16. Jay
Jay
Isit up and carefully shove the limbs off me. I pull on a jacket and walk out into the frosty morning air. The fire is lit, so I hunt around until I find the pot already filled with water and hang it above the flames.
Blaze comes and sits opposite me, while Roseland stretches and stands upright.
“She won’t remember. Merle is refusing to keep the memory. The others will this time, but Merle can’t. It’s too much.” I pause, reflecting on the mercies that are gifted to us. “The disorder that we have is kind sometimes. Sometimes the mind is merciful.”
I close my eyes and sigh when the sun lands on my body and warms me. It’s nice. It’s peaceful here. I wish we could stay.
“Has she remembered before?”
“Merle? Oh, yes, every time she sees a robin, she remembers. She spends two days crying and remembering everything, and then she goes to sleep, and when she comes back, she will have forgotten. We don’t see robins often.”
“But you think it will be different this time?” Roseland asks. “Why?”
I nod and open my eyes, looking at Roseland and his insatiable curiosity.
“Things have been changing. We are more aware of ourselves, and we’ve been working together.
When it first happened, we didn’t even notice.
It took ages before we realised what was happening.
But life was so bad back then, everything was just about survival.
Who cared if there were broken parts of us when we weren’t sure if we were going to eat.
So what if someone fronted to take the punishment and everything felt far away?
No one noticed if Kestrel hadn’t been seen in months. ”
They stare at me, and I can see them trying to figure out how to ask and what to ask.
“So, I’m curious,” Roseland asks and passes out metal mugs.
“Always a dangerous thing,” I murmur and smile at him.
“How was it that Dove was able to survive that long alone? Six weeks was a long time, and she is so fragile.”
“She wasn’t alone. Not really. I was in and out, but Kestrel was always there. Kestrel is almost always there when Dove is out. She’s just…not responding at the moment, but she’s there. She’s like a TV in a dark room, running on autopilot.”
“I don’t understand,” Roseland murmurs.
“Kestrel is the host. She is the origin from which we were all born. I exist to hold the secrets, to mourn and keep the memory alive. Dove is the embodiment of her pain and regresses right back to the age we think we were when our parents died. Raptor, her rage, but she’s also got the skills Father taught us, deadly confidence, her ability to get us through social situations is unrivaled. ”
“Raven and Merle?”
I laugh softly. “Well, Merle, as you have already seen, is the trauma. She is the alter who forgets, who can’t speak, who exists in the world as a shadow. But what Merle has is a superpower.”
“She does?”
“Oh, yes. Merle has the ability to survive. She can see danger coming, and she can get us out of there. She’s the runner, the survivor. There is strength in weakness. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.”
Roseland pours coffee and offers sugar, but I shake my head, refusing.
“Milk?”
“No, I like it black, thanks.”
When they’ve sat down again, I take a sip, burning my lips.
“It’s good.” I set it down on the ground and look at Blaze, who is watching me intently.
“Raven is an anomaly, even in our strange life. She keeps secrets from the rest of us, is strong enough to hide whatever it is that she does. Raven is cruel and mean, often callously stepping on the feelings of the others and causing unrest, but I can’t help but think there is a reason.
She is cunning and vicious, and she, more than anyone else, wants us to escape Father. ”
I cock an eyebrow, waiting for them to say something, watching Roseland like a hawk because I know they have some kind of thing going on.
“Are there any other things that they can’t remember that will upset them later?”
I smile. “That is a very good question, Detective.”
Roseland scowls.
“And the answer is probably. I’m sure there are things even I can’t remember.
We don’t know we’ve forgotten them. It’s just a huge chunk of our life that has been wiped out of our brain, with nothing left behind.
No clues, no signs, nothing to indicate that anything is missing.
Take Robin, for example. In order to forget her twin, she had to forget her parents, which meant she had to forget the night he killed them, which means that she had no idea that we ever had another home.
No birthdays, no school, no friends, no toys, no name, it all just disappeared.
Can you imagine? All of that gone just to protect one memory?
We believed that we always lived with Father.
We never questioned why we couldn’t remember being young.
How can you know you’ve forgotten what you can’t remember you forgot? ”
Blaze exhales shakily.
“What does it feel like to remember?”
I hum for a moment. Just take a moment to really think about that question.
“I don’t know if it’s the same for them, but for me, it’s like someone’s opened a door I didn’t know was there.
I get the initial whoosh of discovery, the shock, but each time I grab at it, there is more, it keeps expanding.
So, I walk into this memory door, and I’m looking around, getting slapped by all the details of the event that triggered the forgetting, and then I look back at the room I’m living in, and there are clues everywhere.
Little dusty reminders that I just overlooked, but now I’ve seen them I can’t unsee them.
It’s always emotional, it’s draining, it can hurt.
There’s grief and anger, relief that you’re not crazy but horror that your brain just decided to steal an entire part of your life. ”
“Jeez, Jay, that sounds awful.”
I shrug. “It protects our brain. She was a blue robin. I am the blue jay. Do you understand?”
“You are the subconscious part of her that couldn’t let go of her twin, not completely? A living memory of Robin? The mind’s way of protecting your mind from the memory of what happened?”
I smile at Blaze. “That is correct.”
“So, what do you like?”
“Walks on the beach, long holidays at expensive resorts, pretty birds, and excellent coffee.” I wink at Roseland, who shakes his head but can’t hide his smile.
I pick up my coffee and drink half in one go. “This is a pretty good day.”
“Are you high?” Sage asks grumpily as he crawls out of the tent. “After what happened and-”
“We talked about all that,” I wave my hand. “My brother alphas will give you the cliff notes.” I giggle. “I always wanted brothers. Lots of them.”
Sage watches me like I’ve lost my mind.
“Now, we just need the bacon and eggs, and I will be in heaven.”
Sage blinks. “I have that.”
“WHAT?” I jump up and hug him hard. “You, my Alpha, are now my favourite. Brownie points for you. Oh, please, please, please. I haven’t had bacon and eggs in so long. How is that even possible?”
Sage lets out a startled laugh. “Okay. I will get to it, and Pix has all these lovely connections who love any excuse to go play in the woods. They dropped it off yesterday.”
I return to my seat and my coffee and smile.
“How are you so happy?”
I look up at Blaze. “I’m not alone in my pain anymore.”
Sage cocks his head to the side and stares at me. “You are very strange.”
“Thank you.” I grin at them, and to my surprise, they grin back.
And then I get bacon and eggs, and for a short while, life is perfect. But it’s never perfect for long. It’s just a collection of stolen moments. That’s a lesson that we know very well.
Sometimes…moments are enough, though.