Chapter 51
CHAPTER
FIFTY-ONE
EMMETT
She walks away, and I’m left standing there, alone, with no one to blame but myself. This one is all on me.
Her words ring hollow in my head.
“. . . being so afraid of losing me that you never let yourself have me? That”s still losing me.”
And I can’t shake the feeling that she’s right.
Ten seconds of telling myself I’m doing the right thing is all I can stand before I’m moving.
Two long steps turns into a jog, and by the time I hit the path, I’m running. Or whatever version of running my body allows these days.
My lungs immediately protest. Pain cinches around my ribs. My instincts are screaming at me to push through it, but the voice in the back of my head is louder.
It’s Aspen.
Emmett.
I can see the look on her face, her eyes narrowed, one hand on her hip as she tuts. She’d call me an idiot for hurting myself to prove a point nobody asked me to prove. Especially not her.
And damn it.
I slow down.
The physical pain I can handle. It’s an unsettling realization that slows my steps as everything Aspen’s been trying to tell me clicks into place.
I wanted her to be safe and not prioritize me over herself. But that’s not what this is really about.
She wants me to let her love me, but she needs me to stop destroying myself to prove I deserve it.
What good is protecting everyone else if there’s nothing left of me to give?
Hands on my hips, a cough rattles my chest as I come around the building just in time to see her taillights through a cloud of dust.
Everything in me wants to go after her and fix this.
To make sure she knows that I feel the exact same way about her.
Maybe loving her means trusting she meant it when she said she’d stay—believing that today won’t ruin what we have. I won’t leave her waiting long, but there are things here I need to take care of so I can stop letting fear decide what I get to keep.
Putting my back to where I want to be more than anything, I turn and head for the entrance of the facility, ready to deal with all the questions the doctor left me with, and eventually, Carl.
“Thought I told you to find me before you left.”
Or now.
Carl’s leaning against the wood column outside the front doors.
“Do you always lurk in parking lots waiting to ambush people?”
“Only you.”
“Stop. I’ll feel special.”
“Don’t. You’re just predictable.” I say flatly. “Let’s get this over with.” I hold the door open for him. This doesn’t feel like it’s going to be a short conversation and after running, I need to sit.
I point to the chair in the common area. It’s mostly quiet and as good of a spot to do this as any.
“I wasn’t leaving,” I fire off.
“Didn't say you were,” he shoots back just as fast.
I lean back. “You were thinking it.”
He tilts his head. “Actually, I was thinking you look like shit.”
“Helpful,” I mumble.
“Wasn't trying to be.” He crosses his legs, leaning back and getting comfortable. “You love her.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I challenge.
“A hell of a lot from where I’m sitting.”
“Well, I’m going to need you to quit talking in riddles and spell it out because it’s been a long fucking day and I’m not in the mood for word games.”
Carl doesn't even flinch.
Honestly, that pisses me off more.
“You're scared.”
I scoff. “That’s your big revelation?”
“No.” He rests his elbows on the arms of the chair. “The revelation is that for the first time since I met you, you finally admitted you have something you’re scared to lose.”
My jaw tightens. “Everyone is scared to lose people.”
“Yeah.” He nods. “They are.”
Not the argument I expected.
“But most people don’t try to grieve them before they’re gone.”
“You think I don’t know?” I ask quietly.
Carl is quiet for a second.
And the fire in me keeps building. I fling a hand toward the parking lot. “You think it’s not crystal clear to me what it cost me? Hurting the woman . . .” I hold it back. Aspen deserves those words before I toss them at him in anger.
“That’s the first smart thing you’ve done all day.”
I glare at him. “Thanks.”
“Wasn't a compliment.” He pauses, then asks, “Have you found a therapist to speak with?”
I look away. And that’s answer enough for him.
“Emmett.” His voice is soft but I know he’s disappointed, even if he’s trying to be gentle about it.
“It was on my to do list.”
“You were putting it off because you’re scared.”
“No.” The answer comes fast. I take a deep breath. “I was putting it off because I didn’t think it mattered.”
Carl’s expression doesn’t change. “And that’s why I made it a condition.”
“You weren’t worried I couldn’t do the job?”
He shakes his head. “I knew you could do the job. I was worried you’d use it as another excuse not to deal with everything else.”
“I wasn’t ready.”
“And now?”
“Now . . .” I look down the hall toward the memory care unit. I think about Aspen’s face right before she told me she loved me.
“Now, I think I’m tired.”
“Of what?”
“Waiting for everything to hurt.”
I pull out my phone, bringing up the search bar and typing until the results I need pull up.
Carl’s brow lifts and he shifts in the chair, leaning forward.
“What are you doing?”
“Something I should have done a long time ago.”
The phone rings twice before a chipper voice answers.
Timberline Peak Counseling Services.
“Hi, this is Emmett Slate. I was hoping to schedule an appointment.”
The scheduler and I exchange information while Carl sits there, watching. And when I disconnect, he stands, patting me on the shoulder before he passes.
“Proud of you.”
“Don’t make it weird.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
Since he’s not looking for an answer, I don’t.
Instead, I let Carl head back out the front door, leaving me alone to figure out what the hell tomorrow looks like.
Because I don’t have all the answers. But I know one thing. I’m not losing Aspen because I was too afraid to tell her I love her.