Chapter 25
The instinct to run hit me hard. Survive, no matter the cost.
I stumbled back, without thinking about it, needing space between me and the threat. He charged at me on all fours, snapping those deadly teeth at my legs. A tooth snagged on my pants leg, shredding the fabric.
His eyes locked on me, showing how blown his pupils were. His hot breath rolled over my leg like a threatening caress.
He was feeling my fear.
My need to escape.
The pain.
My heart pounded in my chest. The big muscles in my legs tensed, ready for what I always did.
He growled, pressing closer. His claws pressed down on my feet as if to dare me to try it. To do anything that would take his mate away from him. The person he waited a hundred years for.
Someone who could love him.
That thought hit me sideways and gave me the perspective I was lacking. What had I thought moments before? Even like this, I related to him more than anyone else in this swamp.
Because at the end of the day, that was what I wanted too.
I wasn’t scared. He was the scared one.
Fear came so naturally to me, I couldn’t pry his thoughts away from my own emotions. I could swear it was mine, because we were more alike than either of us cared to admit.
We were the same. That was why I belonged with him.
Because I could understand him.
I’d thought it earlier. That us being reactive to each other would corrode us into our most toxic and destructive versions of ourselves.
But there was another option.
We could change.
My heart pounded against my chest. That was always easier said than done. Wasn’t it?
Right now, it had to be me who left those old practices behind.
If I was him, I’d be snarling like a rabid animal too. If someone stuffed me in that old closet, I’d be swiping and kicking at him.
What would I want from him at this moment? I’d want him to hold me through it. To see my pain instead of reacting to it.
He needed me to be stronger than I’d ever been before. I had to believe in him. That he was bound to protect me, because I was as essential to him as he was to me.
Something thick got stuck in my throat, and I struggled to swallow.
I can’t do it.
Yes. You can.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and my lips quivered. I dropped to my knees, putting my face inches in front of his snout. He could end me before I could react if he wanted to.
But he won’t.
I didn’t know that. Every muscle twitched, ready to respond to any attack that came my way. My knees sank into the mud.
It wouldn’t be hard to get my feet under me and go west, where the rest of the men disappeared. I didn’t need to run faster than Rot. I only needed to be fast enough that his focus would shift to them. That would buy me time.
No.
I’m scared, and I’m not running. Not this time.
I was more exposed than when I’d been naked before him.
No armor of competence.
No hiding my fear.
No making the decision to survive at any cost.
Instead, I trusted that he’d never hurt me. If I couldn’t believe that the one person whose very survival depended on my well being would take care of me, then there wasn’t even a point in this bond.
Right? My heart twisted painfully. My breathing bordered on hyperventilating.
I could see Levicy clearly in his mind. As he stared at me, all he saw was how they were like hers. Like every Rinah witch that ever came for him.
“I’m not them,” I reminded him gently.
He crawled closer until our noses touched. A tremble I couldn’t control rolled over me.
He isn’t them either.
I held that version of myself inside me with more force than I could fathom it would take. I should have known. Habits like these weren’t that simple to break.
My hands shook as I raised my hands above my head as his lip lifted to show the row of razor sharp teeth up close and personal. “I’m not fighting.”
I could never ask him to shatter his defenses if I couldn’t lower mine.
The promise that I was his for eternity was the only thing keeping me cemented in place. It wasn’t perfect, but hopefully he’d see me trying and match my energy. Like he had all the other times.
This was the path to the future we wanted.
He pulled back enough to show me his pupils shrinking. The distinctive light of humanity slowly made his eyes glow. He studied me with his brows creasing together in confusion.
He scanned the position I was in with critical disbelief. It made me self-conscious, but I held my hands where they were, resisting the urge to put up some kind of defense against his criticism.
“What are you doing?” His voice was rough from all the fighting and roaring.
“Learning.” My voice broke.
“Because you want me to do the same?” He lifted an eyebrow in a way that was curious and steadied my hands.
A kaleidoscope of emotions wheeled through my chest in the long seconds as he took in my position. Softness filled his eyes in a way that made it easier to breathe.
Yes. You see.
Sudden, yet familiar, terror took my breath away again.
“No. Please,” I begged. Don’t let them win.
“Why would I trust a witch? He had that book because of you.”
“He stole it.” Stay calm. This shit is hard, and he’s been doing it longer.
He roared loud enough to make me cover my ears. “You set this up.”
“No. I didn’t,” I whispered, hoping it would encourage him to lower his voice.
“You’re one of her descendants. It’s your job to destroy me.”
“If I did that, I would die,” I reminded him.
“You’ve already shown that you have no regard for your life. Why would that mean anything?” He snapped his teeth. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you get close.”
The words were blades across my exposed heart. He turned, stomping towards the water. For a fraction of a moment, he glanced back at me with a pain that I understood ringing through him like an alarm, and I dared to hope he would reconsider.
He dove into the water, shattering the fragile hope I’d bet all my mediocre chips on. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized how easily he’d thrown away what I offered him.
Why would it be enough now? It’d never been enough before.
It hurt. I wrapped my arms around myself to hold myself together.
I tried.
I really did.
Even when it was declared by some ancient swamp god, I wasn’t meant to have a home. If I couldn’t even find that in him, how could I find it somewhere else?
Sobs wracked through me. The rejection stung more than the bleeding wound in my shoulder. My body curled forward, my forehead hovering over the mud.
It was time to face the brutal truth. My only hope for home died when I was five.
Heavy rain plopped around me, like the sky felt my pain too.
Everything came into sharp focus. All the self-destructive things I did that kept me trapped in this loop.
I wasn’t willing to live like this anymore.
Not even for him.
We couldn’t hurt each other if I was two states away.