Chapter 35 Shouldn’t Have Happened
SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED
SEBASTIAN
As soon as I’ve caught my breath, shame washes over me.
What did I just do?
I ease out of Lily, unable to meet her eye as I discard the condom.
“Sebastian,” she says after a moment, her voice uncertain.
“That shouldn’t have happened, Lily. Not like that,” I reply, keeping my head down as I zip up my fly.
“Sebastian.” Her voice is sturdier now, and I finally look up to find her watching me intently. “I asked you for this.”
I sigh, dragging my hand down my face.
She slides off the desk and moves to stand in front of me, touching my cheek as her eyes search mine.
We stand there for a few heartbeats, holding one another’s gazes. Finally, I shake my head.
“I just…”
She nods, stroking her thumb over my cheekbone as she smiles. “I know. And I told you. I’m never going to ask you for something you can’t give. This is enough for me.”
I let out a breath and reach up to cover her hand with mine. I have no words to give her right now, and after a moment she nods again, before stepping back and moving towards the door.
“Good night, Sebastian,” she says before opening the door and leaving my office.
Leaving me alone to try and sort through the mess inside my head.
An hour later, Imogen finds me sitting on the couch in our office, staring at the empty whiskey glass in my hand.
“Whoa… Are you okay?” she asks, halting in the doorway.
I chuckle darkly. “Not even slightly.” I glance out the hall behind her, before meeting her gaze again. “Where’s Cam?”
“Still downstairs. He was weirdly into the movie but I remembered something I forgot to do earlier and came to finish that up before we went home.” She moves to take a seat beside me. “What’s going on?”
I let my head fall back against the wall and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Lily,” I reply.
“Ah… So you caught feelings, huh?” I look back to see the understanding in her eyes.
I huff a laugh. “I’ve pretty much always had those feelings. That woman has been my kryptonite for sixteen years.”
She turns her body towards mine, placing her hand on my thigh. “Let me guess - you don’t think she has a place in your fucked up world? That a woman like that could never be with someone as broken as you?”
“You’re going to throw my own words back at me, aren’t you?” I ask, giving her a wry smile.
“Well, I mean, you were right about me and Cam, so…” She shrugs.
“Things are a little more complicated with Lily and me.”
She shakes her head. “Only because you’re making it complicated.”
I sigh and drop my head back again. “I can’t corrupt her, Imogen.”
The hand on my thigh tightens. “That woman has been through more than you can possibly understand, Sebastian. And she is capable of understanding what she wants. What did she actually say that’s got you spiralling?”
I swallow, continuing to stare at the ceiling as I replay her words in my head. “She told me how she truly sees me. And then we fucked.”
“Ah. Hence the drinking.” She gets up and takes my glass, walking back over to the drinks cart.
She refills my drink before preparing one for herself, bringing them back over to sit down again and handing the half full glass to me.
She takes a sip of her own whiskey while I study mine for a moment, the events of the last two hours continuing to loop over and over in my head.
“I honestly never thought I’d see you like this over anyone. But I get it,” Imogen says after a moment. “It’s hard when we’ve convinced ourselves that we don’t deserve the good ones. But you helped me see that wasn’t true.”
“She isn’t ready for this world, Imogen. She’s not meant for this world.”
Imogen sighs and puts her glass down. “Annika told me about their conversation, you know. The one where Lily told her she wanted to explore more. Is this all sounding familiar?”
I groan, sliding down in the chair and staring at the ceiling again. “I’m really over hearing about that conversation. The past week has been a complete mess because of that damn conversation.”
She chuckles. “Well, you had a similar conversation with my boyfriend two months ago, if you remember? When he came to you because I was refusing to believe that he was okay with how we live our lives.” She raises an eyebrow at me when I roll my head to the side to look at her.
“Seems like, maybe… You need to take your own advice.”
Cam appears at the doorway, pausing when he takes in the scene before him. “Jesus, what the hell happened to you?”
“Nothing,” I reply, remaining slumped down on the couch.
“He caught feelings,” Imogen says, and I glare at her.
“For you?” Cam says, raising an eyebrow as he leans against the doorframe.
She laughs. “No, idiot. For Lily.”
“Ah, right.” He comes into the office and takes a seat next to his girlfriend. “And, because all you Dark Desires people are emotionally stunted, he’s freaking out like you were?”
“I am not emotionally stunted,” I protest.
Imogen pats my thigh while shooting me a sympathetic look. “You kind of are.”
“Why does everyone forget they work for me?” I say, before taking a mouthful of whiskey.
“I don’t work for you,” Cam says, sounding far too cheerful. “And you definitely are. I don’t know why you’ve all decided you aren’t able to have relationships because you like to fuck a lot, but you know most people like sex, right?”
I roll my eyes. “No, you don’t say? And here I was thinking we were special because we know where all the body parts go,” I say drily.
“Nope, not special, sorry,” he volleys right back with a grin.
“You are enjoying this far too much. All I need now is for Annika to join in to add to the pile-on and it’ll just be the cherry on top of this fucked up night.”
Imogen chuckles and pats my cheek. “Do we need to set up another foursome and handcuff you to the bed so you understand that she knows what she wants?”
“Don’t even fucking think about it, Miss Delphine,” I say gruffly, and her eyes flare with arousal.
Cam shakes his head. “Mate, do you need to fuck my girlfriend to try to run away from your feelings?”
I sigh. “As much as that sounds appealing, I can’t use sex as an escape like that. It would appear that I handle my fucked up emotions differently to how she does.”
“Hey!” Imogen protests.
Cam squeezes her thigh. “You know he’s got a point.”
She pouts, crossing her arms. “Still. Low blow,” she mutters.
Cam just laughs and pulls her into his side while looking at me over her head.
“I know you’re all in your head about this, but you are making this a far bigger deal than it needs to be.
It’s obvious that Lily has feelings for you.
And from what I can tell, she isn’t stupid.
So if she says she’s fine with everything… Maybe you should trust her?”
I sigh as I slide back up to sit upright, before leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees. “I think I just need to go to bed and pretend that this whole night never happened.”
“That sounds very healthy and not at all emotionally stunted,” Cam says, and I glare at him as I get wearily to my feet.
“Good night, you giant pain in the arses.”
Cam grins at me, taking far too much enjoyment in the whole thing. “Good night, sir.”
I throw back the last of my whiskey and put the glass down on my desk. “I would like you to remember this moment the next time I’m fucking your arse.”
He just keeps on grinning as Imogen chokes on a laugh. “Oh don’t worry, I will.”
I walk out of the office, shaking my head when I hear him say to Imogen. “Well, that was fun. Guess he is a regular human after all.”
“Oh stop it, you massive shit stirrer,” she replies with a laugh.
While I’m glad she’s sorted out her own complicated feelings, I doubt mine are going to be resolved by a simple group sex session.
Given two out of the four sexual encounters I’ve had with Lily have included other people, it definitely isn’t going to have the same outcome as it did for Imogen and Cam.
When I get upstairs, there are no lights on in our suite, and a mixture of relief and disappointment floods through me. Relief because I don’t think I have it in me to continue the conversation with Lily.
And disappointment because despite everything, I still always want to see her.
The fact that I’m mentally referring to it as our suite is a sure sign that I’m in too deep.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything during sex, and now that one, brief moment has completely consumed me.
For eight years, I thought I’d moved on from this woman.
But the reality is, I’ve just been trying to forget her.
And now… she’s burrowed even further beneath my skin and I don’t know how to get her out.
I move past her bedroom door and pause, torn between knocking or continuing on. I’m almost certain that she’s lying awake beyond the door, because her emotions would be just as confused as mine.
But I can’t bring myself to rehash everything again. It’s too raw. Too real.
She’s ruined me, just like I knew she would.
I force my feet to start moving and head for my bedroom. The sooner that the renovations for Lily’s suite are finished, the better. She needs her own space… And I need some distance.