Chapter 19 Don’t Know If I Can Give You What You Want
DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT
LILY
Drawing in a sharp breath, I hold Sebastian’s gaze, seeing the pain behind his eyes.
As Joseph’s true character came to light, I’d never understood how Sebastian had come to be friends with him.
Joseph is ten years older than Sebastian and comes from a very wealthy family with a lot of influence.
Not only within Sydney, but the entire country.
With his eyes set on the nations top job, it wasn’t until after we’d married that I found out just how corrupt he was.
But he’d already taken away my autonomy by then.
And no one would ever believe the doe-eyed twenty-four-year old bride that everyone assumed was a gold digger after his money.
His parents certainly didn’t know what an awful man they’d raised.
He put on a very good act for the public, pretending to be all about the community and regularly attending church.
Anything in the pursuit of his true goal of becoming Prime Minister one day.
But now it all makes sense. Joseph most likely used Sebastian, hoping to gain access to his money and influence. I’d heard more than one highly illegal business arrangement take place within the walls of our home. How no one has worked out how corrupt he is truly baffles me.
I tighten my grip on Sebastian’s hand. “I don’t want to rehash the argument from before, Sebastian.
No matter what you believe, you had no control over what happened with me and Joseph.
The minute my father discovered Joseph’s interest in me, it was game over.
What better way for a property developer to make his millions than get in with the man in charge of signing off on projects?
I always knew I’d end up a pawn for him to climb the ladder. It’s what I was born for.”
Sebastian’s jaw muscle tightens. “That night -” He pauses, and I hold my breath, wondering if we’re about to discuss what happened that last night.
The conversation we’ve avoided for weeks now.
He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. “That was the reason I came to you that night. That I begged you not to marry him.”
I nod. “I know. I didn’t understand at the time. And after what happened, I kind of didn’t think about that part of the conversation.”
He looks away for a moment, before his eyes meet mine again. “You mean the part where we kissed, and then never spoke to one another again?”
That kiss had left me so confused. Elated to finally feel his lips on mine. Horrified that I was kissing someone who wasn’t my fiancé. And it left me questioning everything I’d ever thought was real.
“Yes. That part of the conversation.”
“From the message you sent me afterwards, I figured it had no impact on you and you’d never think about it again.”
Frowning, I think back to that night, and the days following. “What message?”
“The one where you informed me that there was no longer any place for me in your life.”
I stare at him, stunned. “I never sent you a message. Especially not one like that.”
“It wasn’t the sort of message one simply forgets sending,” he says, his expression hardening.
I grip his hand tighter. “Sebastian. I never sent you any message. I thought… after I never heard from you again, I assumed you hated me.”
“I could never hate you. And when I got that message… it broke me. So if you didn’t send it, then…”
We study each other quietly, as the pieces fall into place. “Joseph…” I whisper.
With a devastated expression on his face, he lets out a breath. “I guess that was the start of him cutting everyone out of your life that would have issues with your relationship.”
I swallow, emotions swirling in my stomach.
I can’t allow myself to think about it. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if Sebastian hadn’t pulled away. That he hadn’t believed that I would end our friendship that way. That he believed the kiss that has plagued my thoughts a thousand times hadn’t consumed me.
Summoning up my courage, I turn the subject back to what happened earlier, which seems safer. “Why did you come in here, after telling me you needed time to process what I’d asked for?”
His eyes flare slightly. “I heard the vibrator through the wall. Turns out, they used rather flimsy material during the renovations when I had this place redesigned,” he says with a slight smirk.
“Ah,” I reply, feeling my cheeks grow warm again.
“You really need to work out how to talk about sex without growing embarrassed if you want to explore your limits,” he replies, the smirk growing.
I narrow my eyes as I look at him. “Hey, give me a break. It’s only been like two hours since I spoke to Annika about all of this.” I hesitate before continuing. “Does this mean you’ll help me?”
He sighs, gripping the back of his neck while he looks to the ceiling for a few moments. “I don’t know if this is such a good idea, Lily. Things between us…”
I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t seem to know how to finish that sentence. If I was a better person, I’d let him off the hook. But for once, I’m going to be selfish.
“Things between us what, Sebastian?”
He pulls his gaze back down from the ceiling. “I don’t know if I can give you what you want, Lily.”
Sensing he’s not referring to my request to help learn what I like, I tighten my grip on the hand at his side once more.
“What is it you think I want? Because all I asked for was for you to do what you have done for others in the past.”
That jaw muscle flutters again as he holds my gaze. “Do you truly believe that, Lily? Because I know how you feel about me. And I don’t think I am capable of being the man you believe I am.”
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to be honest with him about my feelings for the first time since I met him.
“I will admit that things between us have always been complicated. I know you only saw me as Daniel’s innocent little friend who you needed to protect from the big bad world.
” His expression shifts for a fraction of a second, so quickly that I assume I just imagined the disbelief I’d seen there.
So I force myself to continue to be vulnerable.
“Yes, I had feelings for you. And yes, those feelings may still exist. But I’ve just come out of a really shitty marriage.
A conventional relationship is the last thing I want or need right now. ”
He studies me with a dubious expression before replying. “I won’t be responsible for corrupting you, Lily. I would ruin you.”
“Do you truly believe that what you do is corrupting people? Because before you were waxing lyrical about how women rarely get to experience sex like men do and how it’s such a crime.”
I can tell my words have an impact when he pauses, his expression thoughtful.
Emboldened, I sit up abruptly, sliding my leg over him and straddling his lap, forcing him to move backwards slightly on the mattress.
His hands fall to my hips, even while he stares at me with wide eyes, and I link my hands behind his neck.
“What if I want you to fuck me like you fucked Imogen last night?” His sharp inhale urges me to keep talking.
“What if I want to be there the next time you fuck Cam?” I circle my hips a little, feeling his cock harden, right beneath my clit.
“What if I want you to tell me to go down on Annika?” I grind down, watching the muscle in his jaw flutter.
“What if I want all of that?” I bring my lips to his ear as I rock my hips, knowing his resolve is crumbling as his hands grip my hips.
“What if I want you to ruin me, Sebastian DeLuca?”
His growl in reply is all I need to know I’ve won.
He turns his head abruptly, one hand moving upwards at lightening speed to grip the back of my head to hold me still as his mouth claims mine once more.
I continue to rock against him as he wraps my hair around his fist again. A moment later, the hand still on my hip clamps down, forcing me to stop moving.
Pulling away, he fixes me with a steely gaze filled with determination.
“If we’re going to do this, Lily St Clair, you will follow my rules.
” He continues to hold me captive with those penetrating blue eyes, his grip on my hair tightening.
“When we are together, I control when and how you come. You will understand that we cannot blur the lines between the physical or the emotional.” He pauses, his eyes hardening, and I nod once I realise he’s waiting for me to acknowledge his words.
“You will understand that I won’t stop fucking other people.
And I won’t expect you to be loyal to only me.
If you want to fuck other people, you can fuck other people.
I don’t do monogamy. There is no place for it in my world. ”
I’m sure he expected those words to be a deal breaker for me, but instead, it just excites me.
The idea that I can seek out others without a trace of guilt?
Yeah, that’s pretty fucking hot.
His eyebrows lift slightly when I nod again. “I’m serious, Lily.”
“I know you are. And I agree to your terms.”
He studies me a little longer. Most likely trying to work out if I’m being truly honest with him. And myself.
With a boldness I never knew I was capable of, I lift his hand from my hip, sliding it over until his hand cups my pussy through my lace underwear.
“Feel how wet I am right now.” His gaze flares again, and he slips his finger beneath fabric, swiping it through my pussy where I’m ridiculously wet.
“Some of that is from my workout with the vibrator, but the rest of it? You did that, when you said I could sleep with other people. I wasn’t lying.
When I saw you all last night, I came back here and touched myself.
It wasn’t just you I wanted. I wanted you all.
Except maybe Cam, because I’ve never met him,” I add, and Sebastian chuckles as he slides that finger inside me, and I groan.
“You’d like to experiment with Imogen, and Annika, too, then?” he asks as he moves his hand slowly back and forth, pushing his finger in further each time.
My breath hitches as I nod, needing him to move his hand faster.
“I’m sure they will be more than happy to oblige.
” He keeps his gaze locked on mine as he continues fucking me slowly with his hand, adding a second, then third finger, before pressing his thumb to my clit.
“I’m sure Annika would love to slide her tongue deep into this tight little pussy.
” I moan, and he chuckles darkly a moment later.
“Oh yes, you really do like that, don’t you?
You’re practically dripping at the mere thought of it.
” Mercifully, he begins to move his hand faster.
“What are your boundaries, Lily? Do you need a safe word? Or are you content to let me push you to find your true comfort levels?”
I struggle to form a coherent thought while my arousal builds higher and higher with every expert thrust of his fingers.
He tugs my hair, not to the point of pain, but enough to get my attention. “Answer me.”
I inhale, forcing my head to clear. “I’m happy to give you full control.”
His smile turns wicked, and he slides his fingers out, but continues to roll his thumb over my clit. His finger slides back and circles my arsehole. “How about this? Is this too far for you?” The moisture on his fingers acts as lube while he rubs his finger over the tight hole.
I moan, and his eyes light up. “Beautiful… And if I do this?” He slips the tip of his finger in a fraction, and a groan works its way up my throat as he continues to hold my head still, forcing me to hold his gaze. “Does the idea of my cock here excite you, Angel?”
That name sends a shiver through me. Or maybe it’s the thought of him sliding himself in where no one else has ever been before.
“Yes, sir,” I murmur.
I hadn’t meant to call him that. Had no idea why I did.
But it’s obvious I’ve said some sort of magic word, because the dominance behind his eyes ramps right up, and he pushes his finger all the way inside.
The sudden intrusion causes me to take a sharp breath, but it’s followed swiftly by a moan, and his gaze becomes downright sinful while he fucks my arse with his finger.
“How would you like to feel another cock in here while I fuck your tight little cunt, Angel?”
My eyes close slowly as my lips part, another moan escaping from me as his thumb presses harder against my clit.
I don’t know if it’s that or the image of being fucked by him and another man at the same time, but my orgasm shatters over me a second later, and he continues to use his hand to fuck me through it.
“Exquisite, Angel,” he says, his gaze full of pride before he brings his lips to my ear. “We’re going to have so much fun together.”
Fuck… Me…
He lifts me off his lap a moment later, and I’m surprised when he gets up. I’d figured we’d be fucking now.
“Where are you going?”
He gazes down at me for a moment before answering.
“That’s enough for tonight, I think.”
I raise an eyebrow. “But… You didn’t…”
A small smile plays across his lips as he shakes his head. “That’s not how this works. Yes, sometimes we might fuck, but this is about your pleasure, not mine.”
The concept of this not ultimately being about his needs is so foreign to me that I’m almost certain I’ve heard him wrong.
He reaches down to cup my cheek. “I know you’re used to being treated like your needs don’t matter, Lily.
But from now on, you will no longer accept anything other than being treated like the exquisite creature you are.
Do you understand? Whether it’s when you’re with me, or with any one else.
Your needs will never come second again. ”
I’m too stunned to reply, so all I can do is nod, watching silently as he turns and walks back out of the room.