37. Chapter 37 #2
This must be how Aspen felt when I told her about BMD. She handled it all so well, always being strong and positive for me. It’s the least I can do for her to try and be her rock. To have faith that my family will see this through.
I make it back to our room with help from another nurse.
Each minute that passes feels like hours.
I check my phone again and again. Twenty minutes.
Thirty. Forty. Forty-five. My stomach roils with fear.
I don’t think this should take this long.
But, then again, what the hell do I know about emergency C-Sections?
I try to remind myself that this is a good hospital and she’s in good care. I pace this hallway up and down so many times, I feel like I am wearing out the linoleum.
Finally, the doors open, and I see the nurse from before come through with a baby in a bassinet, and it feels like my whole world stops.
“Sorry that took so long. He needed a little respiratory help, but that happens with babies born under anesthesia sometimes. He has been doing really well for the last thirty minutes,” she says as she wheels the bassinet closer to me.
I meet her halfway. “And Aspen?”
“They’re still working on her, but she’s stable,” the nurse informs me, and it feels like I’m able to take my first breath in the last few hours. “She had a lot of bleeding. We’re transfusing a unit of blood right now. She will need one more before the day is done. ”
My knees nearly buckle out and I use the bassinet for support.
The only thing that keeps me standing is looking down at my sweet son.
Half of her, half of me. Everything in me changes in that moment.
It’s like the person I was really meant to be comes to life. Being his dad is my most important job.
“How much longer until I can see her?” I don’t even bother to meet her eyes. I keep mine trained on the tiny person bundled in blankets.
“They’re closing and then she will have to wake up a bit. Probably about another forty-five minutes to an hour. The worst has passed, though. Do you want me to go get her Mom?”
Selfishly, I shake my head. “No, I want some time, just me and him. And I want him to meet his mom first.”
“That’s completely understandable. We will bring Aspen back here as soon as she's done. Enjoy that sweet boy; his momma sure worked hard making him.”
While I won’t believe Aspen’s okay until I lay my eyes on her myself, I try to trust the nurse.
“Do you need help getting him up, or have any questions?” She folds her hands in front of her as she looks into the bassinet.
“No, my best friend just had a baby so I've had some good practice.” I reach down, cradling the back of his neck with one hand and putting my other behind him. He is so incredibly small.
“Do you want me to get a picture really quick?” she asks as I cradle him in my arms for the very first time. There’s a lot of moments in life you get a do-over of; holding your baby for the first time is not one. So I soak it in. My heart feels like it’s ice cream on a hot summer day.
“I would really appreciate that and I know it will mean the world to Aspen. My phone is on that chair over there.” I nod my head over to the recliner in the corner.
She grabs it and smiles wide herself. “Okay, say cheese.”
I don’t have to force this smile; in fact, I think the only time I’ve been this genuinely happy is with his mom.
“Perfect,” she says, before showing me the phone. There’s tears in my eyes, but I don’t care.
“Yeah, it is. Thank you again for offering to take a picture.”
“Do you have a name for him?”
I laugh. “I think so, but I need Mom's final say. She changed his middle name twice this week alone.”
“Sounds good, you still have plenty of time to decide. I’m going to go check on Mom and hopefully be back with her soon.”
She leaves the room, and I walk over to the recliner and sit. Rocking back and forth. Realizing my whole world is irrevocably different, in the best way possible. I didn’t know this kind of love was possible. I love Aspen, but the way I love this little guy? Infinite.
He is so much smaller than I ever imagined. My thumb brushes against his cheek; his skin is so soft and perfectly warm. I look him over, trying to memorize every single thing about him. I never want to forget this moment. He’s everything I didn’t know I needed.
We rock, and I stay staring at him until the door finally swings open. I get to my feet.
Aspen's bed is pushed by Evelyn on one end and the anesthesia provider on the other. Evelyn looks at the clock on the wall. “In the room at 1808.” Once they get Aspen’s bed parked, she looks over to me. “Hey Dad, you’re looking comfortable with that baby already,” the doctor says.
“I haven’t changed a diaper yet, so maybe don’t give me too much credit. How’s she doing?”
“Sleepy,” Aspen says for her and my whole body shudders with relief. She looks at the tiny bundle in my arms and her smile beams, lighting up the room. I’ve waited all my life for this moment. The dream is nowhere near how good the real thing feels.
“I’ll give you guys thirty minutes to settle in, and then I’ll be back to give you both a rundown of what happened and do our first check on Aspen.”
The doctor and the rest of the staff leave and I walk to Aspen. “You ready to meet your son?” My throat clogs with emotion as I say it.
“So ready.” Hers isn’t much better than mine. She opens her arms and I set him down. I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life as clearly as I am seeing it right now. Both loves of my life, safe and sound.
“He sure is something, isn’t he?” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed, bringing my arm up to rest on the baby.
“Yeah.” She softly runs her finger over his features. “I didn’t think I could love this much. My heart hurts from happiness.” She stares at him longingly. “I’m so sad I missed his first moments. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.” A small tear tracks down her face.
My heart breaks for her. It was scary for me, but I can only imagine how it felt to be in her shoes. She’s the strongest woman I know. Handling everything life throws at her with such grace.
I kiss the top of her head. “I wish I could change it for you. You did good, mama. You stayed strong for our boy and got him here. We’ll make up for that lost time.” I grab her chin and make her look at me. “I don’t think I will ever repay you for this gift.”
That makes a smile crack across her face. “I’ll start making a list of demands.” There’s my feisty girl. The love of my life and mother of my child. “I sure love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“You need your picture with him and then we need to finalize the name,” I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket.
I get them both in the frame and it’s then I realize my heart is now living out of my chest. Half in each of them.