Chapter 18 #3
My words still and my eyes unfocus as I remember that night.
Even though Adrian and I didn’t have feelings for each other then, I still see the whole night differently with the context of now.
The beams of the headlights momentarily blinding me as I sat huddled under the overhang at the front doors of the school.
The splashing pound of his footsteps as he ran across the wet pavement and crouched down in front of me.
His fingers stroking wet hair off my face, his arms effortlessly lifting me up to carry me to his SUV.
The warmth blasting from every air vent that he pointed my direction as he drove to his apartment.
The tender memories bring a small smile to my lips as I look back to Danae.
I hold them close to my heart, not giving them away.
I simply tell her, “I think Adrian knew it wouldn’t be good to drop me off in that state at Griffin’s house.
So he took me back to his apartment to warm up.
He gave me a pair of sweatpants and a Crowns hoodie to change into while he walked to one of the restaurants below the apartments to get some food. ”
“Sweet Adrian,” Danae says, her voice full of emotion. “He really does have a heart of gold.”
Fully smitten, I agree, “He sure does. Adrian never even asked me to explain that night. I’m sure he pieced some things together for himself, but he didn’t make me tell him anything about what happened.
He just took care of me until I was calm enough that he could safely drive me home to Griffin’s house. ”
I give Danae a tight smile. “Griffin, on the other hand, asked all the questions until I explained everything. He made me go back to my parents in Oklahoma to get some regular in-person sessions with Amber. Once I got back to a healthier place, I missed the life I’d started building here in KC—the life before Ryan.
The Crowns didn’t make the playoffs that year, so their season was over.
Griff came down to visit in Oklahoma, I think to see for himself how I was doing.
When he saw that I was in a good emotional space, he hired me to come back as his PA.
Of course, he made it a point to regularly ask me intrusive questions about if I was dating anyone so he could keep an eye on me.
But I haven’t gone on a single date since.
I’ve never trusted myself to do it the right way. ”
Danae regards me with understanding. “Which explains why you feel afraid about your relationship with Adrian.” I nod.
She says, “I think you can trust yourself, Sam. And I think you can also trust Adrian. But you know Griffin will still have his watchful-big-brother eye out. And what do you need from me? I’ll do anything. ”
“I talked to Amber briefly today, asking her to help me not mess up this relationship like I have every time in the past.” Danae tries to protest my statement, but I cut her off.
“I know that the men were also at fault. But I did mess up, Danae. I can own it. You know how if you hand a kitten to a toddler, they’ll squeeze it until it can’t breathe?
Not because they want to hurt it, but because they love it so much.
And if you try to take it away, they squeeze tighter for fear of losing it? ”
I point to myself. “That’s how I am with relationships.
I stifle them to the point of death because I just want to feel loved.
I dive into relationships more quickly than what’s safe.
Amber has helped me recognize that this is my default setting, thanks to a lovely combination of childhood loss, trauma, and abuse. It is what it is.”
Danae starts to tear up again, so I jump to reassure her. “It is what it was. I’ve healed a lot since then. I’ve done the work to reset the default settings. But I’ve never put my growth to the test in a romantic relationship. And I’m scared that I can’t really do it.”
Closing my eyes briefly, I exhale hard. “But Amber believes I can, with the right support. She suggested asking a couple of friends to keep an eye on how I start this with Adrian. People to ask me tough questions to make sure I don’t fully dive in before I know it’s safe.
I was hoping you’d be one of those people, if you wouldn’t mind?
I know you already have so much on your plate with Jason and the wedding and teaching and life so it’s okay if you’re—”
“Yes, Samantha. Of course, I’ll be one of those people,” Danae cuts in.
“I believe in you too. Look at all the ways you’ve supported Jason and me over the past year and a half.
I know you can handle this relationship with Adrian.
And I’m happy to be there for you. I want things to work out for you guys. ”
“I do too,” I confess. “I’m scared of how much I want it. If it’s too much again. If I’ll force it too hard because I selfishly want it so badly.”
“I’ll help you keep some guardrails,” Danae says, gently squeezing my hand again. “We can make a pro/con list—pros of the healthy attitudes that indicate things are going well and cons of the unhealthy behaviors that are red flags.”
“Of course you would turn this into a pro/con list,” I tease, winking at her.
She smiles self-deprecatingly in response but returns to her thoughtful expression.
“Samantha, you know it’s okay for you to want this with Adrian.
To want it a lot. You can want good things really badly without it being selfish.
” Her smile turns mischievous when she says, “Besides—judging by the photo Griffin sent me, it seems pretty evident that Adrian wants you really badly too.”
I squeal, covering my face. “He showed you the photo? Wait! I haven’t even seen this photo we’re talking about.”
Danae leaps to her feet to retrieve her phone. She’s tapping away at the screen as she saunters back over to the couch, then holds the phone out to me.
Clapping a hand to my mouth, I stare at the picture.
Stare at Adrian staring at me. The photo is shot from behind me, so you can see the way his hands possessively grip my waist. I remember the sensation of his fingers against the bare skin of my back.
I remember the intensity in his eyes when he complimented me on the dress.
But seeing it again in picture form—the barely there smile tugging one side of his lips, his eyes locked on my face that’s tilted up to him—it’s overwhelming.
He wants me.
It’s all I can think as I stare at the photo, as the seconds tick by in silence, as Danae sits on the couch allowing me to soak in the look of Adrian gazing at me.
“I’m just gonna text this photo to myself,” I say, tapping her phone screen.
Danae laughs, and I wholeheartedly laugh along with her.
It feels good.
I feel . . . hopeful.