Chapter SixMoving On
Chapter Six:
Moving On
Sidney
Grumbling to myself, I finish styling my always-fucked brown hair and tug my shirt down.
Leo’s late but should be here any minute and I have to stop thinking about what it felt like to have Levi on top of me.
He’s not mine, and I’m so annoyed that he waited until now to show any interest that I really could punch him again.
I just won’t, because the thought of hurting him makes me physically ill and Leo is finally knocking.
With the closest thing to a real smile that I’ve had all day, I open the door. The look on his face has my smile vanishing immediately. “What’s wrong?”
He blinks at me like an idiot and crosses his arms. “What’s wrong?” he parrots. “Why wouldn’t you just call this off face to face like a normal adult?”
Call what off?
“What?” I squint, hoping it’ll help me figure out what the fuck he’s talking about. It doesn’t. “I didn’t call anything off. You’re late but I didn’t care.”
He gives me a deadpan stare that furthermore calls me an idiot, but seems to see something on my face that has him backing up. “My breath stinks? You can’t do this anymore? Then you block me? Did you do drugs today? Where is your phone?”
“My phone has been on the charger all day, what the fuck are you talking about? Your breath doesn’t stink. I didn’t block —” It hits me like a train. Levi stayed to go pee when I went to get my laundry, and he was gone when I came back up. “Let me see your phone.”
His gaze narrows as he pulls it out and navigates to our text thread, then hands it over. “And now my number is blocked. Was there another guy here or something? If there was, he’s real mature.”
Fucking Levi. I’m shaking I’m so angry at him, but I have to remember to breathe. I can kill him later. “Levi stopped by to apologize for being a dick the other day, but I guess he doubled down. I’m sorry. Come in, I’ll unblock you.”
“I’ll be right back.” He rushes back to his car and shuts it off, the bottle of wine in his hand telling me he was prepared to talk through this, but he kept the car running in case I meant what I supposedly said in that text.
Once we’re seated in the living room, he sets the bottle aside and releases a chuckle. “That guy is something else.”
"You can say that again. He’s in a rough place right now,” I say gently. “And I think he’s a little upset that I punched him in the face.”
“Did you actually punch him, though? I think you took it easy on him — and fuck his rough place, that’s no reason to screw you over. Your friend is a coward.”
“I’m sorry that I don’t have the upper body strength you do,” I mutter. I’m mad as hell at Levi, but I can’t stop the squirming in my stomach when I hear anyone say anything bad about him. “And I don’t think I’d call him a coward. An asshole, maybe. But not a coward.”
“Then he’s an asshole and a coward. He’s obviously in love with you and he’s too much of a pussy to act on it, but he won’t let you be happy without him.
I know we aren’t legitimate, and I don’t care that you need to imagine him to get off with me, I’m happy to help you out there.
We both come, we both win. But if he says another immature thing to me, he’s not going to be happy with how I respond. ”
Note to self: Keep Leo and Levi away from each other for the rest of my life. That’ll be easy.
“Oh, he acted on it. Twice.”
“He did? When?” I numbly explain what happened the last few times Levi and I have been alone together, and Leo huffs. “So that’s why he disappeared for two months? Poor baby got rejected. Really though... why didn’t you do it?”
This is where it gets complicated and why I desperately wish he wouldn’t have asked.
“Because I’m sleeping with you,” I admit.
“You’ve made it very clear we’re not exclusive and will never be, but I.
.. just can’t. It still feels like cheating to me.
And if your next question is going to be why I didn’t just end things with you and jump into things with him, it’s pretty simple. I don’t believe him.”
Nodding, he slides his hand along his knees as he contemplates everything. “So, you think he’s only doing it because you’re with me? To what end?”
I’ve asked myself that question a hundred times in the last couple of weeks, and I always come back to the same explanation.
“The one thing Levi Cross loves more than anything is a rush. That’s why he’s in a band, that’s why he gets fucked up so often.
He loves the rush. Chasing a man who won’t compromise his principles is just another way of getting there.
He had plenty of chances to get me when I was single and he didn’t bother. ”
“I hope I don’t upset you when I ask this, but why do you still love him? Why not let it go?”
If it was that simple, there wouldn’t be art. There would be no songs about heartbreak, paintings filled with torment. We’d all just... move on. I didn’t tattoo most of my body with roses because this is some passing infatuation.
“For the same reason I stay with you even knowing you’ll never willingly give me what I need,” I say gently. “Because feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.”
“I guess I can understand that. Okay... just to set it all straight. Do you want to continue this?”
He waves a hand between us both, and that’s the best confirmation I’ll ever get that Leo doesn’t care to take this further.
He’ll keep letting me call him Levi because he’s probably picturing someone else, I’ll continue having to get STD panels done because condoms aren’t always enough, and I’m about to go on tour for four months with a man who keeps repeatedly testing my morals.
Maybe it’s best we call it off... I just won’t tell anyone else.
“I... did,” I start. “But with me going on tour and this not exactly being a real relationship, maybe it’s time to call it.”
Frowning softly, he nods as he gets to his feet.
“Alright. But for the record, he’s a fool for letting you slip through his fingers.
I know that’s rich coming from me, but I knew better than to get attached.
I knew I’d never have your heart, so I didn’t give you mine.
I’m sorry if that ever hurt you or made you feel not good enough. ”
What?
I assumed from the beginning that a true monogamous relationship was never on the table which was why I told him about Levi in the first place. This whole time I could’ve — fuck.
It’s too late now, because he’s right. He can’t have my heart whether or not Levi ever truly gets it because I’ll never trust him.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for. You never acted like this was something it wasn’t and as far as I know, you never lied to me. So we’re good, and who knows? Maybe when the tour is over, I’ll call you.”
“Maybe.” He walks over and kisses my forehead before backing away. “It’s hard to know if I’m rooting for you two or not,” he admits with a chuckle. “You deserve to be happy. Him, on the other hand... I don’t know if he deserves someone like you. Anyway, blowjob for the road?”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or not, and whether he is probably depends on my response.
He doesn’t seem upset at all that this is ending, so I can’t exactly say I’m in the mood.
I wish I was though, I’d fucking love to send Levi a picture of it to prove he didn’t get his way.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “I’m about five seconds away from crying and no one wants a blowjob using tears as lube, so I think it’s best I say no.
I’d appreciate it if you left the wine, though. I can pay you for it.”
“I mean, someone likes tears for lube,” he jokes. “Not me though. Do you... cry often for him?”
“Look at me, Leo. I cry when my socks get wet.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s something. You don’t have to pay me for the wine, you need it more than me. I can still be a friend if you want,” he adds as he reaches for the door. “If you unblock me of course.”
“I already did. I’m sorry about that again, I... don’t have any excuses for him. I’ll text you though.” Smiling sadly, I follow him to the door. “Hopefully it’s not too late at night for you to get that blowjob from someone else.”
“I might want a cheeseburger more,” he jokes, but his eyes are already glued to his phone as he pulls up someone’s contact. “Take care, Sid. I should have known that text wasn’t from you. You’re too nice to tell someone their breath stinks.”
He leaves without a glance back, and I close the door with a deep breath. Yeah, he won’t suffer without me. Probably won’t miss a beat.
My chest feels tight and I can feel the tears building, but it’s less about Leo’s indifference and more about the fact that I let Levi win. The little bit of human connection I had just walked out the door because I can’t get over a man who wouldn’t know love if it hit him with a car.
Grabbing the bottle, I plop down on the couch and text Leo a wave just so he knows he’s unblocked, then flip to my thread with Levi.
Maybe it’s immature, but I can’t help it.
If I’m about to dive headfirst into an all-night marathon of Sex and the City and cry into a bottle of wine, he can be pissed off for a minute.
Me: Guess what MY breath smells like now?
Closing out of the thread, I turn my phone on silent and toss it across the room.
Let him sweat.