Chapter 17 A Master Of Control
A MASTER OF CONTROL
LILY
The dominance behind Sebastian’s kiss is all-consuming.
He steals my breath and my body melts into his, my lips parting of their own volition when he demands access to my mouth with a swipe of his tongue.
Strong arms wrap around my back, erasing the distance between our bodies, while a hand winds its way into my hair.
Wrapping it around his fist, he gently tugs my head back enough to claim my mouth entirely.
Only one man has kissed me like this. I don’t know that anyone else has the ability to kiss like this. It’s like he demands full control over every part of me, and my body is more than willing to hand it over to him.
A moan claws its way up my throat, which surprises me.
When kissing Joseph, I never uttered a sound.
There was no enjoyment in any form of sexual activity with him for me.
Only indifference at best. More often than not, though…
It was laced with anger and pain. It’s why I’ve not believed it was possible for women to enjoy sex in the same way as men do.
But all it takes is one kiss from Sebastian and my libido has gone into overdrive.
I want him to own me. To take control of my body and show me exactly how good it can be.
Moments later, he pulls away, breathing hard as he takes a full step back.
Creating space between our bodies that I don’t want or need. I need him to take me, right here, right now. I need him to throw me onto the kitchen counter and fuck me like I belong to him.
His face is lined with shock as he stares at me - like he can’t believe what he just did.
“I’m sorry,” he says, stepping around me.
As though he can’t get away from me fast enough.
“Why are you sorry?” I ask, turning, my voice slightly shaky as nervous energy runs through my body.
He runs his hand through his hair, and I can’t look away from his abs, the overwhelming need to lick them stunning me.
What the hell happened to me last night?
The desire to lick anyone has never entered my mind before. It’s as if witnessing that erotic act has unleashed a torrent of desires I never even knew I had.
But Sebastian has never been just anyone to me.
Shaking his head, there’s no sign of the usual mask of calm on his face. “I don’t know what just happened.” His brows knit together, as though he’s trying to solve an impossible riddle and getting absolutely nowhere.
“You kissed me. That’s what happened.” I try to lighten the mood with a smile.
His gaze narrows. “That’s not how things work for me, Lily.”
Guess we won’t be using humour to get out of this one, then.
I raise an eyebrow. “You don’t kiss?”
Sighing, he grips the back of his neck with his hand, and my eyes fall to his abs once again.
He’s really gotta stop doing things that make those defined ridges even more prominent, cause it is not helping my out of control libido right now.
“I kiss my partners, but everything I do… It’s about control.
Not control like what he did to you, which I honestly can’t even think about right now, because I may very well punch something if I do.
But when… I don’t have sex for my own release with most people.
I don’t form emotional attachments with the people I interact with.
The closest I’ve come is with…” his words trail off, a troubled look on his face.
“You’re going to have to tell me what Annika told you, because I don’t want to divulge any information that isn’t just mine to tell. ”
Taking a deep breath, I search his face, taking in the emotions swirling across his features.
My libido is going to have to calm the fuck down, because it’s obviously not getting what it’s craving right now.
He’s clearly too off-balance, which is also throwing me off, because I’ve never seen him so stressed like this before.
Actually… I’ve never seen him stressed, full stop.
“She said you have an arrangement with Imogen. And that you sleep with the sex workers when they ask you to help relieve the tension if they’ve been left unfulfilled after sleeping with a client.
She said that people come to you because…
” Although a blush is easing it’s way up my neck, I force myself to keep going.
Can’t very well expect him to fuck me if I can’t even talk about what I want from him.
“Because you are a master of control and know what people need more than they do. She said that you’re a dominant. ”
He studies me for a few beats, his expression almost blank now. Like his brain has just shut down. Which it probably has, because this is the rawest conversation we’ve ever had.
“Okay. So she told you everything. Remind me to have a word with her, because she had no right to go into such detail.”
“No, I won’t be reminding you of that, because someone needed to be honest with me. And she respected me enough to answer my questions,” I reply with a shake of my head.
A muscle in his jaw twitches as he glowers at me. “It was none of your business, Lily. It had nothing to do with being honest with you, or about respecting you. Do you expect everyone to tell you about their sex lives?”
Gritting my teeth at the accusation in his tone, I cross my arms and glare back at him.
“It became my business when I was brought into this world. Or better yet, it became my business when you told me not to expect people to change how they live their lives while I’m here.
But if I didn’t know what that meant, how are they expected to be comfortable around me?
It’s obviously why you’ve been avoiding me for weeks, because you’re scared to be yourself around me. ”
Letting out a long breath while he stares up at the ceiling, his throat bobs as he swallows, and I can tell he’s trying to compose himself.
Before my marriage, we’d only had one conversation like this. The last conversation we’d had for over eight years. He’d always kept me at arm’s length, but that night, he’d been a mess.
The night I told him Joseph had proposed.
I never let myself think about that night. Because the radio silence afterwards nearly broke me.
But it’s fascinating to see him exhibit true human emotion, and I shouldn’t be as turned on as I am in this moment. But after years of denying how much I’m attracted to him, it’s like something inside me has been unleashed now, and I can’t turn it off.
“That’s not… I haven’t been avoiding you.”
Even if I didn’t know him so well, I’d know he was lying. His tone has shifted, and although he’s brought his gaze back down from the ceiling, he seems unable to look me right in the eye.
“Please don’t insult me by continuing to lie about that, Sebastian. It’s more than obvious that you can’t handle being around me when we’re alone.”
“Because I don’t know what to say to you! I don’t know how to act around you! Not after that night!” he bursts out, his eyes blazing. “It’s been eight years, Lily. Things are different now.”
My breath hitches as I search his face. Neither of us has mentioned that night in the weeks we’ve been back in each others lives. Like we’re both trying to pretend it didn’t happen. That our friendship didn’t end because of it.
Deciding not to acknowledge that part of his outburst, I focus on the last part of his statement. “In what way? Because I’ve been treated like a human punching bag for that entire time?” I snap back.
“Because I should have been there to protect you. I should have never let him near you. It’s my fault.” His voice has grown louder, until he’s almost yelling, and I can see the anguish mixed with the frustration.
Stunned at his outburst, I shake my head. “You didn’t make him hit me. I wasn’t your responsibility.”
He scowls. “Oh I know. You made that perfectly clear.”
I push on, determined not to get drawn into reminiscing about that conversation. “I was a grown woman when I let him whisper the lies in my ear. Are you saying it’s my fault for what happened to me?”
His eyes widen as horror washes over his face. “Of course not.”
Exasperation takes over as I throw my hands up in the air.
“Then why is it your fault? It’s not like you placed me in front of him and said ‘here you go, have at it’.
You warned me that I was getting in over my head by entering into a relationship with him, and it was my choice what I did from there.
If I’m able to understand that I didn’t deserve what he did to me, despite living through the physical abuse and his mental games, than you can damn well accept that neither of us are to blame for his actions. ”
Silence falls over us both while we stare at each other. Unable to tell if my words have sunk in for him, I have no idea what else I can say on the matter.
Eventually, he shakes his head. “I just… I need to process all of this.”
My shoulders drop as I nod. “Okay.”
Staring at me for a few moments longer, he finally turns away. “I’ll just… I’ll speak to you in the morning.”
“Okay,” I say.
Guess I’m back to one word answers with this man.
With all my cards laid out on the table, it’s up to him now what he does with them.
When he hesitates, for a brief, hopeful, second, I think maybe he’s going to throw caution to the wind. That he’ll turn around and ravish me like I so desperately want.
But he finally just shakes his head again and walks into his bedroom, shutting the door gently behind him.