Chapter 18
18
KELLI
I wake to an empty bed, and it would have stung, except I felt more rested than I have in weeks. There was still a lot that Brian and I needed to talk about, but last night was a step in the right direction. My phone lights up on the nightstand, reminding me I need to reach out to the hospital again and check in. As I pull it off the charger, the ping of a new email remains on the screen. I click on it, not fully awake yet, but a scream rips from my throat as the email loads. There are two photos staring back at me, the first one is my pillow on my bed back home that looks to be covered in ropes of cum. The second is a gloved hand holding a pair of my underwear wrapped around an erect dick. The subject line says ‘one step closer’ and below the photos he wrote, ‘ Maine is beautiful this time of year .’
Josh comes barreling into my room right as I jump out of bed. He is at my side looking around the room while holding me before I can blink. When he decides there is no threat in my room, he looks down at me, his murderous expression quickly morphing into something soft as he lifts his hand to wipe a thumb over my cheek. I didn’t realize I was crying until it came up wet.
“What happened?” his voice is rough with such a hardened edge that it sends a chill down my spine.
I grab my phone up from the edge of the bed where I tossed it and hand it to him. His jaw clamps down hard as he looks at the email I still have pulled up. “Logan!” he yells as he grabs my hand and pulls me along behind him. We start making our way down to the living room as he yells for Logan and Brian again. Leading me to the couch, he nudges me to sit down, still gripping my phone tight in his other hand. “I think they’re in the gym. Don’t move, I’m going to get them. It’s time we all have a talk.” As he rushes down to the basement, I go to make a pot of coffee. I need something to do with my hands so I don’t have a full-fledged panic attack. My hands are shaking as I try to pull mugs out from the cupboard. Brian’s body crowds me in from behind, grabbing them from my hand and putting them on the counter for me.
I take a second to close my eyes and lean back against him to borrow his strength for just a moment. He smells like sweat and sandalwood again, which has quickly become a favorite of mine. His arms snake around my waist, pulling me tighter to him as my body relaxes into his. “I’ve got you,” his breath tickles my ear. “Go and sit. I will bring in the coffee. I have you, Kelli. We’ve got you.”
My breath feels shaky as I sit on the couch, pulling my legs up into my chest. Logan comes out from the office with his laptop and sits next to me. He feels stiff and won’t look at me as he powers up his computer and logs in. My whole body feels jittery, and he must notice because he grabs a blanket that’s draped behind him and tucks it around me, all without making eye contact. Josh and Brian come in the room, handing out mugs of coffee before Brian sits on the other side of me and Josh takes the chair across from us.
I get a feeling like I’m in trouble, and they are blocking all sides to keep me from running. Brian’s hand snakes under the blanket to grip my thigh that is still firmly pulled into my chest. “We need to talk about the escalations and how we want to proceed from here.”
“Escalations, as in multiple? This is the first time he’s reached out again,” I falter. I was certain I was done crying after last night, but the lump in my throat is getting harder to swallow down. One message in over a week’s span isn’t that bad in comparison to how often he was reaching out before. My mind is reeling from it all when I recall what exactly the email said.
“He knows I’m in Maine,” I mutter. Realistically, he could be bluffing or guessing that I’m in Maine. I’m not all that far from home, and he could be trying to get a reaction from me to confirm or deny that I am here. Plus, Maine is a huge state even if he knows I am here. He didn’t specify the town, so maybe he doesn’t really know at all.
Logan finally looks up from his laptop, the look in his eyes full of shame. “It’s not the first time he’s reached out recently, Kelli. It’s just the first one I didn’t intercept on time.”
“What do you mean intercept? What the hell is going on?” I can’t keep the panic from my voice. Has my stalker been active this whole time? I was finally starting to feel safe again. The guilt written on all three of their faces tells me enough. They have been hiding things from me when all I asked from them was honesty. I just want to go home, but that place is ruined for me now. I no longer have a home, a place that is mine to be proud of, somewhere where I feel safe. He has taken that from me, and now, I’m stuck here with people who are keeping things from me. Things that are about my life, yet here they are playing puppet masters like I am something for them to control. “Well? Is someone going to answer me?” I fumed.
Josh rests his arms on his thighs, holding his coffee mug between his fingers. “When you first got here, Logan cloned your phone. He never snooped or looked through anything, but he has been keeping tabs on your emails, calls and texts, and any other messages. There were two times prior to this that he has reached out. The first was a message that said, ‘ You can run, but can you hide? ’ and the second one said, ‘Keep running, little bitch, because the next time I see you will be the last. ’ This email is the third message.”
Logan reaches over, removing my coffee from my shaking hands and puts it on the table in front of us. I must have really pissed someone off in a past life to deserve this. The air in my lungs feels like it’s choking me, my chest too tight to get in a breath that I desperately need. My body is hauled onto Logan’s lap before I have time to fall into full panic, one hand being used to squeeze my hands, the other on my chest as he tells me to breathe. “Breathe with me, nice and deep,” he whispers in my ear. His chest is nestled up right behind my back. I try to follow the rise and fall of his chest with my own, focusing only on the feel of him around me. “Good girl, keep focusing on your breathing, you’re okay. We’ve got you.”
Feeling my chest finally fully expand with a deep breath, I look back around to see Josh sitting on the coffee table in front of us and Brian in the middle of the couch where I was just a moment ago. I didn’t hear either of them move, but being surrounded by them eases some of the fear that was taking hold of my body. Josh reaches forward, taking the hand Logan was holding onto into his and starts lightly rubbing it, easing the tension from my bones. I look at all three of them, letting out a little huff of laughter. As upset as I am, I can’t help but see the shield they have unintentionally formed around me. “Have you guys blocked me into this little circle to keep me from running, or is it to keep the outside world from getting to me?”
“Both,” Josh replies, always being the one to keep it real. “We didn’t do this intentionally. We all feel the same about you and this situation though. It’s in our nature and our training to protect the innocent. This is a little different, though, because you feel like ours to protect.” His calloused hand gives mine a little squeeze. “Well, mine to protect.”
Despite the situation, the walls I had erected around my heart felt like they were crumbling. These men felt like mine, too. Josh and Logan did at least, but after last night, I think Brian might be, too. “We need to go back to the beginning of this conversation. I am going to table the cloning my phone and have a conversation with you about privacy later,” I turn back to level Logan with a look. “How did he reach out the other two times? Were there more photos?”
Logan takes a deep breath behind me, then moves me back to the couch between himself and Brian, but Brian scoops me up and puts me in his lap before my butt even hits the cushion. He then spends the next fifteen minutes recapping everything that has happened this week. Showing me the two previous messages, reviewing what all the bricks had on them when they came through my window, which I had not seen yet, as well as going into detail about where he and his team were at with trying to track this guy through his IP address as they tried to follow any cyber trail. Apparently, it was well covered by my stalker. Brian held me in his arms the whole time, and Josh never let go of my hand.
“Why have you guys kept this from me? It’s my life. If I hadn’t seen this email this morning, would you have continued to lie to me?” I want to be grateful for all the hard work Logan has been putting in to try and catch this guy, but the fact that he went behind my back really hinders that. I deserve to know what is happening and if my stalker is getting closer to finding me. I know the boys will do everything they can to keep me safe, but I also don’t want to put them in danger.
“We should have told you. You were just getting comfortable here. You were happy. We didn’t want to take that away. I promise nothing will happen without your knowledge from here on out. I’m sorry. We made a mistake not telling you immediately.” Logan doesn’t look away from me, letting me see the truth and remorse in his eyes. “We need to discuss next steps and see if we can decipher if he really knows you are in Maine or not. I also need to let Alex know they need to go to your house ASAP and see if they can get that DNA evidence.”
“Okay, I need some time to myself. Can you guys talk about it and we can discuss at lunch what you think is best to do from here?” They all nod as I make my way upstairs to get dressed. As I head back down to go sit on the beach for a bit, Logan catches me.
“I’m really sorry, baby girl. We never should have kept this from you. I know Josh puts on this front that he doesn’t care about anything, but hurting you is gutting him. He fought us all week telling us you deserved to know. Please, if you shut us out, just don’t shut him out, too. This is the most I have seen him care for someone in… well, ever,” he explains.
It doesn’t surprise me at all that Josh was the one to take my side. He hides himself from everyone, but I have seen glimpses of the man underneath. There is a man that hasn’t been given the love he deserves beneath that hard exterior, one that just wants to be seen and loved. It shows in the way he watches me closer the mornings after I have nightmares, the way he takes my hand to show his support, and the way he looks to the others for their reactions when he speaks. “Can you send him out to me when you guys are done talking? I’ll be down by the beach.”
Squishing the rocky sand between my toes, my mind floats through all the events of the last few weeks. My whole life was essentially uprooted simply because of a quick reaction to a drunk patient. Living in fear isn’t something I wanted to get used to, but being a jobless mooch living here isn’t sounding too great either. The guys have gone out of their way to help me and make me feel welcome and safe in their home, but this was never their idea. I was someone they felt pity for, that they now feel a sense of responsibility for. If they really wanted me here, they would have respected me enough to be upfront with me about everything.
There are feelings getting involved now, at least on my end. I can’t stay here much longer and let myself fall deeper while knowing that I would always be a burden to them and not a choice. I want to be someone’s first choice, their priority. I was never my dad’s choice, and work was my mom’s first priority. I deserve more than that. One more week was plenty of time to give Logan and his team to try and find this guy. If they couldn’t do that, I would go home and go back to work. I don’t want to spend my life running and hiding. I could sell my house and find an apartment with security until this all blew over and he was caught or he just went away.
Hopefully they were coming up with a plan to get this sorted before then. I know I asked to be in the know, but this is their area of expertise, not mine. I lean back in the chair, trying to enjoy the sun warming my body while my toes play in the sand at the edge of the water, keeping me cool. Nothing I do now would change anything, so enjoying the peace of my surroundings would have to be enough.
Footsteps behind me isn’t enough to convince me to open my eyes and ruin the calm moment I am enjoying. The sound of something being set down next to me however is. Rolling my head to the side, I peek through one eye down at the basket that is next to my chair. Looking up, I see Josh sitting in the chair next to me, watching me, so I decide to sit up and open the basket.
It’s filled with grapes, strawberries, some cut up meats and cheeses, and two waters. “You made a picnic charcuterie board?” Surprise oozes from my voice.
“Last time I visited my sisters, they were obsessed with these things. Figured you might like to eat out here since it’s your favorite spot and you’ve had a rough morning.” He looks out over the water, looking unsure for the first time since I have met him. “I can go, though, if you want.”
“Stay.” It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it, the relief in his sagging body immediately evident. I have learned so much about Logan this week, and I obviously know the most about Brian, but Josh is still sort of a mystery to me. One that is latching onto me and one I want to discover. “Tell me about your sisters. How many do you have?”
“Two little sisters. Lisa is twenty-seven and married, Hannah is twenty-five and just started a job at the Swedish Cancer Institute working on cancer research. They are the best people I know,” he says, his voice evident with the pride he feels toward them, love radiating from the smile on his face as he talks about them. “They have overcome so much, and have really made something of themselves. They may bust my balls a lot, but I would do anything for them.” His voice grows quieter as his smile fades. “They would be pissed at me if they found out I didn’t tell you what was going on when honesty was all you asked for. It is the least you deserve. I’m sorry, Kelli.”
I think that was the most vulnerable Josh has been, and truly, I want more. I wasn’t going to lie and tell him it was okay when it wasn’t. He knows they all messed up, so instead, I respond, “I know how you can make it up to me.”
“Oh yeah?” He says with a smirk as he reaches into the basket between us, plopping a grape into his mouth.
“Tell me more about you. What’s the rest of your family like? Why’d you join the Army? Who was your first love? I want to hear all of it.” There was about a ninety percent chance he was going to laugh me off and walk away, but to my surprise, he starts talking. He tells me about his home life when he was a kid, the accident that killed one of their teammates when he got injured overseas. He goes into detail about how he mostly worked through the nightmares. I learned about how he started the company, and about where his tech skills came from.
“Why did you join the Army?”
He runs his hand through his hair, “I was an angry kid. I was the boy from the trailer park in dirty clothes with an addict mom, so I wasn’t exactly popular in school. I got into numerous fights, but I did my best to be a good influence for my sisters. I didn’t want to let the anger rot and fester, and I knew the military would help teach me the discipline I needed. I thought I would just do my four years and get out, but I really thrived in that environment. Plus, it helped me save money to help pay for Hannah and Lisa to go to college.”
“Did you get stationed with Logan and Brian right away?”
“Logan first, then Brian got transferred to our base about a year later. We all clicked pretty quickly, so I always tried to get stationed wherever they were.”
“Do you regret getting out when you did?” I ask, pulling a few pieces of meat from the basket.
“No, after everything with my leg and the fact that Brian and Logan were getting out, it was time. I miss it some days, but I’m really proud of what Brian and I have built together and where we all are in life.”
Through it all, I find a recurring theme where he has dedicated his life to others, never expecting anything in return. From when he was a little boy to now, he has been this silent force, ensuring everyone else is safe, happy, and loved, all while never ensuring he puts himself in those categories. Josh has never put himself or his needs first, which has led to him completely closing himself off from others. No one met his needs for so long that he stopped expressing them and eventually stopped expressing himself at all. My heart hurts for this selfless man, wanting to be the one thing he takes for himself.
I snatch a strawberry, slipping it in my mouth, as I prod, “You never told me about your first love.”
“I’ve never been in love. Never even been in a relationship.”
“What? How is that possible?”
He sits back in the chair, drumming his fingers on the armrest. “I mean, I have dated around, but relationships aren’t my thing.”
“Is that by choice?”
“I don’t know how to be in one, so I’ve never pursued one. I watched my mother have horrible and toxic relationships one after another, then I joined the Army and was constantly moving around. I don’t know if you’re aware, but military divorce rates are astronomical. I’ve never seen a healthy or constant relationship, and I don’t want to repeat the cycle by getting into a toxic one. If I ever fall in love, I want it to only be once. I would want a woman I can give myself to wholly and who does the same for me. I don’t know how to do that, though. I don’t know how I would make someone want to stay. Most women I have been with don’t want that from me anyway.”
“They just want you for your body?” I tease. “I don’t know that I am any better at relationships. I haven’t had a serious one either. I feel that when you meet the right person, it will come easy. You will just click and know what to do because you will want the best for them, and you both will work to be the best for each other. At least, that’s what I hope.”
Josh contemplates that for a while, glancing between me and the lake. Vulnerability written all over his face. “What if I end up with someone who wants kids? I don’t know how to be a dad. If my relationship models were bad, my parenting ones were even worse.”
“Sometimes knowing what not to do is enough. You know how not to parent, so you can do the opposite of that. No one gets handed a baby and knows exactly what to do. You figure it out as you go, just trying to be better than you were yesterday, all while nurturing the child. It’s just like a relationship that way.”
“Do you want kids?”
“Someday, I do. I want to be in a place where I can shower them with all the love I have and show up for them every day in whatever way they need.”
“You are going to make a great wife and mother one day, you know that? I haven’t told you, but I see the little things you do for me. For all of us. It means a lot to me, you caring for me in the quiet. We’re really lucky to have you here, Kelli. I’m sorry we took advantage of that.”
My chest feels heavy again, my vision blurring. This sweet grumpy man is breaking the walls around my battered heart even more, all without even trying.
After a few hours of talking and finishing off the basket of food, we walk back up to the house as I slip my hand into his. I want him to feel comfort from me, just like he gives to me. I also want more of him than just the glimpse I got in the hot tub. “Will you stay with me tonight? To help keep the nightmares at bay?”
He looks down at our joined hands, then studies my face. “Yeah, my little flame, I will.” His lips start to lift before he looks forward with his same stoic expression. My heart picks up its speed, imagining how good it will feel to be wrapped up in his huge arms, snuggled safely against his hard chest.
“Let’s go talk to the guys about what their plan is and how we can continue to keep you safe.” That shuts down all my stomach flutters. Back to reality we go.