Chapter Thirty-Six
KAYDEN
It’d been a couple days since I walked out of her room, and it was like I had my ass handed to me.
I honestly thought that when I told her how I’d felt, how I loved her, that she would welcome it. I never expected her to shut me down, crushing my heart into a million fucking pieces.
This is why you should’ve stayed away. Shut down the distractions, kept yourself on track.
I couldn’t fucking do that though. I couldn’t stay away from her, no matter how much I wanted to.
Training had become my escape.
Every morning, I was up before the sun, running drills until my legs burned. I pushed myself harder than I ever had, skating until the ice felt like it was melting beneath my blades.
My mind wouldn’t shut up. I couldn’t sleep, and I could barely eat. I turned into someone I didn’t even recognize. Falling in love with her, after years of wanting her and telling myself I couldn’t have her, royally screwed me up.
The thought of not being with her, not being able to protect her, made me a failure. I’d promised Jake I would protect her, even if that meant pushing her away, and what did I do? Fall in love with her only to be pushed away by her.
I spent hours in the gym, lifting until my muscles trembled and sweat dripped down my face.
I worked with the team's nutritionist, forcing myself to eat when I had no appetite, because my body needed fuel.
I met with scouts and agents, answering their questions with the same rehearsed confidence I'd been practicing for months.
"Why should we draft you?"
"What sets you apart from other players?"
"How do you handle pressure?"
They got the answers they wanted to hear. I smiled, shook hands, and played the part. Like someone who belonged. On the outside it seemed like I was okay, but on the inside...I was falling apart.
I was putting things in my locker when Dylan, Kellan, and Torin cornered me in the locker room.
"Alright, we need to talk," Dylan said, dropping his bag on the bench with a thud that echoed off the tile.
I didn't look up. This can’t be good. "About what?"
"The fact that you look like a fucking ghost," Kellan scolded, leaning against the lockers, arms crossed. "You've lost weight, and not the good kind. It’s fucking unhealthy, man."
"I've been training."
"You've been starving yourself and calling it discipline," Torin piped in next. "There's a difference."
Leave me alone.
I slammed the locker door shut, and the sound bounced off the room.
"I'm fine," I said through clenched teeth.
"Bullshit," all three of them exclaimed at the same time, like they'd rehearsed it.
"You've skated every morning before the sun's even up," Dylan added, "You've been in the weight room every night till it closes.
You answer every question from every scout like a fucking robot, and when practice ends, you disappear.
You don't come out with us anymore. You don't talk.
You just—" he gestured at me, at all of me, like I was proof of his point.
"This isn't training, Kayden. This is you running from something. "
"I'm not running from anything." Damn, I can't even be honest with myself.
"Then what the hell are you doing?" Kellan asked.
I didn't answer, because the truth was more complicated. The fact that I’d had her, and then lost her because of a stupid decision I made, well, that was the part that fucked me up the most.
"He's thinking about her," Torin smirked, the fucker reading the words right off my face.
My fingers dug into my palms. "Drop it."
"No," Dylan said, and there was an edge in his voice I wasn't used to hearing from him.
"We're not gonna drop it, because you're about to run yourself into the ground right before the biggest week of our lives. We refuse to sit back and watch you destroy everything you worked hard for. And, from what I know about Lexi, she’ll put your balls in a blender if you fuck this up because of her.”
"I'm handling it." Quit lying to yourself. You’re not handling it, you’re losing your fucking mind.
"You call this handling it?" Kellan gestured to the dark circles under my eyes, the way my hands hadn't quite stopped shaking since Garcia's blood had been on my knuckles. "You look like you haven't slept in a week."
"I haven't,” my body stiffened. Fuck, I didn’t mean to say that.
"Yeah," his brow raised, "That's what we thought."
I sat down on the bench, elbows on my knees, staring at the floor. The tile was scuffed and stained, years of sweat and blood soaked into it. "I fell in love with her instead of keeping her at a distance like I was supposed to. I fucked up.”
Nobody said anything for a second.
"That's not fucking it up," Torin added. "That's what happened. You can't help who you fall for."
"I told her she was a mistake." My voice cracked on the word, and I hated it. "I said that to her, and then I went and told her I loved her, just for her to close the door on us. I don’t blame her, not after the way I treated her. But it still fucking sucks.”
"And you’re going to keep punishing yourself for it?” Kellan asked. "Starving, not sleeping, running yourself into the fucking ground right before the combine? That's your plan?"
"I don't have a plan."
"That's the problem," Dylan said.
"You've wanted this...since you were little. Don’t let what happened with her screw up the only thing you’ve dreamed about. She wouldn’t want that for you. Hell, neither would Jake.”
Fuck, these assholes. I swallowed, my throat parched, like I hadn’t drank anything in hours. Maybe they’re right. I need to fucking wake up because even if I lose her for good, I can’t lose everything else. Life will go on with or without me.
“Fine,” I stood up and stretched.
“You’ve been cooped up in that apartment. Grab a bag, and come back to the hockey house for a few nights. Being by yourself twenty-four-seven isn’t doing you any good. We’re having a party and you’re fucking coming.”
Demanding assholes.
"I’m not in the mood.”
"Good thing nobody asked what you wanted," Torin grinned. "You’re going. This is the last one before we all go our separate ways."
"I have training in the morning."
"You have training every morning," Dylan rolled his eyes. "One night off isn't going to kill you. Might actually help, believe it or not. You're wound so tight you're gonna blow. I'd rather you snap on a dance floor with a beer in your hand than snap in the middle of a scouting interview."
Touche.
“One night, that’s all you assholes get.”
"That's my boy," Kellan said, clapping me on the back hard enough to make me stumble forward.
Fuckers.
As soon as I parked the car in the driveway, the music from the living room was loud enough that it overpowered the stereo in the car. Fuck, they really are trying to wake the whole damn neighborhood. I turned off the engine and sat, not wanting to be around people.
The only one I want to be around doesn’t care to be around me.
When I got inside, bodies were everywhere. Dancing, making out, playing beer games. It was wild. The smell of piss and alcohol made me want to vomit. I didn’t realize how much I’d grown up in the last year, but college parties were a thing of the past. I didn’t enjoy them as much as I used to.
"Kayden!" Someone shouted from across the room, and before I could figure out who, I was being pulled into a bear hug by one of the freshman defensemen, beer sloshing dangerously close to my shirt.
"Uh, hey," I said, patting his back and extracting myself. He didn’t say a word, just nodded and went off to find a girl. Weird.
Kellan handed me a cup. "Drink.”
I saluted him, “Yes, sir.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re a jackass.”
A smile tilted my lips, “Goes both ways.”
Torin had commandeered the kitchen table for beer pong, and within ten minutes he'd roped me into a game against two guys from the football team who clearly thought their size gave them an advantage.
It didn't.
We crushed them two games in a row, and for the first time in weeks, I laughed. A real one, not the practiced one I gave scouts.
"See," Dylan teased, appearing at my side with a grin. "Was that so hard?"
I shoved him, and he slightly lost his balance. A laugh escaped my lips.
The night continued on like that and it was fun. I let go of everything that was bothering me and focused on being around my friends, because we wouldn’t have that much longer together. Soon, everything would change.