Chapter 15 Alexsei
ALEXSEI
Loud beeps sounded from my phone.
It lay face down on the table in the middle of us playing Scrabble after dinner.
I picked it up and glanced at the screen despite knowing it was another severe weather alert.
They had a specific tone. I didn’t need to have any further heads up on that matter.
Snow fell nonstop out the window. Flurries had turned to blizzard conditions, upping the county alerts to an official winter storm watch.
I didn’t need an app to tell me that. We weren’t going outside anytime soon, and I was glad that I’d watched the forecast to have the guards order more than enough food for us ahead of time.
However, I noticed that when I dismissed the beeps, Kalina was extra nervous.
Since that night she opened up to tell me about the conditioning Erik put her through, she seemed slightly less skittish around me. As though that first step was over with and she could breathe easier.
I bet hearing me flat-out tell her that Erik and Yousef wouldn’t get to her would appease her a bit too, but I felt like a jackass not to have told her that directly sooner. I was stupid to assume that she would follow the implication that she was safe now.
“Your turn, Kalina,” Misha told her. He yawned, tired from that big dinner we’d shared.
We hadn’t only shared it in eating it—something Kalina was getting better at—but we’d shared the task of making it. All three of us. It was just one more minor thing that Kalina was expanding to do within the last couple of weeks that had passed.
I set my phone down and gave her a small smile. “Just another alert about the snow.”
Misha smiled sleepily. “I can’t wait to go out and play in it when it’s done coming down.”
I was looking forward to it too. It had taken a lot of brainstorming to keep him busy inside today. Roughhousing and playing tag inside had helped to make him this sleepy now.
We were locked in for a while, but we wouldn’t want for anything.
The reception was fine here with the extra satellite capacity we’d arranged for.
It would enable us to continue Misha’s tutoring, which he handled during the morning hours remotely.
It gave him a chance to talk to anyone back home.
And it allowed me to still check in with them all.
After the game was over—Misha won—I excused myself to take a call.
“Nothing special. Just checking in with the boss,” I said so Kalina wouldn’t worry.
She didn’t reply, keeping her head low as she carried more plates to the kitchen. Before we went our separate ways, though, she suggested to Misha that she could handle the dishes on her own since he looked so sleepy.
“Are you sure?” he asked, usually part of the effort. Even that reply was broken by yawns.
She nodded. “I’m sure. You look like you’re about to fall asleep standing up.”
It was late. And I marveled at how much she was still opening up and getting comfortable. Thawing out despite the deep freeze outside. Misha was the one who pulled her out of her shell, but I suspected that I wasn’t a small player in that effort.
I couldn’t help but notice more and more that she was watching me. That she seemed to be extra aware of me. She had been since the moment she first woke up under our custody. That scared observance. But now, it was charged, tinged with something like curiosity.
Don’t even think about it.
I had to continually warn myself to forget about it.
Now wasn’t the time. No time in the near future would work either.
It didn’t matter how her beauty stunned me, the more she filled out and lost the darkness under her eyes.
How she glowed, radiant with her health returning.
With the surprises of her small smiles and the quiet bursts of laughter, often quickly covered up as if she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to laugh.
“I won’t be long,” I told her as I went to my room to take my call.
Once I was alone, I called Luka back. He’d called to check on us with the weather, but it was always nice to catch up with him.
“How is she doing?” he asked after I told him that we were fine with the snow.
He hadn’t gotten the latest update from me, personally, yet.
“She’s talking. More and more. She’s not the chatterbox that Misha can be, but she’s warming up to us both.”
“Good. Good.”
“She’s not in any position to be questioned,” I added quickly.
“And I don’t think it would be necessary to do that anymore, anyway.
” He went on to update me, too, about the progress back at home.
Erik and Yousef were definitely looking for her, but they weren’t having any luck.
Men were positioned to track them should they get too close for comfort.
Simon had been busy with the assignment of this mission, perhaps bored with Emil still taking a break for now.
Hell, with Sadie pregnant again, though, he might be cutting back his workload for longer.
If that were the case, he’d spend more time training other assassins employed for us so they could take on more.
“The Riveras do seem to be looking for her, but again, no solid leads on that,” Luka said.
I liked the sound of that. It meant that they were curious and invested, but not in any position to come here.
My only hope was that Kalina would get to the point that she would want to reconnect with Raisa, maybe move back in near her or get more help like therapy.
Whatever she needed or wanted, we’d make it happen. That was what family did.
Satisfied with the call, we both disconnected several minutes later.
I stuck to my word about coming back to help Kalina with the dishes. She didn’t need to handle it all, but if she liked having a task or something to do other than reading or games, I was glad to give her a chore or whatever would preoccupy her.
My return was timed well. Because just as I reentered the kitchen, she turned to reach up and set a dish on a higher shelf and slipped. Her shoe coasted over a blob of suds that must have dripped down from the sink.
In a flash, I was there. Sensing her fall as if it were happening in slow motion, I reached out quickly and caught her easily.
Rocking into me with a soft grunt, she flung her arms out too late. Windmilling wouldn’t have broken her fall to the floor.
But I did.
“Whoa,” I said softly.
All this time, almost a month now, I had been extremely careful and deliberate about giving her space.
I didn’t have to be a genius to know she was scared of men.
She seemed scared of everything, but especially men.
After her explanation of what her brother and his friend did to her, it made perfect sense.
She was conditioned to be a submissive thing, punished if she stepped out of line.
It clarified why she was slow to speak up, nervous to ask for anything, and confused about how to do something she wanted to do, not something that was ordered.
With her in my arms, though, I felt the weight of this change.
Touching her.
Holding her.
Feeling her soft body pressed flush against mine.
I waited, not speaking. I had to play this right. Cautious about not gripping her tightly so she wouldn’t fear that I was grabbing her, I tried to keep my fingers splayed open, my arms out but keeping her upright so she could regain her balance and ease away.
Always giving her the options.
The power.
My patience, which ran out quickly the longer she stayed right here in this slight embrace.
The swells of her breasts teased me. The soft silkiness of her hair against my chin taunted me, making me wish I could let it fall through my fingers so I’d know if it was truly as delicate and smooth as it looked.
“You’re okay,” I murmured, wondering if almost falling had pushed her so acutely into shock like this or if she was startled by the fact that I’d caught her. That I had touched her at all without expressly asking her first.
This wasn’t a hug. I wasn’t that stupid. I would never try to take advantage of her. This was only my step of trying to keep her safe.
She nodded, shakily at first as she lifted her face to peer at me. The nervousness in her eyes was like a stab to my heart.
“I’ve got you,” I said, wishing she would lose more of this fear of me. “I won’t let you fall.”
Again, she nodded, but as she shifted her weight on her feet, she slipped again.
Tightening my arms around her again was instinct. All to make sure she stayed on her feet.
But it was a closer hold. A more intimate fit between us.
This time, when she glanced up at me, that nervousness was dimmed. What I observed more strongly was the awareness. The surprise that was colored with shyness. The intrigue and thrill that had her cheeks going pink.
Oh, fuck me.
If she glanced at my lips one more time…
I’d lose my mind.
Being aware of a building attraction from her felt like a victory I didn’t deserve. She was supposed to be a job, an assignment, a target to protect. But all these weeks of watching her heal and come out of her scared shell, I couldn’t help but truly care. Admire.
And want.
I would lose my mind if she gave me those cues of attraction, signals I doubted she was probably even aware of giving me, oblivious and so new to all of this.
But I wouldn’t lose my control.
It just might kill me to be this patient for much longer. Especially when I had a very strong hunch that I could distract her from the horrors of her memories with a kiss.
I could heal her with a tender touch and gentle caress, whatever she was responsive to just to help erase how she was beaten and abused before.
No.
You can’t.
I couldn’t do it.
And I wouldn’t.
Avoiding the allure of her light-blue eyes, open and trusting and curious as she gazed at me, I stayed strong.
Rejecting the pull to lean in closer and give her another kind of support and comfort, I exhaled as calm and steady of a breath that I could.
I won’t do it.
I refused to take advantage when she was still figuring out how to move forward.
The close proximity of our situation was hell on me.
The blue balls syndrome struck again, and I just knew that the second I got to my room and locked my door, I’d be in the shower and jerking off to the memory of her so close.
Of her curvy body. Of her sweet perfume.
Of her beguiling doe eyes that called to every possessive and protective instinct I had.
Don’t.
“You’re okay,” I told her again.
She nodded, blinking quickly and straightening instead of leaning on me.
What a fucking lie.
She wasn’t okay. She was starting to get interested. She was lost about what to do with these new feelings. I couldn’t read her mind, but I damn well knew how to read a woman’s body when she was struck with desire.
I released her slowly, making sure she wouldn’t slip again.
“Just be careful,” I advised once she retreated from me.
I meant it with the soapy water on the floor and her not slipping. When we caught each other’s eyes again, though, and she hadn’t lost that lusty look yet, I felt like someone needed to be giving me that particular line of wisdom.
Just be careful.
I had to. Because letting myself lust for this woman and want to make her feel so good would start to mess with my head too much.
“Yeah,” she replied, avoiding eye contact as she reached for the edge of the counter to steady herself.
“Be careful and don’t slip with this water,” I clarified unnecessarily. “I don’t want you falling and getting hurt.”
She peeked at me with a shy smile.
“Because I’m here to help you, Kalina. To look out for you.”
The intensity of her stare on me was almost my undoing.
“In any way you need,” I added.
She swallowed hard, almost as if she might’ve been starting to piece together that I was catching on to how she watched me and might want me.
“Whether it’s keeping you from falling, or anything else.” I prayed I wasn’t overdoing it. That I wouldn’t scare her or give her any reason to assume this could be interpreted as an expectation.
“All you need to do is ask,” I said before backing away to retreat to the privacy of my room.
Please. Just ask for whatever you need to erase the sadness and fear from your eyes for good.
More than anything, I wanted to be her hero, her rock.