Chapter 17
17
KELLI
S tanding completely under the spray of the shower has always helped me block out the noise in my head, but it isn’t doing much tonight. I have no idea where things go from here. Logan held me outside after I came down from the earth shattering orgasm they gave me, all while my emotions came rushing to the surface. The term ‘post-nut clarity’ has always felt dumb to me, but maybe men were on to something. I was beyond attracted to all of the guys, and the orgasm I got tonight while I was held between two sexy and dominating men was going to be my fodder for years to come. Logan’s lips were as soft as they looked, and holy hell, can that man kiss. Gentle, but in control, meeting my tongue stroke for stroke, tasting like citrusy beer. I would have been happy staying attached to his lips all night. The dirty mouth on Josh was unexpected, but honestly, it was every dream come true. What I wouldn’t give to be his good girl again.
Logan whispered into my ear how incredible I was and how I could have anything I wanted in this house as he held me together. He said I was in control here and I could have any, or all, of them, in whatever capacity that I want. There’s no denying the attraction between myself and all three of them. Not only are they some of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen, but there’s also a real connection between all of us.
Logan is quickly becoming one of my best friends. He can read my moods and knows exactly how to distract me and make me smile. He took the time to get to know me and to open himself up to me, as well. That sort of vulnerability is so attractive to me, and I haven’t had it since the night Brian and I confessed our souls to each other. Josh is still the quiet one in the group, but even he is letting me see through his tough exterior slowly. He doesn’t make me talk about the nightmares, but always shows up to comfort me and ensure I’m okay. He pushes me in the gym when he knows I need to get out my anger and quietly sits with me, taking extra time to stretch when he sees I just need to not feel alone. What we did may have shown that he and Josh are on board for whatever I want to do moving forward, but I can’t pursue anything with either of them without having a conversation with Brian. I need to know where he stands. I need to know if he feels even a tiny bit of what he used to feel for me or if there is no hope for us. Hiding in the shower all night to avoid seeing if he will be in my room or not probably isn’t my best choice, but I don’t think I can face that rejection yet. I put my head back under the spray, reliving that amazing night Brian and I shared long ago.
Brian pulls my feet up into his lap, mindlessly rubbing them while staring at me like he is truly seeing me the same way I see him. Finally. Our buzz from drinks out with Alex and Danny are wearing off, and we are back at my apartment on my couch just enjoying our last bit of time together before he has to go back to finish his deployment.
“You know, I’ve always seen you as my best friend, too. I didn’t say it out loud because I thought it was embarrassing to admit your younger brother’s best friend was also yours. But you have been, Kelli. The age difference has never mattered between us. You have always seen me in a way others didn’t. You’ve supported and encouraged me, you’ve talked with me when I was upset, you broke up so many fights between Danny and me.” He laughs and shakes his head while squeezing my feet, continuing, “When you guys graduated, I truly saw how your beauty was changing from the girl I adored to a woman who took my breath away. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t do it. I knew you had feelings for me, but I knew my time in the military was not even near being over. I couldn’t steal that time away from you. That time to find yourself, enjoy college, meet new people. I thought we were meant to be just best friends, and I could just watch your life unfold from afar.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I had loved this man most my life, and I felt that love shifting from brotherly to more as well, but I always thought it was a one-sided love. Danny was my best friend, yes, but Brian was my best friend in a different way. My love for him has always felt different. Our conversations were always deeper, full of truths we couldn’t tell anyone else. Our understanding of each other has always felt beyond its time. Even at six, ten, and fourteen, I knew that. To know that all along he could feel it, too, that I haven’t been alone in feeling like we were meant for more, it is everything. Absolutely everything to me.
He sits up further on the couch, letting his hands slide up my calves, gripping under my knees. He pulls me to him so my legs are wrapped over his, and we’re face to face. “For the last five years, I have watched you flourish and take the world by storm. Your phone calls and emails have gotten me through so much and been the highlights of my day. I never stopped rooting for you, supporting you, protecting you. You are still my best friend, Kelli, but I don’t want to watch your life from afar anymore. Getting glimpses of each other through calls while states or oceans away isn’t enough for me anymore. I want to be by your side for the rest of it. Please, baby, tell me I’m not too late. I wanted you to have your time, but time’s up. I’m coming home after this tour, and I want to come home to you. Let me come home to you, baby.”
The overwhelming steam from the bathroom forces me out from under the water and breaks my reminiscing. I need to get out of this shower and face whatever I will be met with in my room. After braiding my hair, brushing my teeth, and putting on my silk pajama set with starfish this time, I take a deep breath. If he isn’t waiting for me in my room, it will be okay. I will have my answer, and I’ll get the closure conversation tomorrow. It would hurt. It would hurt so fucking bad, but I would be okay.
The bedroom door is open and Brian is there, laying on my bed looking up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. He looks up at me, and I don’t miss the way his eyes travel down my body before coming back up, snagging on my pajamas. A tiny lift of his mouth tells me he remembers my affinity for animals. “I didn’t know what side of the bed you like,” he says as if I care that he’s in the center.
So, that’s how he’s going to play this. Still avoiding the serious conversation we desperately need to have. “You can have the left,” moving to my side pulling the comforter back, I climb in and cover myself up. “You get to turn out the light.”
He gets up to turn off the light, moving to the other side of the bed. I watch with rapt attention as he pulls his shirt off over his head before sliding his shorts down, leaving him only in boxers. The room is too dark to truly see any real detail, which leaves me feeling a little annoyed. When he gets into the bed, he faces me with an arm under his pillow. We lay there not talking, just letting our eyes adjust to the dark while looking at each other, the air growing thicker between us. Eventually, Brian lets out a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry I walked away down there.”
“Why did you?”
He’s quiet for another moment while searching my face, “I wasn’t ready to see you with someone else. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
“That’s not fair to me, Brian. I’m not an object you can keep locked up in case one day you decide to play with it again. You have made it clear I am no longer the one for you. That fucking broke me, by the way. Just cutting me out of your life without a word as to why. You don’t get to come in here and tell me that I can’t try to move on. That I can’t take my taped-up heart and offer it to someone else.”
“I know, okay? I know. Fuck,” his voice full of frustration as his chest heaved, trying to calm himself back down. “Those are my best friends. They would be great to you, and I know they would be damn lucky to have you. I want that for you. I do. I just fucked up, okay? I will be fine seeing it next time.”
I roll over to look up at the ceiling, willing the tears not to fall. That isn’t what I wanted to hear. Was there really nothing he wanted with me anymore? The thing that was always different with our friendship was that we could always talk to each other about the hard things. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I ask the question that has been in my head for four years, “What changed?”
“What do you mean?”
“What changed from you planning a life with me to ghosting me in a matter of days? What did I do to deserve that?”
He grabs my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look back at him. “You did nothing wrong. I just… I just realized I couldn’t be the man you needed. The man you deserved. And I didn’t know how to tell you that at the time. You are perfect. You are everything, Kelli, don’t you ever think otherwise.”
“Who are you to decide that for me? Why don’t I get to decide what I need and deserve?” I look around, debating if now is the right time to lay it all on the line or not. “I waited for you the first two years. I waited to hear from you. Some explanation why you suddenly stopped talking to me. Danny told me nothing, and I couldn’t ask. He didn’t know about us. So, I put my heart on hold. I put up my walls that I thought only you could break down. Then, I found someone to scratch the itch when needed. I told myself that it didn’t become more because I was too busy, but really, it was because of you. Always waiting for you. And you gave me nothing, Brian. Nothing. As it turns out though, your friends know how to break down walls, too.”
When he didn’t say anything, I rolled away from him, letting my tears fall. His muttered ‘fuck’ is all I hear before I feel the bed move. “Go to sleep, dove, I’ve got you,” he whispers as he pulls my back to his front, stroking a hand over my stomach. It is achingly sweet, making the tears fall faster. How can he be so hot and cold with me all the time? I know he is lying to himself, telling himself he can’t have me when really, it would be so easy with us. It has been so long since I felt his body wrapped around mine. It feels entirely too good. It feels right. As hurt as I am, I snuggle in closer to him, letting myself be soothed by him just for one night and let myself drift to sleep.
“ Kelliiiiii, where are youuuu?” His voice is deep and so much closer than I realized, “I like this cat and mouse game, little girl. I will always come after you.”
Fuck, I needed to run, but something was holding me back. I was hiding behind a tree in the dark woods, and looking down, I had no shoes on, just my starfish pajamas. His footsteps were getting closer, but I still couldn’t run. It was like something was crushing my chest.
“No, goddamnit, Kelli, you need to run. This isn’t how we end… RUN!” I tell myself as my legs finally start to move. I hadn’t made it but fifteen feet when I’m tackled from behind. “NO!” I scream, “Help me, please, someone help me!” I could feel his hands on my arms shaking me, but Josh has taught me to fight, so I throw my body around trying to land a good hit to get free.
“Wake up, dove, wake up,” Brian’s worried face comes into view as my eyes flutter open. As soon as he sees my eyes open and the fight leave my body, he wraps me in his arms, nuzzling his face in my hair. “I’m so sorry, Kelli, I’ve got you now. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got you.” He wraps me even tighter in his arms, stroking his fingers through my hair, kissing my forehead.
I feel the hot sting of tears as I try to hold them back. Waking to his comforting arms is what I have craved for years. His strength seeping into my tired body should be everything I need, but it’s just a cold reminder he doesn’t want this. He said earlier that his friends would be good for me, that he would be okay letting me go. The first traitorous tear slides down my cheek, quickly followed by painful, chest achingly hard sobs.
Brian just holds me tighter against him, slowly stroking my back and hair while whispering how I am safe with him and that he has me. It just makes the tears fall harder, because for four years, this is what I wanted to hear from him. My head is a mess. I’m falling for Logan and Josh, but despite everything, Brian still has a vice grip on my heart. My body slowly melts back into the safety and comfort of him as my body tires out and there are no tears left to fall. Before I fall asleep, I remember the term he has been calling me all week, “Why do you call me dove?”
Brian’s fingers go still on my back as he lets out a heavy sigh. “I have always felt like our friendship gave me wings. You made me feel like I could do anything, be anything, and you would always be there to lift me up.” His fingers slowly start stroking through my hair again as he continues, “I had a stop-over in Yemen a couple months before that visit home. There were turtle doves everywhere, and a local told me about how they mate for life. These birds who could go anywhere and had the wings to do anything choose one mate to be with for life. It made me think of you.” He squeezes me a little tighter to him again, gripping my thigh to drape my leg over his. “Go to sleep, dove.” Sleep after that comes easy, with my body wrapped around his.