Chapter 58
The sound of dripping water met Gaeren’s ears and the tepid touch of a rag hit his face, drawing him to a groggy awareness. He squinted up at Riveran, his gaze resting on the other man’s smirk.
“You have a way of stirring up drama wherever you go,” Riveran said.
Gaeren winced as even his friend’s softly rumbled words pummeled his head. “Aeliana?” he grunted out.
Riveran’s smirk transferred to a full grin. “Velden carried her to Bayla’s room. She’ll be fine eventually.”
Gaeren’s palm throbbed, but he refused to look at it, picturing the scars he’d always despised on Enla’s hands, expecting that Aeliana’s palm now looked the same.
Instead, he reached for the braid under his sleeve, rubbing the smooth hair as if challenging the bond mark he’d once had to flair with its righteous indignation.
His palm continued its dull throb, but the pain in his chest ran deeper, an ache of something lost. It was magnified by guilt when he realized he should be thinking about Lenda and all the ways she was likely suffering back in Elanesse.
Riveran tipped a cup of water against Gaeren’s lips.
As he drank, Gaeren took in their place in the small bedroom Bayla had reserved for visitors, its only furnishings the straw mattress Gaeren lay on, the wooden chair Riveran sat on, and the meager dresser with its two drawers.
Sunlight streamed through the window, making it likely to be midday, and the door remained shut, offering them a bit of privacy for who knew how long.
“Sylmar was impressed that Aeliana was mostly able to heal both of you before the pain overtook her. There was just a barely bleeding scratch left on your palm.” Riveran’s eyebrows rose, the unspoken question hanging in the air.
“There was nothing more to heal,” Gaeren murmured, remembering the way Aeliana had laid down the knife and offered a kiss instead.
Riveran snorted. “Well, that should probably stay between the two of us unless you want the women scheming.”
Riveran’s lack of surprise made Gaeren’s guilt flare more. A strange ache overrode the hope he’d had mere moments before. Or had it been longer? How long had he been out?
“You and Velden scheme enough without the women,” Gaeren said.
Riveran chuckled and crossed his arms over his chest, staring down at Gaeren. His smile faded, and his teasing tone was replaced by genuine concern. “What made you finally realize how you felt for her?”
Gaeren started to shake his head, but the pain transferred to a sharp stab between his eyes, and he closed them in an effort to hold it back.
“When she offered a kiss,” he croaked out, thinking back on the innocence in her eyes, knowing she didn’t even understand what she’d offered. Jasperus hadn’t lied to her; a kiss could break a bond. But there had to be a depth of love behind it that could compete with the depth of the bond.
At first, he’d meant to tell her that detail, to explain that it wouldn’t be enough. But as he’d stared into her eyes, a warmth had grown in his chest, a warmth that rivaled the joy he’d felt during his Awakening. He'd fallen for her despite the bond that had tried holding him back.
The emotions roared within him again, the guilt and horror over what he’d done threatening to suffocate the ray of hope brought on by the memory of not just the kiss but the understanding of what he felt for her.
“Does she even know?” Riveran asked.
Gaeren gave another slight shake of his head, wincing at the way stars exploded in his vision even though his eyes were closed.
Riveran placed the rag over Gaeren’s forehead as if it could weigh down the pain threatening to surface. “It’ll get easier.”
“When?”
“A few more days maybe? It took me about a week to return to full strength, but Enla’s and my bond was stronger.
” He hesitated. “But so was Iris’ and Holm’s, and she fought through the pain to travel.
But ours also weren’t broken with a kiss.
I’m not sure there’s any way to know for sure. Each situation is likely different.”
It wasn’t the answer Gaeren wanted. Did Aeliana felt the same way, or had the years away from Vendaran culture left her free from this burden? Or was it worse for both of them because their bonds had been broken by unfaithfulness?
And yet what had they been unfaithful to? Lukai and Aeliana’s bond had never been more than the protection her parents had designed it to be. And Gaeren and Lenda’s bond had been more of an idea than an actual connection.
Even his remorse felt fabricated, like a remnant of the bond still lingered to torture him with guilt he didn’t truly deserve. But it was still strong. Strong enough that the love he’d felt for Aeliana now felt tainted, which made him even angrier.
He longed to jump out of bed and shove away the feelings, to work them out in the yard with Riveran and their swords. But his entire body felt feverish and his muscles ached.
“Now what?” Gaeren peeked through one cracked eyelid to catch Riveran’s shrug.
“We wait? At least you had decent timing. If we’re stuck here waiting for Larkos to show up, might as well get that task out of the way.”
It felt like Larkos should have already been here, but despite all their obstacles on Sayhla Island, they’d only been gone two weeks. Two extremely long weeks. Gaeren shifted in the bed, fighting through the agony so he could turn on his side, away from his friend.
“Although Sylmar and the others are in an uproar,” Riveran went on as though Gaeren hadn’t rejected his presence. “Even Bayla is a bit put out because she and Rox had to move out to the campfire since Aeliana’s cries were keeping the boy awake.”
The fire in Gaeren’s chest intensified, except he couldn’t tell why.
At first it seemed to be concern for Aeliana, a desire for her to be taken care of.
But a small part of him had the strange sensation they were both getting what they deserved.
The feeling didn’t match with his head or even his heart, and it made him despise the bond once more.
Could he never truly be free of it? Even after searing it off with a kiss, would he be tied down by his guilt instead?
“Lukai’s in the main living area. Kendalyhn’s been taking care of him, but his recovery seems to be easier than yours and Aeliana’s.
” The confusion in Riveran’s voice sent several questions to the tip of Gaeren’s tongue.
He’d forgotten that Lukai would also be affected, but wasn’t that what he and Kendalyhn wanted?
Was it easier for them because Lukai hadn’t been the one to break it?
Would Gaeren and Aeliana have been better off cutting out their bonds instead?
It would make ironic sense if the way that had seemed easier actually held more pain in the long run.
“Why has no one given us all herbs to sleep?” he muttered.
“Oh, we have,” Riveran said. “You’ve been sleeping for the last two days. I’ve changed your soiled clothes and sheets enough that any debt between us better be forgiven.”
Gaeren groaned in disgust even though Riveran’s voice held amusement.
This vulnerability was almost as painful as the effects of the bond.
He tried to remind himself it was worth it, that this was something he and Aeliana had chosen, that it was a gift for Lukai and Kendalyhn as much as a way to free Lenda, Gaeren, and Aeliana.
But if it was such a good thing, why did it feel so terrible?
“Once Sylmar hears you’re awake, he’ll be in to see you.” Riveran’s humor left, his tone turning wary. “That man has been unsettled ever since we left Sayhla Island.”
“He’s never been settled,” Gaeren corrected, burying his face under his pillow to block out the Sun’s light. “I suspect he never will be.”
Riveran’s short laugh made Gaeren wince again and bury his head deeper.
Despite his pain, his stomach growled, and the whine of chair legs pushing against the wood floor gave evidence of Riveran rising.
“They made a stew for Aeliana and Lukai. There should be enough left to tide you over until the next time you wake. I’ll add some of my valerian root to it. ”
“Thank you,” Gaeren mumbled, but he suspected Riveran was already gone.
The next time Gaeren woke, the pain in his stomach warred with the pain in his chest and palm, which he took as a good sign.
He’d need to fight through it to eat and rise, or he would grow sick in other ways.
But all that was forgotten when he cracked open his eyes and found Sylmar glaring at him from the seat Riveran had previously occupied.
“You’re awake.” The old man’s statement bit like an accusation.
Gaeren opened his mouth, but his tongue was too dry for the words to come.
Sylmar grunted his irritation, then passed over a glass, clearly not eager to nurse Gaeren back to health in any way.
Gaeren struggled to take it, nearly spilling it in his efforts to wet his lips and tongue.
The little he managed to get down allowed him to speak once more.
“Riveran said you wanted to speak with me.”
Sylmar grunted again, and Gaeren suspected this was how much of their conversation would go.
“Why did you do it?” The old man’s grip tightened on his staff, as if the answer Gaeren gave might determine whether or not it needed to be used.
One of Orra’s favorite phrases came to mind, making Gaeren choke out a laugh. “There are a number of reasons. Nothing is ever just one thing.”
Sylmar scowled. “Then name at least one.”
“My sister told me to.”
This answer made Sylmar pause, a strange reward for Gaeren in the midst of his pain. “Why would your sister suggest such a thing?”
Gaeren tried to shrug, then winced as the room spun. “I’ve stopped expecting reasons from her. Her reasons are always good—they’re based on what she sees in the future. Or at least, they always were. She’s been confused lately.”