16. Chapter 16
Michaela
I paced my room, hands wringing, mind racing, Christmas music playing. Normally it calmed me, but Carol of the Bells hit differently when a girl was trying to psych herself up to do something crazy.
Once I came back to my room, I couldn’t find peace. I kept thinking of the way they’d deserted him, more concerned with the king than the prince who’d been threatened moments before. Was that normal for him? Who took care of Fitz?
In a way, that had always felt like my job. Our letters gave him a place to speak his mind and he had, quite frequently. Knowing what I now knew, that those letters were low-key illegal, it made even more sense that he could tell me anything and still feel safe.
I used to get the letters, feel his anguish, and ache to be at his side. Obviously, an ocean away, I couldn’t. But this time it was different. This time, I was one secret tunnel away from him. He needed me and I literally had a passageway.
But there had to be some law about sneaking in the back door to the prince’s bedroom, and I really didn’t want to end up in the tower or the dungeon.
My mind went back to the moment he nearly shattered, hands clenched around his head as if he couldn’t silence the taunting in his mind.
He needed me.
In my teal pajamas, I made my way over to the bookcase. I didn’t have to go into his room. It was entirely possible that he wasn’t even there. With a little peek, I could see if Fitz was okay.
My fingers gripped the bronze frog and pushed, releasing the mechanism that would open the hidden corridor.
Fitz needed me.
Nothing else mattered.
My flashlight beam illuminated the tunnel. With some effort, I pulled the bookcase shut behind me and latched it in place. If anyone checked on me, they wouldn’t know about the secret passage. The royal secret would be safe.
My feet shuffled over the stones as I worked my way through. The second time around, I noticed more. More cobwebs, a lot more spiders, a mouse that made me squeal, but also two other offshoots that led somewhere. Fitz said the tunnels were built for escape. It made sense that there would be more to them than a simple connection between two rooms. At least one had to lead outside the palace walls. As I moved deeper down the path, I had to wonder where the other paths led.
I reached the end and fumbled with the latch that kept the painting in Fitz’s bedroom against the wall. This had to be the craziest idea I’d ever had. It was one thing to go into his bedroom when I was invited but showing up with no notice?
What if someone else was there?
What if he wasn’t, but his bodyguards were?
I gulped. What if he was changing his clothes?
I groaned internally and shifted the bolt back.
It didn’t matter.
All that mattered was that look on his face, the one that said he knew he would have to face this alone.
I set my palms against the wood door and started to push.
He asked what he would do without me?
I didn’t plan on letting him find out.
The hinge didn’t make a sound as I pushed the backside of the painting, an inch at a time. I peered into Fitz’s bedroom, cautiously letting it fall open. Faint light created shadows and highlighted the rumpled bedspread, but Fitz wasn’t in his bed. Either he hadn’t made it, or he’d tried to go to sleep but had abandoned the idea. The warm glow of light didn’t originate in his bedroom anyway, more like leftovers filtering in from another room in his suite.
My mind raced with a herd of personally derisive and anxiety-ridden thoughts. There were a thousand reasons that Fitz could be out of bed, and more than ninety percent didn’t need my help. But instinct propelled me forward until both of my feet were on his bedroom floor. I held my breath, feeling a thousand percent intruder, but not caring anyway. The crackle of the fireplace gave off the only sounds. One of the double doors was closed, but the other hung open, framing a glimpse at his personal sitting area. That same warm glow illuminated the back of one of the oversized chairs and the glass top of the table. A single mug rested dead center. Was Fitz trying to sleep with warm cocoa, a trick I taught him, or was it leftover coffee that had never been cleaned up? Was Fitz even here? Maybe his bed was messy because he’d been called out to his father’s bedside. Even with the hearth blazing, it didn’t mean he was around. I considered turning back, too nervous about my choice to keep going, but I thought of his face moments after Lilith issued her threat. Civil war. Assassinations. And no one thought to even give him so much as a hug. Too focused on themselves to take care of the one person in the room who’d been a direct target.
No, I couldn’t turn back. Not yet.
As if a reward for my diligence, a heavy sigh filled the still air. I knew that sigh, even years later. With tentative steps, I moved toward the open door, watching as the room gave up its secrets with every step. The fire’s snapping chatter grew more distinct. The faint smell of smoke and charred wood leant a warmth to the air that comforted me. I paused in the doorway and gulped back the emotion that immediately rose as I saw him. If there had ever been heartache personified, it was him.
Perched on the edge of the couch, Fitz leaned forward with his forearms braced against his legs. His head hung low, as if it took too much effort to hold it up. A blanket wrapped over his shoulders, the ends of either side tucked into his tight fists. Shadows danced across his frame, like a playmate who wanted him to snap to life, but still Fitz didn’t move. He hadn’t sensed me yet, or if he had, he didn’t acknowledge it. I ran my tongue over my suddenly dry lips and drew in a slow breath.
“Fitz?”
His head popped up, first to look at the flame in alarm, but then his startled gaze fell on me. All at once, his breath rushed out of him as he realized there was no attack, just me, ambushing him in his bedroom.
My bad.
“Coco, I didn’t expect you.”
“I should have made more noise, tripped on a rug or something.” I was trying to make things better with humor, but he wasn’t picking up on it. “Probably not the best idea to sneak up on a guy who was just threatened with assassination.”
Oof. Why did I say that? I started to backtrack, but Fitz didn’t act like he’d even heard me. His focus had locked onto the fire again and his blank stare chilled me worse than the winter’s air.
“Are you okay, Fitz?”
Fitz’s attention snapped back to me, surprised, as if he’d forgotten I was there. His body shifted and stretched, instantly uncomfortable because of my question. “Yeah, I’m…” The words wouldn’t come and he shook his head. “No, I’m not.”
“Did something happen with your father?”
The bob of his head could hardly be called a nod, disconnected from the rest of his body like an afterthought. “He became dizzy after dinner, I guess.” Fitz cleared his throat to erase the rush of emotion. “They told me about it just before the ceremony.”
No wonder he looked shaken earlier. I’m sure he’d wanted to go to his father, but he was roped into the circus of the choosing ceremony instead.
“Is he okay?”
“Yes, sleeping. I just returned from seeing him.” His palm swept over his mouth, then snaked around the back of his neck before it dropped again. “The doctors say he’s stable, at least at present.”
“I was worried.” I turned to point at the opening to the tunnel that still sat slightly ajar, leaking cold air into the suite, but Fitz wasn’t paying attention.
“I’ll be fine,” he said more to the fire than to me. No one had to tell me for me to understand. This was his routine, his coping mechanism, shutting down, erasing his emotions, closing off everything because if he didn’t allow himself to feel it, then it wasn’t real. If it wasn’t real, it couldn’t hurt him. When we were kids, he’d tried that with me, but I never allowed him the space to wallow. No matter how long it took, I always wrestled his worries out of him so that we could talk about it.
But we weren’t kids anymore. This wasn’t a bad test on a history exam or the baseball team cutting him in the first round. These were heavy problems, issues that couldn’t be wiped away with a little conversation. He was a Crown Prince and I had no right to force him to discuss what plagued him, even if I wanted to. Fitz knew where to find me if he needed me. I’d done what I’d needed to. I’d checked on him and he knew I cared, but I couldn’t force him to let me in.
“I didn’t mean to intrude. I only wanted to check on you.” I took a step back. “No one else seemed to be, so I thought…” I sounded like an idiot. “I’ll leave you alone.”
The darkness of his bedroom welcomed me back, and every step that I took toward the tunnel eased the awkward intrusion feeling in my chest. Why did I think this was a good idea? I’d shown up in his bedroom for heaven’s sake. What would this look like to the outside world? If any other contender had done something like this, it would have been grounds for immediate dismissal, I was sure of it, but I was lucky Fitz had a soft heart and hadn’t freaked out.
I just needed to get back to my room, lock the tunnel, and focus on the reason I’d come. It wasn’t to be his therapist. I was supposed to help him find a—
“Wait.” His voice called out to me. “Don’t go.”
Fitz
Like a thundercloud breaking open, the realization dawned on me that she was going to leave and once more I would be left to face my challenges alone. I’d forgotten what it was like having someone who saw beyond the surface and cared about the turmoil beneath.
“Please, don’t leave,” I said again as she returned to the doorway. Coco watched me with questioning eyes, obviously unsure of what I wanted. That made two of us. In fact, that was the day’s theme, unsure of everything. My standing in the kingdom, my father’s prognosis, my future wife now that I knew I couldn’t make a life with Gwen, and even the nature of my soul, because I couldn’t be a good person if this many people wanted me dead.
I didn’t have words for her. I couldn’t explain what I needed or how she could help me; I only knew that if she walked out, I didn’t know how I would put myself back together again.
I needed her.
My mind went back to that Christmas morning that had haunted my thoughts all day. Gripping the corners of the blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I opened it wider and stared with expectancy, hoping she understood the unspoken message.
Her soft smile felt like balm to a burn as she covered the space between us with quick steps. She still fit under my arm, maybe even better than before since I’d finally outgrown her in height. I captured her beneath the blanket, surprised at the way she wrapped her arms around me and cuddled close. It wasn’t that we’d never done this before, but I had to admit, it had never felt like this.
My heart, while seconds ago had felt on the verge of fracture, raced to life as if she’d set paddles to my chest and shocked me back into existence. The curve of my arm melted around her shoulders as I leaned back, pulling her with me into the corner of the couch. Michaela naturally melded with me, comfortable within my embrace. Yes, this was familiar and reminiscent of our teenage years, and yet… different.
We stayed silent for some time, content to let the moment breathe. Did she feel what I did? That hum? That buzzing, glowing sensation that left me feeling like I’d rolled in the coals and somehow escaped injury? I shifted slightly and brought her tighter against my chest in the name of warmth, but she offered up no protest, just sank into me as if the space for her had been carved to fit her shape.
“What’s going on, Fitz? I know it’s only been a day, but you look like you’ve lived a year in twenty-four hours.” Her palms pressed against my chest as she popped her head up to look at me. “You know you can talk to me. It’s been years since we did it in person, but I can get a pen and paper if you want to write me a letter.”
The fire’s light glimmered over her features. The old saying dictated that candlelight was a woman’s best lighting, but she left me breathless under the flickering illumination.
“I don’t need to write you a letter.” I smiled at the thought. Writing it, pretending to post it, just to hand it to her. Knowing Coco, she’d play along. My finger caught the edge of her hair where it had come free and hooked it backward behind her ear. The breadth of my palm automatically came to rest against her jaw in the process and, without thinking, my gaze dipped to her lips. “I can’t count how many times I’ve written you, wishing you could just materialize here and…” She had to be feeling this. The vibrations of our souls, coming into alignment, pulling closer than even our bodies were. “… and then you could hug me again and tell me it’s all going to be okay.”
Her arms tightened around me as warmth came to life in her eyes. “It’s all going to be okay, Fitz.” Her lips pressed together, just once, but I had a hard time looking away. “Tell me what’s wrong. Lay it all on me.”
“It’s everything.” Blue eyes waited with expectancy, unflinching and full of concern. Had a more perfect woman ever been created? And to call her my best friend… Maybe I wasn’t as wretched as I thought. I couldn’t be that bad if she was willing to keep me. “It’s my father, and the kingdom, and, as you put it, threats of assassination.”
Embarrassment brought her head against my chest. Coco burrowed against me, voice vibrating against my skin as she spoke. “I thought you missed that.”
“No.” I tried to laugh but my heart had begun to race with her face pressed against me and it came out choked and stifled. “I heard you.” My palm rubbed over the blanket, between her shoulder blades, setting me aglow with the way she hummed at the sensation. That was definitely new. Not the sort of thing friends did. To cover for myself, I pulled the blanket higher around her shoulders, as if that was my intention all along. She turned her face and brought her ear against my chest, leaving me instantly nervous she might hear my heartbeat and get suspicious. The last thing I needed was to screw up two friendships in one day with my bad decisions.
“I kissed Gwen,” I admitted, bringing the true cause of my distress to the surface.
Beneath my hand, Michaela’s body tensed. “I heard. Everyone is talking about it.”
I found myself dissecting her words, not for content, but tone. Did it bother her? Why did I feel an overwhelming need to help her understand that it meant nothing to me?
“Are they gossiping about my regret as well?”
Her head popped up like a gopher from a hole. Somehow, she’d moved closer and I found myself fixated on her lips again.
“You regret it?”
Needing a reprieve from the emotions that hounded me when she was this close, I pressed her against my chest again and inhaled deeply. “She has this ludicrous idea that two people can’t develop chemistry over time. She felt that it would be more efficient if we discovered that fact early on so as not to waste time.”
“But you gave her the charm. If you regretted it…”
My eyes closed as I remembered my panic. “We didn’t feel the same way. Gwen thought…”
“She felt the chemistry, you didn’t.”
“Exactly.” The scent of her shampoo teased my senses. Coconut and jasmine. Intoxicating. “She told me that if it wasn’t there for us, she was leaving and… I don’t know—I panicked.”
“And totally confused her in the process.” I thought she would pick up her head to talk to me, but she burrowed a little deeper as though she sensed my need for comfort. “You do realize you’re just kicking this can down the road, right?”
“What can?”
“It’s an American saying. You’re prolonging pain.” Her leg shifted against mine as she made herself comfortable. “Eventually, you’ll have to tell her.”
“I’m aware.”
“Is a part of you still hoping it’ll work out?”
She knew me too well. “Yes. The incredibly delusional side of me.” One of her loose curls looped perfectly about my finger. “See, she was the plan. Like my community college of future wives.”
That brought her head up. Brow creased, Coco said, “I think you lost me with that logic.”
“Remember?” Were her eyes always this blue? “When you used to talk about your dream universities and where you would go if you could have anything, and then you talked about your…” I struggled to recall the word she’d used, “for surety school, and how you knew no matter what you could attend.”
I loved that her smile showed not only in her mouth and cheeks, but in her eyes as well. “Safety school, you goober.”
“Right. Well, Gwendolyn was my safety pick. If everything else failed…”
“You could marry her.”
“Precisely.”
“And now, you’re spiraling because you have no backup plan.” Was she really laughing at my distress? I might not have noticed except that with my hand on her back, I felt the gentle bounce. “You realize, Your Highness, you’re in the same boat as the rest of the world?”
“Hardly.” I didn’t even try to hide my objection. “If you, or any other person, doesn’t marry, the weight of a country doesn’t bear down on you. The history books won’t cite you as the reason the country failed or fell into civil war.”
“No,” she poked my chest once and made me squirm, “but my Aunt Ida is real judgy.”
“Oh, that definitely makes us equal then.” I adjusted the blanket once more, but truth be told, it was mostly to allow some freedom in rubbing my palm over her back. The way it released that soft hum from her lips, I found myself positively beaming each time I heard it.
“It’ll work out, Fitz. You don’t have a safety net, but you don’t need one.” Her palm flattened over my chest, and I clenched my teeth to keep from reacting to the rush in my veins. “These contestants, these women, they would do anything to get your attention.”
Close as I could tell, most of them were more interested in murder than falling in love.
“Tell me more about that. Who do you think I should pick?”
Her hand twitched, not enough to pull it away but definitely enough that I felt it. “It’s too soon to know that. Blair is the real deal. Eirene is—”
“An activist,” I answered for her. “We had a lovely chat. I might extend a job offer.”
“Oh swoon!” she purred. “I’m sure that’s a great way to start a marriage.”
“Who else?” I practically growled it at her.
“You don’t like hearing it, but Esmerey is still a jerk. Not as open about it as Fallon, but she definitely thinks she’s better than everyone.” That didn’t surprise me, but Coco kept going. “But I will say, she’s here for you, not civil war or to attack you. She was a beast on that course because she wanted time with you.”
But was it me she wanted or the crown? I wasn’t sure how to pull the two apart.
“And what of Sadie?” I tried to pick my words carefully. “She looked, different… tonight.”
“Ha.” Her little sound of triumph surprised me. “Courtesy of yours truly. That was my dress and a little pageant magic.” She sat up again, face close to mine, making me almost cross-eyed as I watched her. “The whole thing with Sadie and her… forehead hand thing… what was that?”
Why did she have to remind me? Yet another reason to be stressed.
“It’s called Devotion of the Mind. It’s a pledge given through ritual, meaning the person giving it has fully and completely devoted their mind to the one receiving it.” I still wasn’t sure I deserved such a tribute. “There are seven types of tribute that can be given according to Nolcovian tradition.”
Her eyes narrowed, clearly curious. “Will you teach me?”
The idea made my mouth go dry, but I wasn’t sure why. As a child, we’d practice them. From the Pledge of the Sacred Heart to Imbuement of Mortal Courage, we tossed them around like candy. But, as with so much else related to Coco, doing something that sacred, that real, even to educate her, I wasn’t sure I could do it. Not without feeling something more than I should.
“Not tonight,” I told her, hoping she wouldn’t be disappointed. “You’ll have enough to learn with the ball approaching anyway.”
“I won’t be here for the New Year’s Ball, remember?” Her teeth caught the edge of her lip and left me wondering what it meant. “You’re sending me home by then.”
“True, but I was talking about the Christmas Eve Ball, which isn’t far off at all.”
“You have a lot of those around here.” Her mouth tightened and shifted to the far right. “It’ll be weird spending Christmas without Mom.”
My heart clenched at the thought of what I was asking of her. “I can send for her, if that would make you happy.”
“No, she’ll be fine.” She blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “She’s got this new boyfriend anyway, and it’s super awkward when my mom is all lovey-dovey on the couch and I’m sporting the single life.”
My hand felt hot against her back, not because we were too heated, but because I felt guilty for where we were. Rationally, I saw nothing wrong with it. She wasn’t technically on top of me, not really. Rather, she was wedged between me and the back of the couch, likely drifting slowly toward oblivion or whatever lurked in the crevices of the cushions. We were friends, nothing more.
Nothing romantic… about… it… I forced my gaze away from her lips and laid my head back. “Thank you for this. I needed to talk. Is there a Fitz signal or something that goes up?”
Her head pressed against my chest again. “Nerd.” She laughed lightly. “Besides, it would be Coco signal because they’d be calling for me, not you.”
“Nerd,” I teased back.
She tightened her grip around me, more like a hug that wasn’t willing to let go yet. “I should get back. I’m sure it’s late. And you have a big date tomorrow.”
“That I do…” I ran my fingers through her hair and she shivered, releasing a bout of curiosity inside me. Would that happen every time? I ached to know but dared not try again. Instead, I closed my eyes and soaked in the comfort of her presence. Nothing had been solved, but somehow with Coco there, I knew I could handle it.
My father.
The throne.
Even my date in the morning.
Michaela had my back.
My breathing evened out as our joined heat left my body relaxed and soft. She’d get up any minute, and I would head back to my bed.
Any minute we would…
My mind drifted away, lost in a world where I wasn’t going out with Blair, but instead, I took a fair maiden of the Aclusian Province, Lady Michaela, a Nolcovian princess.