Chapter 23
I’m still in my chair, hands folded, eyes trained on my desk when I hear Ainsley enter my office. I should have known he wouldn’t follow my directions to go far from here and wait for me to come to him.
The kid does what he wants. Something I’ve always been equal parts annoyed and impressed by. Even in the face of my relentlessly controlling nature, he still makes his own choices. And he doesn’t even lie to me about them. He tells me the truth and accepts my criticism.
The air gets sucked from my lungs when I think about what a great kid he was and what a great person he is, and how harshly I’ve been criticizing him. He flies around the world, helping to sandbag rivers and build schools. Sure, I would prefer him to have an education, but how incredibly short sighted of me to think that’s the only thing that matters in this world.
I’ve spent my life safe in my castle, behind my desk, writing checks to charity aid organizations and patting myself on the back for it. Ainsley wants to actually help people. And maybe it’s because I got to actually help people with my own two hands for the first time in my life that I’m seeing it differently. Or maybe it’s because I got to witness firsthand how much a person can relax and blossom when allowed to just be themselves.
And it was fucking me. I blossomed. Because someone allowed me to be fully and completely myself.
And now she’s gone.
Leaving behind a trail of wreckage and betrayal.
That’s true enough. I feel like a complete wreck right now, so bad that I nearly consider betraying the promise I made to my dying wife all those years ago.
Take good care of Ainsley, okay?
“You alright, dad?”
I shake my head but don’t look up. Then, I change my mind.
I meet his eye and nod. “Yeah, bud. I’m okay.”
He’s looking at me like he doesn’t believe me, but I don’t offer any defense. I don’t have any left.
Ainsley comes to sit in one of the leather chairs facing my desk and folds his arms. “This was quite a surprise.”
I feel the blood rush to my face and am finally able to put a name to the horrible feeling that’s been gutting me alive for the last twenty minutes.
Embarrassment. Maybe even shame.
“For me, too.”
“You didn’t know that she and I…like, dated?”
“No.”
“Yeah. We met in Indonesia, and she came to Faraday with me to take that teaching position. You sure you’re okay? You kinda look like you’re going to barf.”
“It’s something I’m considering.”
“It’s totally fine, dad. I mean, it was never serious between us. We were more like friends the whole time.”
When I still can’t manage to contribute to the conversation, Ainsley goes on.
“I’m a little surprised you went for her, though. I didn’t realize younger women were your type. I mean, I guess I don’t know what your type is, you’ve never dated anyone as far as I know.”
No one that I brought home to the house, anyway. One of the pillars of taking good care of Ainsley was not parading a string of women through his childhood. I see now that all I succeeded in was failing to model how a proper, loving relationship could work. He just thought I was alone all those years. What a role model I turned out to be.
“Okay, well, I can see that you need a minute, so I’m going to go get settled.”
“Take a different room. One downstairs.”
“Excuse me?”
“Victoria’s been staying upstairs, in the room across from mine. Don’t go up there. And don’t bother her.”
Ainsley laughs softly. “All right. I’ll be nice. What’s going to happen now? Surely the three of us aren’t going to live here like one big, happy family.”
Another laugh from him draws my glare up from the desk and straight into his eyes. His smile fades.
“I’m leaving. I have to go back to the city anyway, it might as well be today. It’s better that way.”
“Wait, you’re just going to leave?”
“You should come with me.”
“I just got here, dad. And besides, I promised Ave I’d help out at Sam’s house this week. I guess he’s still dealing with some flood damage. He’s been staying at the resort.”
Another wave of shame washes over me like the tide. I got so caught up in my own shit that I failed to even check in with Sam about his house. I know damn well his property is on the west end of the island. “Is everything okay over there? With Sam’s property?”
“We’ll get it sorted. Ave and I are going to dig out the back patio and install new legs on one of the outbuildings. I haven’t been over to see the damage yet, so I can’t say what else needs to be done.”
Damn it. I shouldn’t leave. But I have to. “Use your credit card to pay for anything that needs to be done over there, okay? Don’t worry about the charges.”
Ainsley, bless his heart, stays quiet instead of pointing out the fact that no amount of money could replace the goodwill of my showing up over there to help. That I’m doing exactly what I always do—running back to safety and throwing money at difficult situations.
“I would stay if I could. I’ll stop and talk to Sam on my way to the mainland.”
“Sure.”
“Will you just go downstairs and let me have a few minutes to get my things together and talk to Victoria?”
“Sure, dad.”
I listen to the door close behind him. The last thing I want to do is walk out of this room, but I don”t have a choice. I’ve been in some seriously difficult courtroom situations before, but none of it prepared me for what I”m about to do.
I climb the stairs like a man on death row.
The soft slap on the tile draws my attention down and I smile to myself as I notice my bare feet. I shake my head, thinking of all the times I lectured Ainsley about going barefoot, even in the house. It’s too dangerous, not good for his arches. At home I have a dedicated pair of orthopedic house shoes. And here I am, walking around my house completely barefoot. I know if I looked at the soles of my feet, they”d be dirty.
I reach the top of the stairs and walk straight to Victoria’s door. I can hear her behind the closed door, crying softly and shuffling around. She’s probably packing. I don’t know where she plans on going, but it”s understandable that she wants to get out of here. I’m having the same reaction.
Not an hour ago, I was about to propose extending this thing between us indefinitely. Offer her a place in my home. And now? Nothing has ever seemed so impossible.
This isn”t even about forgiveness. Hell, I forgive her. Honestly, I do. I could overlook the whole deception, the months of lies straight to my face. Of sitting with me while I talked about my son and my struggles with him. She looked me straight in the eye and kept her secret.
I forgive all that.
But it doesn”t change anything.
With a deep breath, I make my decision. I know the consequences are going to gut me, but I’m used to being the strong one. I can take it.