Chapter 21 No Time Line On Getting Your Old Self Back
NO TIME LINE ON GETTING YOUR OLD SELF BACK
LILY
The gym is empty when I walk in, and the space has a lonely feel to it. I’ve been down a few times with Annika to do yoga or walk on the treadmill, but I’ve not explored the equipment any further.
I wasn’t lying when I’d told Sebastian I hadn’t even noticed the little room that is off the main space, but as soon as Annika had shown it to me last night, I’d realised it would be perfect for choreography.
She’d explained that a previous sex worker had also been a pole dancer, and they sometimes incorporated them into the club nights to put on a very risqué show.
But since she’d moved to the Melbourne club, it’s remained unused.
The pole is still fixed in place in the centre of the room, and three of the walls are mirrored.
While the pole being in the centre of the room isn’t exactly ideal, perhaps I can incorporate it into some routines.
Or, hell… maybe I could learn how to pole dance.
The lights blink to life when I walk in, and I pause, not having noticed last night that they were attached to a motion sensor.
A sound system sits in the corner, and I wander over, hoping it’s fairly easy to use.
Once I work out how to hook it up to my phone, I scroll through some of my old favourite songs, and as each minute passes, a lump forms in my throat.
I’d been so excited in the early hours of the morning as I imagined getting in here and having the music flow into me.
It used to be almost an extension of my body, and as soon as I’d hear a song that I loved, an entire routine would burst into my mind.
I’d let it take over, pouring myself into it for hours and days until it was exactly as I’d imagined.
But after I’d met Joseph, dancing was ripped away from me. I was no longer allowed to feel joy in anything, especially not something he perceived to be immoral. And now… Now there’s no images running through my mind. It’s like all my creativity has dried up after years of being worn down.
The optimism I had felt last night starts to wane, and before I know it, I’m sitting on the floor leaning against the pole with my head on my knees and tears streaming down my face.
“Lily?” I look up to find Annika standing at the door with a concerned expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, wiping the tears away. “Just realised all my creativity is gone. Who was I kidding? I haven’t danced in over eight years, as if I can just step back into it now. I’m too old. I have no business in believing I have the talent to teach anyone else how to dance.”
She narrows her gaze and stalks towards me. “No.”
I squint up at her as she comes to a stop in front of me with her hands on her hips. “What do you mean, no?”
“No, we’re not doing this. Get up.” She bends to take both my hands and pulls me to my feet.
“Not doing what?”
“Letting that arsehole win. You are not too old, but of course it’s going to take you some time to get back to how you used to be.
So rather than trying to come up with new routines straight away, why not try some of your old ones?
Do you remember any of them?” She shoots me a smile while I deliberate over her suggestion.
“Um… maybe… It’s just been so long.”
She cocks her head to the side, studying me for a moment. “How many years were you dancing before you decided you wanted to teach?”
I think for a second, trying to do the math. “I was dancing for as long as I could remember. Ballet first, and then modern dance, tap and jazz… I realised I wanted to teach from around sixteen, I think. Around when I met the guys.”
She nods. “Okay. But you had years of daily practice behind you, right? So why do you think you should be able to immediately walk back into it at the same level you used to be at? It’s been nearly a decade, Lily.
It’s not going to come back overnight. It’s something you need to practice, over and over. ”
What she’s saying makes sense, but my default setting these days is to automatically believe the worst of myself, and that’s not something that can be undone in the space of one night.
Sighing, I nod. “I guess you’re right.”
She laughs. “You guess I’m right? Woman, I am always right.
” She pulls me in for a hug. “Now, you’re going to go and find a song that you used to absolutely love and focus on the routine you did to it.
Don’t try to come up with anything new. Just focus on getting your body moving again.
And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right the first few thousand times.
This is meant to be fun. There’s no time line on getting your old self back, remember? ”
I let myself draw comfort from her embrace for a few moments, breathing in her flowery perfume, before stepping back and nodding. “You could be a motivational speaker. You know that, right?”
She grins. “And deny people of all this?” She runs a hand down her curves, and my eyes follow the movement. “I mean, I guess I kind of am in the motivational space… But I don’t do a whole lot of talking.” She winks.
I choke on a laugh, and her grin grows wider. “And speaking of… Sebastian mentioned he’s agreed to help you.” Her smile turns to a smirk when I blush. “Well now you have to tell me all the details.”
I gape at her for a moment. “I can’t tell you that!”
She shrugs. “Why not? I mean, I can you give you the details about how he just gave me a good punishing for being a brat if you want?”
I halt in the process of shaking my head, feeling my eyes go wide. “What do you mean, he punished you?”
She hesitates, studying my face. “Shit, poor choice of words. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” I guess my face must show how unnerved I am at the idea of of Sebastian yelling at her… or worse.
“What did you mean?”
She seems to be trying to work out the right thing to say, and takes longer to answer than usual. “So… I like being spanked.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You like being hit?” I ask, not even bothering to hide the incredulity in my tone.
She holds up a finger. “No. I like being spanked during sex. There’s a difference.”
“How so?”
“Well, for one thing, Sebastian doesn’t get off on smacking me around.
He only spanks me, and it’s only because I told him that I like it.
He’s never spanked Imogen, not properly…
Which is a good thing, cause she’d probably kick him in the balls.
I find it arousing. Maybe I’m weird, but we’ve all got our kinks, and being spanked is mine.
Being told I’m a brat and a naughty girl…
I don’t know, it just does something for me.
” A little shiver runs through her, which I find fascinating.
After years spent as Joseph’s human punching bag, I couldn’t imagine ever welcoming someone hitting me, even if it was just for show.
“I also just get off on winding him right up. It’s fun to get under that mask of control, and I’m really good at it. ” She grins.
“So you asked him to punish you?”
She shrugs. “I went in to his office to ask him if he agreed to help you and could see how pissed he still was about me ‘interfering’ last night,” she says, using air quotes.
“So I kept on pushing to get him fired up, and it worked. Spanking, face fucking and being bent over his desk. We both got what we needed.”
I mull over her words for a moment, trying to work out if I’m jealous or not. But just like the night I’d seen them all together, I’m turned on at the idea of seeing them together.
“What’s going through that pretty blonde head right now?” she asks warily. “Oh god, have I upset you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“You’re not jealous that he fucked me the morning after he agreed to help you?” She runs her gaze over my face.
“No, it’s not that.”
“Have I freaked you out about the spanking?”
I give a little laugh as I place a hand on her arm.
“Calm down. I’m just trying to process my feelings about it all.
Sebastian and I discussed our arrangement and he explicitly told me he doesn’t do monogamy.
Which I am fine with. More than fine with, actually.
After years of being abused if I so much as looked at another man, the idea of sleeping with someone who doesn’t think of me as his possession is refreshing. ”
“So what’s going on in your head, then?” she asks, clearly confused.
“I think… I think I was turned on by the picture you just put into my head,” I say quickly, blurting out the words before I lose my nerve.
Her eyes widen, and a grin slowly spreads across her face. “Oooohhhh… So you like to watch?”
There’s no judgement in her tone, which emboldens me to nod. “Yeah… I think I do. I mean… look, I’m not gonna lie. I definitely have confusing feelings towards Sebastian.”
She nods. “Understandable. Continue,” she adds, waving her hand.
“But… it wasn’t just him that had me feeling all… weird… that night.”
She grins. “Translation. You were horny as fuck, but it wasn’t just from seeing Sebastian naked. You liked watching all of us.”
I sigh. “You’re really enjoying this far too much.”
She cackles. “You have no idea how much I’m enjoying this. So, spanking aside, which I completely get is not for you, you’d be up for watching Sebastian punish me sometime?”
I wonder if there is anything that fazes this woman? My cheeks are basically on fire at this point, while she’s cool as a cucumber, asking if I want to watch her get fucked by the guy I have fuzzy feelings for. This is all like something out of the twilight zone.
I clear my throat. “Um… yes?”
She keeps on grinning, like I’ve just given her the best gift. “Good to know. So when we were talking last night, what other stuff was going through your head? Is it only watching, or… would you be into group activities? Or maybe some girl on girl action?”
I bury my face into my hands, and she cackles again. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“You’re the worst,” I mutter into my hands.
“Lies. I’m awesome. I’ll stop embarrassing you now. But I’ll be scheming.”
I sigh and lift my head. “Something tells me you’re never not scheming, Annika James.”
She giggles. “You know me so well.” She heads towards the door, smacking my butt on the way past, causing me to jump. “Now get dancing woman.”
“Yes ma’am.”
She stops, turning to look over her shoulder with a sultry smile. “Oh, I like that!” And then continues on out the door.
There’s really nothing more I can do but shake my head at this point.
And once she’s gone, I find my old favourite song and work on remembering the routine I once created for it, welcoming the way the music flows through me once again.