Chapter 18 #2
“Unfortunately, he eventually felt like all of my help was more like smothering. At least, that’s what he said when he ended things right before finals week.
I didn’t even go to any of my finals—I couldn’t.
I left campus completely. Needless to say, my GPA for the year started with the number one, and I arrived on my parents’ doorstep for the summer completely depressed. ”
Danae’s eyes glisten as she leans forward and squeezes my knee. “Samantha. I hate that you went through that.”
With a wry laugh, I say, “Oh, it’s not over! It gets worse from here!”
Her eyes are full of compassion as she gives me a nod of encouragement to continue.
“I spent a lot of time with my therapist, Amber, that summer. I’d seen her off and on since I was about fourteen, but I’m pretty sure I saw her twice a week that summer.
She and my parents agreed that I wasn’t in the right mental or emotional state to go back to college that fall semester, so I stayed home working a random job and continuing therapy. ”
Detangling my fingers from the knot I’ve made in the fringe of the blanket, I say, “I really did get back to a good place in that process. Amber helped me understand that I developed an anxious-preoccupied attachment style due to my childhood trauma,” I say, then huff a breath through my nose.
“I learned all sorts of fancy terms to explain my messed-up thought patterns and approach to relationships. I could see how I had thrown myself into the relationship with no healthy boundaries because I craved the feeling of being wanted so much.”
Shaking my head at the memory, I say, “I thought I had myself figured out by the time I went back to school for the spring semester. And I did well for several weeks. I went to my classes, started getting okay grades. I hung out with my new roommate and some of the other girls on our dorm floor. I tried studying. And then one of the guys on our floor started flirting with me. And the spiral started again.”
I look down at the blanket in my hands, once again a tangled mess. A lot like I was.
“Thankfully, after a few weeks, Griffin caught on to what was happening. We’d talk on the phone every couple of days while he was at spring training, and I brought my relationship up to Griff even though I hadn’t told our parents that I was dating.
He sensed things were getting worse each time we’d talk on the phone.
Somehow, he knew I was about to drown myself in another unhealthy relationship.
The day he got back from spring training, he drove down to my college in Oklahoma and brought me here to KC with him.
I think he originally intended for it to be a temporary thing until I was stable enough to go back home to our parents.
But”—I hold out my hands to my sides—“he never could get rid of me.”
Danae rolls her eyes with a smile. “Like he would ever want to get rid of you. Griff loves having you around. And look at you now,” she says, gesturing toward me.
I groan. “There’s more, Danae. I wish there wasn’t.
” Sighing, I say, “I didn’t work as Griff’s PA immediately.
He let me stay in his guest room, and I was doing virtual therapy sessions with Amber and working at a coffee shop.
Griff included me in his social circle—hanging out with Adrian and some of the other Crowns players at the time.
It was actually healthy for me to have some guy friends with no romantic attachment.
Adrian was over at the house a lot, eating Griffin’s chef’s meals instead of at restaurants all the time.
We all watched The Sandlot together a ridiculous number of times. ”
I smile at the memories. “Those first couple of months were so good. I started going to Pilates classes and met my friend Alice. I took long walks exploring the local parks and attended almost all of The Crowns’ home games.
I started to feel like life was enjoyable without being in a relationship,” I say before sighing.
“And then, I met Ryan. Or, rather, Ryan met me.”
Danae looks at me with confusion, and I wave a hand.
“It will make sense eventually. I was meeting some friends for dinner, and this random guy came over and started talking to me while we were standing outside waiting for a table. He was so friendly, asking me lots of questions. Flirting. He was still dressed in business clothes from his job as a sales rep for a big medical-software company. I found out he was twenty-five, which felt so adult to me. Ryan seemed stable. Mature. So different from the college guys.”
My brow furrows. “I’ll never forget the first time he met Griffin.
I took Ryan with me to a game, and after it was over, we met Griffin in the staff parking lot.
Ryan fawned all over Griff, who was clearly irritated but tried to hide it for my sake.
Ryan made all these hinting comments to Griffin about meeting more of the team or seeing the stadium or watching a game from a suite.
At the time, I thought it was sweet that he was so interested in my brother.
I was so na?ve.” I pause to roll my eyes.
“Griffin saw through it and tried to warn me. But I didn’t want to hear it.
Ryan had acted surprised but chill when I told him on our second date that I was Griffin’s sister.
He played it off so well. Never mind the fact that he had an entire man cave full of Crowns paraphernalia.
I was an idiot for not connecting the dots myself, but I wanted the love too badly.
I always crave it too much . . .” I trail off, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my chin there. Danae is quiet, not forcing me forward.
“It wasn’t long before I spent almost every evening with Ryan. Took him with me to as many of the games as would fit in his work schedule—although Griffin never gave us any kind of insider tours or connections, thank goodness.
“I’d show up unannounced at Ryan’s office to surprise him with lunch, or I’d offer to bring him coffee. I volunteered to clean his house or do his laundry so he had fewer things distracting him from work. I did everything I could to prove that loving me would make his life better.
“When he complimented me or went out of his way to say he loved me, I was on cloud nine. If we had any kind of small argument, I was depressed and not eating. When we’d been dating for three months, he went with me to Alice’s wedding and spent half the night talking to other women there.
I was so furious, I snapped at him as we were getting into the car to go home.
Then I spent the entire drive sobbing, apologizing, and begging him not to be mad at me. ”
I turn my head, looking out the window to the back patio. Staring back in time. “The next morning, Ryan sent me a text message ending things. A text to break up with me, after I’d just taken him to my friend’s wedding. After I’d made him my whole life.”
When I look back to Danae, tears are streaming down her face.
My own eyes are bone dry, but I don’t dare reattach myself to the feelings.
“I drove to his office. Ryan refused to come talk to me at the security desk. So I drove to his house and sat on the front steps all day long, waiting for him to come home. I remember staring at the bright red maple tree in the neighbor’s yard, watching leaves detach in the wind and fall to the ground.
I remember thinking all the color in my world would fall to the ground and die if I couldn’t convince Ryan to stay with me.
It started pouring rain before he finally arrived. He told me to just go home.”
For the first time in the story, my voice starts to wobble. “I begged him, Danae. Like a pathetic fool, I begged him to take me back. He said, ‘It’s not worth this.’ Confused, I asked him what he meant by ‘it.’”
Swallowing hard, I recall his words. “He looked at me like I was stupid and said, ‘Sam. You’re Griffin West’s sister.
Why do you think I talked to you at the restaurant?
But it’s not worth living like this.’ Then he went inside and closed the door, and I understood what he meant—having access to Griffin wasn’t worth having to be with me. ”
Danae’s face fumes. “How dare he?! You’re incredible, Samantha West. Having nothing to do with who your family members are—you are incredible. Ryan is a clown.”
I huff a laugh at her elementary-safe insult, and she looks at me like I’m crazy. “How are you not more emotional about this right now?” she asks, barely keeping her voice down to a level that won’t wake up Jason.
Shaking my head, I say, “It’s okay. I’ve gotten really good at disassociating from the emotions to clinically evaluate my past behaviors.
I’ve spent hours processing through everything with Amber, then with Griffin and my parents.
But trust me—in that moment, I was barely functioning.
I wandered down the street in the rain, trying to process what had happened until it was pitch black and so cold.
I was walking through the parking lot of a school when a truck drove really slowly past me.
It spooked me enough to realize I wasn’t in a safe condition and needed to call for help.
But Alice was on her honeymoon, and I was too embarrassed to call Griffin and make him rescue me again. ”
The first hint of tears burns behind my eyes, and I will it away. “I called Adrian. I don’t think I even explained what was happening. Just called him in hysterics and told him the name on the outside of the school building. He found me.”