25. Fuck It
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
FUCK IT
Payne
Present
Red.
All I see is red.
“Payne.” My name hits me in a whisper from where she stands behind me. When she got halfway through the nightmare my father put her through, I had to look away. I didn’t trust myself to touch her when all I wanted to do was throw a chair through the fucking window.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
I turn and find her crying silent tears. “You’re sorry?”
She nods and swipes her face. “I am. I shouldn’t have left you.
I was scared, and I’d seen every bruise he’d given you from the time we met.
Every single one. The thought of him doing anything worse...
” Her words trail off. “And then he threatened my family. Even if I told you, I’m not sure who else would’ve believed me.
I was just some girl in town from a broken family.
He was Owen Deacon. It would have been my word against his if I went to the authorities. ”
I’ll throw something through the window later.
I take the two steps to pull her face to mine.
The need to touch her and beg her to forgive my fucked-up family for everything they’ve put her through overwhelms me.
“Don’t ever be sorry. You did nothing wrong.
If that son of a bitch wasn’t rotting away in prison right now, I’d kill him with my own hands.
I’m the one who’s sorry. Sorry I didn’t protect you from him.
Sorry I put you in the position to be here with him in the first place. ”
I pull her to my chest and bury my face in her hair. I don’t know how she’s handled this on her own. I can’t take it. It’s been years, and it didn’t even happen to me. I’d take a thousand bruises and beatings from my fucking father if I could take away what he did to her.
She pushes away just far enough to look up at me.
Her eyes are calm compared to what’s raging in my gut.
“I didn’t want to tell you. But we’re here.
If we have a chance at any future, you had to know.
We never kept anything from each other before.
I want that again. This is on me. I left, but I should’ve come back.
I thought you’d never forgive me. Years later when I heard you got engaged, I was hurt, and then I was angry. There was no way I could come back.”
I lean down to look straight into her eyes.
“I don’t know how it got to that point. I was tortured from missing you.
I had to talk myself into moving on, but I couldn’t go through with it.
Not in my heart. Ask Dean. He was there.
It’s not something I’m proud of. If I could go back, it never would’ve happened. ”
Her hands slide up my pecs, my neck, and land on my jaw. “I don’t blame you for moving on. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt. It was easier to hate you than look in the mirror at who was to blame—me.”
“I’ve got to get you out of here.” I let her go, but only far enough to bend and swipe her up. I cradle her to my chest as I hold her tight around her back and beneath her knees.
“What are you doing?”
I’m out of the office and move toward the stairs.
“I’m going to tear that fucking room apart.
When I’m done with it, no one will recognize it.
I can’t stand it—and I never want you to set foot in there again.
I’ll rebuild it from the bottom up. I’ll do everything I can to erase what he did from your brain. ”
I’m up the first flight of stairs and turn to my suite. It’s late. Mom is passed out by now, and it’s Sadie’s day off. Alice and Blake are set for the night and will call if they need anything.
I open the door to my suite and kick it shut, but I don’t put her down. She looks around but doesn’t move to leave my arms. “Unlike your father’s office, you’ve really changed the place.”
“You’re here.” I look down at her where we stand in the middle of my bedroom.
“I can’t believe you’re here after all this time.
I don’t give a damn that I sound like a chick ...
you’re like a dream come true after a nightmare.
There were years I never let myself fantasize this.
Then later, there were years I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
I knew I’d be alone forever. If I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone. ”
She puts a hand on my jaw and leans in to press her lips to mine. “We’re finally alone.”
I pull back and shake my head. “No, we can’t do this.
Not tonight. I thought this was going to happen all day.
Hell, I’ve been counting down the minutes until I got you right here.
There’s no way I can take you after what you just told me.
But that doesn’t mean you’re leaving my side. I’ll never let you go again.”
She leans in and kisses me. This time softer, less rushed. “I need you, Payne.”
“I can’t, baby. I’ll feel like the biggest selfish asshole on earth. And it’s bad enough I was an ass when you first got back.”
Her fingers press into my skin to the point that I feel her desperation.
It matches my own. “Don’t you understand?
I want you. We can move on and erase the past. Give me new memories, Payne.
I want to wake up in the morning and know that whatever happened in the past will never happen again.
Your father is rotting away in prison. He’ll never touch us or anyone else. ”
I brush a hand through her hair. “You’re engrained in my soul. The missing part of my heart. I never stopped loving you.”
She pushes up to her toes and kisses the underside of my jaw. “I’ve always been yours. If anything, my love only rooted deeper for you over the years.”
I search her eyes for a hint that this isn’t totally and utterly the right thing to do.
I see nothing but love and desire.
The same things coursing through me.
“You’re sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure.” Then she bites her lip. “There’s only one problem.”
“What? I’m a problem solver by nature. Tell me what’s wrong. Hell, I plan to solve all your problems for the rest of your life. No more problems for you.”
Her lip slips from her teeth and forms into a small smile. “I love you.”
“That’s not a problem.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m not on birth control. There’s been no need for years. So that’s on you tonight.”
I want to pound my chest and scream from the rooftops that she’s had no need for it for years, until I have to break the equally bad news. “I have no condoms.”
She frowns. “You don’t? I was counting on you to be prepared.”
“Like you.” I pause and hike a brow. “There’s been no need.”
Her smile returns.
“You like that. I liked it too.”
She looks as disappointed as I feel. “We can wait.”
“Or...” My hold on her tightens and the words fall from my lips before I can take them back. “We could say fuck it.”
Her blue eyes saucer. “Excuse me?”
I shrug. “I’ll never love anyone but you. No one will ever measure up. We have twelve years to make up for. Why would we wait?”
“Right now? In the middle of everything, you want to say fuck it?”
I pull her to me, and we’re fused from her tits to her thighs.
I drop my hand to her ass. “Who else am I going to say fuck it with for the rest of my life? You’re here and a reality.
I never thought that would happen. I want to say fuck it more than I have ever wanted anything. The rest will catch up.”
A small smile pulls at her lips. “You’re crazy.”
“Only when it comes to you. No—I’m crazy when it comes to us. I want this—hell, I need it, and I think you do too. I’m ready to heal and move forward.”
Tears well in her eyes again, but this time they’re nothing but happy when she nods. “Fuck it.”
My hold on her tightens, and my tone is guttural. “I will never let you go. For the rest of time, you’re mine.”
Ruby
This is happening.
This is really happening.
I’ve dreamed of this in the recesses of my mind. Those dreams have only tormented me because I knew they would never become a reality.
I barely have memories without Payne in my life. He started out as a forced friend, turned into my real friend, became my best friend, and then my boyfriend.
Finally, he became my lover.
Payne had just turned twenty and I was nineteen when I left. It didn’t feel like we were kids then, but we were. We explored and experimented. Everything we knew, we learned together. And through every moment of it, Payne’s focus was solely on me.
He might be cocky and self-confident to a fault, but never when it was just us.
With me, he was selfless and attentive, and everything he did was to make me feel safe and happy and loved.
So when he said fuck it, I was initially stunned because no one says fuck it. Not when it comes to things like unprotected sex.
Yes, I was surprised ... and overjoyed. I thought about stripping bare for him and telling him to go for it.
I didn’t have to do that. As soon as I agreed, he took over.
My donated pieces of clothing hit the floor one by one. It’s faster since I didn’t bother with a bra today because every single one I own was lost in the fire. I’m standing in my panties. With every other piece of clothing stripped off, Payne walks me backward across the suite to his bed.
He looks down through a gaze that’s a mix of adoring and sultry. “The things I want to do to you, baby. There’s not enough time in the world.”
My head falls back when his lips hit my neck. His hand dips into the back of my panties where he palms one globe of my ass and squeezes. His other drifts north and cups my breast where he drags his thumb over my hardened nipple.
I moan. “I can’t wait for all those things.”
His lips form a smile on my skin. I fist his shirt as my body goes haywire. He gives my nipple a delicious pinch and a roll. The sensation shoots straight between my legs. Want and need course through my veins, only for him.
His lips work their way up my neck. He drags his tongue along my jaw until he gets to my mouth for a searing kiss, all while his fingers and hands work me into a sexual cluster so tight I’m afraid of what will happen when I fall off the ledge.