Chapter 14 #2
Except deep down, June knew this was a lie too, or at least only a half-truth. She wasn’t only concerned with Benjamin’s heart. It was hers too.
She liked Levi, to borrow the simple yet oh so affecting terms he’d used on their previous date gone wrong.
She liked talking to him, liked his sense of humor.
She liked that he seemed as happy playing trains with her son as he did hanging out at the local bar, that he came out to the park with her even when he was freezing. She just liked him.
And if she let herself get any more attached, it would be that much harder to say goodbye.
He wasn’t going to stay either. Sure, he might be having fun with her for now, but he came from a life of wealth, glitz, glamour, fame.
The kind of life that people worked their whole lives for and often didn’t get anyway.
But Levi… he’d had the talent to make it to the top.
It would be selfish of June to even want him to stay away from the rewards that he’d earned with his skills and his hard work.
She sniffled a little.
“You okay?”
Levi’s voice from behind her startled her.
“Oh, just the onions,” she said, wiping her eyes with her wrist. She tried to offer him a watery smile.
She didn’t think that her expression was very convincing, and, judging from Levi’s expression, he wasn’t reassured either. But Benjamin was close on his heels, so he didn’t press the issue.
“Is dinner ready, Mommy?” he asked.
“Just about,” she replied, pushing back her feelings so that she could focus on being a good parent, a skill she’d perfected in the immediate aftermath of Keith’s death. “Can you set the table?”
“Sure!” Benjamin said agreeably. “Levi, do you want to help me?”
Levi looked at June probingly for another long moment, but then he turned to Benjamin with a friendly smile.
“Sure thing, kiddo,” he said. “Show me where everything is.”
It was only Benjamin’s endless chatter that got June through the dinner.
It wasn’t that Levi was awkward. No, she was the one who was awkward.
Levi was perfectly charming and kind to Benjamin, which of course made everything so much worse.
It made it all too easy to imagine how nice it could be, if things worked out with Levi.
How they could have a good time together, not just as a couple, but all three of them.
Except that was not fated to be, and the sooner June got that through her mind, the better.
Eventually, the dinner ended, much to June’s mingled relief and regret. Benjamin hopped up, put his plate in the dishwasher without her even asking, and then turned to Levi.
“Do you want to play some more?” he asked, and it was the final blow to June’s heart. She had to busy herself with tidying up to hide the emotion that she knew was visible on her face.
“Let me talk to your mom for a little bit, okay?” she heard Levi say to Benjamin.
“Sure!” Benjamin was entirely unbothered before he scampered off. That was one thing, at least. Maybe he wouldn’t be crushed when Levi didn’t come around any longer.
“June.”
Levi’s voice came from right behind her the moment before his hand landed on her shoulder. There was something resigned to it, but, then again, that made sense. He couldn’t have been unaware of her discomfort during their meal.
“I’m sorry,” she said, blinking her eyes a few times before she turned to face him. She leaned back against the counter, needing to put some space between them even as so much of her longed to ask for a hug, instead.
Levi let her retreat. He gave her a confused, sad sort of smile.
“I just… don’t understand,” he said. “I thought things were going well, but then all of a sudden… they weren’t?”
She took a deep breath. “You were wonderful with Benjamin,” she said.
“And that is… bad?”
Her laugh was watery. “No,” she assured him. “No, not at all. It was great. I owe you a thanks, actually. The way you talked to him about his diagnosis was wonderful. I really appreciate it.”
“But?” he prompted, clearly sensing that this was not all that there was to the story.
She spread her hands. “But I don’t know what I’m doing here,” she admitted.
“I think you’re great, but I am so new to dating while having a child.
And you’re still figuring things out with your plans, and I think it’s just all…
” She had to pause to sniff again. Levi’s hand twitched at his side when she did so, as if he wanted to reach out to comfort her.
She wasn’t sure whether she was grateful or regretful when he didn’t.
“It’s all just a lot,” she said. “And I think we should just… slow down. Take a beat.”
Levi still looked baffled, but he was such a good man that of course he didn’t do anything more than give her a slow, thoughtful nod. Of course he respected her boundary without questioning.
“Okay,” he said. “I don’t necessarily agree, but I don’t need to agree. You get to set the pace here. I said that before and I still mean it. So, I’ll go.”
His kindness was breaking her heart.
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“But June…” He trailed off and didn’t finish the thought until she met his eye.
“I’m not calling it, not yet, okay? I’m a grown man; you setting a limit isn’t going to scare me off.
I know how to hear things I don’t want to hear, all right?
But I’m also not a quitter. So unless you’re telling me you don’t want to see me ever again, I’m going to keep my hopes up.
We’ll go slow, but we don’t stop unless you say we have to stop. ”
June knew that the wisest thing would be to make a clean break now. She couldn’t be helping anyone by keeping their hopes alive, could she?
But… she couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t look at him and say that she never wanted to see him again.
“I’m sorry I’m making this so difficult,” she said instead.
“No,” he said immediately. “No, June. Don’t apologize for protecting yourself and your son, okay? Take the time you need. And when you’re ready, we’ll see one another again. Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah. Thank you.”
This time, he did reach out, but only long enough to touch her arm, and only with a touch so fleeting that she barely registered it before it was gone again.
“I’m going to go say goodbye to Benjamin and then I’ll bid you both goodnight,” he said.
June nodded and didn’t follow him as he left the room.
She could hear his murmured goodbye to her son, which was delivered in an easy, cheerful tone that wouldn’t indicate to Benjamin that anything was amiss.
June felt grateful for the moment to collect herself so that, when she walked Levi to the door, she could do so with a straight face.
They were polite with one another as he departed, polite in a way they had never before been with one another.
There were no clever quips, no teasing remarks.
June appreciated that he was being so understanding about something that she knew she hadn’t explained very well, if only because she didn’t fully understand her feelings herself.
Even so, their distant attitude toward one another sort of broke her heart, just a little.
When Levi was gone, she closed the door and leaned her back against it, pressing her hands to the ache in her chest.
This was the right decision. She knew rationally that this was the right decision. She needed to protect her son, and, yes, protecting her own heart was part of that too.
But knowing and feeling were two different things. And if she knew that it was right, it felt all wrong.
She could only afford to indulge in her hurt feelings for a few moments, though. So she shoved her feelings away, pressing them deep down, and then she went back to her son. Because this was her life. This. Being a good mom, a responsible parent. That was what mattered.
Her bruised heart could never, ever be as important as that… not even if she was all too aware of the traitorous thump in her chest as she tried to think about anything besides Levi.