Chapter 73
Seventy-Three
Zasen
It started with rustling in the tent and soft voices.
When the sounds intensified, Xav stood, saying he needed to walk Demon.
I looked over at Rymar and lifted a brow, but he shook his head.
I wasn't sure how easily sounds traveled through the canvas and wool walls of the tent, but the last thing I was going to do was interrupt them.
Soon enough, the subtle noises coming from the tent subsided, then stilled completely. When a log in the fire shifted, sending embers into the air, Rymar chuckled, breaking the silence.
"So, pretty sure that's what we think it was," I said.
"Do not let her know it was anything but private," he warned.
I shook my head, assuring him I wouldn't. "No, and I don't think Xav will say anything either." But I jerked my chin at Rymar. "You good with it, though?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Because that," I said, "was not you."
"Shit," he said around a chuckle. "Zasen, you're talking to the wrong man. I happen to have a high opinion of Kanik. In Ayla's shoes, I would've picked him too."
Okay, he had a point there. And yet, his easy acceptance gave me nothing to work with.
More truthfully, nothing to push back against. Ayla had finally crossed that line.
The one thing that scared her the most, she'd just overcome - and it hadn't been with me.
I hadn't expected it to be me, though, so why did I have this feeling in my chest?
"You just got broody," Rymar pointed out when I was quiet too long.
Chuckling, I bent to throw a small twig into the fire. "More introspective than broody, I promise."
"And?" he asked. "I mean, if you're wallowing in your thoughts, might as well entertain me. We're going to be awake for a few more hours."
"She chose," I said. "I mean, she had to. It's not like she could spontaneously pick all of us to be her first time, but she actually made a decision. I think I'm proud of her."
"No," Rymar told me, "she didn't simply choose.
Zasen, that woman took steps. She spread those experiences out, testing the waters.
She checked, rechecked, and proved to herself this was okay.
She grew, and she picked all of us to be there for it.
Fuck, you were the first big attempt she made, and I think we both know Kanik didn't start things tonight. "
"Yeah, good point," I relented. "But you want to know the surprising thing?"
"Hm?" he asked.
"I'm jealous." And I lifted a finger before he could take that wrong. "Do not even think it has to do with her virginity or anything like that. I'm jealous because she felt safer with him than me. No, I don't resent him for it. I'm fucking proud of him, actually. It's more that..."
"What?" he asked.
"He has a different relationship with her than I do," I finally admitted, pausing when a stick cracked nearby. "Xav?"
"Was just deciding if I should turn back around and walk a little more," Xav admitted.
"You're fine," I assured him. "Come warm up. We can talk about something else."
"You can talk about that if you want to," Xav said, easing himself down across from Rymar and myself. "I get the impression this is a big thing for the four of you, and if you want to keep it private, I don't think Demon will mind chasing some rabbits."
"I'm not that shy," Rymar said, looking over at me.
I shook my head. "You're fine, Xav. Besides, no reason Demon can't warm up too. Isn't that right, bud?"
The nearly coyote-colored dog wagged his tail at my tone, but lay down by his owner. Without thinking, Xav reached down to ruffle his fur, and for a moment, silence fell around the campfire again.
The weather had just crossed from nice to cool.
The skies were still clear, offering an amazing view of the stars overhead - through the leaves.
All around us, little things moved. Some were those leaves drifting down as they gave up for the year.
Others were small animals on their nightly business, but in the tent behind me, there was nothing but silence.
"I think," Rymar said, breaking the silence, "Kanik has an easier relationship with her than we do. That's why you're jealous, Zasen."
"Yeah?" I asked.
But Xav made a little noise.
Ignoring him, I jerked my chin at Rymar. "So how do you feel about that? And give me more than 'fine.'"
"Fine," Rymar said, grinning to show he was being a shit. "No, I'm actually relieved. Look, we both know how freaked out she was about sex. This? It's a big thing for her."
"First time?" Xav asked. "And you can tell me to fuck right the hell off, but I'd like to remind you that you said it was okay for me to stay."
I waved him down. "Yes, it was her first time."
"But she came from the Moles," Rymar reminded him. "You know, where women have no power, are traded like objects, and are bred until they die in childbirth."
"My sister was raped," Xav said, looking down to his dog. "She was traveling, seeing the world, and on one of those ships, a man locked her in a room and tortured her." He gestured to himself. "Tailless woman, of course."
I grunted, realizing he meant she had no defenses of her own. "I'm sorry."
"No, not that," Xav said. "My point is I saw what it did to her.
The trauma? That took her a long time to get past. I can't say over, because I'm not sure she'll ever be over it.
But she's figured out how to live with it now.
She has a partner, a couple of kids, and is happy.
" He rocked his head. "And that happened to a woman who knew there were laws protecting her. "
"The man got jailed, right?" Rymar asked.
"Stung," Xav said. "She managed to ask a family for help, and the three of them lost it.
The fucker was stung through the heart and thrown overboard.
Their daughter - who was about my sister's age - stayed with her, made sure she got home, and yeah.
I mean, it worked out, right? But she was still a mess.
" Then he gestured to the tent. "Ayla didn't have that. "
"She had a fork," Rymar said.
"What?" Xav asked. "That's not exactly an impressive weapon, Rymar."
"Which is my point," Rymar said. "Ayla had no options, no control, and no power, but she looked at a damned fork and made it work."
"And Kanik made that work," I said, tipping my head back toward the tent.
"So did you," Rymar said. "Look, as much as I hate to admit it, kissing her? I mean, that first one. I think it was the right thing."
"All I knew was, she shut down every time one of us was nice to her. She ran out and grabbed a gun, killed people she knew, and got fucking shot without flinching, but a smile? Patting her arm? Giving her fucking flowers? Too much. Someone had to break the cycle."
"Yeah, but there's one more thing to consider," Xav said.
"Look, it's different for the two of you.
You have tails. You're always ready to defend yourselves, but those of us without?
" He chuckled. "We're fucking helpless. I got Demon because of it.
I wanted a way to keep the Moles from coming after my girlfriend, right?
To feel like I wasn't useless." He gestured at the tent.
"She has two dogs now. Fucking good ones, too. "
Rymar murmured. "I'm not sure Pepper's a good one."
"Pepper's a livestock guardian," Xav pointed out.
"That means a killer. She wasn't bred to bring back sticks or open doors.
That dog will kill. She'll be good at killing.
The Moles won't be able to stop her. Holly?
She's useful for more, but she's one of Lansin's dogs.
" And he groaned. "Look, my point is, she has a weapon.
She's no longer helpless. She has partners who make her feel safe.
Again, she's no longer helpless - or feeling like she is. So what comes next?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"What?" Rymar asked. "You think that because she had sex, she's going to fall in love and turn stupid or something?"
"Rather the opposite," Xav said.
And I suddenly realized what he was getting at. "Shit, Ry, we're idiots."
"Okay?" Rymar asked.
I gestured to Xav. "He's right. Ayla isn't going to spread her legs and fall in love. To her, sex was torture. It was the beginning of the end of things. That was her deepest, darkest fear. You don't just tackle that on a whim!" I glanced at Xav to make sure I was following him.
"You sorta went in a direction I wasn't," he said. "My thought was more, because she went there with him, she'll probably do the same with you two sooner than you think."
"Where were you going, Zasen?" Rymar asked.
I grabbed another stick from the ground beside me and started breaking it up, pitching the pieces into the flames. "What is worth taking that sort of a risk for, Ry?"
"I dunno..." he said, clearly wanting me to keep going.
"Ayla isn't going to fall in love with Kanik - and not us - because she slept with him. She slept with him because she trusts him already, because she cares for him, and because she's attracted to him. Now, if you combine those things..."
"She already loves him," Rymar realized.
So I pointed at Xav again. "And he just made the point that she's armed now. Those dogs of hers? They're better than even a Mole's gun. So we have a woman who now has something worth risking her life for, a way to fight back, and a thing to fight for - her friend still down there."
"Fuck," Xav groaned. "Okay, that's a good point."
I nodded. "She just defeated her biggest fear and came out the other side as a happy woman. I mean, I'm guessing at that, but it's Kanik."
"Oh, pretty sure she was happy," Rymar agreed. "Can't see him accepting anything less. Not with her. Shit, he probably made that perfect."
"So what else is she that scared of?" I pressed.
"Death?" Xav guessed. "I mean, that's what most people are scared of."
"Not Ayla," Rymar said. "She's scared of failure. She's terrified of not being enough for..." And he groaned, ducking his head. "... her friends. Put another way, those she cares about."
"Yeah," I said, looking over at Xav. "You willing to help us out here?"
"I am not fucking your partner," he said. "None of them."
Which made all of us laugh, because that was not what I'd been about to ask. "No, I mean you have a dog. If we can't keep up with that woman, maybe Demon can?"
"He can try," Xav agreed. "Look, Ayla's my friend.
It's been nice having someone around with dogs.
Lansin too, but he's still a Reaper. But I think you're asking the wrong man.
See, Lansin's taken an interest in your girl - and do not go getting all jealous, because not that sort.
He thinks she's good with the dogs. He also has much better dogs than mine. "
"Aww, Demon," I said, pitching my voice for the dog watching me across the fire. "Xav doesn't think you're the best doggy in the world."
"He's not," Xav admitted. "There's a reason he lost his balls. Now, I wouldn't trade him for the world, but he's not as fast and I'm not nearly the trainer Lansin is."
"Or Ayla," Rymar bragged. "No offense."
"I'm as good as Ayla," Xav taunted. "But no, seriously.
I don't think you have much to worry about.
She's not stupid. She's not going to run off unprepared without at least a plan.
Ayla has different experiences from the rest of us, but her experiences are just as valid.
So stop thinking this is going to be some big defining moment for her, okay? The moment came days ago, I bet."
Which made Rymar lift a brow at me. "So, still jealous, Zasen? I mean, a few days ago, you were what... hunting with her?"
"Is that what we're calling it now?" I asked.
"She killed some deer, so yeah, that's what I'm calling it," Rymar said. "Oh, and make sure Kanik knows everything is good tomorrow?"
"You too," I told him.
"And me?" Xav asked. "Am I supposed to pretend like I don't have a damned clue why your tent was rustling?"
"That," Rymar said, "or you handle it gently, but I don't have a clue how embarrassed she'll be."
"I'm not sure she knows embarrassment is an option," I reminded him.
"Then I'll step in and be the dog pal, hm?" And he flashed me a devious smile. "Remember that when you're changing the shifts, okay? I do not want to wake up before dawn. I'll gladly stay up all night, though."
"Be careful what you wish for," I told him. "This is when the Moles are most likely to attack."
"Yep," he said. "And I'd rather be awake for it than trying to not only wake up but figure out where the attack is coming from. Oh, I also have marshmallows. Celebration sweets, anyone?"
"I'll get sticks," Rymar said, pushing to his feet.
I waited until he was gone, then told Xav, "Thanks. Mostly for talking a walk earlier."
"Like I said," he assured me, "that woman's my friend. I promise I did it for her, not you."
I nodded. "Which is why I appreciate it."