Chapter 16 Kalina
KALINA
Alexsei made it sound so simple.
That all I had to do was ask. To speak up and ask for help.
But that wasn’t all there was to it.
I had to convince myself that I was safe enough to say anything.
That I wouldn’t be punished for opening my mouth and potentially saying something that he might not like.
That I would be permitted to have an opinion or express a desire without being laughed at.
The risk of asking for anything was so far against what I had been trained that it was no minor thing for me to deal with. No mere action to complete.
The entire night after he caught me from slipping and falling onto the floor, I tossed and turned in bed. Sleep wasn’t coming, but for the first time, it wasn’t a nightmare of my past that plagued me. It wasn’t the memory of Yusef beating me or Erik belittling me that kept me up.
No. It was the curiosity of what Alexsei had so brazenly implied.
That I could trust him. That he really would help me—not just in being there to prevent me from falling but with anything else I might need.
Can he really mean it?
The following night, I glanced at him as he sat in the chair, reading on his phone.
Misha had been reading too, some kind of a graphic novel for kids.
It wasn’t something he’d read out loud, due to the illustrations that went with it, and it seemed that after dinner and helping me with dishes, he wanted to read in his room instead of out here in the lounge for a change.
And that made my curiosity all that much more acute.
Alexsei and I weren’t alone.
Guards patrolled outside. Misha was in his room. But with it just me and this tall, strong man out here, it felt more private. Intimate?
I blushed, confused how just thinking about being alone with a man had me all twisted up. What shocked me more, and excited me, was that the thought of being near Alexsei no longer filled me with instant unease. Panic attacks seemed like a thing of the past.
No, instead, as I left the kitchen and started to pass by him to go to my room, I felt drawn to him. To stay. To be closer than the feet that distanced us.
“Night,” he called out after I walked by.
I nodded, wondering if I could lie in reply. “Good night.”
If tonight would be a repeat of the restlessness of last night, it wouldn’t be good at all.
After I changed into my pajamas and got into bed, though, I knew it was a lost cause. There was no damn way I could relax. My heart raced each time I recalled the security of his strong arms catching me. I felt warm at the reminder of how hard his chest was, steady for me to lean against.
It wasn’t just the support he’d given me. It was the desire to explore and learn. To feel more of him. Pairing the layered touch of his chest with the memory of what he’d looked like shirtless, I was in a world of torment.
Stop, Kali. Stop.
I squeezed my eyes shut, as if limiting myself to the blackness behind my lids could erase all these illicit feelings sneaking through me, all these figments of attraction that were taking root in my mind.
Fear returned with my realization that I was attracted to him. It seemed too much like the first step toward a grave weakness I’d never be able to forgive myself for.
Men only wanted to breed women. Even Raisa had been bred.
As a slight throb intensified between my legs, making me aware of how I was getting turned on by these thoughts of Alexsei holding me, of how thrilling it was to glance at his lips and wonder if he’d kiss me, I knew I couldn’t risk anything of that nature.
I was done being controlled. I wanted to choose the life I’d live. I didn’t want to be shackled to any man to be bred against my will! I would never be free if I was just used like that.
He’s not Yusef, though.
I opened my eyes and frowned at the ceiling.
He’s not like anything Erik has taught me to count on.
I sighed, wishing my mind would chill.
And he’s not pushing me into anything. Not my husband to please. Not my…
I had no clue what Alexsei was. Other than my rescuer and hero, I didn’t know how to view him.
How I should view him. But with his offer to help me with anything I might need, I was all too aware that he seemed to be clued in to this growing attraction I had no clue how to handle.
I sure as hell didn’t know now to hide it.
I was also clueless about how to tolerate it.
What if he’s… safe?
I bit the inside of my lip, torn with the urge to do something, to take that big step forward or to let it all die down and fade.
He felt safe.
In his arms, for just that blip of a moment, I experienced such a rush of security. Of strength, not aimed at me or against me, but as an offer of protection.
I gave up.
I couldn’t lie here and not sleep. It wouldn’t do me any good. I wasn’t sure if going out there to talk to him would do me any good either, but doing nothing was no longer an option. Before I could rethink it—again—I got out of bed and returned to the lounge.
He didn’t lower his phone, but he glanced up at my coming back. Still seated on the couch, right where he had been when I left, he didn’t react in any other way.
Only that stare.
Watchful. Curious. But welcoming.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he guessed.
Is he… What is this? Is he teasing me?
I shook my head and sat next to him. Still careful not to presume anything after all the years I was taught to never want something at all, I kept a buffer between us. “Did you mean it?”
He arched one brow. Setting his phone to lock, he gave me his full attention. And what a wicked delight that was becoming. He didn’t glare. He didn’t scowl. He looked at me like I wasn’t a thing to use but a person to talk to. “Did I mean what?”
“That you would help me with whatever I need.”
He nodded.
I watched as he leaned forward to set his phone facedown on the table, giving me more of his focus. “Of course.”
Swallowing hard, I hated the intimidation to ask him to clarify. To inquire if he meant he’d help me figure out what to do with this interest I couldn’t shut off about him.
Or what it would mean if he did.
“I…” I heaved out a shaky breath, taking another huge risk that seemed like a jump off a cliff. “I don’t know how to ask for help,” I admitted.
“Most people don’t,” he replied easily. “Or they don’t want to.”
I liked that. He almost made this conversational, taking the edge off it.
“I think I want to learn how to ask for help,” I said, tense that I would sound like a fool. It went against my training. They’d beaten me to believe that I had no right to want anything, ever.
“Can I make a suggestion?” he asked.
I gazed at him, stunned that he could be this patient. He wasn’t laughing at me. No sinister glint of malice or humor shone from his dark-blue eyes.
“A suggestion?” I asked. That wouldn’t hurt me. He wasn’t going to give me an order. He wasn’t trying to control anything with expectations. He was giving me power to accept or decline whatever he said because it would only be a suggestion.
“Yeah.” He turned slightly toward me, making me excited that I could be worthy of his attention when I’d been conditioned to count on being dismissed.
“Yes,” I replied.
With a long look, he stared into my eyes for a moment.
It felt heavy, deliberate, like he wanted me to know he didn’t have any ill intentions.
I couldn’t read what crossed over his face, but I didn’t freak out as he slowly leaned toward me.
As he slanted closer, he lifted his arm and brought his hand to my face.
Steadily, carefully, and gently. He wasn’t backhanding me. He wasn’t striking me.
All he did was cup the side of my face with a reverent, soft touch. He urged me closer as he brought his warm lips to press against my cheek.
Closing my eyes at the kiss, I wanted to savor all the goodness of the moment. The spice of his cologne as he came toward me. The body heat that rose from him and comforted me. The roughness of his callused hand that reminded me of how rugged and strong he had to be.
But most of all, that delicate brush of his lips on my skin. It seared me, spreading a heat through my veins that I didn’t want to ever stop.
I didn’t open my eyes to watch him retreat, but I felt the weight shifting on the couch as he sat back. When I blinked, seeking him out, I wasn’t surprised to find him watching me closely.
“Did that help?”
Help? It only fanned my curiosity and desire to a hotter flame.
“It did. But I…”
I don’t think that’s enough.
It can’t be.
Under the intensity of warmth in his eyes, I took another leap of faith.
Reaching over to kiss him, to taste those warm lips with mine, I almost fell flush against him.
Without any better way to break my momentum, I placed my hand on his chest and clumsily pushed my mouth to his.
I mostly met his. I think I moved my lips.
Did that count as a kiss? Was I doing this all wrong?
He didn’t move. One hand gently braced me, set on my side. But he didn’t haul me closer. He didn’t hold me like he had when he caught me from falling in the kitchen last night.
Oh, God.
He’s not interested.
He didn’t mean it. He’s not going to kiss me or anything.
I’m doing this all wrong. I don’t know how to do this. To do anything!
Lowering my gaze, I felt my cheeks burn. I couldn’t bear to look at him, not this close, not when I was making a complete fool of myself.
I had to be doing this all wrong and it was stupid of me to even try. As I scrambled to get up, he kept his hand on me, as if balancing me all over again. Balance was the last thing I felt now. I was clumsy and embarrassed.
“What do you want, Kalina?” he asked, even though it was clear I was trying to bolt.
“I’m too shy to say it,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to say—”
“Then take it.”
I went still, pausing in my attempt to stand.
“Just take whatever you want.” He set his other arm out, draping it on the back of the couch, as if opening himself up to me. “Take whatever you need.”
All I needed right now was the feel of his mouth on me again. I needed that instant thrill of not being here, knowing I was a broken, scared woman. I wanted that freedom to experience the heat of attraction with him.
Under his serious stare, I dared to believe that he meant it.
Leaning back in, too weak to walk away like I knew I should, I sought his mouth again.
He didn’t move much, letting me control it.
Then again. I pulled back to check his face.
Finding him calm and open, not mad or expectant, I moved closer to kiss him again.
Feeling the push of his mouth against mine as he kissed me back was all I needed. I didn’t want orders or instructions. No commands. But I relished his guidance. As he slowly kissed me back, as if he was trying to be gentle, he gave me the courage to really go for what I wanted.
Heat blossomed in my heart. My pussy throbbed more. Even my nipples ached, hidden behind my pajamas. Just kissing this rugged hero woke me up like I’d never been before.
As he kissed me back, lifting his hand so he could frame my head and guide me to angle mine for a deeper kiss, I floated on the dangerously perfect thrill.
This was wrong. But so right. I was being too bold, daring to want a man or to touch him at all. He was too sweet, so patient and letting me have all the power.
And I got lost in the magic of it all.
His firm lips brushing over mine. The hitched breaths we both stole. Every low grunt of desire from him that matched the quiet whimpers of need I couldn’t hide.
More.
God, yes.
I want more.
Nothing existed beyond us. Not my past. Not the unknown of my future. I was fully in the moment of kissing Alexsei, and I never wanted it to stop.
Parting my lips as I rubbed up against him, he growled softly.
I tore my mouth off his. The cooling wetness on my lips stunned me.
As I blinked in surprise, worried that I had angered him, I stared up into his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
He furrowed his brows.
“I’m sorry if I’m not doing this right or if… if…”
His face softened. From that confusion, he let me see a slow and sexy smile.
Reaching up to hold the back of my head again, he slipped his fingers through my hair in a caress and massage that had me shivering.
“You’re doing this very right,” he whispered huskily.
Kissing me with more heat, parting my lips more, he drugged me with desire.
“You’re such a good girl, letting me taste your sweet lips like this.”
Good? His praise shot another spike of excitement through me.
I kissed him harder, reaching up to set my hands on his shoulders.
“Because they are,” he whispered. “So sweet.” He sucked on my lower lip after the upper one. “So good, Kalina.”
Good? I couldn’t believe it. I’d been told for fourteen years that I was bad. That I was awful. Worthless. Good for nothing.
Alexsei was unlocking more than just this dance with desire.
He was infusing me with something like worth. Praise.
“Hmm,” he murmured against my lips, resting his brow against mine. “You like that?”
“I…” I lifted my leg slightly, wishing I could crawl onto his lap and be even closer.
“You like being such a sexy good girl for me?” he whispered before kissing me again.
Oh, hell.
I do.
I did. The thrill of hearing him call me a good girl was messing with my head.
“I—”
Before I could push closer and get on his lap to keep kissing him, to be more of a good girl and give him permission to kiss me like he was a ravenous idiot, a sound startled me.
I froze at the scraping slide of something outside.
A shift.
Not a bang or a thud, but the slip of snow shifting on the roof.
I gasped, yanked out of the heated moment with Alexsei.
It jarred me, pulling me back to reality.
And it was all it took for me to remember the uglier truth. No matter how good it felt to kiss him and how badly I wanted to be a good girl for him and feel worthy of his attention, I wasn’t normal. I didn’t know if I belonged in this real world, free to just kiss a handsome man.
It went against all that I’d been told.
In a cruel flash, shame and guilt mixed in sharply with worry and anxiety.
What am I thinking?
What am I doing?
The heat that had me so achy in my pussy and my nipples wasn’t right.
He’d breed me. He’d—
I broke away with a harsh exhale, turning like a coward to escape to my room.
As overwhelmingly good as he’d made me feel, I couldn’t feel free enough to do as he’d suggested. To take what I wanted.
Because how could I even know what that was yet? How could I figure out how to be normal and real outside of the strict conditioning that messed me up for too long?
I would never be free of my past. Too damaged from the training I’d wanted to reject with all my heart, my heart that was now broken and conflicted after this taste of a sinful distraction of kissing Alexsei.