Chapter Forty
LEXI
The rink stood in front of me, the beautifully laid ice waiting patiently for me to take the dive and lace up my skates. I stood inside the doors for a second too long, and I couldn’t move.
You can do this. Once again, you can conquer your biggest fears.
"You okay?" Hazel asked, not looking up from her laces.
"I'm fine."
"You've been standing there for like ninety seconds."
"I'm counting my blessings."
She snorted, and it made me want to laugh. I sat down next to her and pulled my skates out. She shoved my shoulder playfully, “Stop stressing so much. I’m here and Dad is around. You aren’t alone this time. Let loose and let go.”
I took a deep breath, easier said than done.
I laced my skates a little slower than I used to, testing the tightness against ribs that still complained about anything too snug. When I stood up, my legs wobbled for half a second before muscle memory kicked back in.
"Ready?" Hazel asked.
I shook my head, “Nope.”
She rolled her eyes, “Come on. It’ll be fine.”
The first few strides were the hardest.
I skated deliberate loops around the rink, keeping close to the boards at first, one hand trailing along the edge like I was thirteen and learning all over again.
I breathed through my nose, trying to ignore the slight pain.
Hazel skated a few lengths ahead, giving me space without disappearing, glancing back every so often.
“You alright?”
I nodded, but didn’t respond.
Suddenly, APT by Rose and Bruno Mars came on the speaker, and my hips started to move. I let myself get lost in the music and one by one, my legs glided me away from the wall, and out to the middle of the rink.
Hazel was in front of me, doing her own thing, but I turned my back to her and skated backwards, trying to continue to get myself even more comfortable.
My mind drifted to Kayden. It was always to him. My heart was filled with both pain and adoration for the man I couldn't get out of my system. Hazel and I watched the draft. We held hands, felt nauseous, and got angry together when at each turn it wasn't Dylan or Kayden's name called.
Then Dylan got his answer and we celebrated but my stomach still rolled for Kayden. Why hadn't he been called. Was it because of me? Because of what he did to Garcia? Was he being punished?
Rationally I knew it was still early, and that sometimes the top players got chosen later in the process. That didn’t mean I wasn’t freaking out.
Then, it was the Cobras on the clock. My heart was pounding so fast like it would beat out of my chest. The General Manager stood at the mic, and silence followed.
It was as if I knew, this was his moment.
His shot. They needed a Center and they were an amazing team.
Time stood still as I heard Kayden's name get announced.
We rejoiced in dancing, laughing, and screaming out in support, but then the reality came crushing down.
He’ll be states away.
At least then I knew it hadn't been because of the fight with Garcia. Both Ivy and Garcia had been arrested and charged ...
I thought back to the man I loved and how he was going to be states away, and how I’d wished I would’ve told him how I felt. I’m such an idiot.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, the pain of him being too far away, and falling in love with someone else heavy on my mind. My body became numb, my legs gliding along naturally, but everything else was stiff because my thoughts drifted toward darkness instead of light.
Get out of my head Kayden. Ugh!
I didn’t know how long I'd been out there; twenty minutes, maybe thirty? Hazel was off the ice, and as I looked around, she was sitting on the benches, headphones in, face buried in her phone.
I released a heavy breath, shoulders falling, knowing I wasn’t alone. She’s still here.
Thank fuck.
The side door swung open and slammed shut with a violent thud. I ignored it, knowing it was probably someone else getting ready to practice since the rink was about to open.
“You’re on my ice, Mouse!” A deep voice called out.
My skates skidded to a stop, flecks of ice going up in the air, when the rest of my body froze.
No, it couldn’t be. Could it? Kayden?
I turned, and there he was. The world’s most perfect specimen, his blue gaze held a dangerous glint, one that told me I’d be in trouble for crossing him.
He didn’t have skates on, but he walked towards the center of the ice, where I was standing, with a plain shirt and gray sweats.
His blonde hair was a mess, and I wanted so badly to run my fingers through it.
I titled my head to the side, "Excuse me?"
"The rink, it’s mine. I've been skating here since freshman year. You're cutting into my personal practice time." A smirk lifted on his lips; one I wanted to kiss right off.
I glared, “Kayden.”
"Lexi,” he mocked, and it reminded me of when we were younger. I miss those days.
I crossed my arms over my chest, which made my ribs complain, and that annoyed me even more. "What do you want? Why are you here?" I paused, because underneath the irritation was something genuine. "Congratulations, by the way."
His eyes crinkled at the corners. "Thank you."
He came to a stop a few feet in front of me and the smirk faded into a frown. "I'm not staying," he said. "I came to clean out my locker. Pick up the last of my stuff from the equipment room." He rubbed the back of his neck, "The flight leaves tomorrow morning."
Tomorrow. Fuck, tomorrow?
No, no, no. I thought we had more time. I pushed him away and now he was going to be gone, forever. Fuck. What did I do?
"Oh,” my stomach churned.
He looked at me, but didn’t say a word. As if he was waiting for me to say something. Anything. But I couldn't. I didn't know what to say or how to feel.
"I saw you out here and couldn't leave without saying something," he said. "I tried to talk myself out of it. Told myself you needed space, which you do. But I’d rather have you be mad at me than wondering if I was going to come back at all.”
Butterflies, tingles, whatever it was flooded my system. It was so much easier when I hated him. When I didn’t love him.
"I love you,” and hearing those words again for the second time, did something to me. His eyes were intense, never breaking contact with mine.
Why can’t I say it to him? Why can’t I say it out loud?
“As much as I want you to, you don’t need me. You’re healing all on your own, and that’s something I can’t take away from you.”
My heart is literally breaking. Is this all there is for us? Are we going to be one of those love stories that don’t have a happy ending?
I let out a shaky breath. Why did this feel like a break up? Fuck, I wanted to pull out my hair.
I looked down at the ice between us. You can do this, be brave. You can fucking do this. Don’t let him go.
"I'm in therapy," I confessed, not knowing how he would take it.
"Really?” His voice went up a pitch, and I knew he was surprised but I still refused to look at him.
"I'm not going to put that on pause for anyone. Not even you."
"I'd never ask you to, Lex." God, I love it when he says my name like that.
"The distance...it’s going to suck, but...but I want to try.” I said, looking up at him.
His eyes widened, “You’re serious?”
I nodded. I wanted him; I couldn’t think about not having him at all. Even if we took things slow, that would be okay. Losing him completely wasn’t an option.
He wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up in the air, and swinging me around as if he’d won the lottery. As he lowered me, my body rubbed against his, and our lips collided.
He broke away, eyes heated. “I love you.”
My stomach flipped, “I love you too.”
This was Kayden, my brother’s best friend and my almost step brother. He was my worst enemy, and the love of my life. If we could get through the death of my brother, we could get through anything.