36. House of Love
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
HOUSE OF LOVE
Payne
Four weeks later
Iwalk up to the front desk at the treatment center. The receptionist smiles. “Hello, Mr. Deacon.”
I pick up the pen to check in and grab a badge. “It’s a beautiful Sunday, isn’t it? How’s she doing today?”
“Your mom mentioned you might stop by. She’s waiting for you in the garden. Enjoy your visit.”
I lift my chin. “Thank you.”
This place doesn’t look like a rehab center. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was the poshest wellness retreat north of California. Somehow, they’ve made this place serene yet secure.
I make my way through the dining room to the open-air courtyard in the middle of the building. The trees have been leafing out for a few weeks, and the flowers are finally catching up. Mom is on the far side of the gardens writing in a journal.
Every time I’m here, she’s writing in that journal.
She’s so focused, I startle her when I bend down to kiss her cheek. “You look good, Mom.”
When I greet her, her expression turns hesitant just like every Sunday I visit.
She’s not used to affection—giving it or receiving it.
I’m not sure who I’d be right now if I didn’t grow up with Ruby.
Even as a best friend when we were little, I got more hugs from her, Sadie, and Alice than I ever got from my own mother.
Dad has been gone for a month. I don’t have one remorseful bone in my body.
It might have been self-defense, but he also got what he deserved.
We’ll never have to worry about him again.
Not me, Mom, Ruby, or anyone else who might have crossed his path.
The only reason I haven’t completely put him out of my mind is because of paperwork.
So much fucking paperwork when someone dies. It’s the last thing I want Mom to have to deal with when she comes home.
I pull up a chair across from her. It’s not lost on me she still hasn’t uttered a word.
“How was your week? I talked to your counselor on Friday. She’s happy with your progress. She feels good about where you are coming into your final days here.”
“I’m glad someone feels good about that.”
Mom pulls in a deep breath and her gaze wanders over my shoulder before she closes her eyes and tips her head to the sky.
Her complexion is healthy, her eyes aren’t sunken in with dark rings, and her naturally graying hair is clean, brushed, and pulled back into a low clip at the base of her neck.
She’s even put on weight. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen her this healthy.
I lean forward and put my elbows to my knees. “You’re not feeling good about it?”
She opens her eyes and turns her focus on me. “I’m scared, Payne. I’m so scared to leave here. None of this is easy, but it’s easier here than it will be at home. I’m afraid of what will happen when I go back.”
“You’ll do your best. There’s nothing else for you to do.
It’s the same house, but it feels like a home for the first time in my life.
The house is full. Alice, Blake, and Ruby are there.
And if you come down and join the living, Sadie is there all week.
You don’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to.
Hell, you helped design it. You know there’s plenty to keep you busy. ”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know that I can go back and face them. From the little I remember, I was awful.”
She was. I don’t know why Sadie has stayed as long as she has, but I don’t focus on that. “Alice is rebuilding. That will start in the next couple of weeks. She and Blake won’t be there forever, but Ruby isn’t going anywhere.”
The air is stagnant between us. I have visited every time I was allowed, but I’ve kept the conversation focused on her.
Her health and her recovery. She knows about Dad.
Her counselor agreed we shouldn’t keep that from her since he was a huge part of her addiction.
Dealing with his death needed to be a part of her recovery.
But from what her counselor reported, that hasn’t been hard for her to do. In a way, she feels like Mom has been able to move on easier, which says everything.
“Ruby...” Mom lets that name hang between us before she finishes her thought. “She’s not going anywhere?”
“I told you we were getting married. The only reason that hasn’t happened is because we wanted to know if you wanted to be there. But it can’t happen soon enough.”
Her tone dips to a whisper. “Do you want me there?”
“Only if you agree to be ... not the way you’ve always been.” I lean back in my chair and take in her reaction. “There’s no reason to put this off—Ruby is pregnant. We just found out this week.”
Mom’s eyes widen. “Pregnant?”
“Yes. We couldn’t be happier. Hell, we’re ecstatic. We want you to be a part of our children’s lives, but not if you relapse. My kids will not grow up like I did. It’s a hard boundary. You need to know that before you come home.”
Her hand goes to her mouth and tears form in her eyes. This might be tough love, but she has to know.
“A baby,” she echoes before she looks back to me.
“I failed you. I know I did. I was weak. And your father ... well, we both know what he turned into. But something you don’t know is you’re an only child because I refused to subject any more children to the life we lived.
I never told anyone that. I always said one was enough.
It’s the only thing I did right as a mother, and I kept that to myself my entire life. ”
And here I assumed she didn’t even want me because one was enough to hinder her lifestyle. “You did the right thing. But just so you know, Ruby and I plan to fill the house. Our family will look very different.”
A tear escapes down her cheek. “I don’t know how you turned out so good. Lord knows, I can’t take any credit for it.”
“Ruby and I want you to come home. We’ll support you in every way we can as long as you try.”
“It’s more than I deserve. That’s one of the things I’ve wrestled with the most. If you kicked me out, I wouldn’t blame you.”
I reach out, take her hand in mine, and repeat what Ruby has said to me more times than I can count over the last four weeks.
“It’s never too late to be the mother you want to be.
You can add grandmother to that too. It will be a different life than anything you’ve ever known.
There’s so much love in that house right now, you won’t know what to do with yourself. ”
Her tears fall freely. “I want that, Payne. I want it more than anything.”
I cup my other hand over our embraced ones. “It’s yours to have. You know what you need to do.”
She nods. “Thank you. It’s a chance I don’t deserve, but I’ll take it.”
I let out a slow, relieved exhale. I need her to be okay. I need her to fight for a healthy life. I know it’s not going to be easy, but we’ve got nine months for her to prove she can do it.
I’ll do everything I can to make sure she succeeds.
She grips my hands tighter, and it’s like she could read my mind. “I never told you enough, but I love you, Payne. I’ll do this for you.”
I can’t remember the last time I gave my mom a genuine smile, but it’s all hers today. “I love you, Mom.”