Chapter 7 #4
I nodded in agreement with her. I wanted to be the kind of mother who balanced it all without compromising in either role.
I believed there should be a balance, otherwise it would bring resentment or animosity.
My mother was a prime example. She only gave birth to me because she believed it would be financially beneficial to her.
According to the gossipers in my family, she tried to trap a big-time music producer, and she believed her plan worked.
Once she gave birth to me, he and his family demanded a DNA test, and it turned out I wasn’t his.
My mother was horrified because her plan backfired, and she no longer carried a meal ticket in her pocket. She hated me after that, and she no longer had a reason to keep me. People often asked me when I planned to have children, but the truth was, I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure.
A child wasn’t some cute bag or accessory you put on and take off because it’s fun. Motherhood was a major commitment, and it should be entered into with thoughtfulness and preparedness. I might carry my trauma well, but it didn’t mean it was nonexistent.
“Roxy, you deserve to have a life outside of your children, and no one should make you feel bad about choosing yourself. At the end of the day, if you don’t feel happy, whole, and fulfilled, you aren’t going to be able to give them the best version of yourself.
Don’t ever feel guilty for needing some time to yourself.
Society puts a stigma on women, but fathers never get the same heat.
“You are a mother, but you’re not just that, and you shouldn’t have to beg your husband to understand where you’re coming from.
He couldn’t walk a day in your shoes, so his opinion should come secondary to yours.
As far as him cheating, you’d better do him like Madea taught Lisa in Madea’s Family Reunion.
Boil some grits and toss them on his ass,” I advised.
Truthfully, I wanted to tell her that her husband was a pretentious prick who didn’t give a fuck about her needs.
The fact that he was cheating with his assistant was on track for a man like him.
They thrived off power and ego. If you weren’t willing to stroke their ego, they would find someone who would.
“I never thought I wanted to be a mother, but the way Keonte has been fucking me, I swear I heard the sound of a baby crying when he came in me last night. I’m trying to decide if I’m ready to turn in my baddie chain and pop out with a couple of kids in a few years, or if I should enjoy the moment and go back to being a dawg when I get back home. ”
“Yeah, you still haven’t told us how the two of you hooked up. As cozy as the two of you seem, this doesn’t feel like a random vacation fling.” I pointed out. China’s face flushed with embarrassment like a child who had been caught stealing cookies from the kitchen.
“Well, it isn’t exactly random. Keonte and I used to mess around years ago,” China revealed.
“Excuse me? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?” I squealed as I clutched my chest.
“I don’t know, Lai. When it first happened, it was around the time we were first introduced.
We lived in two different states, so there was no point in us trying to make a relationship out of what we were doing.
We would link up whenever he came to visit, and there were times he flew me out to see him.
Neither of us was looking for anything serious, so we decided to have fun and enjoy each other for however long we wanted to. ”
“Why did you guys stop messing around?” I probed. There was something she was leaving out, and I wanted to know what it was.
“Well, at some point, things started to become too heavy, and I decided to pull back. There was no point in getting all my feelings involved when we weren’t planning to be together. Then their grandmother passed, and he came back to town, and we hooked up again.”
“Okay… then what happened?”
China took a big gulp of her drink before she turned to face us.
“I found out I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to be a single mother, so I got an abortion. I kept it from him, but when he came down to visit, he found out when he was working on my car. He found the paperwork in the glove compartment and cut me off.”
“China, no.” I covered my mouth in shock because the two of us never kept secrets from each other, and this was a major secret for her to have held on to for so long.
“I know. I know. I felt like shit afterward, but the damage had already been done. In my mind, what we had wasn’t serious, and I thought he would eventually walk away anyway. You know I’m a self-sabotager. I can’t help it.”
She wasn’t lying. China had been a runner when it came to relationships. As soon as things got too deep, she was on the first thing smoking. I was always the hopeless romantic out of the two of us.
“Well, I’m new here, but it seems like he’s smitten with you.
Hell, both of you ladies seem to have reconnected with men who worship the ground you walk on.
Laikyn, you should have seen the look on Kyon’s face as he watched you and Kalvin at dinner.
He looked as if he wanted to come across the table and put his hands on the man,” Roxy added.
“I can only imagine. A part of me wanted to laugh when I saw you all at the dinner table. When I first saw Kyon, it never occurred to me that he was the client Kalvin was pressed to work with. I wanted to fall through the floor when I saw the way he glared at us when we walked in.”
“Yeah, Aaron gave me the third degree all night behind the two of you. He was convinced I must have known about what was going on. Then he quizzed me on how we knew each other. When I told him, he refused to believe me, so I told him to fuck off.” Roxy shrugged her shoulders as if she was unbothered.
“I think all of the men were caught off guard. A part of me feels bad for Kalvin because of how important the deal was to him, but he burned a bridge with me. I know I’m going to have to talk to him because we have property together and my stuff is still at the house, but I really don’t want anything to do with him,” I admitted.
The way Kalvin attacked me in the room still haunted me, but I chose not to mention it because Kyon was big on protecting those he loved. I couldn’t risk him getting into trouble for trying to be there for me.
“I wish we weren’t on this ship because I know Kyon would have beaten him unconscious. You already know how crazy he is about you,” China added.
“Yeah, well, I don’t agree. I just got my man back, and I’m not interested in visiting him from cellblock C.”
“Ooh wee. Look at you already calling him your man again. I’m happy for you, Cousin.
I witnessed firsthand what that breakup did to you, and you deserve to be happy with a man who truly loves you.
Kyon is your person, and he always has been.
I feel bad because he used to be in my inbox begging to talk to you, and I eventually blocked him. Guess I owe him an apology too.”
“Don’t even remind me. Kyon keeps telling me not to feel guilty, but I can’t help it.
I trusted Kyon with every part of me, but it all went out the window when I saw those photos.
It never once dawned on me that someone could be cruel enough to play God with our lives.
” I downed the rest of my drink as I tried to focus on the positives in the situation.
“He’s right, Cousin. I saw those same photos, and you couldn’t convince me he wasn’t a lowdown dirty dog. The only people who should carry the blame are those losers who set him up. I know you want him to stay out of trouble, but I hope he gets revenge on them. They cost the two of you so much.”
“I don’t want revenge, China. What we went through was awful, but having him back in my life outweighs all of the hell we experienced. All I want to do is live a happy and healthy life with my man and rebuild everything that was destroyed.”
I meant what I said. As angry as I could be, I wasn’t. Having Kyon back in my life filled every void from the last three years. We both used our time apart to focus on ourselves and build the lives we wanted. Now we could come back together stronger than ever.
The ladies and I went back to the beach with the men and watched them play football in the sand while sipping our drinks and talking shit.
Kyon’s friend Nigel joined us, and we all had a good time until it was time to board the ship.
Kyon and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other and ended up ordering room service while we locked ourselves in the room for the rest of the night.
We were making up for lost time, and I was enjoying every second of it.