enough for her?
I'm guessing at that part. You're also looking for every excuse possible to not even try.
Rymar, why? And before you answer, think hard about it. "
"I just told you!" I snapped.
"No, you told me what you think you should say.
What I'm hearing is you care enough about this woman to want to get it right.
Qavan was just a fuck, right? Lessa was scratching an itch.
I can't count how many others you've been willing to take a chance with, but was it always because you didn't care about whether it worked or not?
Because you do care about this. You care about that woman, and I think it scares the shit out of you - which means this just might work. "
"Oh, fuck off," I grumbled. "Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe Kanik's part of the problem? If she's with him, and with me, and any lines are crossed..."
"Like her kissing him in front of us?" Zasen asked a little too smugly. "Like the little chat you had with her after taking her naked-swimming?"
"Fuck off," I said again.
Which made him grin. "Yeah. And you know there's an easy way to deal with this, right?"
I wasn't sure what he meant this time. "Okay?"
Standing, he gestured for me to follow. I pushed out a heavy sigh, wondering what the hell he was going to show me this time. Zasen had a way of hammering his point home, so when he turned up the hall, I didn't think anything of it. In truth, I expected him to head upstairs.
Instead, he opened the door to his own room. The one Kanik was in.
"Hey, you awake?" he asked.
"Yep," Kanik said, turning up the wick to make the room brighter as we headed in.
"Sit," Zasen told me, pointing to the side. He moved to the wall with the closet, then leaned against it. "Kanik, Rymar has a question."
"I do?" I asked.
"Mhm," he said. "He wants to know if you'd have a problem with both him and you being in a relationship with the same woman. Yes, I mean Ayla."
Kanik scoffed. "No. Why?"
Zasen simply looked at me and lifted a brow. "Now's when you explain this to him."
"Asshole," I grumbled before turning to Kanik. "So, Ayla asked me how to start dating. I've talked to her about the concept, but it seems to be so different from what she knows that a few of the basic things trip her up. Mainly, how to ask."
"Ask what?" Kanik wanted to know.
"Ask someone," Zasen guessed.
"Or that she even can," I explained. "Mole women wait to be asked." And he ducked his head, telling the floor, "She may have also mentioned that she wants to date the three of us, and that she feels safe enough to do it, and I'm pretty sure she's serious."
"Wow," Kanik said. "Okay, does she realize what dating entails?"
"I explained it," I promised. "I may have emphasized emotions over intimacy, though."
"But I'd expect intimacy too," Kanik pointed out.
"Not sex," Zasen said.
The look Kanik gave him was withering. "Believe it or not, Zasen, there are many forms of intimacy that don't involve your dick. Cuddling, holding hands, and so on."
"Which is what she wants," I hurried to say before they could start bickering. "But guys? She made it clear she can't pick between us. I make her feel understood, Kanik is nice, and Zasen makes her feel brave. Well, she said it a little differently, but that's what she was getting at."
Kanik chuckled. "Brave? Good job, Zasen."
He sighed.
So I hurried to point out, "To Ayla, brave is a good thing. It's freedom. It's a sensation she's never had before, and I'm sure it's just as important as kindness and safety."
"It's putting control back in her hands," Zasen said.
"And that's what I've been trying to do.
We've always known the three of us are different.
Shit, everyone points it out. The thing we've never stopped to consider is that maybe those differences might make us a perfect whole for a woman like her. "
"Ayla?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yeah. Brains, brawn, and charm - all wrapped up in a safe package. All with checks and balances she can count on to keep her from being hurt by a man."
"Shit," Kanik breathed. "No, that's a good point. And before this spirals into some attempt to persuade me, I'm in."
"With Rymar?" Zasen asked him.
I groaned. "Thanks. No, really."
But Kanik chuckled. "The part you two dumb-asses can't wrap your minds around? None of us will be fucking anything but our hands. Me? I'm still in. That doesn't bother me at all. Rymar's not used to going a week without someone willing to suck him off."
"That isn't the same as wanting it!" I snapped.
"Is that what you two can't get your heads around?
I don't serial date because I want to! I do it because they get sick of me.
Because I'm not the man they want me to be.
Those people I fuck? Yeah, they want the man with bright colors, or the rich one, or the deputy mayor. They don't want me!"
"And Ayla does," Zasen realized. "She doesn't even understand that stuff. All she knows is that you are her friend." He groaned. "Fuck, okay. That makes more sense."
"That's what I've been trying to say," I told him. Then I looked at Kanik. "And this is one line I can't cross over and then pretend never happened. With her?"
"You'll fall in love," Kanik said before I could finish.
But that? It hit me in the face like a bucket of cold water. That was my problem. It was the fear I'd been shying away from with her. She saw me. Not my money, my color, my looks, my job, or any of that shallow crap. She saw the man only my two closest friends knew.
"Yeah," I breathed, nodding to show I wasn't denying it.
"There's one single thing I'm worried about," Zasen said. "No, two."
"Okay?" Kanik asked.
"Well," Zasen said, "the three of us have been acting like her partners for a while now, so I don't think that's an issue.
What I'm worried about is you, Kanik. Or more accurately, if this is because she thought she'd lost you, and now she's thinking this is her way to keep from feeling grief again. "
"And the Moles are coming back," he realized.
Zasen nodded. "Yep."
"What else?" I asked, because I was pretty sure I could handle his first problem easily.
So he looked over at me and smiled. "I don't think she should ask us.
You need to figure out a way to put her off until after the next battle.
Make her think about it. Tell her the timing is bad.
I don't care, Rymar, but put her off, because if this happens, the only way we'll know if she's really ready? "
"Is?" Kanik asked when Zasen paused for too long.
"We need to ask her," he said. "All three of us, together - and I think we need to give her a token."
"That's too close to marriage," I told him, hating this idea.
"Exactly," he agreed. "Because if she's really ready, she'll know this isn't marriage. She'll ask questions, stutter, and probably blush. But if she's ready for a relationship with the three men she's living with, then I want us to get her a token."
"A token means it's serious," Kanik pointed out. "That's a big step for her."
"And she doesn't know that," Zasen said. Then he scrubbed at his mouth with one hand. "And yeah. I think this is serious. I think all three of us are taking this very seriously, so why fuck around, right?" And they both looked at me.
I could feel their eyes. I knew what they expected me to say, but I couldn't. Instead, my breath rushed out and I decided to lay it all out there.
"The way I feel about that woman? I've only ever felt like this once before." I had to swallow to keep going. "I'm just scared that if this doesn't work, it's going to hurt too much."
"This," Zasen told me, "is how you fight for someone, Ry. You take the risk. It might hurt, but if it's still worth the risk, then you know it's the right thing."
I heard him. Not just audibly, but those words?
They pierced straight through all my insecurities.
The same ones I did my best to hide. The ones these two knew anyway, and never rubbed in my face.
I had never been a fighter. That wasn't my style, but it didn't mean I couldn't. And Ayla, she was worth risking everything for.
So I nodded. "Get that woman the best token you can, Zasen. She deserves nothing less."