Chapter 34 Wouldn’t Just Be Fucking
WOULDN’T JUST BE FUCKING
LILY
Finding the book I was reading earlier, I curl up on one of the couches, ready to settle in.
“What happened down there?” Sebastian says from the doorway, startling me.
“Nothing. I just… I just didn’t want anyone to feel like they couldn’t be themselves around me.”
“Why did you feel like they couldn’t be themselves around you?” He leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms, studying me closely, his expression unreadable.
I bite my lower lip, trying to find the right words. “Annika mentioned that sometimes at movie nights, things happen between everyone. But that wouldn’t happen tonight because Cam and I were there, because you wouldn’t want them all to… you know.”
He’s quiet for a moment, a pensive look on his face as he continues to run his eyes over my face.
“If they had wanted to do something, they would do it. I’m not their keeper.”
I close the book, holding it in my lap as I shake my head.
“No, but you’re their boss. And I don’t work here.
I know that aside from Annika and Imogen, the rest of them don’t really know why I’m here, so they probably don’t know how to act around me.
I didn’t want to make anyone feel like they can’t do the things they enjoy.
” Lifting my chin, I shoot him a determined look. “Like I might be judging them.”
Something in his expression shifts, and he sighs. “You’re not talking about the others, are you?”
I shrug. “Sebastian. It’s obvious that you think I can’t handle all of this. How you live your life. It’s like you think I’m a child who needs to be protected or something.”
His eyebrows fly upwards. “I do not think you are a child, Lily. Far from it. Would we have done what we did on the weekend if I thought you were a child?”
I groan and slump back in the chair. “Obviously not. But you are running so hot and cold! One minute you’re fingering me in public, or setting up a threesome with a rock star, and the next you’re hiding from me.
It’s obvious there’s an attraction between us.
Why is it you can fuck Imogen and Annika, or any of the rest of them, but you won’t fuck me? ” I demand.
I hadn’t intended for the conversation to take this turn, but I’ve finally worked out what that feeling was earlier when I saw him with Imogen. It wasn’t jealousy.
It was hurt. Hurt that he can fuck all of these other people, but not me. He told me sex for him isn’t about the emotional. So why is he holding back when I’ve made it clear that I want to explore my own sexual desires?
His shoulders tense, and I know my feelings must be showing on my face as his eyes search mine with something that looks like pain in his.
Then he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “Because with us… It wouldn’t just be fucking. And I don’t know if I can handle that,” he says, so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
It takes a moment for his words to sink in, then I feel my eyes widen.
Wait… What?!
My mouth drops open slightly. “Oh…” I murmur.
I think my brain is glitching.
We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, before he shakes his head.
“You are more than welcome downstairs, Lily. Everyone is comfortable with you being here. Just think about it, okay?”
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond as he turns and walks down the hall. Not back downstairs to join the others, but towards his office.
I sit there for a moment, trying to process exactly what his words meant.
He had eluded to having complicated feelings towards me on Saturday night, but I’d never realised what he actually meant by that.
Despite the kiss we’d shared years ago, I’d assumed any complicated feelings on his side were to do with me being so inexperienced and our friendship being put at risk by him helping me.
Sebastian has always treated me with respect but I thought I was nothing more than his brother’s best friend, and therefore he felt like he needed to take care of me, the same as Daniel.
He’s been holding back from fucking me because he’s worried about his own emotions?
I’m on my feet and moving before I have a fully formed plan. I need him to explain. I need to know if, after all these years, these feelings I have aren’t one sided.
“You can’t just say something like that to me and then walk away. What did you mean, it wouldn’t just be fucking?” I demand, storming into his office.
I’m surprised when I don’t find him sitting at his desk.
He stands in front of the window, his body turned away from the door, pouring himself a rather large glass of whiskey from the drinks cart that I’d honestly just thought was decorative.
He isn’t a big drinker - never has been - so to see him pouring such a large glass after our exchange tells me that he’s rattled.
And I want to know why.
He doesn’t turn around immediately, keeping his eyes focused on the glass in front of him. And then he rests both hands on the window sill, sighing as he drops his head down.
“I can’t, Lily.”
I cross my arms and glare at the side of his head, willing him to look at me. “Can’t what? Seriously, Sebastian. I need you to be honest with me right now. I’m getting whiplash from all these mood swings.”
His grip on the window sill tightens, and he lets out a breath. It’s almost like he’s struggling to keep it together, which is so unlike him that I’m worried I’ve pushed him too far.
“You know why,” he finally says, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
He still won’t look at me. As though looking me in the eye would break him.
If I was a less selfish person, I’d stop pushing.
But I need to hear the words from him, no matter how much it might push him over the edge.
“I really don’t. Because last weekend, you told me you don’t do emotions when it comes to sex. I thought that meant you didn’t do feelings, period? And now you’re telling me you can’t fuck me because it wouldn’t just be sex for you?”
He swings around, his eyes blazing, and if it had been anyone else looking at me like this, I would have recoiled.
“I keep hurting you because of who I am.” The anguish in his expression would be heartbreaking if I wasn’t so fucking annoyed.
I raise my chin, refusing to back down. Refusing to allow him to continue to cast himself as the villain in my story.
“The only time you’ve hurt me since you came back into my life was when I realised that you can’t seem to bring yourself to actually be the one fucking me.
Yes, you’ve been responsible for some of the most earth shattering orgasms I’ve ever experienced, but when it comes to the actual act of your cock entering my pussy, you’ve made damn sure that doesn’t happen. ”
“Because if I let myself fuck you, Lily… It will ruin me.” His tone is pleading, despite the fire in his eyes that continues burning as he advances towards me.
“Because everything you’ve been through…
A man like me is the opposite of what you need.
You need someone who will put you first and worship you.
Who can commit himself entirely to you. I don’t work that way, Lily.
I can’t do monogamy, I’m just not wired that way. ”
He stops in front of me and slides his hand along my jaw before weaving his fingers into my hair and gripping the back of my head, forcing me to hold his gaze. Not that I would have been able to look away, even if I wanted to.
“I already told you, I don’t want that,” I tell him, growing frustrated. “Why are you refusing to believe that I know what I want?”
He looks like he’s holding in a growl as the fingers at the back of my head tighten their grip. “Because you have no idea what you are asking.”
“What exactly do you think I’m asking for? I have never once asked for any sort of commitment from you.”
His jaw tenses as those piercing blue eyes bore into mine. “You know exactly what you’re asking, Lily.”
“To fuck me! Just like you fuck Imogen and the rest of them. To help me find what I enjoy. I never asked for something I knew you couldn’t give.”
His gaze remains intense. “I can’t. Not with you.”
“Why?”
His grip tightens further as his eyes scan my face. “Because if I let you in… If I let myself feel… I don’t deserve someone like you, Lily.” His pleading expression is so at odds with the way he’s gripping my hair.
Like he’s fighting an internal battle and is just praying I’ll be the one to walk away.
I reach up to grip his shirt in my fist. “You are a good man, Sebastian DeLuca. And I’m not the damsel in distress you think I am.
” I take a deep breath, preparing myself to be as vulnerable as I can in order for him to finally see sense.
“Do you want to know what I see when I see you? I see a man who sacrifices his own needs daily, putting everyone else’s needs above his own.
For his employees, for his younger brother.
You went back to a man who you knew was abusive in order to secure a future for Daniel.
You could have fallen into that world and left him to survive on his own.
But you didn’t. You took control of the situation and turned it into something amazing.
Because at your very core, you are a protector. ”
“You have only had a glimpse of my life, Lily,” he replies, shaking his head.
“And have I turned away? Have I judged you? No. The only person who is judging your lifestyle is you. The people you surround yourself with all respect you. They all care about you. They are grateful for the world you’ve built here within these walls that allows them to be their true selves.
So why is it good enough for them, but not me? ”
I release his shirt and pull away from him, taking a few steps back to create some distance between our bodies. He remains where he is, his expression once again unreadable.
Studying his face for a moment, I’m hit with a wave of utter exhaustion from the raw emotion I have just allowed to pour out of me after years of keeping it in.
I run a hand through my hair as all the fight drains from me. “I just… I need you to understand that is who I see when I look at you. I don’t see some sort of sex-crazed fiend. I don’t see ‘Sebastian, master of control’. I don’t see the owner of Dark Desires. I see you.”
When he still doesn’t answer, I turn back towards the door, unable to find any more words to give him.
A hand grabs my elbow, and he wrenches me back to face him. I barely have a chance to take a breath before his mouth claims mine in a kiss so all consuming, I lose all ability to think.
He erases all space between our bodies, lifting me off my feet like I weigh nothing. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around him, and his fingers dig into my hips as he pushes me back against the closed office door.
There’s no sign of the master of control right now.
This kiss is different to the one we shared that first night. The only other kiss we’ve shared this week, despite everything else that has happened. That one was dominant and possessing.
This kiss is filled with desperation, as though he’s pouring years of his denial into it. I kiss him back with the same intensity, wondering if it’s possible to move any closer. Because despite the fact that my legs are wrapped around him and he’s pressed up against me, we are still too far apart.
I roll my hips, desperate to create some friction, and he groans against my lips. “Fuck, Lily.”
He thrusts against my core and I gasp.
Is this it? Have I finally gotten through to him?
He begins to move his lips down my neck as his grinds his cock against my clit, and I moan, letting my head fall back against the door.
“Is this what you wanted? For me to lose all control so I’ll fuck you?” he growls against my throat.
I whimper, unable to form words while he continues to create delicious friction right where I need it most.
“You want me to fuck you, Lily? Then I’ll fuck you.
” He pulls me away from the door and turns, placing me on the edge of his desk and reaches beneath my dress to grip the band of my underwear, and I brace my hands on the desk to lift my hips so he can yank them down my legs.
He shoves the lace material into his pocket and grabs a condom from his desk drawer before his fingers find my clit again.
I moan, forcing myself to hold his gaze as the pressure between my legs builds. “Are you angry with me?”
His eyes blaze as he reaches to clasp the back of my head, holding me captive. “I could never be angry with you,” he replies, before claiming my mouth again.
My body shatters, and I moan against his lips.
With one hand still working my clit while the orgasm continues to roll through me, he undoes his belt. It’s only once I’m gasping for breath that he undoes his fly and pulls his cock free, rolling the condom down his shaft with practiced ease.
“This is going to be hard and fast, Lily. Can you handle that?” he asks, and I nod.
Words have once again escaped me, but this time it’s because my brain has glitched from the orgasm he just pulled from me.
“Good.” He grabs my hips and thrusts himself deep into my pussy, his mouth smothering my gasp while he moves a hand to grab the back of my head once more.
This is a side of Sebastian I’m not sure anyone else has seen before, and as he sets a punishing pace, I revel in the knowledge that I’m able to see beneath the mask.
To see the man he’s kept locked away.
And when I come a second time, he lets me drag him over the edge with me, groaning long and low against my lips.
I know we’ve now entered the danger zone.
But I couldn’t turn back even if I wanted to.