19. Alessia
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ALESSIA
A fter the shitshow that happened hours ago, I retreated into the room next to his. Unable to face him after the way we talked to each other. You’d think I’d be used to it, but I’m not. Hearing him say he’d fuck someone else physically made me sick to my stomach. So much that I’ve been vomiting the last fifteen minutes. My head is hurting and I truly don’t think I have anything left to throw up.
My phone rings in the midst of my vomit session. I groan and rest my head on the toilet seat.
“Hello?”
“Honey? You sound awful, are you alright?”
“Hi, Mom, I’m fine. What do you need?”
“Well, the bridal shop called and said they have an opening in an hour, we’re on our way to Astor’s to pick you up.” My eyes spring open and I swallow the vomit that’s threatening to creep up my throat.
“No, don’t come here. I’ll ride with Caro there.”
“Are you sure? We’re not far.”
“Mom, I said not to come here. I’ll see you there.”
I hang up just in time for the vomit to eject from my mouth. Fuck me. Not only did we take two steps forward and then five back, but now I have to deal with both of our mothers on top of whatever the fuck I’m starting to come down with. Lucky me.
I place my phone on speaker as it dials Caro’s number.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Wedding dress shopping is happening today, apparently, can you come?”
“Of course, bitch, like I’d miss it.”
“Can you come get me? I don’t want to stomach both mothers in a car today.”
“On my way.”
“Thanks, Caro.” I hang up and shove my foot into a pair of jeans, sliding my Louboutin boots on. I look at myself in the mirror and almost vomit just from the sight of myself. I look like fucking death. I dabble some mascara on and do my best to conceal the red brims around my eyes from crying.
I haven’t seen Astor since the argument and I’m hoping it stays that way. The last thing I need is him questioning me.
I grab my bag and head downstairs, grabbing a bottle of water and taking two Advil in hopes it’ll deplete my headache. Todd is coming out of what I think is the control room when he stops and gives me a nod.
“Where’s Astor?”
“I believe he is in the gym room, ma’am. Would you like me to walk you there?”
“No, no, that’s alright. I’m heading out for some errands, if you’d be so kind to let him know.”
“Of course.”
The water is a welcome feeling down my extremely dry throat. I practically drink the entire bottle before I feel it rising back up. I run to the bathroom, making it just in time before throwing it up.
I hear the door slam and then harsh breathing. Fuck .
I quickly rinse out my mouth and wash my hands before meeting an extremely sweaty Astor. He has a water in his hand, his chest is rising and falling so hard as he tries to catch his breath.
“Todd said you’re running errands?” I don’t look at him as I grab my phone when it goes off.
“Wedding stuff.”
A text from Caro pops up.
Caro:
Outside, coming in for a second I have to pee.
“Were you just going to leave?”
“Does it matter?”
“If it didn’t, I wouldn’t fucking ask you.”
“Honestly, Astor, let’s just cut the shit. You don’t care about me, and you’ve made that blatantly obvious. So, let’s get this two-month trial over. We can go back to only speaking when we’re insulting each other at family meetings while you fuck your way through New York.” I brush past him when the doorbell rings.
“Hey, Caro, bathroom is right there.” She steps in and frowns. I shake my head at her and she takes the hint, retreating into the bathroom. I grab my purse and jacket, feeling like I’ll catch on fire from the heat of his stare.
“ Malyshka ,” he says behind me, closer this time. My hand tightens on my purse as he turns me towards him. I close my eyes, refusing to look at him because I know the moment I do, I’ll be lost. Lost in his presence, in his aura. “Open your eyes.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to see you, Astor.” I look down at the floor and he grabs my chin between his thumb, forcing me to his gaze.
He takes me in for a moment and something shifts. “I’m sorry .” I’m sure that my eyes double in fucking size. Because the last thing I expected was him to say he was sorry about anything. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”
“But you did. And you meant them.”
“I didn’t.”
“It’s not a secret, Astor, I know you didn’t choose this, choose me. That I’m not enough . I know I’m just filling their space until this is ov—” He silences me with his finger over my lips as I fight the urge to open my mouth and suck them.
“Wrong. They were filling the space.”
“For what?” I whisper.
“For you.” He pulls me to him and I gasp in surprise, surprised at his words and his actions. This isn’t the Astor I know. This isn’t the Astor that has made me feel mute for the last six years, as if I was nothing but a blip and inconvenience in his life. His lips brutally attack mine. I’m stunned, too stunned to respond to his kiss. “Don’t fight me, let me in,” he murmurs against me. I relax into his hold, running my arms up his back and snaking them around his neck.
“I don’t think you should kiss me…I think I’m getting sick.” He leans back, breaking our kiss and frowns as he rests his hand on my forehead.
“So, stay home.”
Home .
“I can’t. I have to go find my wedding dress, for my very first wedding,” I say with a devilish grin.
“You mean for your only wedding.”
Caro clears her throat and I jump out of Astor’s embrace. Well, I try to at least and fail miserably, because he just tightens his hold on my waist.
“Well, at least it’ll make marrying him easier,” she says with a smirk as she watches him kisses my cheek with a knowing look on her face.
“Don’t be long, I’ve got some making up to do.” My cheeks flush and I can feel the heat rising in my stomach.
I’m a weak, pathetic woman. All he said was he was sorry for me to move past how he declared he’d fuck anyone he wanted while I couldn’t do the same. Because he’s sorry , none of that matters anymore. What a joke I am.
“Get out of your head and go find a dress. I’ll see you later,” he says. I look up at him and tilt my chin up a bit.
“Ast…don’t ever tell me you’ll fuck someone else again. Understand?” He kisses my cheek and nods.
“Yes, ma’am.”
The first few minutes of the drive I can feel Caro searing a hole into my face. I tuck my lip in my mouth and mindlessly play with the hem of my shirt.
“You little fucking whore. You fucked him! Didn’t you?”
“Caroline!”
“You did! And you weren’t going to tell me?”
“I…I just…”
“Ah, you wound me. So how was it? And also, don’t leave out the part where you went from hating each other’s fucking guts to kissing goodbye practically overnight.”
“We just, I don’t know. Ok? I’m still wrapping my head around it. He’s so hot and cold, Caro. Like, we had sex and it was fucking crazy hot sex. Rough, demanding, literally fucking brutal. Then we cuddled and he was sweet, and caring, and present. But then some bitch showed up at his house and I lost it. Told her if she came back, I’d slit her throat. I haven’t gotten that mad in years, Caro. Years. Then I told him how pissed I was that he let her touch him and then he told me he’d fuck whoever he wanted. That just because we fucked, didn’t mean we’d have a happy ever after. So then I told him I’d fuck who I wanted and then he basically said he’d kill anyone I fucked.” I gather in a big breath, because I don’t think I breathed at all during the entire time I talked just now.
“Ok umm, bitch.”
“Oh! And then he comes back from working out and is this caring fucking asshole again. So, I’m sure when I get back, he’ll be back to his brutish ways.”
She turns the radio completely down and glances at me as she drives.
“You love him…already.”
“Caro...I don’t remember a time that I didn’t love him.”
“My advice…milk this shit for all you can. Force him to see that whatever the fuck happened all those years ago, doesn’t matter. Show him that you are just as possessive as he is. That you aren’t just his, but he’s yours, too. I guarantee, seeing you get all worked up over that girl turned him on. That’s probably why he went to work out. Was the girl scared? ” I nod and she looks at me, the side of her mouth twitching. We break out into laughter.
“Atta girl.”