Chapter 12
Twelve
Meri
Iheard the door click. Sucking in a breath, I pulled myself awake and forced my eyes to open. There, walking quietly around the foot of my borrowed bed, was Lessa. Her tawny tail was down, her hair was up, and her clothes were just as vibrant as always.
A smile found my lips as I rolled onto my back and scooted higher onto the pillows. "Hello, Lessa," I said, the words coming out mumbled.
"Hey, Meri," she cooed back, moving to my side so she could crouch down. That put us face to face. "How are you feeling?"
"Always tired," I admitted.
"Because you've been burning fumes for a few months now," she said. "But Omden says you're healing nicely."
I murmured, pushing myself up a little more so I was truly sitting. Then I smoothed the blankets over my lap, aware I was wearing that old shirt of Drozel's again. It was soft, and I liked it, but this wasn't proper sleep clothing.
"Omden's doing laundry," I explained. "I only have the one night dress now. The other one is too big."
"So does this mean I need to make you a few more?" she asked.
And the way she smiled at me? It was beautiful.
I wasn't sure if that was because everything about her was golden, or maybe it was simply the way her eyes hung on me as if she actually saw me.
Not the person I was supposed to be, or expected to be, or forced to be.
This woman saw me the same way Ayla and Callah had.
But it didn't feel the same.
Lessa made me want to smile and look away.
She made me laugh more than I had before.
I always got excited to see her, and I liked how she never judged me.
This was the woman who'd taught me how to ramble, and that sometimes saying the mean things out loud made it easier to figure out what was just a need to get it out, and what parts were the ones I really meant.
"I can make more soon," I told her. "I know you're busy. Omden said you've been behind on your orders."
"I have," she admitted. "Proves how much I need you back." Then she chuckled. "And do not start worrying about that. I'd much rather wait a few extra weeks to sew with you than have you hurt yourself to come help."
"But I don't have anything to do," I reminded her. And whined. Part of that was definitely a complaint.
"Lies," she teased. "Meri, healing is work. It sucks, and it's not a lot of fun, but it's your responsibility right now."
"I know," I admitted. "I am doing my best, but it's hard!"
"It is." And she reached over, taking my hand.
My heart immediately tripped over itself. A smile took over. I liked when she did that, but there was something I had to know.
"Are Brielle and Jeera still happy with the baby?"
Lessa murmured, pulled her hand away, and pushed herself higher. Just when I was sure I'd said the wrong thing, she tapped my hip, making me move over so she could sit on the bed beside my hip. She was turned to face me, and it looked a lot more comfortable than before.
"Meri, they're thrilled with him." Then she sucked in a little breath. "Oh, and he has a name!"
"What?" I asked, dreading hearing something that didn't suit him.
"Cerlik."
My entire body relaxed, even my eyes, which slipped closed, and a sigh of relief fell out. "That's a good name."
"It's a Dragon name," she assured me. "And that little boy is something else. Sounds like he's keeping Brielle up all night, and - " She stopped hard. "Shit. Meri, do you even want to know this stuff?"
I hurried to nod. "I do! I'm honestly curious about him."
"Well," she said, "he's got a set of lungs on him.
Jeera said he can scream as loud as she can.
He eats good, taking his whole bottle every time.
He also has his days and nights all wrong, it sounds like.
Jeera can barely keep him awake before the sun goes down, but the moment it's dark outside, he's kicking and playing. "
"Our lights came on down there when it's night up here," I told her.
"Yeah, but I hear most babies get it wrong," she told me. "But they're so happy with him, Meri. They also sent a letter to Irrik, their boyfriend. Sounds like he's going to come visit just as soon as he can."
"I like Irrik," I admitted. "And the dog man."
"Yeah," she said. "They're good men. But you know that if you want to see the baby, you can, right?"
"No!" I gasped, shaking my head. "I don't want to see him, Lessa!"
"Then you don't have to," she promised. "I just want to make sure you know you can."
"Oh."
"Yeah," she breathed, taking my hand again. "Meri, those women said they'd like you to be in his life, but only if you're comfortable with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Like an aunt," she explained.
But I shook my head, not completely sure how that title worked.
"A close relative?" she tried next.
"We didn't do that either," I reminded her. "Children must be in the children's halls by the time we're ten. Most go before they're six. The only thing I knew about my relatives were which men I couldn't marry because we were too closely related."
She groaned. "Right. Well, we treat family as something important.
The same way you do Ayla, I think. An aunt would be a friend of their family who they can trust with the child.
Maybe watching him for a bit when they need a break, or maybe celebrating his accomplishments at school. That sort of thing."
"Like how Naomi treats you as her child too?"
"Just like that," Lessa agreed. "And you don't have to decide soon. They know it might be years before you're ready, but they both want you to know they'd be happy to include you if you want. But only if you want."
I bit my lips together, thinking about it.
Trying to imagine being around the child was hard, but always for the same reason.
Every time I thought of him getting older, my mind put Gideon's face on him.
The same brilliant boy who'd been so loud in our sermons.
The same teenage boy who'd smiled at me so brazenly.
The same man who'd hit me without any remorse.
"What do his eyes look like?" I asked softly.
"Blue," she said.
"But like mine? Or Ayla's? Do they have flecks in them of grey, or maybe green? Lessa, there's a lot of kinds of blue, and I want to know if he has Gideon's eyes!"
"They're baby blue," she told me. "The sort of strange blue infants get that makes me think they won't change to brown or green. They're blue, Meri, and the color they are now isn't going to be the same as when he's a toddler."
"But what if he looks like Gideon?" I asked.
Her other hand moved to slide across the top of the one of mine she held. "Why? What are you thinking, Meri? I know this is tied to something else, but you're not giving me enough to help you."
For a moment, I let myself enjoy the way her touch made me able to relax.
Then, "It's not his fault Gideon was his father, and I know that.
I also know that every time I saw Gideon, I flinched.
I was scared. I'd learned that being too close to him was bad, and I'd brace for the worst. What if I flinched and hurt him?
What if he scared me and I dropped him? It's not his fault! "
"Ah..." She kept rubbing. "So when you're ready to see him, you can do it with someone else holding him, and if you feel like that, we'll leave. How's that? Then you'll know."
"But not yet," I said.
"Then not yet," she agreed. "I was going to ask if you were sure you didn't want to try raising him, but I think that's pretty obvious."
"No, I'm happy they are." For a moment, I just watched her tan fingers sliding over my pale ones. "Lessa?"
"Hm?"
"It's not only that he may look like Gideon, you know. It's that I don't want to be his mother. I thought I'd married the man of my dreams, and then it all went wrong. Ayla came up here and got everything she dreamed of, but I didn't."
She broke in to ask, "What do you dream of?"
"Well, I used to dream of finding someone to love me, of being able to make him happy, and being the best wife in the entire compound, but that's stupid."
"It's really not."
Those words made my head snap up. "What?"
"There's nothing stupid about wanting to be loved," she explained. "Shit, Meri, I do that all the time. I've had a ton of lovers because I liked how it felt, and I knew they'd all disappoint me. So, I loved them long enough to enjoy it, and moved on when I didn't."
"I don't think I could do that."
"Why?"
The question made me chuckle at her. "Because my Vestrian isn't that good! I also want to do more than just be a wife."
"Like?"
"Like sew!" I said. "And Ayla mentioned something about learning about your medicine.
I think I'd like that too, but only to help.
I want to sew more. But that's the thing!
I'm not a mother now. I have the time, and the freedom, and the chance to actually think about it!
I won't have a daydream cut off because he's hungry again.
I won't spend all my time changing his diapers.
I finally get to have a real second chance. I just don't know what happens now."
"Well," she told me, "first you keep recovering.
Naomi will want to see you again to make sure everything healed right.
Maybe a couple of times. In truth, I don't know much about this part.
I do know that when the waiting period is over, you will be able to either take the baby back or sign the papers. "
"I can do that now!"
"No, you can't," she said. "It's a time period, Meri. You have to wait to give your body time to recover, to let your mind clear, and to let your initial reaction fade. That means you can't finalize the adoption until there's been a long enough gap for you to actually decide, not simply react."
"Oh." That wasn't what I wanted to hear. "How long is that?"
"I think it's like six or eight weeks," she said. "I didn't think to ask. Everyone just refers to it as the waiting period, but it's not too long. You'll be here, healing up and telling Omden what to do."
"Yeah," I agreed. "And he's so nice. Drozel's a little intimidating, but Omden makes him stop being loud and angry."
"And Omden likes having a friend around," she assured me. "Meri, you know they're a couple, right?"
"I do," I promised. "Just like Brielle and Jeera."
"Not quite," she said. "Both Brielle and Jeera like men and women. I do too. So does Drozel. But Omden? He only likes men that way. He doesn't want a wife, a girlfriend, or even to kiss a girl. To him, women are nothing more than friends."
"Really?" I asked.
She nodded. "It's called being gay, or homosexual. Some people are just born that way."
"But I thought you and Drozel were a thing too?"
"We're a thing," she agreed. "A fun thing, but it might end up as a boyfriend thing. I'm kinda hoping it will."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yep," she said. "See, not everyone wants to have a marriage, or just one partner. It's no different from a friendship. You had both Ayla and the other girl. Callah, right?"
"Yeah."
"And I'm going to guess it was easier to talk to Ayla about some things and Callah about different ones?"
"Oh yeah," I agreed. "Ayla's so stubborn, and Callah always thought things through. Ayla just acted."
"And partners are the same," Lessa said. "Drozel's with Omden because he's sweet and gentle and likes to think first. He's with me because I'm blunt and stubborn, and act first. For him, he gets both, and we're all happy with it."
"But not marriage," I said, showing I was keeping up.
"Right," she agreed. "And you? Meri, you're a very pretty girl, so while you sit there in this bed thinking about healing up, maybe consider if you want a husband one day, a wife, or just to have a partner like Drozel is with Omden.
The way I see it, that's part of your second chance too. And if you aren't sure, you know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"You can try it out and change your mind if you don't like it."
Which made me smile. "Yeah. I think that's my favorite thing about being here. It's finally not wrong to make a mistake."
"Exactly," she agreed.