32. Chapter 32
Michaela
H e never did come and find me. Not that I expected him to after what I’d witnessed. Bishop’s warning rang in my ears as he spent all of his time planning the changes to what they were calling Christmas Eve Festival, rather than the ball. So much for wearing my best dress.
I glanced at the mud under my boots and frowned as water pooled around my toes. It had finally stopped raining, but no sun and no snow. Just mud everywhere. Not exactly the makings for a magical ball like I’d hoped. Though it fit my mood better. Maybe Bishop was right. Maybe Fitz wouldn’t have any room for a friend like me if he had a wife like Sadie.
The thought hurt, maybe even more than it did to see them kiss.
“Do they have to fawn over him like that?” Chantal frowned and elbowed me. “They’re practically dripping off of him. Positively thirsty if you ask me.”
The festival had started a couple hours before, but the crowd had only started to grow within the last hour. We’d all been given assignments by Sadie, something that had rubbed most of the nobles the wrong way. I’d been paired up with Chantal and Gwen to attach the ribbons to the maypole. We’d finished within an hour, but Sadie, Blair, and Esme finished with the bakery display faster. While Esme wound her arm through Fitz’s, Blair and Sadie recounted stories that kept him enthralled and laughing like a fool.
It wasn’t in my nature to be jealous… but there’s a first time for everything.
“Dagny!” Chantal’s voice turned sharp. “Do be careful. I’ll not be unwinding you again.”
Dagny spun around the ribbon, wrapping it tighter around her arm. We’d already untangled her twice. How she’d managed to get wrapped up in it all like a fly in a spider’s web, I would never know. But her whimsical nature left her curious and, despite our warnings, she reached for more of the ribbons that hung from the maypole.
Gwen groaned under her breath. “It’s like nannying a child.”
“Like you’d know,” Chantal quipped back. “You act like they all have the plague.”
“Have you seen them?” Gwen frowned. “Most do.”
Hydraulics released nearby as a bus pulled to a stop on the street. I followed the sound but noted Chantal’s amused grin. “Don’t look now. It looks like the prince invited the entire children’s ward.”
Sure enough, the nurses emerged first. Then children were unloaded one by one, some on their feet, others in wheelchairs, but every one of them was greeted by the queen elect, at least in my eyes, Lady Sadira.
Dagny squawked, but when I checked to be sure she wasn’t in trouble, I realized she’d only decided to pretend to be a bird. Her arms flapped as she ran and tried to use the ribbons to take flight. Normally, I would have found some fun in watching her, but my heart wasn’t in it. It was Christmas Eve, and I was thousands of miles from home. Excuse my bah humbug attitude, but if Fitz didn’t need me, why was I still here?
Chantal rolled her eyes at Dagny, then turned back to us. “Esme consulted the leaves this morning. Bad news, I’m afraid.”
“Leaves?” I asked, no understanding.
Gwen came to my rescue. “Esmerey’s grandmother was a fortune teller. She was blessed with The Sight. She taught Esme to read tea leaves in a cup to divine the day’s events.”
I wasn’t one to bank much clout on that sort of thing, but Nolcovia had awakened a new streak in me. Maybe it was all folklore and superstition, but I found myself waiting for her report.
“You make it sound so average, like it’s learning to build a chair.” Chantal frowned. “Esme has the gift as well, and if you knew what she saw, you wouldn’t be so cavalier.”
“Fine.” Gwen’s arms crossed over her chest. “What did she see this time?”
Chantal’s eyes narrowed, annoyed that Gwen wasn’t giving her the respect she seemed to think she deserved. “She saw the Black Crow.”
If she was expecting Gwen to gasp, she was sorely disappointed. Instead, she scoffed, “You sound like the queen, Chantal.”
“It’s ominous.” Chantal’s face stiffened with warning. “It’s all these changes Leo is making. He’s asking for trouble.”
Yet again, I was in the dark because of a cultural divide.
“What’s the Black Crow?” I asked.
Chantal must have appreciated the faint waver of anxiety in my voice because she turned and explained, “It’s a sign that there will be a great upheaval. Everything we know will be turned on its head.” Mischief sparked to life in her eyes. “It’s the doomsday sign.”
My skin pricked with nervous energy. Doomsday? As in apocalypse? Or maybe civil war? Thudding beats of my heart left my mouth dry and my stomach churning. Was she for real?
“Stop scaring her,” Gwen cautioned. She turned to me and took my shoulders, trying to speak some calm into the turmoil Chantal had created. “It’s bits of leaves in a cup, that’s all.”
Chantal set her hand to my arm, stealing my attention back again. “The last time I heard of a Black Crow being read, we had a fire at the lumber mill. Fifty men were trapped inside.” She waited for me to gulp back my nerves. “My grandmother told me about it being read once when she was a little girl. That day, the great rebelling broke out in Princeborough. Twenty-five people died and the king’s sister was kidnapped and murdered.”
My breathing sped to the point that I became lightheaded. She had to be messing with me. Chantal’s fingers fell away from my arm, one at a time. Her attention fell back on Gwen. “Evil follows the reading. You’ll see.”
It didn’t sound like a warning. More like a promise… or a threat.
Though rattled, Gwen pushed it off. “Well, Esmerey doesn’t look too upset, does she?”
I followed where Gwen’s attention had settled, watching Esmerey and Blair talk with a couple of small girls who’d come off the bus. She had a point. For reading an ominous sign like the one Chantal had described, she didn’t look too concerned. Maybe Chantal really was messing with me.
“Right.” Chantal sniffed at the thought. “More like she’s living life to the fullest while there’s still time.” She started to move away from us but paused long enough to turn back. “Who’s to say this isn’t the day?”
“What day?” Gwen’s brow furrowed with deep wrinkles.
Chantal took a couple steps in reverse, a strange smile on her face. “The day when civil war breaks out.” She took a couple more steps with deeper conviction, disappearing a little more into the crowd with every step. “It could happen after all. And I’m not sure I want to be here when it does.”
“What are you…” Gwen took a step to follow Chantal, but glanced at me, eyes wide with worry. Without another word, she jogged after Chantal, determined to get answers.
This kind of talk left me unsettled. I rubbed my palm over my arm, trying to chase away the chill that had settled over me, but you can’t erase nerves so easily. A nearby band started ticking out the beat to a song. The blast of music shook me and I stumbled backward a step, eyes darting around the growing crowd as if an attack waited just outside my peripheral view. Instinct screamed at me to flee. Chantal was right. If civil war was about to break out, this was the last place I wanted to be.
But could I leave Fitz to fight on his own? I reversed one more step but collided with something hard and immovable. Warm hands cupped around my shoulders, startling me forward. I whirled, fists clenched and ready to fight.
Bishop chuckled under his breath. “Easy, bird, you crashed into me, remember?” When I didn’t relax, his eyebrows elevated higher. “Wee bit skittish, are we?”
I dropped my arms to my sides but in no way did my guard actually come down. “Chantal freaked me out.”
“Ah, yes.” He stepped forward, a teasing smile in place. “I can only imagine the harrowing tales her noble snootiness might tell.” He took on a mocking tone and clapped his cheeks with his palms. “And the lip liner didn’t match my lipstick. Ahhhh!”
I shoved his shoulder even though I appreciated the lighthearted moment. “No. She said Esmerey read the Black Crow in her tea leaves.” I held my breath as I watched for his reaction. Was it really as bad as she’d made it out to be?
“Stuff and nonsense.” Bishop waved it away. “Total rubbish, that is.” He leaned closer as if divulging a secret. “With the right flick of a wrist, I can pull the Black Crow every time. Perfect for convincing a lass that we’re facing apocalyptic doom and one last snog with me might be the ticket to going out happy, yeah?”
Gwen had recently enlightened me on the word, and knowing he used their culture to clock in a make-out session was rather deplorable.
“You’re the worst.” I shook my head and crossed my arms, though at least I felt better knowing the reading could be false.
“Perhaps,” Bishop agreed. “But I’m good at it.” He nudged me with his elbow. “Now then, tell me why you’re over here, when he’s way over there.”
I turned toward Fitz and the others. Esmerey still hung off his arm, and Sadie was the shining star with three children clinging to her dress. Well, actually, my dress.
“He looks busy.” For only three words, I knew they carried a lot more than a declaration of Fitz’s current state.
He looks like he doesn’t need me.
He looks over me.
He looks like he’s falling in love with someone else.
Undeterred, Bishop moved closer. “He looks entertained, but certainly not busy, and definitely not anyone he wouldn’t drop for you.”
“I’m not sure.” I couldn’t explain how I knew, but I also didn’t want to carry my secret on my own anymore. “I saw him kiss Sadie.”
A part of me expected a gasp from my co-conspirator. I definitely didn’t expect him to scoff like it was nothing.
“So? If I was in his shoes, I’d be on my third round by now. Tasting every flavor in the candy shop, so to speak.”
I frowned at Bishop. “You’re despicable.”
“Predictable, perhaps. But I’m human. Don’t set out a buffet and assume I’ll stick to the steamed veg.” When I rolled my eyes and turned away, obviously unsatisfied, Bishop groaned. “All I’m saying is so what? He may have kissed her, but what you have is bigger, isn’t it?”
Fitz must have felt my stare because his head popped up and our eyes locked, despite the growing crowd that separated us. The weight between us remained, a barrier that forced us to hold back, but Bishop was right, more than what kept us apart, I felt what had joined us together for years.
“I sure hope it is, Bishop.” Because the thought of losing him wasn’t something I could face.
Fitz
I smiled until my cheeks began to hurt and then I kept smiling past that. I couldn’t let it show how nervous I felt in the midst of all these people. My people. What kind of king would I make if I were afraid to set foot in their presence? No, I’d resolved before the festival started that I wouldn’t let fear win.
A corpse before you’re ever a king.
The haunting words echoed through my mind, driving my heart rate up. I glanced at my lead bodyguard, but nothing about his stature hinted at trouble. It was in my head.
“A moment, please.” I felt like I’d been stuck in a cage of muscles and concealed weapons with the way my security team stuck to me. “At ease.”
Though I commanded it, they didn’t listen. Not at first. I missed Kabir. I’d loaned him out to cover Coco during her time in the country, but we had a certain understanding when it came to events like these. He never corralled me, but at no point was I ever in danger. At least I knew Michaela had the same level of protection.
“Pardon.” I glared at the guard nearest me and dared him to defy me. With a nod of his head, he stepped out of the way. Their protection was definitely appreciated, but I hated looking scared. I understood the risks of coming into the city square, but if the people were feeling the disconnect between the crown and their needs, then acting privileged would only deepen that divide.
“Your Highness!” A small boy in an oversized plastic crown sprinted toward me, brimming with excitement. “Your Highness! Please, wait!”
I turned to face him, fully intending to give him my attention, but moments before he was set to crash into my open arms, one of my guards stepped into his path. The boy’s eyes widened with terror as he tried to stop in time. His small body crashed against the guard’s legs, and I feared the reaction of not only the gathering crowd, but the guard who peeled him from his leg.
“No one is to approach the Crown Prince without—“
“Unhand him,” I issued the command before he could finish the sentence. “Now, Traxil. I won’t ask again.”
Traxil held the boy by his hood, toes barely touching the ground. “Your Highness, he posed a threat to—“
“He’s a boy,” I scolded. “A small one at that. Release him or surrender your post.”
His meaty hands relinquished the boy’s hood and the small child stumbled back, quick to put space between him and anything that represented monarchy. I clenched my jaw as he melted back into the crowd. This was precisely what I was trying to avoid.
“Go home,” I ordered the guard. “You’re relieved of duty today.”
“Your Highness,” Praxis, my head of security, tried to speak up in his teammate’s defense, “he was merely following protocol. If you would—“
“No.” My tone allowed no room for negotiation. “I’m here to see my people and for my people to see me. Do your jobs accordingly, but do not ever let me see any of you pull something like that again. He was a child.”
Praxis dropped his head forward, but I didn’t miss his words of warning. “Children are tools in the wrong hands, Your Highness.”
I drew in a deep breath and let it seep from between my tight lips. This wasn’t what I wanted, a whole scene in the center of the square. The music had stopped, all eyes were on me. My heart hammered in my chest as adrenaline flooded my veins. Sadie and Blair had disappeared to ready themselves for the maypole dance. My stomach tipped and whirled as my skin crawled. Esmerey had to help them with their dresses and the children’s costumes. The world started to spin like the dance had already begun. My hands turned clammy. Colors blurred together. My mind swirled with panic and anxiety. Sweat beads gathered on my brow. Thoughts wouldn’t mesh. I couldn’t breathe. They were all watching. Everyone expected me to fail. I wasn’t my father. I wasn’t meant to be ki—
“Your Highness,” one soft voice broke through the pandemonium that had erupted in my brain. Her fingers tangled in my suit coat with a gentle tug. “You’re needed by the maypole, if you’re available.”
Coco. I locked onto her bright-blue eyes and found sanctuary in the one place that I was always accepted. Always good enough.
“Thank you, Lady Michaela. Yes, let’s press on.” I offered my arm, but it was for my benefit, not hers. She linked hers through mine and fell in step beside me. We walked in silence for at least six steps before I managed a soft, “Thank you.”
“It looked like third period gym class for a second when Coach Amberton said you had to climb the rope or fail.”
“Sadly, I would take that tyrant over losing my mind like that any day.” I tried to shake off the feeling, but it clung with surprising strength. “I’m not even sure what happened.”
“It’s going around.” She didn’t offer any further explanation, but by the haunted expression she wore, I had to wonder. “They really do need you over here. I think they want to add you to the routine or something.”
“Probably Sadira’s idea.” I smiled at the thought of her. “She’s quite adept at all this planning, isn’t she?”
“Practically a genius.”
My steps slowed at the ice I felt from her words. “I thought you liked her.”
“I do.” It was the forced tone she used when she tried to assure her mother that the dress she was wearing wasn’t too tight. Total lie. “She’s perfect, isn’t she? Absolutely smashing.”
Her attempt to copy my accent brought a smile to my face. “If there’s something wrong with her…”
Coco shook her head to urge me away from the topic. “Seriously, Fitz, she’s great.” She drew in a quick breath and released it immediately. “You know me, just a little protective.”
I knocked into her lightly as we walked. “One of your best qualities in my opinion.”
The silver pole dripping in ribbons of every color rose up in the distance. It was typically a springtime tradition, but hearing Sadie talk about the dances they’d done, I couldn’t help it. With all the dreary weather we’d had, I was ready for some promise of color and hope.
“She’s blooming, you know?” I spoke of Sadie. “Opening up and showing me her real heart.”
“She must feel safe with you.”
“I hope so.” I thought of how she used to pull away from me, but in the last few days everything had changed. “She’s one of the people, but also regal in her own way. I think she’d make a good queen.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Coco’s fingers swipe quickly at her eye, as if to wipe something away. “I’m happy for you. It sounds like it’s been a whirlwind romance.”
“I meant to speak to you sooner.” I’d neglected my promise to talk with her, but plans for the festival had taken priority for days. I heard complaints from every other woman in the competition about how much time Sadie had taken from them, but Michaela stayed silent. I suppose I hoped she understood, but the chill that rolled off of her had me wondering if I’d read her wrong. “I know it’s hard to be away from home today.”
Her lips pressed together, but she refused to give me her gaze. Instead, she looked off into the sea of tents, pretending to be intrigued by the bags and baskets, the chocolates and spices in barrels with merchants shouting for attention on every side.
“I knew it could happen. I’ll call Mom later tonight.”
I’d been avoiding this next part. In truth, it was the real reason I’d been keeping my distance. It took days to work up the moral fortitude to even consider voicing the words.
“About that.” I brought us to a stop, maypole still a good twenty feet off, but close enough that they could retrieve me if they needed me. “We’ll have a choosing ceremony when we get back to the palace tonight.”
“Okay.” She faced me, confused.
My stomach clenched. I looked down at my feet, hating every part of this. “Tonight, I plan to let three more go. Dagny, Esmerey, and…” I forced myself to look up, “you.”
Her lips parted as the shock took hold. Emotion welled in her eyes. As if I were suddenly repulsive, she pulled her arm away from mine and bowed her head. “As you wish, Your Highness.”
This was the last thing I wanted, things formal between us. “It’s not like that, Coco. But I know what I want now and that’s because of you.”
Her head bobbed with a little nod as she looked away from me. “I understand.”
I glanced right, then left, cautiously checking for prying eyes and ears, but even with all the people around us, casual glances were all we’d earned. “I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know that.”
“Yep.” She pressed her lips together, but the tremble remained. “Mom will be happy to have me home.”
I wanted to ask if she would be happier there, or if she would miss Nolcovia, but I lacked the courage. Either answer had the power to break me. I had to be strong. I wanted to take her by the shoulders and confess how unfair this was, to find the one I loved, the one my soul belonged to, and then have to send her away, but the longer I kept her here, the more confused my mind became.
“One question.” Those bright-blue eyes locked on mine again, stealing my breath for a moment and erasing every other person in the square. “Do you regret it, Fitz?”
Once more, I couldn’t breathe. I searched her face, looking for the answer she needed. If only I could give it. She deserved peace and closure, and all I had left was heartache.
“Regret would be the wrong word.” Pain laced my heart. Admitting how I felt would only make it hurt more. “Having you here,” my throat tightened as emotion rose in my chest like a river that couldn’t be controlled, “is the greatest gift you could have ever given me. It’s been a dream having my best friend beside me.”
“Is that what I am, Fitz? Your best friend?”
Oh, to be able to decipher the meaning behind her expression. Hopeful, eager, curious, and yet warm and inviting. I wanted to sink into her, pull her close, never let her go. My fingers linked with hers, wishing I could tug her toward me but knowing we couldn’t afford it, not for appearance’s sake and not for the pain it would cause us having to let go again.
“You,” my voice trembled with all the passion I couldn’t relay, “are everything, Coco. Absolutely everything to me.”
Confessions sat perched on the end of my tongue. All I wanted. All that I wished could happen. Sadie was interesting and held my attention, beautiful and sweet while remaining strong and decisive in her own way. But Michaela…
Michaela made the world pale just by existing. Nothing could compare to her, and everything else came up short against what I felt for her. But I couldn’t give into the pull to deny the crown, not now when my father needed me the most. Maybe if things were different, maybe if I didn’t have—
I couldn’t even entertain the thoughts.
“That’s why I have to leave, isn’t it?” Her simple question broke my heart. I’d hoped to keep it from her, the depths of my feelings, and yet she saw it. Of course, she did. She forced a smile on her face, but it quivered like her muscles rebelled against her fake emotions. “It’s okay, Fitz. I understand.”
She started to pull away, but I tightened my grip on her hand. Curiosity billowed up in her eyes as she turned back to face me. “What is it?”
“Do you?” I wished I could finish the question. Do you love me like I love you? But knowing the answer would only make everything hurt more. If she didn’t, I might never recover. If she did, I would never forgive myself for walking away. I had to ask something else. “Do you regret it?”
Emotions flashed across her face in rapid succession. Surprise, fear, pain, and then the faintest most delicate smile edged at her perfect lips. Drawing closer, her arm wrapped around the back of my neck as her lips pressed against my cheek, giving me an answer without ever speaking a word. “Not a single day,” she whispered against my skin. “Not a single moment.”
I heard someone calling for me, but the world outside of us was nothing. My heart demanded I stay with her. That I tune it all out and become the man she needed me to be. But slowly, she slipped free of my grip.
“Goodbye, Fitz.”
Before I could call out to her, she vanished into the crowd. Leaving my whisper unheard.
“Goodbye, Coco. Michaela, my love.”