17. Kestrel
Kestrel
Islip into the body while no one is watching. In fact, no one notices. The bacon is cold and greasy, and I chew without really tasting it. Bacon is not a favourite of mine. I much prefer coffee and toast for breakfast, ugh, but not this coffee. Where is the milk and sugar?
The alphas are up and wandering around, but it’s Pix who is the one paying attention to me. His gaze is like a hand caressing the nape of my neck, a heavy weight that is pressing me down. He’s already figured it out, he’s just waiting for confirmation on who I am. I refuse to give him a clue.
I inhale sharply when Sage pauses beside me, his hand resting lightly on my shoulder. The gesture is so casual and so comfortable that it makes me weak.
I look up at him, watching as he laughs at something that King rumbles quietly under his breath. He squeezes my shoulder and then moves off and away.
Pix wanders through the alphas, watching me intently, his head cocked to the side. It’s only when I wince and my shoulders tighten that he realises who I am and his expression clears.
“Kestrel, hi.”
I offer him the best smile I can do, which is more of a grimace than a grin, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Blaze and Roseland have turned and realised. They are watching me now, I can feel the weight of their gazes, and within seconds, King and Rolly join in.
“Kest?”
I look up into Sage’s eyes. He pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight before setting me back down on the log. “We were worried about you.”
“I’m okay.”
But I’m not. The pain of the whipping is still there, like he just did it. My back burns, my mind aches. I feel numb. Then there is Robin.
I forgot. That guilt doesn’t just easily go away. I survived worse. No, I thought I had, but Robin is worse.
Pix kneels in front of me, graceful in his dangerous elegance.
“You’re not okay, but there’s no one here that would expect you to be.”
He reaches out and places his hand on my knee. I look down, letting my hair fall around my face, hiding myself from him as I struggle and fight the tears.
He moves closer and takes hold of my fisted hands, covering them and just kneeling in front of me. The alphas move around, packing up the camp in silence.
Pix just sits with me while I fall apart, and it’s one of the most meaningful gestures that anyone’s ever done for me.
He pulls me up and brushes my hair back. “You will survive this, and we will make him pay.”
I like the sound of that.
“Shall we go back to where there are toilets?” he teases.
I groan and nod. “You know what? Toilets would be amazing.”
Pix heaves a sigh of relief and wipes my cheeks. “So, that was a fun heat, yeah? We’re going to do that again, right?”
Liquid warmth flows through me and settles low in my abdomen, leaving me breathless.
“Yes. If we survive the sociopath serial killer, then we should do that again.”
Pix gestures to the forest where the alphas are waiting. I whistle low and long.
There’s no response, so I nod and follow them back to the river. All signs of Pix’s nest have been removed. All the pretty strings and streamers of material have been collected and hidden in packs.
We leave no sign, not even a fire pit. It’s as if it never happened.
I wonder if one day I will wake up and this memory of these alphas and this omega will be stolen from my mind. What else have I lost? I don’t want to lose them or this memory.
The questions are dark and unhealthy, but there’s so much I don’t know, and I can feel the tension running through all of us. An unease, an unsettled concern, and a rising trepidation.
Blaze takes my hand and helps me up into the raft. I can’t help the grin as I step into the middle of it, I feel a bit like a queen. He clings to my hand and kisses the inside of my palm.
“Pix, are you sure this is a good idea?”
Pix turns a look on Roseland. “Will you please try to remember who you are talking to? Sage, King, and I have this. You and Blaze get to be babysat by Kest.”
I smirk at the omega. He winks and grabs a rope and then starts running.
“Wait a minute, what are they doing?” I protest as he runs the wrong way.
“They are going to drag the rafts back up through the stupid canyon.”
I stand up, thoroughly frustrated. “Can I just ask why we aren’t going to the town that is just yonder?” My sarcasm hits hard.
“Yonder town?” Sage says, blinking. He rubs the back of his head and looks at Pix. “What town?”
Pix stares at me. He is strangely tense, his face blank. “It’s in the wrong direction.”
“This seems like the really wrong direction and also dangerous and tiring,” I snap. “Get in the boat before I cut the rope and let you all run to catch up.”
Roseland chuckles. “Ah, Kestrel, you are one of a kind.”
I shake my head, muttering about the brain cells of alphas until they are in the raft, then I grab a paddle and stab it into the water.
“Let’s go,” I growl at them.
King sits beside me and glances at me a few times before I finally give in with an irritated huff.
“Say it.”
“I missed you. When you were gone.”
I stare at him, and something hard softens inside me. “Ha, that’s a bit funny. I thought you only liked Merle,” I say defensively.
“You’re all you, and I’m learning the different parts of you. Kestrel is tough and smart. Yet, you have this soft spot a mile wide.”
“I absolutely do not, and don’t go telling people that.”
He laughs off my attempt to distract him with humour and continues.
“You protected the other alters from the pain.”
I look away. “We don’t need to all carry it.”
“You could have shared it.”
“Raven and Raptor were there when we got hurt. They don’t need to carry our poor decisions.”
“Your self-loathing is something I did not expect.”
I look up, startled. “I don’t hate myself-”
“You do. You hate yourself so much, but it’s okay.”
“It is?”
“Yes, because I’ll be here to tell you every day that I love you, and one day, you will wake up, and you won’t hate yourself quite so much.”
I stare at him, wondering who the hell he is and where he buried King.
He loves me? Nobody loves me.
“You don’t know me well enough to love me,” I argue and shift on the raft. Can I jump off? Will they let me swim?
King turns that calm and confident gaze on me and holds out a chocolate bar. It’s my favourite, but he can’t know that, can he? I’m all kinds of freaked out, and I’ve got goosebumps.
“I don’t even know who I am! How can you know me?” I snarl and stand up. I wobble, but a hand on my back steadies me.
“It doesn’t matter who you were, it matters who you are.”
“I’M SIX PEOPLE!”
“You’re one person with six distinct identities, but they are all still you, and I love every one of them.”
“You’re insane.”
He points a finger at me. “Offensive and rude.”
And to my surprise, he stands up and just steps off the raft, disappearing into the water. I lunge to the edge, watching to see if he’s going to come up.
“King!”
“He’s just cooling off. He doesn’t like arguing unless he can use his fists,” Rolly pauses and gets a glazed look on his face.
“No!” Pix snarls and hits him across the back of the head. “Bad alpha!”
“Ouch!”
King swims for the bank and climbs out, water pouring off him. He doesn’t look back.
“This is insane. Go and get him!” I demand of the alphas.
“Nah, it will do him good to walk it off,” Blaze says. “Tantrums are not rewarded.”
I blink at his absolute lack of interest. I twist, and King is far off in the distance. In a few seconds, we won’t be able to see him anymore.
“Sage!”
Sage and Blaze exchange a look.
“Sorry, sweetheart, Daddy Blaze has spoken. King gets a timeout for upsetting you and then throwing a tantrum. He can walk. It won’t kill him.”
My anxiety ramps up, and I twist my fingers hard. Should I jump out?
Roseland grabs the back of my T-shirt and hauls me onto his lap.
“No, you are not going after him. He will be fine.”
“You don’t know that.”
Rose exhales, and my whole body goes still. That sound brings back a whole heap of heated memories, and my body reacts before my mind even floods my head with images.
“We shouldn’t be separated,” I pant. “And where are my suppressant patches? I need them back on. Meg was so smart to put them in the care package. I bet she wouldn’t jump off a raft.”
I’m on the back foot with these alphas, and I don’t like it at all. Not even a little bit.
“Oh, look, a fishy.”
Rolly just rolls into the damn river.
I let out a screech and lunge, but Roseland holds me tight and sighs again, this time the sound is pure exasperation.
“Bells and shock collars,” Sage says.
“Citronella collars first, babes. We don’t want to scar them.”
“A nice leather leash with their names embroidered.”
“And a paddle?”
“Prong collar for Rolly.”
“Ooh, nice.”
The two alphas kiss each other like they’re on a Sunday freaking walk. I watch as the realisation dawns that they aren’t going to do anything, still.
“I would like to see this paddle,” Pix says.
I whip my head around to stare at him. He blushes but lifts his chin into the air and glowers. “Before you, I was very sexually confident.”
“I am sorry I reversed your sexual inhibitions!” I snap.
“You should be. I don’t blush over a paddle. I coat paddles in slick and use the handle to fuck the alpha who is servicing me.”
Sage starts to cough. “Oh, Rolly is going to be so upset he missed this.”
“I don’t give a damn if you want to dry hump an alpha with a pineapple. I don’t think we should keep going without them-”
“That would be really painful and completely inappropriate.”
I turn to stare at Sage. Is he serious right now?
“It would hurt,” Roseland whispers.
“It was an example!” I shout. “I’m not fucking anyone with a pineapple.”
Blaze strokes his chin, watching me with interest.
“What?”
“Just how kinky are you?”
I fold my arms under my breasts. “That’s neither here nor there.”
“Did you enjoy being tied up?”
I open my mouth to deny it, but then I realise that without my suppressant patch, they will smell the lie.
“Yes! All right! Yes! I loved it. It was fun. I liked being held down and being used. I loved watching Rolly beg King and seeing Rose fold Pix over like a rag doll and plow into his gaping ass.”
“Pussy.”
“What?” I shout, beyond frustrated.
“Pix’s gaping boy pussy.”
I press my fist to my mouth as Pix stands up very slowly, narrowing his eyes at Sage.
“Say that again, Alpha.”
“I really, really, enjoyed eating your boy pussy,” Sage says in a low and seductive voice that has absolutely zero effect on the omega.
He launches at Sage and the two of them roll out of the raft and into the river.
“Well, this is just an adventure of a lifetime, isn’t it?” Blaze leans back and chuckles.
“You did that on purpose,” I snarl at Blaze.
He grins at me, and then he steps off the side of the raft, leaving just Roseland and I to scramble as we get closer to the next set of rapids.
“What the fuck!” I hiss under my breath.
But then I catch a sound that doesn’t belong. I stand up tall in the raft, the paddle in my hand, listening for another sign.
“That was a gunshot. That was close.”
Roseland grabs my arm and tugs me down. “Focus on the problem at hand, Kest. Survive the rapids, kill the alphas when we’re not drowning.”
I whip back, forcing myself to shove them out of my head, but I’m not good at this kind of thing. I’m not the expert.
Raven surges up and shoves me out of the way, grabbing a paddle.
Roseland looks at us.
“Ready?”
She nods grimly. “I’m with you, Rose.”