20. Cormac
Chapter Twenty
CORMAC
“I hope you’re with my daddy forever.”
I freeze at Scout’s words.
I shouldn’t be listening, I know that, but I can’t move either.
The hope in Scout’s voice is enough for me to feel like someone has just forced a knife between my ribs.
Forever.
I don’t know what to think.
Fiona says something back, but her words are too quiet for me to catch.
For a second, I consider barging into his room to interrupt the moment, but what would I even say? That Scout shouldn’t get his hopes up even though the three of us just spent the last few days acting like one big happy family?
Of course, this trip put ideas in his head. Hell, it put them in mine.
I turn and head down the stairs, needing a second to think.
Though my muddled thoughts have nothing to do with the fact that my six-year-old just handed his heart to a woman I’m still trying to convince myself I can trust, and more to do with the fact that I can’t walk away from the truth.
I love that Scout loves Fiona, I really do. Watching him laugh with her these past few days, seeing the way he gravitates toward her because he feels safe, it’s more than I ever let myself hope for. And that’s exactly why it scares the shit out of me.
If Fiona betrays us again, it won’t just be me bleeding on the floor this time. It will be Scout too.
I wait at the bottom of the stairs until Scout’s door opens and closes, followed by the soft sound of Fiona’s footsteps on the carpet as she walks down the hall to her room.
I give her a few minutes before I head back up to speak with her.
Her room is dim when I walk in, the bedside lamp casting a soft glow against the walls.
Fiona looks up from where she’s perched on the edge of the bed, surprise flashing across her face.
She immediately gets to her feet. “Scout’s asleep.”
I nod, closing the door behind me. “I know.”
“Is something wrong?” She watches me carefully, like she’s waiting for me to explode.
I drag a hand down my face as I try to think of a way to bring up what I heard without turning this into a fight, because that’s not what I want.
The truth is, I’m not sure what I want to hear, but I do know that I need to be with her.
I lean against the wall and tuck my hands into my pockets. “I was outside Scout’s door. I heard what he said. About you and me.”
Fiona’s breath catches as color creeps up her neck. “Cormac, I swear, I didn’t say anything to make him—”
I lift a hand, and she falls silent instantly. “I know you didn’t. Scout worships you all on his own. You didn’t have to push him to say anything. That much is crystal clear.”
From the look on her face, what I’m saying doesn’t seem to make her feel any better.
“I just…” she tugs at her sleeves in that way she does when she’s nervous. “I don’t ever want you thinking I would use him to get to you.”
“I don’t think that.”
But I do think about a hundred other things.
I cross the room slowly, like I’m approaching a scared animal that might bolt.
Fiona doesn’t back away, but I can see her shoulders tense, as if she’s bracing herself for me to pull the rug out from underneath her.
I reach out to gently stroke my hands down her arms. “Relax. I’m not mad.”
“I know,” she says quietly, keeping her gaze on the floor.
“I love that Scout loves you. You’re good with him. You’re patient. You…treat him like he was your own. And that means more than I can put into words.”
Fiona bites her lip as she looks away, but I reach out to grip her chin and force her to look at me because I need her to see how sincere I’m being.
Her blue eyes shine, and I gently wipe away a stray tear that falls down her cheek with my thumb.
“But it also means that if this goes wrong, it doesn’t just wreck me. It wrecks him too.”
“I would never hurt him,” she whispers, her voice trembling as more tears start to fall.
“I know. But you didn’t want to hurt me either, and look how that turned out.”
I knew it was the wrong thing to say before I even finished saying the words.
Fiona flinches like I slapped her, and I silently curse myself as the guilt claws at my insides, but I don’t take it back. She needs to understand the stakes.
“I’ve been here before,” I say quietly, letting go of her chin and walking over to the bed. “Not exactly like this, but close enough to make me always think twice.”
I take a seat on the edge of the bed and brace my hands on my thighs.
“With Scout’s mother?” Fiona asks.
I nod, trying to ignore the memories that I try so hard to keep buried.
“What happened?”
“I fell in love.” I run my hands up and down my thighs, trying to expel the nervous energy I feel as I think of Nadia and everything that happened following her death.
“A lot of things went wrong, and then she died, and it felt like I did too. So, I don’t trust easily, and I don’t forgive easily, and I sure as hell don’t hand someone the power to destroy my son.
It’s why I kept him a secret from my family for so long.
Only Ronan knew he existed, and even that felt like I was shining a fucking great light on him.
So, as much as I love how much Scout is enjoying being part of a big family, it’s hard for me to fully let go and relax.
We’ve been burned by our family too many times.
I mean, his fucking grandfather kidnapped him, and now everything with Lorcan… ”
“I understand.” Fiona steps closer, and I automatically part my thighs so that she can stand between them.
I let her take my face in her hands and close my eyes as she gently strokes her fingers over my jaw.
Her skin is so warm, and her touch instantly soothes the tension in my body.
“I made the wrong choice,” she whispers. “But it wasn’t because I didn’t love you and Scout. It was because I love you both so much that I panicked.”
That is what makes this so damn complicated.
Her worst mistake came from the same place as her best qualities. She is willing to do whatever it takes to protect the ones she loves. But there is always a price. I just don’t want my son to be the one to pay it.
I open my eyes and let myself take in every little detail of her face, the one I can see myself waking up to every day for the rest of my life.
“If I do this… If I let us move forward, there can’t be any more lies or half-truths. You don’t get to decide what I can handle,” I say firmly.
“I won’t,” she says without missing a beat. “I swear I will never keep anything from you again. Ever.”
“Promises are easy,” I murmur.
She steps even closer. “Then test me. Hold me to it. But don’t shut me out before I get the chance to prove it.”
I stare into her eyes for a moment and let myself fully imagine it, a life with her and Scout.
I see the house and the walls covered in countless photos from across the years.
I see a white dress and a blonde-haired child that has Scout’s mouth, but Fiona’s eyes.
I see it all, and for once, I don’t let myself fight the future I could have.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Okay?”
“I’m willing to try.” The words feel fragile, but they’re real.
“I can’t flip a switch and go back to how it was before, and to be honest, I’m not sure if that’s even what I want.
I don’t want to pretend that this is something casual when it feels like I’m suffocating every time I think about losing you—”
Fiona throws her arms around my neck, hugging me like she’s afraid I’ll disappear.
I stiffen for half a second, then my hands come up and settle on her waist.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her breath tickling my neck. “For all of it. I love you, and I love Scout, and I love this ridiculously huge family. I promise, I won’t mess this up again.”
For the first time in weeks, I don’t feel any doubt at her words. I just hear truth.
I rest my chin on her shoulder and breathe in the fruity scent of her shampoo.
This is it, the line in the sand. The one I’m choosing to draw and step over to leave what’s done in the past and move forward.
“I love you too,” I murmur.
Time stands still for a fraction of a second.
And then Fiona starts shaking in my arms.
I don’t realize she’s crying until I take her face in my hands and find her cheeks damp with tears.
I brush my thumbs over her cheeks. “That wasn’t meant to make you cry.”
She tries to wipe them away with her sleeve. “These are happy tears. I just… Cormac, sometimes it feels like I can’t survive without you.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going anywhere.”
I take my time peeling Fiona’s clothes off her body, making sure to kiss every inch of skin as I expose it. Once she’s standing fully naked in front of me, I stand back and let her do the same.
It’s more intimate than any other time we’ve been together.
I’ve never let her touch me like this, but it feels right to give myself over to her fully.
I savor the feeling of her hands as she runs them over my shoulders and chest.
I groan when she drops to her knees to pull down my pants and leans in to lick along my cock.
Seeing her gaze up at me with wide eyes as she takes me into her mouth is enough to shatter me completely.
“What a fucking sight you are.” I sink my fingers into her hair and slowly thrust my hips.
She takes all of me without complaint, keeping her eyes locked on mine the entire time, just how I like it.
But this is not the time for me to be selfish. I want to show her that I mean it when I said I loved her, and I can’t do that when she’s on her knees.
I stroke her cheek as she continues to suck. “Let me take you to bed, Fi. Let me show you how much I love you.”
She slowly slides her mouth off my cock and gets to her feet.
Her lips are swollen and wet, and I eagerly pull her against me and devour her mouth.
Her arms wrap around my neck, and I lift her into my arms, never breaking the kiss as I carry her over to the bed and settle myself on top of her.
I stare into her shining blue eyes as I slowly sink my cock inside her, groaning at how incredible she feels. I savor the way her nails claw at my back as I slowly pump my hips or the way her back arches when I dip my head to kiss along her breast.
Somehow, this time feels different than all the others.
Even at the resort when we woke up in bed together, I could still feel a few pieces of the wall I had built between us.
But tonight, there is nothing.
I give her every inch of myself until there’s nothing left to give.