Chapter 43
Xander
MY LIFE IS ENDING
Earlier in the evening…
I don’t know what to say.
My first fucking thought right now is that I want a drink.
An entire bottle.
Three bottles.
The road is a blur before me as I drive through the streets of Las Vegas, the wind making it too loud to hear anything else.
Quinn fixes her hair and makeup, but I don’t miss how she has to keep wiping tears in between.
It kills me. I want to reach over and touch her thigh, but I don’t, and it feels wrong.
She doesn’t want me. Because I drink. Which confuses me because I haven’t hidden it from her.
When I pull into the VIP valet line at The Obsidian, Trey jogs over and opens Quinn’s door as soon as he sees someone in the passenger seat.
“Quinn.” He’s clearly surprised to find her there.
I let out a growl as she climbs out. I push open my own door and round the front of the car, scowling at Trey.
“Mr. Savage,” Trey greets, looking between me and Quinn while holding out his hand for the key. He keeps glancing at her, then narrowing his eyes at me. “Good to see you, sir.”
“Why do you keep looking at her?” I snap, glaring at him.
Quinn reaches out and tugs on the arm of my shirt. “Xander, stop,” she murmurs softly. “Trey is my friend.”
Fucking, Christ. Everyone is her friend. Because she’s Quinn, and it’s impossible not to love her.
I look down at her, then at Trey, an employee I’ve known for years and always liked.
He holds up his left hand and points to a wedding band on his third finger. “No offense, Mr. Savage, but if I weren’t married, I’d be more interested in you than I would be Quinn.” Then he smirks before he waves at Quinn. “Call me and we’ll have dinner.”
Ignoring me, he rounds my car and climbs in the driver’s side to move it. Quinn looks up at me, and the piece of my heart that she’s mended over these past few weeks breaks.
She doesn’t want me.
“I need to go,” she says quietly, her eyes watering and nose red from crying. “I love you, Xander. I love you so much.” Her voice cracks, and another piece of me breaks. “I hope you can find peace in your life again. But I think until then, we shouldn’t see each other.”
I try to process what she’s saying. The reality of her words. This is her walking away to protect herself.
From me.
She shouldn’t ever have to protect herself from me.
I’m supposed to be her safe place.
Tears cascade down her cheeks again as she steps toward me and rises on her tiptoes to press a gentle kiss to my lips. The entire time, I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I can’t fucking do anything.
This is it.
My life is ending.
The reason for my existence is walking away.
“I love you. You’re my person. My Daddy.” Her voice breaks and it physically hurts me. “But you need help, and I can’t give you that. Only you can fix yourself.”
Then she turns around and walks through the gold-accented casino doors, and as I watch her leave, the rest of my heart shatters into a million pieces.
I stand there for a long time, staring at the entrance, unable to move. She loves me, but she doesn’t want me.
When I finally look around, I lock eyes with Trey, and even though he doesn’t look pleased, he jogs over.
“What did you do to her?” he asks.
He has some fucking nerve. Who does he think he’s talking to like that?
Trey is my friend.
He cares about her. As a friend. He’s being protective. I should be thanking him for caring about her.
“I need my car,” is the only answer I give.
Trey glares at me, and I almost think he’s going to tell me to fuck off, but then he leaves. A few minutes later, he pulls up in the same car he just parked for me.
“If you wish to fire me, please feel free because I don’t want to work for anyone who could hurt Quinn Summers.” He flips me off and walks to the next customer.
As I close the door, my eye catches on the driver’s side mirror.
It’s broken.
Totally shattered.
Like someone smashed something into it.
I scan the valet area for Trey, and when I spot him, he’s looking right at me. Smiling.
And I don’t do anything because I fucking deserve it.
The sun set hours ago, but I’m not ready to leave.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for here.
Answers, maybe? Hope? Death to pull me under? I don’t fucking know.
My skin has been crawling ever since Quinn left me, and all I can think about right now is how badly I need a bottle of whiskey in my hands.
After I left The Obsidian, I didn’t know where I was going, and I ended up at a liquor store off The Strip. All I needed was a drink or two. Just something. Because this pain in my chest right now is a million times worse than anything I’ve ever experienced before.
Losing Nicola hurt, but what had been worse was the betrayal.
The deceit. She knew I wanted a family one day and used it against me.
That destroyed me. I’m thankful I had my dad during that time.
If I hadn’t, I don’t know if I’d still be here.
I wouldn’t have met Quinn. I wouldn’t have known what it was like to kiss her.
Or what her laugh sounds like. Or how she makes everyone feel like a friend unless they give her a real reason not to.
A life without knowing Quinn would have been the biggest tragedy out of the whole Nicola situation.
Somehow, I talked myself out of going into that liquor store, but I’ve been regretting it ever since I got to the cemetery.
A car door and then a second one closing pulls my attention toward the newly parked SUV behind my Porsche. I sit straight and reach for the gun I have tucked in the back of my pants. Then I pause when I notice Jordyn heading my direction, while Caleb keeps his distance, still watching her intently.
She studies me with an unreadable expression as she follows the walkway lights toward my parents’ graves. We had just enough lighting put out here so we could come out day or night to visit them.
“Can I sit?” she asks.
I give a slight nod, keeping my attention on the concrete stones ahead of me.
After a long moment of silence, I tilt my head and glance at her as she crosses one leg over the other.
My brothers and I have run into each other out here, but I’ve never seen Jordyn here.
Not that I would expect her to be. “What are you doing here?”
She stares at my parents’ graves and swallows.
“Even though your father and my father had their problems, Jack was always kind to me the few times we met. Sometimes, I come out here to talk to him. I like to brag about something Cash did because I know he won’t.
Sometimes, I come to tell on Cash when he’s being an ass. And sometimes, I talk about you guys.”
I stare at her, trying to decide whether she’s being serious or not, but she seems completely sincere. “What did you come to tell them tonight?”
Jordyn meets my gaze and holds it. “I came to tell them that their second-oldest son is about to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him because he’s an idiot.”
I wince.
My stomach burns like it’s filled with acid. “Did you see her?”
I’ve wanted to check the cameras at Onyx to make sure she’s okay, but I’ve resisted. Barely.
She nods. “Yes. I stopped by to drop off a gift for her. A lipstick of mine that she really likes. To thank her for helping with dinner the other night.”
Shaking my head, I close my eyes and will myself to stay patient with my sister-in-law while she gets to the point.
“I knew something was wrong. She was busy, so we only got to talk briefly during her break. She started crying so hard she struggled to speak, so I took her into the bathroom to calm down while she freshened up. I could hardly look at her without tearing up myself. She’s heartbroken, Xander.”
Closing my eyes, I try to swallow past the tightness in my throat.
Her tears are because of me.
I caused them.
I’m supposed to be her man, her protector. Her Daddy. I’m the last reason she should ever have to cry, unless I’m spanking her ass for misbehaving, but I’d always make her feel better after.
Jordyn sighs. “I wondered if she had noticed your drinking habits. If she had concerns. I didn’t know about what she went through growing up. She told me a little about it tonight.”
Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees and stare at the ground before me. “She deserves better.”
Jordyn nods. “She still does. She deserves everything. Women like her don’t come along every day.”
I half scoff and half laugh. “You think I don’t fucking know that?
Quinn is… she’s everything. Real. I don’t know anyone who could go through the shit she went through and still be as warm and kind and loving as she is.
I just, I’ll never fucking understand how her mom could possibly choose anything over Quinn. ”
It’s silent between us for a long time. Then, finally, Jordyn rises and turns to face me.
“I don’t think you need to understand why her mom did what she did.
I think you need to decide whether you’re going to choose her first. I don’t blame you for using alcohol to get through all the bullshit that cunt Nicola did to you.
But Quinn isn’t Nicola. Quinn is a once-in-a-lifetime woman, and she’s in love with you. ”
I stand and hold my hands up. “So what? Just quit drinking, and that’s all she wants?
I can quit. For her, I won’t drink another fucking drop of alcohol in my life.
There isn’t a question in my mind of what I would choose first. It’s Quinn.
It will always be Quinn. She’s it, Jordyn. She’s… she’s my girl.”
Jordyn comes over to me and cups my face. “Your brothers and I will support you with that, however we can. But, Xander, I think you need to deal with the deeper issues that caused the drinking in the first place.”
Then she smiles sadly and touches my chest before she walks over to my parents’ headstone.
She puts her hand on it, whispering something into the wind before she heads back to the SUV, where Caleb has been standing guard the entire time.
He dips his chin at me before he climbs into the driver’s side and pulls away.
I stay for a long time after they leave, Jordyn’s words replaying in my mind.
How did I get so lost?
Before I met Nicola, I was unstoppable. Alcohol was something casual that I drank, usually with my brothers while we played poker.
When things started going south with her, and she started disappearing and doing who-knows-what, I found myself in our hideous apartment, drowning myself in whiskey. And I let her take advantage of me.
Deep down, I knew she was using me. But I didn’t catch it quickly enough.
My dad’s last words to me float through my mind, clear as day, as if he’s right in front of me saying them to my face.
You’re a good man, Xander. You’re just a little lost right now.
In time, you’ll figure out how to heal, and someone will love you as deeply as your mom loved me.
I can hardly wait to meet her; I already know she’s going to be the sunshine of this family.
Don’t let her slip through your fingers because I can tell you from experience, my life wouldn’t have meant anything if I hadn’t met your mom.
My eyes burn, and I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to control my emotions. Our parents’ marriage was the kind that people dream about having. It was what I strived for once I became an adult.
It’s the kind of marriage I want to have with Quinn.
As a tear rolls down my cheek, I scrub a hand down my face and find Cash’s name in my phone.
“Hey, bro. You okay?” He sounds concerned, which means Jordyn has already filled him in on what’s going on. I’m guessing our other brothers know, too.
“Hey,” I say roughly, pressing my fingertips to my eyes. “I need to take some time off for a while. There’s something I need to do, but I need your help.”
Cash is quiet for a moment before he speaks again. “Xander, whatever you need, we have your back. You’re family, and so is Quinn. Do you want to come over and talk?”