Chapter 42 #2
“Baby, I think you’re having a panic attack. Have you had one before?”
I shake my head.
No.
Because nothing has ever broken me before.
But this will. It is.
“Take a breath.” He gently cups my cheek, watching me closely. “That’s my girl. In and out.”
I follow the way he’s breathing and try to focus on how his hand feels warm and soothing against my skin.
“You’re okay, baby. You’re safe. Nice and slow.” He strokes his thumb down my cheek, over and over, his calming voice offering endless praise until I stop shaking.
The way he stares down at me with such a worried expression makes me feel like the worst person in the world. This man truly loves me.
But…
“Xander. I can’t,” I force out, painfully.
Xander’s gaze darts all over my face, but he doesn’t understand. “What, baby? Can’t what?”
Closing my eyes, tears continue to stream down my face. “I’m so in love with you. You are the most amazing man, and you treat me like I’m the center of your universe.”
He stares at me, frowning. “That’s because you are, baby. I didn’t think I could love someone again until you.”
A sob breaks free as his words sink in.
He loves me.
“I love you so much, Xander.” I cover my mouth and let out a sob, more tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Over the years, after putting up with my mom’s addiction for so long, I had to learn to put myself first and love myself more than I loved her, so I wouldn’t go back.
I had to come to the realization that I would never be safe around her.
Whether it was my mom or her boyfriends or whoever was around, I was in danger in that house.
After I ran away, even though Jason was a cheating asshole, it was the safest I’d ever felt. Then I met you.”
He gazes down at me with a blank expression, and I know he’s trying to follow what I’m saying, but I’m struggling to get it out. Because once I say it out loud, I can’t take it back.
“As much as I want you—and I do really want you—I can’t have a future with someone who abuses substances.
I can’t live like that again. Maybe it’s a me thing.
I want a family one day, and I don’t want my kids to have to grow up with a parent who uses alcohol or drugs to mask their pain.
I don’t want to have to worry about what mood you might be in after you’ve been drinking.
Because I do see your moods shift, Xander. ”
I cover my face and cry harder, the pain of this moment so immense, I don’t think I can survive it.
His staying at my apartment has been one thing, but uprooting the one safe place I know to move in with him here. It’s too risky.
He reaches out and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest, but he’s silent the entire time while I’m wracked with sobs.
“Baby,” he finally says. “You don’t ever have to worry about me. I would never do anything to harm you. I’d put a bullet in my own fucking head if I ever hurt you.”
“Don’t talk like that, please,” I whisper, shaking my head while tears stream down my face.
“I think you have some unresolved issues that you keep at bay by using alcohol. And at times when you’re really struggling, you get drunk.
I know you would never intentionally hurt me.
I know that. But you’re not yourself when you’re drunk. ”
His expression morphs, and his gaze goes distant while he stares down at me. “What are you saying, sunshine?”
My chest squeezes so tight, it physically pains me, and I can hardly breathe as I blink up at him through wet lashes. “I’m saying that I love you with my whole heart, but I think…”
Xander wraps his hands around my biceps. “You think what, Quinn? What?”
A sob breaks free, and I let my head drop forward to rest on his chest. “I need you to work on healing yourself before we can have any kind of future together. I want you, and I love you, but I love myself and my peace more.”
His breath comes out harshly, but he doesn’t say anything as he continues to hold me.
“I need to get to work,” I finally whisper sadly.
Anything to keep my mind busy right now, because what I really want to do is curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out for the next year or so.
Xander looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t.
He looks so lost, and it kills me. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. Because he’s really special and amazing, and he’s made me feel the most loved and cared for that I’ve ever felt before.
Finally, he takes my hand and leads me out to the courtyard, where he opens the passenger side door for me.
We don’t speak the entire time, and my chest still physically aches when he gets in on the driver’s side and starts the car.
Then, he pulls away from our future, which is over before it’s even begun.
I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
But in my heart, I know it was the right thing to do.
Even if it is killing me.
I’m exhausted, my feet hurt, and the only thing keeping me from dropping to the floor and bawling my eyes out is the fact that there is a UFC fight tonight at the casino, so I’ve been too busy to think since I walked in.
Thankfully, once the fight started, it slowed down slightly, and I’ve been catching up behind the bar ever since.
“Hey, girl!”
I glance up from the limes I’m cutting and force a smile as Jordyn approaches.
She’s in a hot-pink pant suit that is stunning on her, with a corset-type tank under the blazer that makes her cleavage look amazing.
I don’t miss the way several men stop and stare as she passes them.
Cash would be growling at all of them if he were here.
“What’s wrong?” she immediately asks, her happy expression falling.
I blink and close my eyes, trying to keep my tears at bay. I’m surprised my lash glue is still holding on after all the crying I’ve done today.
“Quinn, go ahead and take your break,” Josh calls from his side of the bar. “I can handle it.”
He knows something’s wrong, but he hasn’t pressed me on it. Mostly because we’ve been too damn busy, but I also think he isn’t sure if he should.
“We can go find a quiet spot,” Jordyn offers when I nod at Josh and stop cutting the limes I’ve been working on.
She takes my hand, and we walk aimlessly through the hotel until we get to the conference center, which happens to be empty tonight, so we’re able to sit on a bench and have some privacy.
Then she curses out both Caleb and Roman until they relent and give us a little more space.
Hm, maybe I need to be a little more assertive like Jordyn.
“What happened? Is it you and Xander?”
As soon as she says his name, I burst into tears and start telling her everything. I’m not sure if I should be talking to her about this, but I’ve got to confide in someone.
By the time I’ve finished, though I’m not sure how much of it she caught through my sobs, Jordyn hugs me tightly, and I didn’t realize how much I needed it.
“You did the right thing, babe. And he will, too. Just give him time. He loves you.”
I hope so.
Because I don’t think I want to live without him.