Chapter 11
Eleven
Lessa
Icouldn't imagine Zasen settling down. I wanted to, but the image refused to form in my mind.
Rymar? Oh, he was a softie under all his charming smiles and sexiness.
Kanik? That boy had always been a romantic.
I'd always thought he'd be thrilled with a half-dozen kids and a few partners to help him raise them.
And yet, I'd assumed they would not end up together.
Rymar would get with some hot party-boy, a kid would happen by accident with some hookup they took home, and somehow it would all work out.
Kanik would end up with a librarian or something.
I didn't know, but some smart, quiet woman who doted on him. And Zasen?
He'd die fighting the Moles.
No, it wasn't fair, but that was what I'd expected to happen to them. My expectations had nothing to do with what I wanted for them, but I'd known those three guys long enough to understand their flaws as well as the good things about them. But Ayla? I hadn't seen her coming.
Or Meri.
And Zasen had said something that was now stuck in my head. Gay, straight, or polysexual - Meri wouldn't know any of them. Shit, she only understood two genders! Her view of the world had been too restricted for far too long, and I was the wrong person to help her with that, wasn't I?
Because the truth was, I liked the girl too much. Even pregnant, there had been something so beautiful about her. The contrast between her dark blue eyes and her silver-white hair made it hard to look away from her. The hourglass figure I knew she'd have soon? Yeah, I had a weakness for those.
My feet stalled out. There, in the middle of the market, Zasen's words slammed into place.
I didn't like that girl because she was beautiful.
I liked her because she was made of steel.
I liked her for more than her appearance, how amusing she was for the short term, and all the things I'd been attracted to in others.
I liked her just because I did.
And the problem was I didn't know how to deal with any of this.
My version of dating was telling someone I wanted to fuck them.
Most agreed. After that was when I worried about whether or not I wanted to talk to them.
I knew that was my trauma speaking, though.
I'd learned at an early age that people didn't stick around.
Not because they didn't want to, but because life simply didn't work like that.
I wanted Meri to stick around, though. Even if she had no romantic interest in women, I still wanted to spend time with her.
She was fun, underneath all the fear and insecurities that had been pounded into her with a fist. She was smart, and driven.
She was also the most considerate person I'd ever met.
Making my feet move again, I gave up on my impulsive shopping trip.
I didn't really need more fabric. What I'd been looking for was something to keep me occupied while Meri healed.
I refused to make her feel like she had to sit at that table and sew when her stomach had been cut open to get the child out.
I would not pressure her to spend time with me!
Ommy and Droz were taking very good care of her, and me? Well, I'd just mess that up.
But what if I didn't?
What if Zasen was correct and the right person made it easy to change?
Not that he'd said that, exactly, but it had been hanging between us as we'd talked.
He'd stopped trying to get himself killed and had started working toward stopping the Moles.
And me? I'd stopped hating everyone around me.
So why couldn't I use that to help Meri?
The walk back to my place felt like it simultaneously took no time and all the time in the world.
The whole way, my thoughts were spinning around themselves.
I liked Drozel. I really did. He was big, strong, and sexy.
Those were the reasons I'd thrown him into my bed. Omden had been the reason I came back.
No, not because I was into Omden, or he'd done anything.
He'd simply told me about Droz and all the adorable habits he had.
He'd gushed, making me realize that brute of a man might be deeper than I'd realized.
Curious, I'd asked Drozel to take me to dinner, and for the first time in far too long, I'd actually talked to him.
So when I was almost home and saw Omden in the side yard, hanging sheets on the clothesline between our houses, I didn't even hesitate. I headed straight for him, wondering how I could even bring this mess up in my head. Shit, I didn't even understand it myself.
"Hey, Lessa!" Omden called when he saw me.
I smiled at him and kept walking until I was close enough that I didn't need to yell. "Hey, Ommy. How is she?"
"Sleeping," he said. "I had her help me cook lunch, and as soon as she had some food in her, that girl's eyes started drooping."
I chuckled because that sounded about right. "Yeah. So how much do you hate babysitting her?"
He scoffed. "Lessa, I like the girl. She's nice. I'd also like to point out that she doesn't hate housework."
"Seriously?"
He nodded, those green scales of his reflecting gold in the sunlight. "She knows tricks for removing stains, and informed me that I was using the wrong type of cloth to dust. I was simply pushing it around, not picking it up - and she was right!"
"It's all she was allowed to do down there," I reminded him.
He shrugged that off. "Yeah, but she still likes quite a bit of it. She said laundry was relaxing - "
"You did not let her wash clothes, did you?" I gasped.
He grunted, making it clear he wasn't impressed. "Of course not. I pulled up a chair and had her talk while I did the washing." He clipped the end of the sheet on and turned to face me. "She was also mortified that I was going to scrub the blood from her underthings."
"She's still bleeding?"
He nodded. "Yeah, but this is normal. Naomi said it'll last a few weeks."
"Even though she had surgery for the birth?"
He chuckled. "Believe it or not, the tailless still bleed. It's the lining, and it's had nine months to build up."
Okay, that was a good point. "So how'd you get her over that?"
He flicked his tail. "I pointed out that I wash the shit-stains from Droz's pants, so hers are nothing to be ashamed of. He can control that."
"He doesn't," I groaned.
"No, he doesn't," Omden assured me. "But it worked. She immediately tried to defend him, and I turned it around to defend her, and she apologized a dozen times, but I got her panties and those compression bras of hers washed."
"Good," I said, shifting in place. "Um..."
"I know you didn't come over to ask how I got her to let me do laundry," he promised when my pause dragged on too long. "What do you want to know, Lessa?"
"I ran into Zasen at the market..."
"So you and Drozel are done?"
"No!" I hurried to assure him. "Actually, he was buying a token. One from all of them."
Omden sighed in relief. "Good. And it's about time those three admit what the rest of us have suspected."
"Yeah, but they haven't been anything but friends to her," I pointed out. "Ayla wasn't ready for that, just like Meri isn't."
"I'm not so sure that's true," he countered.
"Well, yeah, but her husband raped her, Ommy!"
"He did," he agreed. "She's also a lot stronger than people give her credit for. She's starting to realize that just because she married him doesn't mean she agreed to his abuse. She hates him for it, and she sees this as a second chance for her to get things right. See, Meri wants to - "
"Please don't say she's on some path to become strong?" I begged, thinking of Ayla.
"No," he said gently. "Lessa, she wants people around her who appreciate when she helps. She wants to be forgiven for making a mistake. She wants being a woman to be seen as a good thing, not a reason to despise her, hurt her, or throw her away."
"But we don't!"
"I know," he all but purred. "Lessa, she's nothing like Ayla.
Meri is sweet and soft. She's as girly as any girl I've met.
She's also kind. She likes being kind, and she wants to keep being kind.
She was so proud of being able to help in the hospital, and not because she was noticed, but rather because she made it easier on people. "
I pushed out a heavy breath. "Fuck, she's too good for me."
"She's a nice balance to you," he corrected.
"Opposites attract, Less. I mean, look at you and Drozel.
He's a pushover. Big, intimidating, and far from graceful, but he will tie himself in knots to make his friends happy.
Meri's the same. You?" He laughed once. "You're vicious!
You will destroy anyone who hurts someone you care about.
You fight, and maybe not the same way as Drozel, but you still do it, and I'm pretty sure your attacks hurt worse. "
"But does that mean I'm going to scare Meri off once she really gets to know me?"
"Ah." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and turned me for the front door. "I want to be inside in case she needs anything, so let's finish this in there?"
"Which this?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "you were about to say you're falling in love with her - which is not a secret, so you know. I am going to reassure you that you might have a chance."
"I'm more worried about if I even do," I said.
"Ommy, Meri doesn't get it. That's what I was talking to Zasen about.
Those girls don't realize attraction is even a thing.
They live scared. Marriage is traumatic, and men are cruel.
There are no other options, so desiring someone? She's never done it."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"She lived with three girls in her room," I hissed as we stepped inside. "If she was into women, then she would've noticed they were pretty - or not."
"Or," he said, "she saw them as sisters.
Girls she grew up with, who she was too close to, so she couldn't see them sexually.
Women who became her family in a world where they were the only safe people around her.
I mean, did you know the other girls would tell their matron lady if someone broke a rule? "
"Really?"
He nodded. "Because the punishment for not saying anything was worse. They all knew it, they all understood it, and they all pulled inward because of it."
"Fuck," I breathed, dropping onto the corner of the couch. "So what am I supposed to do?"
He took the spot beside me, angled to face me. "You let me help, Less. See, I've already talked to Droz. He thinks it's cute that you have a crush on her, so that's not a problem."
And I groaned. "I didn't even think about asking him."
Omden patted my knee. "I know. We also know you're not a 'relationship' sort of person. We are. That's why you and Drozel work. I get to stick my nose in the middle and make sure of it. And trust me, this is definitely working for me. The more you wear him out, the more I get to cuddle with him."
"Which works for all of us," I joked.
But he nodded. "It really does. So, keep doing what you're doing.
I'll talk to Meri and see if she's horrified by the idea.
I'm sure she'll have a ton of questions, but you know what?
She's stuck doing nothing for a few more weeks.
Naomi wants six. Meri's so frail it's going to take her a bit to completely heal from this, and that's a long time for a girl who's never had a day off in her life. "
"Okay," I said. "But do you think it'd be okay if I go check on her?"
He gestured up the hall. "Go. She's been asking about you. I told her you've been working a lot."
"I have," I admitted even as I stood. "I haven't had my apprentice around to help me stay ahead."
"Tell her that," he insisted. "I'll make sure she heals, you give her something to heal for, and Drozel can work on making her fat. In the middle, we'll make sure she knows it's okay to kiss girls if she's into that."
"This," I said, "is a plan I can get behind."
"Which is why I like you," he teased. "You know I'm the smart one here."
So I lifted my middle finger back at him and headed for Meri's room. "That's not what I said, Ommy."
"Still true," he called after me, making sure I had a smile on my face when I slipped into Meri's room.