10. Jameson
jameson
. . .
My knuckles turn white as I grip the edge of the vanity sink.
There is thirty minutes left until I get to see Sam and I am slowly losing my composure from the wait.
I’ve slowly been losing my mind since about nine o’clock last night when I was listening through the device on my phone and heard her tell all her girlfriends about our gritty past, and how she imploded our relationship back then out of misplaced guilt.
Back then I sat by and let her push me away out of sheer stupidity.
I thought I was doing the right thing after already monumentally fucking everything up.
My jaw clenches and I slam my eyes closed while breathing heavily through the torment that has been weighing all night and festering into this morning and afternoon.
Not even my happy baby’s cute smile or little giggles while she plays with her toys and listens to her favorite songs can curb what I’m feeling.
I am going to erupt and if I don't get it together, everything I have been working on for the past twenty-eight months will be for nothing.
Dylan talks to her stuffed animals and I can see her through the crack in the door, stacking them in their beds with their blankets, putting them to sleep for the evening.
I use that time to inhale again and exhale slowly.
My fingers dig into my pocket, searching for the scrap of paper that I look at every day. My reminder of what my end goal is.
Prom with Jameson
Graduate
Take a trip to the beach before the craziness starts!
College (Minnesota, Colorado, Michigan)- top three but will consider others
Live on my own!
Buy my own car
Spend 21st birthday dolled up. Get a limo!
Graduate college with a degree in Sports Management
PWHL!!!!!!
Get engaged
Win the Walter Cup at least 1x
Marry the love of my life
5 more seasons in the PWHL
Babies? Or adopt (unless I haven’t won a Walter Cup yet. Then push for a few more years.)
Live Happily
Retire and coach or manage a team
My fingers run over the list Sam made back in high school.
Her life plan that I keep close at all times, reminding myself everyday of everything I want to give her.
Some things I’ve crossed off already: Prom, Graduate, College, 21st birthday with a limo, live on my own, buy my own car.
While others have happened out of order: Babies.
Despite that, I’ve done everything I can in order to help make sure the rest is on track.
Until last night, I was doing fine. Now, though, I feel like I’ve been thrown for a loop.
All along she’s been feeling guilty when she shouldn’t.
Sam has been wanting me, and my chest squeezes at the thought. I need to move up my plan.
As much as I want to track Sam down and tie her to my bed and force her to tell me everything I heard last night, I know that wouldn’t go over well.
For starters, I can’t explain to her how I know about her secret.
I can’t tell her about the hidden camera I put in the apartment that she lives in, the one that I pay rent on, in order for my girls to live in the safest building close to campus.
Then I’d have to also explain about how the scholarship for housing was created by me, which could lead to other things coming to light.
No, the conversation Sam wants to have with me has to happen at her pace and when she’s ready to talk.
Which, by the sounds of things last night, she’s planning to do soon.
And that is the only silver lining I hold onto while I force myself to fold up the list and place it back in my pocket before I walk and not run out to the living room and scoop up my baby girl.
“All your toys put away, Dyl?”
Her blonde curls bounce when she grabs my face between her palms and turns my head to the side of my living room. “All tucked in!”
“Good job, little Pretty Girl,” I tell her, kissing her cheek and putting her back on her feet. “Let’s get your shoes on, then we can go see Mommy.”
“Mommy!” She cries out happily and takes off toward the door.
I help her into her miniature pink Converse and then tuck her hand in mine as we leave the apartment. Johnny is still in the garage working when we get to the bottom stairs, and as soon as Dylan spots him, she races toward her uncle.
“Unca!” She shouts at the top of her little lungs.
I watch as my brother’s face soften, the way it does only for his little niece.
She’s had all of us Kane men wrapped around her finger since the day she was born.
He picks her up and listens while she babbles on for a few seconds and then she wants to be back down on her feet.
“What are you two up to?” Johnny glances at me before moving back around the car he’s planning to work on tonight.
“Meeting Sam for dinner and then I have that night class I told you about. I was able to get off the waitlist,” I tell him. He nods at me and then points his wrench at my chest.
“You still up for this weekend?”
There’s a flare of excitement in my gut just thinking about the upcoming race. I can’t wait to get on the track and earn some money while schooling this rookie who likes to talk too loud.
“Of course, bro.” I smirk at him, feeling the steady determination to win settle inside me.
Johnny nods his head. “Kalai will be there. Romeo is sending her to pick up his cut, but the rest is yours to pocket.”
The smile on my face freezes at the mention of Kalai.
He was helping this woman out of her car and she hugged him.
She was really pretty. Shit. I need to make this right somehow.
I need Sam to know there is no other woman in my life.
There never has been. I had no idea that she saw Kalai at the shop.
She stops by to get an oil change every few months in exchange for basically being my secretary.
While subjectively Kalai is a beautiful woman, she is nothing compared to my Sammy.
Every interaction with Kalai is also set up through her fiancé Romeo, who happens to be a sponsor of mine, and he’s someone I respect and trust. The hug was friendly, just as I always treat Kalai and Romeo, with respect and friendship.
It's because of Romeo that I’ve come as far as I have in the racing scene.
It's also how I’ve helped support Sam and Dylan over the past couple of years and how I’m saving for the future as well.
“Tell her I’ll talk to her at the race. I don’t really have time before then,” I tell him and see his eyes flash with understanding.
I need a line drawn right now. That world can’t cross over into what I’m building back with Sam and Dylan.
I need to explain to Sam first. I don’t want any more miscommunication between us.
“Daddy, I hungry.” Dylan’s voice draws me down to where she has a hand on my leg. I scoop her up in my arms easily.
“We’re leaving now, Dyl. Daddy just had to talk to Uncle Johnny real quick.”
Dylan shakes her head, her little eyes widening in her small face. “No talk. I want chickies."
I bite back a laugh and keep my face as serious as hers. The exact same look her mom gets when she’s about to cross that line of being hangry. “Later.” I tilt my chin at my brother, who is barely containing his grin as he bends back over the car.
Quickly, I walk over to my truck and fasten Dylan into her car seat in the back.
After starting up the engine, I flip on her favorite songs from the playlist on my phone, not even caring that I’m listening to “Zoo” from the Zootopia 2 soundtrack again.
Dylan sings along during the drive until we get to Josie’s café, where I asked Sam to meet us.
It has the chicken strips Dylan loves and they will have the salmon and rice with veggies that Sam will need to fuel up.
I know this week will be hectic for her with her game schedule. Something else to talk to her about.
We grab a table near the back, where it's warmer than by the windows, and two minutes later Sam arrives.
Her cheeks are rosy, and I admire the way her leggings hug her body while she dotes over our daughter.
What I didn't expect to see was the old Crimson Bay Pirates hoodie she’s wearing from high school.
My hoodie. The one that I left with her one night after she watched me race, and she never gave back.
Fuck. My heart expands in my chest until it feels like it may suffocate me. I wonder if she even realizes it.
“Sorry I’m late,” she says to me, pulling my attention off her sweatshirt, and our eyes connect. “It took me longer to clean up after girls' night than I thought it would so I started my paper later than expected.”
I already knew she had been working on her paper when we left. Again, something I can’t share. Instead, I smile at her, reassuring her it's fine. I’d wait two minutes, two hours, or two lifetimes for this woman. “No worries. We only ordered drinks. I got you the strawberry lemonade you like.”
Her lips turn up in a genuine smile, and she tilts her head toward me. “Thank you for remembering.” Sam sits and gets comfortable before turning to Dylan. “What did you and daddy do last night, baby girl?”
“Watch Punzel!” Dylan tells her with a huge smile.
“Oh Rapunzel again,” Sam says, her eyes widening on me with a hint of a teasing smile on her lips.
I fight to keep the grimace off my face.
Dylan would not be happy if she saw my reaction to her favorite movie.
There’s nothing wrong with the movie, but when it's been played over and over, it gets to be too much.
“Whatever my little Pretty Girl wants,” I end up answering with a shrug, seemingly appeasing both of them.
We order dinner and then I fill Sam in on everything Dylan did over the weekend.
She colored me, Gramps and Johnny new pictures, no glitter this time.
She watched her movie, played with her dolls, and we made homemade pizza for dinner one night.
Sam watches us with a smile on her lips the entire time and asks Dylan questions throughout.
The longer we sit and talk the more I start to realize how much I love this.
We’ve never had a family dinner until the other week and we’ve never sat down, just the three of us, to talk.
Those thoughts alone could bring me to my knees if I was standing.
“Are you okay?” Sam asks, her eyes thoughtful.
I nod and lean toward her, my arms folding on the table. “I just realized we’ve never had many meals together with Dylan. I like it.”
Her gaze drops to the table, and when she glances at me again, her shoulders are stiff and she bites her lip nervously. “I do too. Would this be something you’d want to do more often?”
My lips part in shock, and it takes everything inside me to hold back from reaching across the table to show her how much. “I want this more than anything, Sam.”
Her cheeks pinken, and she looks everywhere but at me while her mind whirls with a comeback.
I know I’m making her unsure. After her revelation with her friends, I can tell she thinks she’s on shaky ground, even though she isn't. With me, she never has been.
Wanting to give her a break, I change the subject.
“I was thinking I could take Dylan to your home game again next week. She really liked it and it gives us the opportunity to get out of the house. Would that be okay?”
Her eyes glisten and she looks at our girl before smiling softly at me. “I liked having her there. Both of you.”
“It's a plan then.” I nod my head. “I’ll pick her up beforehand just like last time and get her dinner then we’ll go to your game.”
Our food arrives then and we all dig in, enjoying every bite.
I watch my girls eat and feel whole. I catch Sam watching me a few times, and every time our eyes meet, it's like a jolt to my gut.
Dylan keeps us busy during the meal, and by the end of it, she has a ketchup stain on her shirt.
When it's time to leave, my whole body protests against it. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my girls.
“Bye daddy,” Dylan says to me, her lips pressing a smacking kiss on my cheek.
“Bye Dyl. Be good for mommy, okay,” I tell her, and she nods her head. She looks sleepy already, so hopefully she’ll go to bed good for Sam.
“Thanks for dinner, Kane,” Sam says when I turn to her. I really should move. I should step back, but I don’t. I hand Dylan to her, and before Sam can move out of my hold, I press a kiss to her cheek.
“I’ll see you both soon, Sammy.” She’s stunned as she stares at me.
With one last look at my whole world, I leave the cafe and force myself to walk to the truck.
I watch through the windshield while Sam straps Dylan into the car seat in her Jeep.
I don’t leave until I see them drive out of the parking lot.
Only then do I drive to my night class. The whole time I keep the app up on my phone that lets me see inside Sam’s apartment.
I watch as they get home and start their nighttime routine.
I like knowing they made it home safely.
I’m beyond ecstatic that Sam agreed for us to see her next game.
And even more so that she is open to more family dinners.
It’s time to put the next phase of my plan into action.