Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lexi
My childhood bedroom still had the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.
I noticed them the first night home, lying flat on my back because my ribs wouldn't let me lay any other way.
I stared up at the faded green constellations Jake and I had stuck up there when I was eleven and obsessed with astronauts.
Half of them had lost their glow years ago.
They were plastic scabs now, clinging to paint that needed a fresh coat.
I’d been here for four days, and I was beyond ready to go back. To be able to breathe, because while I loved her, she was suffocating me. She hovered over me like I was physically unable to do anything. I was hurt, not fucking broken.
The bruising on my ribs had gone from an angry purple-black to a sickly yellow-green, the kind of color that looked worse because it was a reminder of everything I went through.
I had nightmares every night, some ended with a rescuer, and some ended badly.
It was constant, and painful to relieve those moments over and over again, much like the accident.
My eye had mostly healed, a faint shadow left under it.
The cuts on my arm were scabbed over, thin pink lines that would probably scar, all things I never asked for.
I want them gone.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror every morning taking inventory as if I was checking a car for damage after a wreck.
Mom knocked on my door around eight, "Are you up?"
"Yeah," I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.
She opened the door, and the smell of bacon entered the room. “Breakfast is ready. How are you feeling?”
I stood up, a slight hiss coming from my mouth. “Okay.”
She raised an eyebrow, “Are you lying to me?”
"No," yes, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.
She almost smiled. Almost.
We went downstairs, and my eyes widened, stomach grumbling. There were eggs, bacon, toast, and fruit. Yummy. Before I was in the hospital, I hadn’t had her food in years. Mom was one of the best cooks I’d ever been around, and losing the ability to have her home cooked meals truly sucked.
I sat down at the kitchen table and wondered if Mom ever found out that Jake had carved his initials into the wood at the age of nine as a prank. He swore me to secrecy that day and I still hadn’t told a soul....
I came downstairs, and noticed Jake laying under the table. I went over there and bent over, trying to see.
My forehead creased, “What are you doing?”
He jumped, and a laugh escaped my lips. “I scared you! Take that!”
He looked over and glared. “Shut up, you’re so immature.” I rolled my eyes, yeah I’m the one that’s immature when he and Kayden were trying to scare me all the time.
Stupid boys.
“What exactly are you doing?” I layed down next to him, and noticed he had a knife in his hands.
“Have you lost your mind? Mom is going to kill you!” I was able to see that he was carving his name into the table.
“Shhh, if you snitch you’re going to get it. I’m pranking Mom.”
“Why on earth are you doing that? You know pranking Mom is a very sticky situation, one I want no part of.”
He scoffed, “Well, you’re involved now. If you tell her, you’re dead meat.”
Yeah, no thanks. I rolled over, not wanting to be caught in his madness. “Good luck with that,” I left the room and went outside to swing. As we got older it seemed he was more and more involved in doing stupid stuff to make Mom mad. And when she was mad, it was best to stay clear.
I blinked out of the memory and noticed she was looking at me. “Did you say something?”
“I asked if you’re okay.”
"I’m fine. You don't have to keep doing this," I said, gesturing at the spread. "I can make my own breakfast."
"I know you can." She sat across from me with her coffee, not touching her own plate yet. "I like doing it."
“I guess your brother never got the chance to tell you, but I know what he did.”
My body froze, hand mid air with a piece of toast I was going to place on my plate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She rolled her eyes, “I’m not stupid. He was trying to prank me, and he put his initials under the table. I don’t know why he thought that was a good prank, but in the end I’m thankful for it because of the memory.”
Freaking Jake.
I bit my lip and put the bread on the plate. “He swore me to secrecy, but I had no part in it.”
“I know you didn’t. Both of those boys were always trying to get you involved even if it was bad. You don’t have to worry though, I did get him back.” She winked, and a laugh escaped my lips.
God, I missed this.
We became quiet when we started stuffing our faces, but then a thought occurred to me.
“Now that you and Mr. Daniel aren’t together anymore, are you going to keep the house?”
Her forehead wrinkled, "I've thought about it a lot, actually."
"And?" My fork was raised mid-air, and I held my breath.
"I think I’m still going to sell.”
I slammed my fork down, a little harder than I meant to, appetite gone. “What? Why?”
"It's too big for one person," she continued, "I rattle around in it. There’s rooms I don't go into anymore because there's no reason to. Your old room, Jake's old room...but to be completely honest with you, it’s too fucking hard. I lost my husband, the love of my life, and my son. I know you know what it’s like to grieve because you’re doing it too, but the pain is different when it’s your husband and son. Neither of whom you’re supposed to bury first.”
I got quiet, thinking about it. It’s too fucking hard, she’d said. Maybe I was being too hard on her. Hold on, she was being hard on you too. You’ve been grieving and hurting as much as she has, don’t go forgiving her for everything.
"What if you got a roommate?”
She shook her head, “I don’t really trust that, and having a roommate when I’m this old, no thank you. That’s something you do in college or early twenties, not in your fifties."
As her eyes roamed around the room, they filled with tears and I instantly felt bad for bringing it up.
My chest tightened, “Mom...”
She sighed, “I’m not selling the house because I want to erase you, your brother, or your father.
I’m doing it so I can start healing. So I can breathe and feel like I’m whole again.
Dating Kayden’s father was a mistake. I know that now.
We were two friends who should’ve never gotten involved, but it was better than being alone.
Now I’m learning that being alone is okay.
Being able to know who I am without them is important, and I need the time, energy and a fresh start to do that. ”
“Where are you going to move?”
She shrugged, “I don’t know yet, but I plan to stay in the area.”
A smile tilted her lips, “I’m not selling it tomorrow or anytime soon. I wanted you to know that I do plan to do it, and I hope you’ll be okay with my decision.”
For a minute, it was almost like things used to be.
Granted, Mom never showed me as much attention as she showed Jake and Kayden, but the love was there.
It seemed that for so long we’d lost who we were, angry at each other for the way things played out when we were supposed to come together and support one another through it.
Even though things weren’t perfect, I was hoping that in time I could forgive her, and she could forgive me.
“Are you sure you’re ready to be back here? You can move in with me over the summer.” Mom asked as she helped me unload my bag and take it back in the dorm.
I shook my head, “I’m sure. I’m taking summer classes to make up for lost time.”
“They’re going to let you stay in this dorm?”
I nodded, “We won’t have to move until we graduate.”
Her body relaxed, and she placed the bag on her shoulders.
I unlocked the dorm and turned on the lights, going and opening my door. Hazel wasn’t here because she was working at the rink.
Mom set the bag down and closed the door behind her. We’d already talked to the police and filed a report that I wanted to press charges; hopefully something would be done, and soon.
I’d planned to avoid seeing Garcia and Ivy for the foreseeable future.
If for some reason I saw them on campus, I’d go in the other direction, or surround myself with people so we were never alone.
I hoped they’d have some severe consequences, but I also was realistic and knew if there was any money involved and their families had that, things would probably work out for them.
I still hadn’t heard from Kayden, but I didn’t think I would. I pushed him away and told him that I needed space. Hazel told me the guys took off to the NHL combine which was all the way in New York, so the possibility of seeing him somewhere other than television wasn’t going to happen.
Time to move on.
Is that really what I wanted though? To move on from him?
No. He’s the only one I wanted, and not being in his arms fucking sucked.
“What’s next?” Mom asked, and I couldn’t answer her. One thing I did know was that I needed to move forward with my plan of healing.
“I’m going to attend therapy. My first session is next week.”
Her eyes widened, as if it was weird thinking of me going to therapy. It is weird. I didn’t necessarily want to talk about what I was going through to a stranger, but if I couldn’t talk about it, could I ever really heal?
“Will you let me know how that goes?”
I nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Well, if you’re alright, I’m going to head home. If you need anything, I want you to call or text. I’m going to be better about being a parent to you, and while it may take some time because we got off course for a while, I want you to know that I’m going to try.”
Wetness gathered in my gaze, and instead of wiping it away, I let it fall. We had been on our outs and I’d been alone for so long. It was good to know that she would be there.
“Thank you,” I said, as I pulled out the stool to sit down.
A yawn escaped my lips. I think it’s time for a nap...or three.
“Your medicine is in the bag, please make sure you take it.”
“Yes ma’am.”
She left shortly after and a piece of my heart sewed itself back together.
If only I could get all of it to become one again.