8. Sam
sam
. . .
Today is the first time ever that I have not wanted to be on campus.
I could walk away from my classes right now and not even flinch at the unplanned change in my schedule, or the fact that I’d miss taking notes.
For once, the notion doesn’t make my stomach clench or cause a slight sweat to mist my hairline.
I pride myself on the dedication I put in to get into the university’s undergrad Kinesiology program as a transfer and to finish working toward my Sports Management degree.
I’m even more thankful that all my credits transferred from the state school I took classes at part time while I was pregnant and living with my aunt.
Getting pregnant right before graduation from high school was not on my list of goals for the future.
I wanted to be a mother someday, just not for another ten years or more down the road.
Seeing the two pink lines on the test threw my type A brain for a loop.
Two minutes. It's just two minutes. Shit. These feel like the longest two minutes of my life. I pace back and forth in my bathroom. Every few seconds, I stop to listen at the door, making sure my mom doesn’t come home unexpectedly.
It was hard enough to escape Jameson this afternoon, let alone hide in the bathroom while Allie is watching cartoons in the living room.
Despite the urge to look down at the counter, I keep my back to it instead.
I take deep breaths in and exhale out, trying to fight the wave of panic that is twisting my stomach and making bile rise up my throat.
The first sign something might be up with me wasn’t the fact that my period was late; it was the fact that the last two mornings I’ve puked before leaving for school.
And that the usual latte I got most mornings suddenly smelled horrible.
I never turn down coffee, and I swear I’m already feeling exhausted from the caffeine withdrawal.
My phone buzzes on the counter top, indicating the time is up.
I can look, but I don’t want to. Not yet.
I wish I hadn’t done this alone. I wish Jameson was here to talk me through it, to tell me it was going to be alright.
Tears fill my eyes instantly. I’m scared.
We’re only eighteen. Without even looking, I know that this moment is going to change lives.
My life. His life. The life we had been planning.
My fingers reach behind me, picking up the plastic stick, and bring it around to my front.
Two, dark pink lines are glaring right up at me.
The tears fall freely down my cheeks and my knees buckle.
Sliding to the floor, I hold myself together.
I’m pregnant. There’s a baby inside of me.
A piece of me and Jameson. My chest cracks open, and the sobs escape me.
“Sammy?” Allie’s voice calls from outside the door. “Are you almost done?”
Getting to my feet, I swallow around the thickness in my throat and fight to keep my voice steady. “Yeah, Al. Give me just a second to wash my hands.”
“Okay,” she calls, and I hear her feet shuffle on the floor as she walks away.
My heart races in my chest. I can handle this.
I just have to take one step at a time and figure out what I need to do.
I need to talk to Jameson. Then we’re going to have to talk to our parents.
My mom is going to be mad. I wince when I see myself in the mirror, and turn on the water, before splashing it on my heated face.
This will be okay. Once I get to Jameson, he’ll make everything better. I know it.
I pull myself from the memory that threatens to have tears filling my eyes.
Dylan was unexpected, but she is the greatest gift of my life.
She is my world and not a day goes by that I regret having her.
Everything I do is for my little girl. When she was born, I juggled taking care of her and taking classes so that eventually I could transfer here to Michigan and get my original lifelong plan back on track.
This time, my plan includes my little mini-me, my best little friend.
My baby girl who looks just like me, except for having her daddy’s mocha brown eyes.
Eyes that flashed at me this morning with a look I recognized.
It may have been a while since I’ve spent so much time in Jameson’s presence without my aunt present for our drop-offs, but I remember during the time we dated the way his eyes would darken possessively when it came to taking care of me.
My feet falter for a second as the old feelings rush back, wrapping me in their familiarity.
Jameson used to consume me, and to my mom’s great horror, he was my world.
It has been a long time since he looked at me that way.
Did it mean something? So what if he offered to help get Dylan ready for bed on Wednesday, so that way when I pick her up, she and I can just cuddle for the evening.
It’s just a nice thing for him to do. Just like it's not that big of a deal he brought me my favorite drink this morning, or that he officially moved to the same city and state as me.
I shake my head, rejecting the idea that it's any more than Jameson being a good guy. Our past is too complicated. I hurt him, and I doubt he’s ever forgiven me for what I did.
Despite the messiness, Jameson is an amazing dad.
I’m sure everything that happened today is about our daughter.
I couldn’t have picked a better father for Dylan.
All you have to do is take one look at them when they're together and the love between them is evident. He dotes on her and makes sure she has everything she wants or needs. The pregnancy took us both by surprise, and even though I made the choice to alter our lives forever, Jameson has never said one negative thing. He was there for all the prenatal appointments. He even managed to make it for the birth, which was a close call. Jameson has shown up for all his time with Dylan, even when I lived two hours away with my aunt, and now he’s made the ultimate sacrifice of moving to a new state to be near her.
When we first talked about my moving to Michigan for school, I asked him if he was okay with this and explained the scholarship and my opportunity to play hockey there.
He didn’t blink, didn’t hesitate or start a fight.
Jameson nodded his head, like it was the most logical next step, given my plans.
I figured our parenting time would extend to weeks instead of every couple of days; I didn’t think he would actually move to Michigan too.
More guilt settles in the pit of my stomach and I swallow down the bile creeping up my throat. He chose to change his plan again because of me. Once again, I altered his path and future, and he let me. The dark, depth of his eyes flashes in my mind again and this time shivers skate across my skin.
“Earth to Sam!” Emma yells right next to me before slinging her arm around my shoulders when I startle.
“Where did you come from?” I glance between two of my best friends, who are watching me with part humor and part worry dancing in their eyes.
“I yelled your name from across the quad when we saw you, but you were lost in thought,” Riley explains, her voice taking on a hesitant tone.
I shake my head slightly. “Yeah, sorry. It's been a crazy few days.”
Emma’s brow shoots up and her eyes dance between Riley and me. “Like good crazy? As in my date went so well, he's been keeping me busy crazy?”
My nose scrunches and I realize how horrible of a human I probably am. I haven’t thought about my date with Mac once since we said goodnight. I think he even texted me over the weekend and I didn’t respond.
“Ah, no.” I bite my lip, contemplating how much information I’m willing to give.
I’m still trying hard to forget how good he looked this morning, how I recognized the smell of his body wash, and how my fingers itched to reach out and push back the lock of hair that had fallen into his eyes.
He’s always worn his jet-black hair longer and messy.
I used to spend hours running my hands through it while we cuddled in his bed or on my couch.
I also hate how my eyes searched out the red edges of the tattoo hidden on his neck under his shirt collar.
I kissed him once with my red lipstick on, creating the perfect lip print, and instead of washing it off, he had it permanently etched onto his body. It’s still there.
They’re both watching me closely, and I swear I see a glimmer of awareness in Riley’s eyes.
She and Emma were there during the first few months of my pregnancy and have been in Dylan’s life as her two bonus aunties since.
They have also seen the heartbreak I went through with Jameson.
I’m not exactly sure how to tell them now that he moved here.
They’ll want to know why and even I’m not a hundred percent sure of the answer to that, other than being close to Dylan. “Jameson moved here.”
Emma’s head snaps back, and Riley’s lips twitch. Both girls have completely different reactions to my news.
“He did what?”
“Did he say why?”
They both glance at each other and Emma looks at Riley like she betrayed her. Riley shrugs innocently. “I’m just saying that's a big move and commitment.”
“He broke her heart,” Emma argues, and her eyes dance back to mine. “Right?”
He did and he didn’t. And that has always been the hardest thing to explain to anyone.
Jameson went along with what I wanted, including when I asked to break up.
I wanted to give him the opportunity to still have the life he was meant to before we found out I was pregnant.
I knew I was changing my life in a major way and would be making huge sacrifices.
I didn’t feel like that was fair to him after everything he’d accomplished and for how smart he was.
Jameson deserved to still go to the university of his choosing, to play hockey and chase his dream.
In the end, he lost out on all of it in order to be there for me and co-parent.
“Emms.” Riley laughs and nudges our friend. “Even you know it's not always as black and white. Your ex is back in town as well.”
Emma’s cheeks pinken, and her mouth pinches. “I can’t talk about Hawke right now. He’s an asshole for what he did on Friday.”
This time I feel left out. This must have happened when I left with Mac. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing.”
“Hawke showed up with another woman to the party. Turns out Jax hooked up with her before he and Emmarys were officially together. But they were together,” Riley explains.
My jaw drops, and I see the way Emma loses some of her color. I don’t believe Jax is the love of her life, but I do think he was helping her move on, and it took a long time for Emma to be ready for anything after the way Hawke left her without an explanation.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her, my arms winding around her shoulders and pulling her in for a hug. Riley joins me as we hug her between us until she lets out a little giggle.
“Alright, I can’t breathe. Your love is suffocating me!”
We ease off, all of us sharing a smile. At that moment I realize I needed this today. “We should have a girls’ night this weekend. I feel terrible that I’m just finding out about Jax, and I want to hear about Hawke too.”
Emma lifts her brow and points her finger in my face. “And you have some explaining to do about the little Jameson bomb you dropped.”
“Girls’ night!” Riley fists pumps the air, her phone already in her hand, texting her boyfriend to let him know. I roll my eyes thinking about Reign Thorn. He used to be enemy numero uno and now he’s Riley’s shadow and the love of her life.
“It's a plan!” I agree, taking them both by the elbow and steering them toward the building. “Let's get this day over with. We have a game to prepare for this week and then this weekend we can end it all with a sleepover.”