Chapter 8 Kalina
KALINA
Six days came and went. Every morning, I opened my eyes and found myself in the same dimly lit bedroom. And each night, I succumbed to sleep to the peace of not hearing Erik or Yusef’s voices. Their cruel words lingered in my mind, never to be erased, but they weren’t here, wherever here was.
I didn’t hear anything.
Due to how deep down I was locked into panic and unsure of how to move past the shift of my captivity under my brother to what seemed like a new and more pampered version of captivity in this room, I was too scared to treat these last six days as peace.
I didn’t know what that was.
I last experienced it when I was twelve years old, when my parents were still alive.
All I knew now was the torture and training. The conditioning that Yusef beat into me. The expectations that Erik reminded me of, over and over again. The inevitable fate that I would be sold to a man who would abuse me and want me for nothing more than to breed me.
That was all I knew.
Peace wasn’t part of my vocabulary anymore.
That misery with my brother and his friend was all I knew, all I was subjected to, and it was all I had to compare this with.
This isolation, because that tall man, Alexsei, didn’t come back.
Raisa stayed away. Nurses came and went.
A doctor came in to assess me. Cooks and maids would bring in food and water.
Behind them all, an armed soldier would appear.
Perhaps these people were more cautious because I first woke up in such a violent panic.
I felt no remorse about striking out in my effort to get away.
Waking up in a strange place and finding myself with an IV stuck in my skin would frighten anyone.
Because I didn’t want to be sedated again, I lay there still and silent, watching the staff come in.
Visitors didn’t bother.
Erik and Yusef didn’t show up.
No man came into my room, claiming to be my husband.
And still, I was too tense and unable to trust anyone.
What if it’s all a ploy?
What if this is another level of manipulation for me to survive?
I had no way to know.
Always sheltered and locked up and kept from society, I didn’t know.
I didn’t have any street smarts. The only thing I could rely on was myself—listening to my instinct was the only tool I had.
Nervous and scared, I couldn’t resist the need to retreat into this numb shell, not speaking or reacting to anyone coming in or out of this room.
My gut instinct was… to be quiet as I waited to see what would follow.
Just quiet. I didn’t react or speak to anyone.
Not even the doctor who asked me questions about what happened to me.
Not the kind-looking woman with short black hair who said she used to be a cop and could help me.
None of them. Until I knew what they wanted from me and what the new expectations were for me to follow, I had to be careful.
Yet, Yusef didn’t come.
Erik didn’t appear.
Those facts remained constant, in the forefront of my mind as I tried not to feel so lost and scrambled from what I’d known for so long.
I had to understand what was coming before I could trust these people. Before I could want my cousin Raisa near me, because she, too, had fallen to the same fate I wanted to escape.
She’d been bred. I refused to be controlled like that.
With every passing day that I remained conscious and avoided sedation, I focused on regaining my strength. And eating real food. Actual, substantial meals. Not stale or moldy junk. Not bland or processed crap.
Real food.
Because this is the real world. Isn’t it?
I wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t anymore. That was how deeply my trauma had ruined me. I stood here, staring out the window, and sighed as I wondered how I could feel like I was always trapped and looking from within.
Without any answers to anything, I rested and tolerated the distance they gave me.
In the back of my mind, I was convinced that this was all just another step of preparing me for my marriage that would happen in seven weeks.
Yet, as my bruises faded and my body stayed warm and fed, I wanted to hope that I could be strong again to escape once more.
I had only tasted a sample of freedom. That one run outside into the cold.
When the open sky stretched so wide and large over my head.
When I had no orders to follow. I had to get back to that experience of being free.
Because no matter how long Erik and Yusef tried to damage my brain and wreck my soul, a tiny sliver of me wasn’t broken. Buried under the ugly memories, I was still me. And I knew I deserved freedom. Maybe sometime, I could believe I deserved happiness, too.
On the evening of the sixth night, the maid didn’t close the door all the way.
A little more light fell into the room, but that slip of freedom didn’t tempt me.
Not now. Since I had resumed my habit of pacing, I had walked across the room to stare out the window.
Catching the sun setting over the distant cityscape was the closest to freedom that I could enjoy.
Besides, I wasn’t stupid enough to escape yet.
I could’ve opened that door before now. I checked on the second day whether it was locked. It wasn’t, but with the consistent show of guards, I knew I’d be stopped outside this room, too. And I wasn’t strong enough to fight with a gun.
The door remained ajar.
Staying still in the shadows near the window, I sighed again and stared outside.
And I listened.
“Did she eat much of her dinner?” a woman asked.
It wasn’t Raisa speaking. I catalogued what her mature, adult voice was like. Sounds were one of the tools I’d honed to pay attention to in my captivity.
It was the one who claimed to be a cop. Sadie.
“Yes, ma’am,” the maid replied. “She has been eating all of her meals.”
“No wonder,” Alexsei said, clearly joining them. They had to have very thick carpet out there because it was frustratingly impossible to hear people walking out there, to determine who was walking where.
His voice was one I’d catalogued as well.
Alexsei. The one Raisa tried to convince me to view as a friend. Family. As if those concepts meant anything to me anymore.
He was a man. For that reason alone, I couldn’t trust him.
I couldn’t trust anyone.
“She was skin and bones when I found her on that bench in Central Park.”
I furrowed my brow and considered that. That’s right.
I’d run outside and found the strange woman in Central Park. The homeless woman in the snow. I had been homeless for fourteen years, but she seemed to be a street dweller, free to roam the world as she pleased.
So that was where they found me. Lying on a bench in the cold.
He hadn’t said the words with judgment, though. He wasn’t criticizing me. Somehow, I got the weird impression that he was concerned about the fact that I had been so starved when I was found.
“She needs more time to eat. To rest,” he claimed.
I wouldn’t argue with that. I felt almost spoiled to have consistent food and the chance to sleep in a bed with real linens and a pillow under my head. Those were luxuries my brother forbade me from all this time.
Even though he spoke with kindness that seemed like concern, I couldn’t help but worry that his words meant he was trying to dictate my life. That he would determine what I needed. That they would decide for me.
When would it ever end?
When could I live my life?
When could I be free?
Even now, away from my brother and Yusef, I was trapped in this numb defense mechanism, mute and shocked.
“I’m not sure how much longer the boss will be patient for her to snap out of this quiet spell,” Sadie said.
“Nothing good will come from any of us trying to question her before she’s ready to speak,” Alexsei said.
It sounded like he wanted to defend me, but I refused to trust it. I wasn’t able to trust anything, not even my mind when I was stuck in limbo like this.
“You see how she is,” he added. “This isn’t just fear she is trying to get through. Whatever happened to her when Erik and Yusef had her, it was worse than what you are probably imagining. She is stuck in a trauma response, and trying to push her past it won’t work.”
What the hell?
Is that… sympathy?
I shook my head, too scared to believe I wasn’t alone.
“I know, I know,” Sadie said, “but unless she is open to speaking with a therapist or—”
“Sadie, stop.” Raisa entered the conversation. “A therapist? She’s not speaking to anyone and it would be a waste of a doctor’s time to pry at her mind when she’s hiding in whatever shell this is.” Her deep exhale followed loudly.
“I hate for her to suffer,” my cousin admitted.
That sounded like sympathy. And I viewed it as a trick.
“I hate to see her like this,” Raisa said.
“Then don’t,” Alexsei replied bluntly.
“What do you mean?” Sadie asked.
“We are already giving her space,” Raisa told him. “We’ve implemented a rule for no visitors to bother her. She has been alone in there for a week.”
“That’s true,” Alexsei said calmly. “But maybe the idea of forcing her to get used to so many people at once will trigger her to crawl deeper into her quietness. Think about it. She might not have seen anyone other than her brother all these years. Expecting her to instantly open up or talk to any of us when she’s likely overwhelmed is ridiculous. ”
“Then what do we do?” Sadie asked. “What’s your idea?”
Alexsei didn’t hesitate to reply, as if he’d been thinking about it already. “I can take her to a safe place.”
My spine stiffened. All the muscles in my back tensed.
He wanted to take me away. I would be relocated—again.
Just when I was warming up to the illusion of security here, the warning that I could be moved chilled me.
Yusef and Erik moved me often so no one would find me.
So no one would find them, either, because I’d pieced together enough from their conversations that they were wanted by the law and others they deemed liars and cheats from gambling.
I didn’t want to be moved again. I wanted to be free to determine where I should go. Until I could heal past this shock, until I could understand how to process this trauma and live in the moment, I didn’t know how to speak up.
“Do you think that’s for the best?” Raisa asked Alexsei.
“I think it can’t hurt. Besides, I think having you around is intimidating her.”
“Her own cousin is intimidating?” Sadie asked, incredulous.
“I can’t forget how she looked at you and freaked out, Raisa,” he said. “When she saw that you were pregnant, she seemed more scared.”
Because they bred her! Held her down and—
I closed my eyes, willing the thoughts away.
“Maybe my idea will backfire,” he admitted, “ but it’s an option we can try.”
“Just for a while,” Sadie said.
“Yes, temporarily,” Raisa said. “I’ve only just gotten her back in my life and I don’t want to lose her again.”
Alexsei coughed. Or maybe it was a dry laugh. “She won’t be lost. She’s not leaving. I’ll have her right under my guard.”
His words should’ve spooked me. They were a direct promise to keep me under his surveillance.
Yet, I didn’t grit my teeth in frustration.
I was too numb to react. The first thought that came to my mind, though, wasn’t one that he’d be my overlord.
I recognized something like gratitude, that he was promising to watch over me and not in a threatening manner.
It was a vow.
Their voices carried down the hall as they seemed to walk away. I wished to know more details and eavesdrop some more, but they were taking their conversation away from me. Shunning me. Excluding me.
Before I could turn back to the window, the door was pushed open wider.
I held my breath, whirling around.
More light shone in.
But in the open doorway stood a young boy.
“Oh, shit.” He grimaced. “I mean, oh, shoot.” Wearing a troubled expression of guilt, he looked up at me with a pleading frown. “Please don’t tell anyone I said that.”
I shook my head immediately, understanding that he was trying to avoid a punishment. I didn’t know who he was, but he was so young. Too young to be beaten.
Then he smiled, confusing me with that goofy and shy grin. “If I’m caught saying another swear word, bubbles will be coming out of my mouth forever.”
Bubbles? I stared at him, confused.
“You know.” He arched a brow. “When you say a bad word and then you gotta have a mouth full of a bar of soap to wash it?”
I didn’t know. I had no reply. If I spoke at all, I’d get a beating. This boy was lucky to be spared the same.
He watched me as I failed to reply. With one hand on the door knob, he gave me such a perplexed yet patient look that I didn’t feel pressured to open my mouth.
Contradicting what Alexsei, Sadie, and Raisa had just been talking about, that I would feel overwhelmed with more people and strangers coming in, this boy’s presence made me feel less alone.
And… safe.
He wasn’t big and tall and able to hurt me.
In his eyes, I saw a glimmer of innocence that suggested he hadn’t experienced hatred in his life, the kind that had been my whole life for too long.
“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding like he meant it. “I, um, I didn’t mean to break into your room.” He took one step back. “I saw the door cracked open and I thought that this was still part of the area for hide-and-seek.”
I recalled that fun pastime. But those memories were from a lifetime ago, like they belonged to someone else. My mother and I played it often, and when my father came home from work, if he wasn’t too tired, he would join in as well.
The reminder of my parents stabbed my heart. But I tamped it down.
I didn’t want to lurk in the painful past. I was desperate to cling to this moment here and now, with this soft-spoken boy who presented no threat. Whose sweet smile had me wishing I could reply in kind.
“Misha!”
Despite the thick cushioning of the carpet in the hallway, I felt the vibration of Alexsei’s footsteps as he ran down the hall after his yell.
The boy sighed. “Well, shit,” he muttered again, sagging his shoulders.