Chapter 23
ALEXSEI
Ididn’t need to speak with Kalina.
I saw it all in her eyes.
She hated me.
She blamed me.
I had promised her safety and I had almost lost her.
Unlike Misha, who still swore that I’d be the strongest man in the world who would always keep him safe, she didn’t agree.
Misha was more familiar with the chances of danger in our world, and even in the horrors of the night at the cabin, he had rolled with the punches.
He’d risen to the challenge to help me get Kalina back to Luka’s mansion.
As the doctor checked her over, I hovered in the back of the room.
While the nurses fussed over her and helped wipe off the soot and debris from the smoke, I lurked near the door.
Misha had taken solace with Ivan. Both he and Lev helped him calm down.
It was Gabriella who took charge, proving yet again how fit she was to be Luka’s partner, his queen. She promised that she would be with Kalina when she woke up. Raisa wanted to be there, but a slight scare of bleeding had her on bed rest.
Luka waited for me to come for the torture.
For the final questioning of the Dubinin soldiers who’d turned traitor and sold the intel about my holding Kalina at the cabin. No price the Riveras could’ve paid the two young recruits could’ve been worth it. Now, they were paying for the deception with their lives.
Even though we had ample men who could handle the punishment for rats, Luka took an extra concern toward anyone daring to defy him and his rule from within the family.
He was in no shape to question the men, but Emil proved that he wasn’t an exact replica of his father.
Emil handled the interrogation. I arrived once I had the diagnosis that Kalina would be all right.
And it was right when Luka was beating them mercilessly, raging that they’d dared to harm his family.
Frozen in the guilt of almost losing Kalina, I witnessed it all. I didn’t participate in killing the soldiers who’d put this tragic and deadly night in action.
Niko was there too, giving the pair a steely glare of pure hatred. But like me, he wasn’t in the mood to make it personal.
“You hanging in there?” Emil asked me.
He drove me back to the mansion after the two were killed. Luka would follow us shortly.
I didn’t reply. All I could do was sigh at my cousin.
“No,” I said after a long moment. “I’m not.”
“She’s alive,” he reminded me.
Just barely.
“She will recover.”
“She was supposed to be able to trust me to let her do that in the first place,” I bit out.
He didn’t push the topic for the rest of the ride. Once I returned, I showered and sought out Misha. He had fallen asleep on Ivan’s lap, Lev cuddling close to comfort his best friend and relative.
“Go check on her,” Ivan said quietly. “I’ll watch him until he’s looking for you.”
But my son didn’t wake to seek me out. He ran to Kalina. At the sound of his footsteps pounding down the hallway, almost in a sense of déjà vu like he had done over a month and a half ago, he hurried to Kalina for comfort.
That was how I found her. Hugging him. Crying and holding him as Gabriella asked her what she wanted to do. Stay or go.
With the coolest indifference that was tinged with anger, she dismissed me and told Misha that she would stay. She chose to linger, but not for me.
Not for us.
The guilt that swamped me from that one look slayed me. In a daze, I dragged myself from the room and ended up in Luka’s study. Emil and Ivan were there. They all looked up as I entered, going silent until I sat.
“I almost lost her.” It was a monotone statement I wished I’d never have a reason to utter.
“You didn’t.” Emil furrowed his brow and glanced at Ivan.
“I lost one wife.” I swallowed hard as my heart ached. “And now when I can find another woman to care for…”
“Fuck,” Emil whispered, coming to sit across from me.
“Now when I’ve found her, I almost lose her too.”
Luka growled slightly, coming to stand in front of me. “You did not.”
I scowled at him.
“You did not almost lose her,” he repeated. “It was not your fault that any of this happened.” He gritted his teeth. “If it is anyone’s fault, it is mine for hiring those two lying motherfucking scumbags who thought it’d be fun to sell intel to those fucking Italians.”
Shaking my head quickly, I tried to figure out how to make him see the truth.
But he wasn’t having it.
“No, Alexsei. You cannot take the blame for this. You are not to blame. You were cautious. You were prepared. You didn’t make any mistakes in this assignment, and there was no way you could’ve anticipated those motherfuckers turning traitors like that.”
Emil scooted forward on his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs. “Alexsei, this isn’t like it was with Elena.”
I closed my eyes and knew it was. I was fated to lose everything good in my life, every woman I wanted to love and call my own.
“It’s not,” Ivan said, hearing me out but also backing up the others.
“You made mistakes then, and ever since, you’ve triple-checked every mission you’ve taken on.
You do not slack in protective services.
What happened tonight wasn’t your fault and it was beyond your control. Beyond any of our control.”
I knew they were speaking facts, but it couldn’t sink into my mind.
“You didn’t lose her,” Luka said sternly, eyeing me like the ruthless boss he was. “And you will not lose her should you want to keep her as the woman you care about.”
That was a moot point now.
She hated me. I saw it in her eyes.
I had failed her. My cousins and uncle were correct that I’d gotten her out of there alive, but I'd grossly failed her with the sacred vow I’d given her to always know she’d be safe with me.
“And mark my words, those stupid pieces of shit will feel the full extent of my wrath. For killing my guards? Threatening my family?” He cursed some more as he went to pour himself a drink. “This won’t be the end of it. They will feel every fucking ounce of my revenge when I’m through with them.”
Even though they meant to reassure me, their words were nothing but flimsy, placating excuses.
The next day, I checked on Kalina, hovering at the doorway.
Misha had slept in her room, cuddling up with her on the bed.
And again, she gave me that hateful glower. The stare of disappointment.
My heart cracked again.
Every day, I came to check on her from the doorway, never any further, and I saw the same hatred that I deserved.
When a week passed and she hadn’t approached me with any words at all, I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t sleep. I was a walking mess of a destroyed man.
Emil and Ivan tried to “talk sense” into me.
Gabriella and Sadie more or less shrugged it off, perhaps siding with Kalina to not want to be near me.
Raisa insisted that I just talk to Kalina and figure this out.
But I was too broken. Too racked with guilt.
She’d shattered my heart with her reaction to waking up here again, but with her telling Misha that she would stay, I knew that I couldn’t abandon her now. I could not leave her and give up on her despite her iciness toward me.
Perhaps it was stupid. Maybe I had gone insane, but I resolved to stay. The hope that she might one day trust me again was all that kept me going, to linger and long for her forgiveness in almost getting her taken or killed.
No matter how much she loathed me, nothing would’ve pulled me away from her.
Not when that fire and attack on the cabin left a sour aftertaste in my mouth. If that was any indication, danger was still lurking too close for comfort. Luka vowed to seek revenge and retaliate. He’d make good on his word to have the Riveras pay for this incident.
I had more layers of responsibility that I owed Kalina, though.
Erik and Yusef were still out there. For all we knew, they might’ve arranged for her to be sold to other families, too.
No, there wasn’t a chance in hell I could walk away now.
Misha and I didn’t leave for our home. We moved in, more or less, making our private wing a second home. He was with her day and night, always near her, but I was obligated to obey this distance she wanted between us.
More cracks spliced my heart with the time that passed, but I couldn’t ever consider giving up on her. Not even when the chance of earning her forgiveness felt slimmer and smaller despite how patient I tried to be.