Chapter FiveWithout Me
Chapter Five:
Without Me
Levi
God, I’m such an asshole.
I shouldn’t be here. I told myself not to come as I was driving around town trying to clear my head, and here I am standing in front of Sidney’s condo anyway.
The wedding was beautiful, but I haven’t seen Sid since — and after two months without him, I don’t think I can stay away. I was miserable, and I’d rather he be punching me in the face than not around me. They should study whatever’s wrong with me.
I tell myself to turn around with each step I take and contemplate booking it after I ring the doorbell, but my feet stay planted.
I deserve whatever ire he has for me. Hell, I crave it.
But when he opens the door and his expression goes from curious to heartbroken, I fear I made a mistake. “Oh, it’s you.”
“Sorry to disappoint.” I should leave. Me being here only proves my point that I’ll never deserve him. And yet... “Can I come in?”
He glances down at his baggy sweats and his stained t-shirt and shrugs, stepping aside. “Keep five feet away from me or I’ll make sure to leave a mark this time.”
There he is. Fuck, I miss him.
Walking in, I look around his living space and realize how long it’s been since I’ve been here. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, not really. I’m doing laundry.” He fidgets for a minute, then sits down on the edge of the couch. “What’s up?”
I only hesitate for a second before I join him. “So, I was thinking about that punch.”
His eyes scan my face. “Was it a punch? I thought those were supposed to result in broken noses and black eyes. I don’t see either.”
“That’s my point.” I have to bite back a grin. “It felt more like a declawed cat paw than a punch, and we need to work on that. Since you said I’m not interrupting anything, I figure we can start now.”
“You want me to hit you again? Sold.” He stands up a little too eagerly with his fists raised, and I half expect him to start bouncing his weight back and forth.
Oh, there he goes. Rocky fucking Junior.
It’s so damn cute I almost let him, but instead I hold up my hands.
“Yes, but not yet. First, you need to agree not to be a brat when I tell you what to do. You’re lucky you didn’t break your thumb.
” I jump up before he runs for the hills and move his thumb where it belongs. “Never keep it straight, alright?”
“I’m not a brat.”
Yeah, you are. I just happen to love it about you.
“Okay, pretty boy. Punch my hand.”
I hold it up, expecting him to do it quickly, but he doesn’t.
He stares at it and then me. “I’m not gonna fight you, Levi.”
“I’m not trying to fight. That’s why I said punch my hand, not my face. I’m going to show you how to put some steam on it, and then I’ll feel better if you ever have to actually punch Leotard.”
Thwack.
There it is. My hand stings, but I barely moved backward even though I wasn’t expecting it.
“His name is Leo.”
“I thought you’d be happy I remembered he existed,” I toss back with a fake smile. “Do it again, this time with your hips like this.”
I reach down to adjust them, and try hard not to think about how good they feel in my hands or how easily he moves for me. I’m trying to be good here.
“I don’t understand why you’re so mean to him,” he grunts, hitting me again — harder this time. He put some emotion into that one.
Good boy.
The praise is right at the tip of my tongue, but I fight it. “I’m not mean, and that punch was better. Now try twisting your body when you do it so all the force isn’t just from your arm.”
“You are mean. You either forget he exists or give him a mean nickname, and you’re cold with him in person. Why?” he asks, delivering a better punch than I thought he’d be capable of. If he’d hit my face again, I’d be in trouble.
Yeah, he’s mad.
Good. It’s easier that way.
“Because he doesn’t deserve you, and I know it’s not my business, so I try to shut the fuck up about it but I can’t.”
I didn’t mean to say that.
“What do you mean?” His posture relaxes as he flexes his right hand. “He deserves me just fine.”
No one does, but I can’t say that. There are billions of people in this world, and at least one of them would absolutely be able to give him everything he needs. The thought makes me sick. What the fuck is happening to me?
“He doesn’t even blow you.”
“So? Sex isn’t everything. If it was, I wouldn’t have said no.”
To what?
To me?!
Goddamnit, I still want it. I still need it.
“I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just an example. When you love someone you’d do anything for them.”
Even stay away.
“If you love someone, you’ll accept that it’s unrealistic and unfair to expect them to fulfill your every need. And he spits on it for me, it’s close enough.”
I can’t fight the grunt. “Yeah, okay, Sid. Marry him then. Show me a real punch and I’ll fuck off. Aim for my nose again, I want you to see the difference.”
Fucking please. Hurt me.
His brows narrow like he’s gearing up to do it, but he shakes his head. “No, Levi. I told you I won’t fight you.”
“I didn’t ask you to fight me,” I reply through gritted teeth. “I have no intentions of hitting you back. Do it.”
“No. I don’t want to hurt you.”
It could never hurt more than what I’m doing to myself. “So what? You need alcohol to tell me how you really feel?” I shove him softly enough it won’t hurt, but hard enough to annoy him. “Should I go find some wine?”
Shock fades to anger quickly as he shoves me once, then again a lot harder. “What did you break in there after I ruined your high, Levi? A mirror?”
There he is. Treat me like the piece of shit I am. “What does it matter? I paid for all of it.”
I step in again with my heart pounding in my chest.
“Why can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” he yells, pushing me so hard I fall to my ass.
Pride and frustration war inside of me as I leap to my feet and crowd his space. “Why can’t you see that it doesn’t matter?”
“Because it does!” He steps forward, squaring up like he’s actually ready to fight me. “People care about you. People need you.”
Literally no one does. I don’t even have a pet that needs me. I could disappear tomorrow and they’d have another drummer for the tour before the week ends. Sure, I help with lyrics sometimes, but no one knows that but my bandmates. I’m entirely replaceable. “Bullshit.”
I shove him back a step, and that does it. He tackles me to the ground, using his twinky little body to pin me. “I care about you,” he snaps. “Idiot.”
“You care about everyone, Sid. You care about people you don’t even know because you have a big heart. I’m not special.”
And yet... he makes me feel special. He’s someone who cares about everyone, yes, but he’s always cared about me in a way that’s different.
I was just too stupid to realize it until it was too late.
Why can’t I say that out loud? His body on top of mine has my mind fuzzy and cock swelling in my jeans, but I control my urges and grab both of his wrists to keep him there. I don’t flip us yet though.
“Who gives a fuck if you’re special?” he argues. “If everyone on earth was special, no one would be. We’d all just be fucking normal, and yet you’re still surrounded by people who think you’re pretty fucking special and you’re throwing it away.”
“Throwing it away?” I roll us over so I’m on top of him and stare into his beautiful, sky blue eyes.
“How? I’m still here! Bash is getting married, Yas is getting serious with that producer whether she wants to admit it or not, and Jonah started his clothing line.
I’m the only one here who has the band at number one anymore. I haven’t thrown shit away.”
“I’m not talking about the band,” he mumbles, squirming under me. “I’m talking about the rest of your life. You’re either high enough to see a god who doesn’t exist or so drunk you don’t even know your own name. You’re killing yourself and pulling away from the only people trying to stop you.”
Fuck this.
I shove off of him and fall back on my ass, a scowl planted firmly on my face as I fight the adrenaline pumping through my body. “You’re not trying anymore, remember? I’m on my own now.”
“You disappeared! What did you expect me to do, Lee? Put up a tent outside your front door and hope you opened it someday?”
“Of course not,” I hiss, but to be honest I don’t know what the fuck I wanted — what I want. All I do know is I want him in my life and I can’t stop fucking it up. “I — what do you want from me, Sid? Yeah, I get fucked up sometimes, but I’m not an addict.”
“How would you even know? You’re never sober long enough to find out.” He finally gets to his feet and fixes his clothes. “If you came over to apologize, you’re doing a great job.”
“I’m sorry, alright? That is why I came.”
I collapse back to lay on his floor and stare at the ceiling, the desire to get high inching its way up my spine.
I know how that makes me look, but it feels better than this.
I have nothing outside of beating drums louder than my thoughts, no other skills — I can’t even fucking read music.
I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to love. What’s the point of being sober?
With a sigh, I get to my feet and start walking toward the door. “I also wanted to show you how to punch, and you did great. Just remember what I taught you and you’ll do some damage next time.”
He waits until I’ve got the door wide open and one foot on the porch. “You’re not on your own.”
I shouldn’t be happy about that, but I’m a piece of shit, what can I say?
“Okay, Sid. Neither are you.” I don’t turn around because I can’t look at his face right now, can’t stomach what I’ll see there.
When he doesn’t say anything else, I force myself to turn around and step back inside. “Can I use your bathroom?”
I’m pathetic, I know that.
“Yeah, I’m assuming you remember where it’s at.”
The dryer buzzer goes off so Sidney heads downstairs, and I head straight for his bedroom to start looking around.
I don’t see anything that belongs to another man, and that feels weird.
Doesn’t he have a boyfriend? Did they break up?
It takes about two seconds for me to convince myself that I need to know if they did, and with his phone sitting out in the open on his nightstand, it feels like a no brainer.
I shouldn’t go through it, but if this motherfucker hurt him, I have a lot of pent up anger to get out all over his stupid, dumb face.
I’ve been looking for a reason. The phone is practically singing my name as I snatch it up and unlock it with ease, immediately going to his text thread with Dickhole, but I find nothing that proves they aren’t together anymore.
They’re a little short with each other, yeah, but they have plans to see each other later today, and based on the fact that Leotard is bringing wine, it doesn’t seem like it’s some break up talk. Fuck this.
Sid: Your breath stinks. I can’t do this anymore.
I hit send and then block his number before I can even consider the consequences, then I leave his house without a look back.
That’s... probably gonna bite me in the ass soon.
Oh, well.